Should they stay or should they go?

I was prompted to write this after reading a friends blog on weighing.

Since finishing my treatment at hospital my scales have disappeared and reappeared more times than I can remember .

After being discharged I agreed to not have scales in the house again.  As expected, I did not stick to this.

It generally started as me asking for them for one day, just so I knew in advance of any appointments.

Initially I would give then back to Kev to put back in their hidey place but eventually the pull to know what I weighed became too strong and the scales stayed put.

My therapist has now refused to weigh me at sessions whilst I continue to abuse the scales at home.

This sounds fair to me and saves me from the anxiety of weigh days.

He asked me if it was helpful to keep weighing myself and I disputed all his arguments.  I of course being in complete control....note the sarcasm.

So I am now sat here contemplating my need, my desire to constantly weigh myself.  What is the benefit?  Does it make me feel any better about myself?  What is the worst that can happen if I don't step on the scales?

I think it has now become a part of my day alongside adding up calories, making sure I've burned a certain amount walking and don't go over my intake or under my outgoing.

I have tried to manage without but I need to know what is happening to my body.

I can't cope with my clothes being tighter, I feel disgust at the changes in my body, the flab on my stomach, my thighs getting closer, It doesn't feel like me anymore.

The scales tell me what is OK and what isn't.  How much I can eat today or how much I need to walk.

I have a buffer zone.  A window of 7 pounds, a number I will not go over and a number  I know safely, I cannot go under.

I have kept my safety zone for around the past 8 months and feel safe and in control of this.

The thought of changing this alongside starting trauma therapy is just too much at the moment.

This might sound really negative or that I'm not trying but that's not the case.  Its a balancing act.

Maybe this is something I need to discuss with my therapist?

it is what it is.

You look well?
 What the fuck does that mean?  Can you see inside my head? 
Society today is so hung up on personal appearance.  Photos are filtered, we can choose what to show to the rest of the world.
Social media shows what we want people to see, our perfect worlds, perfect friends, perfect lives.
Nobody really knows what is going on in others lives, its all a big fantasy. 

I live in a bubble, a bubble that my nurse once said she would pop.  My bubble keeps me safe, protects me from others and my own thoughts.
My illness is not all about weight.  If I was to gain 3 stone tomorrow would I be cured. Probably not.

Its not about wanting to stay ill, it's about knowing my limitations and how hard to push myself.
Hospital was a safe environment, one where I could weight restore and not have to deal with the aftermath of feelings on my own.  In the community is not so easy.

My therapist is working on compassion. Supporting me through trauma and all the feelings that sit alongside it.  Its tough.  We don't talk about food, how I'm managing my meal plan or how to move forward with weight gain.  I struggle with this but I am keeping myself safe.  My blood work is on the normal scale, I know what foods to eat to make sure I am getting the right nutrients.  My dietitian is happy.

Food restriction keeps me in control of my emotions, eating sends me into turmoil.
I often overeat and seek permission from my Husband that its OK to do so and I'm not greedy.  He tells me if I'm hungry to eat, this is normal behaviour and I need it. Rice Krispies are currently my go to food.
I have been open about my urges to purge or exercise and have admitted to times when the urges have been so strong I have lost control.
I am pulled in all directions and the slightest thing can send me into over thinking and fight or flight mode.
I need to talk about this as soon as it happens but does that make me needy?  Do I need to validate every single thought.
I hate my brain at the moment but this is all part of my recovery.  I hate how I'm feeling, that I'm not in control of my emotions, that I can break down at the slightest thing and want to run away from it all.
I have the crisis team number and I have come close at times to calling them.....I haven't needed to as I have managed to ride it through.  Not easy in a public place.
Thank you to those who told me last night that they liked my top.

My illness is not all about weight.....It is what it is.

xx

I have Fat

Yes, you heard me correctly, 'I have fat.'  Its started creeping up slowly, coating the tops of my thighs, cushioning my bottom and giving me a tummy which represents more of a cottage loaf than a muffin top!

I've noticed my chin is starting to get a little comfy and is inviting its friend to join it. My back appears to be growing boobs of its own and all in time for wearing a slinky little number at Christmas.

Am I OK with this? Yes and no.....

I'm not going to start getting depressed, living on lettuce and power walking to work. I will rationalise my thoughts and put this into perspective.  

We all have fat, some more than others.  We need a certain amount of fat to keep us warm, protect our internal organs and store energy.  Unfortunately my fat appears to have settled rather unevenly, so what can I do about it?

I will certainly not diet, I like cake and cider too much :)

Exercise is difficult at the moment due to hip pain.

The only way forward is acceptance, this is part of me and will stay here until it is ready to shift sensibly.

My belly does not make me have a bad day at work, it doesn't stop my family and friends from loving me, it doesn't affect my ability to enjoy myself on an evening out.

I have fat, I am not fat.

More on 'Fat.' http://bubbleicious-thediaryofacupcakequeen.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/hungry-for-change-day-16.html

The Weight of Your Words

Picture- 'The weight Of Your Words,' Julie De Waroquier
"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." 
~ Rudyard Kipling

Ugly, Stupid, Freak, 
Wicked, Pathetic, Meek,
Bad, Unworthy, Fat,
Bad and smelly Brat.

Clever, kind, delightful,
Gorgeous, caring, not spiteful,
Confident, Smart, Pretty,
Beautiful, Talented and Witty.

Which words do you remember and carry with you each day?
Which words affect your judgements and what you do and say?

Day 16 fat is NOT a feeling

Eating disorders are not about weight. But so often people express that they feel ‘fat’. What feelings have you really been experiencing when you have said you feel fat? Or what do you think lie beneath the surface of others who express this. You can write directly in response to this blog prompt or why not alter it and look at your emotional experience of eating disorders – what did you feel? How did you know which emotion you felt? Why is it important to be aware of your emotions?

I have never been fat, in fact I have never been overweight.  When all others around me at school and college were obsessing over their stomachs, hips and thighs I was the one trying to gain weight.

My nick name at school was either 'cambodian,' or 'Bobby Sands( a prisoner who was on a hunger strike.)

I have though felt fat :(

I can remember standing in front of my full length mirror doing the pokey proddy stuff, puffing out my cheeks and basically criticising my 'fat' body.  Standing on my scales numerous times a day for in a way confirmation that I was this incredibly fat, disgusting and horrible person.

But fat is not a feeling. What I was feeling was something so much stronger and so damaging until I learnt to recognise it.

Last march my Mum died quite suddenly and unexpected.  I was going through recovery from Anorexia and was coping incredibly well.  Straight away I switched to the eating disorder, I once again felt fat.  

Realistically I didn't, I felt pain, sadness, guilt but the eating disorder was blocking out all the real feelings and masking them with something else.

Whilst I had something else to focus on I didn't have to focus on the real issues in my life, the pain and bereavement.  I did recognise what I was doing but for a short while hung on to it.

So how do I get over this?

I still get the fat feelings not often but usually at times of crisis and I deal with them.

I listen to myself, I have learnt to question myself and recognise what the real feelings are and why I have them.  Has someone upset me, have I seen or heard something to trigger me, I write things down if need be.

I found writing a diary very helpful. Including foods, behaviours, thoughts and feelings, it helps to acknowledge the feelings as really what they are, emotions not fatness. 

Fat talk and foibles.

I think this post may be a bit of a scrambled rant, and those readers who know me personally will recognise the constant going off topic and the             pauses mid sentence when I have forgotten what I was saying!!!

Fat Talk...
This is something I had difficulties with during recovery and still do now.   Now I know some off us may need to lose a few pounds, may need to eat healthier and exercise more, but is it really necessary to have a daily berating session over the size of your stomach, hips and bum!!! It appears to be a socially accepted norm to have the 'Im fat, no your not,' conversations.  I try to steer clear, wanting to pull my hair out and scream at these beautiful not overweight women who at times make me feel huge!! 
I went out at the weekend to celebrate a friends Birthday.  A group of us decided to stay overnight in Bristol, so apartment sorted, posh frocks on we hit the city centre for dinner and a club.  Long story short one of the prettiest girls both inside and out was again slagging off her (very flat) stomach...aagghhhhhhh  Oh please girl, take a look in the mirror...
This set me on edge straight away, I was comparing her legs to mine, who's were thinner?  How much was she eating and to make matters worse some young lad asked me if I was my mates Mother!!! It was like being kicked in the teeth (actually I had rotten toothache after 4 fillings and an extraction.)
At that point I wanted to leave, I felt bloody old but that just made it worse. But I didn't leave, I did what any self respecting 44 year old would do...have a couple of shots of cherry sourz and get pole dancing :)
I do hope that my marks and Spencer magic knickers were not on display!!

So to round up, ladies stop damaging your self esteem and those around you, ditch the fat talk and love the skin your in...I try to. (or you could just mount a pole)

Going completely off topic..well just a bit, I came across an old diary which I had started (and finished!!) last August and September.  It was written whilst I was in the throes of my ED and I hardly recognised the content.  Not only can I not remember writing it but I could not recognise myself in it.  Who was this frail, scared person trying to find some light through the darkness?  It certainly didn't sound like me.  Although at times painful it still had a glint of humour, the real me trying to escape. The food diary was shockingly sparse, and If I'm truthful It was probably exaggerated to look better with the therapist!  Thank goodness I don't write one now as I would need a bigger book :)

Nite all. xxxx

"Feeling Fat"

The F Word!

The F word!!!  Not to be spoken about as will no doubt send alarms bells ringing, cause undue concern or have people telling me I'm being silly....I wont talk about it but I will write it down, no comments needed!
FAT!!!  Flabby, floppy,f*****g fat.
Why is it that when you gain weight it sits on one place? Does it settle on my boobies, plumping them up like downy pillows?  Does it rest on my bottom and turn it into delectable peach? NO, it hits me right where it hurts the most, slap bang in the middle on my belly.
I was forewarned about this and I do know it wont be forever but trying to adjust is hell.
I wiggle it, I poke it, look in the mirror, breathe in.....hold, and out again.
I was told that after periods of semi-starvation the weight will go onto the stomach first in order to protect the internal organs. Makes sense.
 I know that we need a certain amount of body fat and I do not need to lose this from my stomach I need to lose the bad self-image.
Easier said than done, but I will strive on, will continue with regular meals and try some exercises that will hopefully help with future redistribution!!!

PS. Second week back at work and all is well. :)