January 13th.

Sometimes,

Just sometimes,

When you're not expecting it,

It creeps up and smacks you in the face.

Picks at you bit by bit,

Shedding the confidence and leaving you open,

vulnerable,

Naked.

Ashamed of letting yourself down.

And others,

Those who need you,

Those who believe in you,

But you can believe in you.

Challenge,

Question,

Fight back.

Don't be a victim of yourself,

You're a survivor.

January 8th. An Essence Of Memories.

An Essence Of Memories.

Salt and Vinegar with Chips on a Saturday,

Stale smoke and beer,

A lingering of fear,

Dettol for the cuts,

Disinfectant for the vomit,

The stench of dread creeping from the closet.

January 3rd. Abstinence.

Abstinence 

Ignore the saboteurs,

The ones who try and make you stray,

Who help you lose your way.

'One won't hurt,' falls on deaf ears,

Avert your eyes from cider and beers.

No need to grieve for malt and hops,

Or smell the mead in the farmhouse shops.

Your liver has a new found zest,

The hangover will no longer molest

Your head in the morn and strangle your head,

And leaving you writhing in your bed.

Instead you rouse with open eyes,

Throw open the curtains look up to the sky's,

And think only 3 more weeks to lose,

'Til I can get back on the booze!!!

Not sure what I'm finding more difficult. Packing in smoking or not having a glass of wine at night!!  Probably a combination of both.  Have filled the fridge with some lovely fruit flavored mineral waters to give me a change from coffee on an evening.  The combination of coffee and fags just seem to fit together nicely.

The weather here is currently lousy otherwise I would be off out for a walk to give me something to do.  Lots of wind and rain and only going to get worse over the weekend!!  Suppose I could just hit the jelly babies again or blog rubbish for the next few months. 

See you tomorrow xx never give up, giving Up.

Adios

Goodbye to the thoughts that keep me from my sleep,

Au Revoir to the memories that make me weep,

Farewell to toxic friends who take more than they're giving,

Adios to pain and emptiness, Hello light and living.

Passion

Passion

A want,

A need,

A desire.

Bodies entwined,

Pulses racing higher.

Breathing as one,

Slowly,

Increasing,

Gently then racing,

The tension releasing,

Soft lips on rough,

Leather and lace,

Biting,

Caressing,

Finding 'that' place,

Back arching,

Blood rushing,

Cheek flushing,

Pleasure ascending,

and then......

The summit is reached,

Volcano erupting,

and someone gets to sleep in the wet patch. :)

Gremlins

They creep in at night,

Keep you from your slumber,

Make your chest feel all tight.

Pounding through your rib-cage,

Silently screaming into your sub conscious,

Questioning.

Climbing into your throat,

Constricting,

Tight,

Taking away your appetite.

Voice breaking as you speak,

Confidence melting,

Your strength into meek.

Damned if you do,

Damned if you don't,

Good intentions put out to rot,

That's how you make me feel...

Worry, Anxiety,

Stress,

F**k the lot...

Growing Old Disgracefully.

The wonderful Body Gossip today released their new film entitled 'Ageing Gracefully.' Once again the team have got it so right with their mixture of witty humour and stark reality whilst questioning,'whats so bad about looking our age?'  I have no idea If I look my age! I am well aware of the fact that most of the time I feel a lot older and act a lot younger. Getting older appearance wise has never really bothered me. I need to look after my bones due to early menopause after a hysterectomy and subsequently having osteoporosis. I have had my share of varicose veins stripping, constantly forget things and have recently had a major hip operation' all before the age of 45!!! I would love to think that when I'm in my 70's there will be nothing left to go wrong!! 

I can hope....

Growing Old Disgracefully

At the age of Ten,

I would stuff socks in a bra,

Wear lipstick like my Mum,

And dream of going far.

At the age of Fifteen,

I still stuffed my bra with socks!!

Tried to look nineteen,

Hid scars from chicken pox.

At eighteen the milestone age,

Starvation made me young again,

I shackled myself into a cage,

And tried to take away my pain.

At the age of twenty one,

My hair was pink, and red and blue

I was a different woman every week,

With a fetish for Doc Martin Shoes.

At the age of twenty four,

I gave birth to my Son,

I couldn't ask for any more,

I didn't, he was my only one!

At the age of twenty five,

I was looking knackered,

I had suitcases under my eyes,

And everything was sagging.

At the age of thirty one,

My body told a tale,

Of desperation, hurt despair,

Tied to a bathroom scale.

When I reached the big 4-0

My laughter lines had turned to trenches,

My boobies you could almost throw,

Or rest on park benches!!

The demon came back at forty three,

No way was this going to win,

I beat it back, I guarantee,

No longer will it get under my skin.

By the time I got to forty five,

Every thing's heading down south,

My hips hurt when I try to jive,

My teeth are evicting my mouth.

So now I'm nearly forty six,

I've lived and learned  the hard way,

I'm going to grow old disgraceful.

But I'm going to do it my way.

'Age is all in the mind,' they say,

So today I still feel twenty one,

So to keep the grim reaper at bay,

I'll stay healthy, be happy and have fun.

Jackie

A day In My Shoes........

 

Eating Disorders Awareness...

A Day In My Shoes

Don't judge me on what you see, 

A lost and broken soul,

Taunted night and day with numbers in my head,

That dinner you eat, it filled me with dread.

Why don't you eat? Its as easy as that.

I wish.....

Don't judge me for what I said,

It wasn't me,

It was the voices in my head,

Don't eat, you'll get fat, you're ugly, worthless,

A failure,

Rejected.

Don't judge me for how I made you feel,

I was keeping myself safe,

I was in control,

Keeping my emotions in check,

Numb, black, despairing of life and living.

A void....

Don't judge me for being, 

Give me a switch,

If I could I would have flicked it ten times over, I would.

And another thousand of times,

For all those still fighting,

And those who have lost......

If I could have told myself how bad it would get,

I would have told myself a millions time over.

I don't judge myself,

So don't you....

Jackie

Eating Disorders awareness Week, Everybody Knows Somebody. beat ed  Body Gossip

You can buy my book on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

all royalties go to sweda

Today I Am Proud.

Today I am proud.....

Proud that I have a voice,

Proud that I spoke up,

Proud that I didn't give in,

Didn't listen,

Stopped punishing.

Today I am proud.

Proud to have belief in myself,

And others,

Proud to be living,

Breathing,

And loving.

Today I am proud.

Proud to be able to forgive myself,

And others, for no-one is perfect,

Least of all me.....

Proud that I am enough,

And I can just be,

Me,

Proud.

The wonderful things about Bee.

The Wonderful Things About Bee

B is for beautiful, inside and out,

A cliche maybe, but its true without a doubt.
B is for blessed, how I feel to have her as a friend,
Her humour and wit I would highly recommend.
B is for beaming, her smile and her grin,
No wonder she takes her milk with gin!
B is for bouncy, bubbly and bright,
Brainy and brilliant in her own right.
B is for bodacious and worth admiration,
She's one of a kind, unique no imitation.

I love me......

I Love me........

Yep, you heard me right. 

I love me.........

Every spot, every lump,

Every wrinkle, every bump.

I love me.

I love my tummy that sticks out when I eat,

I love my orange peel thighs and my rather odd shaped feet!

I love that flicky bit of hair,

at the front that wont stay  right.

I love my lack of ear lobes 

And my teeth, not so pearly white.

I used to have a hate campaign,

Against this bod of mine,

I used to starve it, made it ill I thought I looked divine,

It took a lot of searching until I could escape hell,

Til I could learn to love myself and like myself as well.

Jackie

I Am Woman

I Am Woman.

I am.

A woman with a story,

Who breathes in life and exhales hope.

A Woman with a family

Who struggles sometimes to cope.

A Woman with a past,

That often darkens my dream,

A Woman with a future,

So bright you can see it gleam,

A Woman with a passion,

For belief in what is right,

A Woman who has won a battle

Who won't give up the fight.

I am Woman

Jackie 

Anyone For more?

Anyone For More?

More food is more calories,

More calories equals more fat,

More fat equates to more guilt,

More guilt brings on more harm,

More harm leaves more scars,

More scars trigger more memories,

More memories leave more shame,

More shame,

More blame,

No gain,

More anyone?

More Searching for more answers,

More answers give more questions,

More questions with more perspective,

More perspective brings more hope,

More hope shines more light,

More light prompts more strength,

More strength builds more courage,

More courage,

More fight,

No blame,

More anyone? 

Self Acceptance

I am unique

There is no one like me,

For I am unique,

One of a kind,

The one that broke the mould.

Some-days I may not seem like myself,

Or I may try to be like someone else.

But where it matters,

Inside my heart,

I am true to myself.

Parts of me I like,

Bits of me I love,

Things I'd like to change,

Like the way I talk,

Or the hobble when I walk.

But hey that's just me,

And that's what makes me different,

From you, and him and her...

For I am unique,

And I'm OK with that.

The Value Of Hurt

Hurt

I choose not to believe the words I was called,

Stupid, ugly, smelly, gay.

The hurt was not 'in love' or for 'my own good,'

I don't care if that's how it happened in your day.

You chipped away bit by bit at what little confidence I could muster,

I was hurt, lost,scared,

Alone and feeling bad.

Your tongue left scars deeper than a knuckle duster.

My scars were healed with love, acceptance and trust,

Forgiveness of those who 'knew no wrong'

 A belief in myself and where I belong.

I have a purpose, a meaning I am no longer 'Just.'

Jackie 2013

Advent Calendar. Day 21. Friendship.

"Friends are the family we choose for. ourselves."

~ Author Unknown ~

Friendship

Not having to say anything, they just 'know.'

Being able to call at whatever time  knowing someone will answer.

Laughing at your jokes, however unfunny they may be.

Not reminding you of your mistakes.

Never saying, 'I told you so.'

Believing in you when you don't believe in yourself.

Celebrating milestones.

Smiling, remembering and cringing when looking at old photos.

Listening and just being.

Advent Calendar. Day 13. Peace.

What does peace mean to you?

"Peace is not something you wish for;

It's something you make,

something you do,

something you are,

and something you give away."

~Robert Fulgham ~

It has been a difficult and conflicting journey in which to be at peace with myself.

For me peace has been the acceptance of myself both physically and mentally, the acceptance of situations past and present. There is no dark cloud or periods of depressions, there is no conflict with food or disordered eating. I am 'mostly' happy and plan to remain that way for a very long time. :)

Advent Calendar. Day 12. Look to your heart.

Today look inward

search out

recognise

and share

the light in your heart.

"Blessed is the match consumed in kindling flame

Blessed is the flame that burns in the secret fastness of the heart."

~ Hannah Senesh ~

If I look deep into my heart what will I find?

A passion for music and writing.

A commitment to others.

A willingness to learn.

Acceptance of my past, my mistakes and my imperfections.

Belief in recovery and a future.

Loyalty despite being hurt.

Forgiveness to those who hurt me.

Love, laughter and joy.

Advent Calendar. Day 9. I Believe.

"Just because something is unbelievable -

does not mean you shouldn't believe it.

Put another way, some things are worth believing in,

whether they're true or not."

~ Jeb Dickerson ~

I Believe...

One day I will meet those I have loved and lost,

I Believe

 you when you tell me you love me,

I Believe

 one day I will love myself as much,

I Believe

despite how nasty you can be there is some good in your heart,

I Believe

one day I will forgive you, 

I Believe

trying and failing is better than not trying at all.

I Believe

Recovery can happen if you really want it.

I Believe in Life,

I Believe in me,

Advent Calendar. Day 7. All wrapped up.

"I love the Christmas-tide and yet,

I notice this, each year I live;

I always like the gifts I get,

But how I love the gifts I give!"

~ Carolyn Wells ~

All Wrapped Up with ribbons and bows,

Whats inside nobody knows,

Beautiful symmetry, smooth and defined,

'Merry Christmas,' carefully signed.

Give it a shake, a rattle, a smell,

Looking for clues so you can tell,

What is inside this beautiful box,

Could it be perfume? Chocolate or socks!!

The heart of this gift will become clear,

Its given with love from those you hold dear,

The gift of friendship and a hand to guide,

Take off your wrapping and see whats inside.

Jackie