Dear Jackie

You may recall my 'Dear Body' post, if you haven't read it, you can find it here.
After writing to my Body I then had to respond as my body.  All seems a bit weird you may think, talking to myself, but the process was quite empowering.
Again I tried not to overthink what I was asked to do, but thought of it as me replying to a friend.

 Dear Jackie,

You were so small and vulnerable when you were born.  I wasn't sure you would survive but you battled on.  I wonder if sometimes you feel like that now?
I know you dislike me, you tell me often enough  You try to hurt me with your thoughts and actions but I'm still here for you and I won't let you down.  You are a fighter.
You tell me how much you hate your stomach.  You see fat and disgust.  I see a part of you which held your child close, a part of you which suffered physical pain for years and needed surgery to put right.
Don't be embarrassed or ashamed of your scars, they are part of your story.
You are so much more than what is looking back in the mirror.  Those scars on your hips show the pain you tolerated both physically and mentally.
You recovered from surgery and you pushed and pushed yourself until you passed that 26 mile mark.
I need to be cared for, loved, cherished and nourished. I know that one day you will feel this way towards me again.
Don't blame yourself for the things that have happened to me. Those things were out of your control, you didn't know any better.
Please, please try and treat me with the respect I deserve.  I hate to be in pain, especially in my head.
I would love to be friends with you again.

Your body xx

My dialogue with my body continues.  My next task is for my to again respond in a compassionate way.
Until next time.

reasons for recovery

After such a positive few days and the Christmas festivities to look forward to, I woke in a brilliant mood.  The snow is still on the floor although you are taking your life into your hands when venturing outside.
It was difficult to gather the motivation to eat today, primarily as I didn't feel hungry!  It is very difficult to make yourself eat when you are physically not hungry and not in the mindset for food...so I sat down and wrote a list, a list of reasons to eat, reasons for recovery and here it is..

1.  To live and not just exist.
2.  To be healthy.
3.  I want to enjoy social times with my family and friends.
4.  I do not want to be different or have a label.
5.  I want to get back at work and have a purpose.
6.  To be able to focus on daily things without thinking about food all of the time.
7.  To feel warm again.
8.  To be a positive role model to my son.

There will no doubt be more I can add as time goes on but i think these are my priority.  I deliberately did not put 'To look good' as I am trying to take the focus away from how I look on the outside and to put it onto my physical and emotional health and well being.  I hope that if anyone reading this is going through food and body image issues at the moment can maybe take something from this and focus on the positive sides of getting better.
When you write a list of pros and cons of having an eating disorder there are no real benefits!!

Take care and keep well. xx

What a wonderful day.

One week until Christmas and outside looks like a picture postcard. We now have the snow the met office promised and I love it.
There is something to be said for walking in crisp fresh snow, and on the sea front it nearly reached the tops of my wellies!  As I watched people going around their buisness, christmas shopping, children throwing snowballs, everything seemed so much brighter. Maybe it was the glow from the sun on the snow or maybe it was that I was feeling a little more ease with myself, more content and happier with who I was becoming.
On Friday I started the day with Breakfast, had lunch and something in the evening.  I had to make a conscious effort to eat and it is not coming naturally.  I hate to say it but my Nurse was actually right, eating regularly eased the feelings of wanting to binge and although It was a struggle I succeeded in one day of regular and normal eating.  
My initial thoughts are again to restrict the following day to compensate for the calories consumed, but I need to stay motivated, set my sights on my goal of returning to work in the new year and regaining my health and fitness.
Someone said to me today, at least when everyone is wanting to lose weight after Christmas I can start on the tins of chocolates...how I wish for that day, and I know it will come.  Just hope there will be some purple ones left!