Thursday, 31 May 2012

Day 28. Reality check

There remains, still, an almost glamourized myth surrounding eating disorders. Write a bracing reality check based on your experiences of eating disorders. Consider how it felt to suffer and the things your eating disorder cost you, as well as the damage it left you with, how hard recovery was etc.
I wasn't too sure how to start this challenge as I will no doubt repeat things I have said before. But with repetition comes learning. I thought about making it a little humorous but then an eating disorder is no joke.        I could beef it up with big words or fluff it up around the edges to make my words a little more readable....    but in the end I decided to give it to you straight, warts and all.
Eating disorders are not glamorous, they do not make you beautiful, they do not make people like you or you like yourself.  You will not be happier, richer, more confident, sexier or  more successful.
They will suck you in and drag you down into a pit of despair, your days will be dark and your nights will be darker.You will be drained of every bit of energy you have and what life you have left will be used to burn off calories or throw up your dinner.    They will make you lie, cheat, and deceive people. Your family and friends wont be your priority, your eating disorder will be.  Your first thought at night wont be seeing your Husband or child, it will be how can you avoid eating. You wont get asked out to dinner anymore, whats the point? You either wont eat or will throw it up!! You will spend all day relying on numbers.  Numbers on scales, numbers on packets, adding, subtracting, can I cant I, will I wont I?
Your skin will be blotchy, your face puffy, your eyes blood shot, your fingers red, your knuckles grazed, your teeth will rot.Your hair on your head will become thin and weak and fall out, but don't worry that will be compensated by growing hair on your body to keep you warm!
You will become weak and dizzy, not be able to think straight, forget things, become depressed, anxious, insular and suicidal. 
While your waist disappears so will your social life, your love life, your work life and if you don't stop YOUR LIFE. I thought I was in control, but I was being controlled.  In all my periods of disordered eating the last had to be the worst.  I think I needed to hit rock bottom in order to get back up and start fighting again and that was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I would constantly question my reasons for recovery and find excuses why I couldn't or shouldn't.It was a constant battle in my head along with dealing with the physical changes to my body. It was a slow process, a journey which I hope I have finished.
I was in a bathroom in a bar one evening and another woman commented on my size. 'I wish I was as skinny as you, how do you do it?' Well that's how I did it, not at all glamorous and sexy now is it?

1 comment:

  1. This is incredibly strong and powerful,honest and moving and true! You should be proud of yourself for this writing xxx


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