it is what it is.

You look well?
 What the fuck does that mean?  Can you see inside my head? 
Society today is so hung up on personal appearance.  Photos are filtered, we can choose what to show to the rest of the world.
Social media shows what we want people to see, our perfect worlds, perfect friends, perfect lives.
Nobody really knows what is going on in others lives, its all a big fantasy. 

I live in a bubble, a bubble that my nurse once said she would pop.  My bubble keeps me safe, protects me from others and my own thoughts.
My illness is not all about weight.  If I was to gain 3 stone tomorrow would I be cured. Probably not.

Its not about wanting to stay ill, it's about knowing my limitations and how hard to push myself.
Hospital was a safe environment, one where I could weight restore and not have to deal with the aftermath of feelings on my own.  In the community is not so easy.

My therapist is working on compassion. Supporting me through trauma and all the feelings that sit alongside it.  Its tough.  We don't talk about food, how I'm managing my meal plan or how to move forward with weight gain.  I struggle with this but I am keeping myself safe.  My blood work is on the normal scale, I know what foods to eat to make sure I am getting the right nutrients.  My dietitian is happy.

Food restriction keeps me in control of my emotions, eating sends me into turmoil.
I often overeat and seek permission from my Husband that its OK to do so and I'm not greedy.  He tells me if I'm hungry to eat, this is normal behaviour and I need it. Rice Krispies are currently my go to food.
I have been open about my urges to purge or exercise and have admitted to times when the urges have been so strong I have lost control.
I am pulled in all directions and the slightest thing can send me into over thinking and fight or flight mode.
I need to talk about this as soon as it happens but does that make me needy?  Do I need to validate every single thought.
I hate my brain at the moment but this is all part of my recovery.  I hate how I'm feeling, that I'm not in control of my emotions, that I can break down at the slightest thing and want to run away from it all.
I have the crisis team number and I have come close at times to calling them.....I haven't needed to as I have managed to ride it through.  Not easy in a public place.
Thank you to those who told me last night that they liked my top.

My illness is not all about weight.....It is what it is.

xx

Must do better.

The past week has been exhausting. I tried to put the anger I felt after I was dismissed from my job into something positive.  I emailed the company suggesting they revised the way they support staff with a mental health problem, and received the bog standard ' we take all our employees health and well being seriously' email back.

I have been trying to focus on the positives after going through a week of emotions and separating them from the facts. Although I may not agree with their decision, I understand why they made it.

Today I received another blow. 

My care coordinator/eating disorder nurse who has been working with me since late 2016 has made the decision to transfer my care to Dom my therapist. This is not all bad as we have a good therapist/patient relationship but unfortunately the sessions are time limited.

My nurses reasoning for the change, is that I am not managing weight restoration and have only maintained for the past few weeks.

After my discharge from Hospital (that's for another blog post) I agreed to reach a certain BMI, this was unsuccessful so the goal was decreased and then we compromised on a  maintenance weight.

Although I am engaging in weekly therapy, I know if my weight drops, cognitively I will not be able engage properly as starvation has a detrimental effect on the brain and your way of thinking. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't know this was coming.

NHS waiting lists for eating disorder outpatient treatment are long and although the ed team in Somerset has increased over the past 8 years they still struggle.

So where does that leave me now?  

I feel sadness at the loss of my support; failure that I was unable to stick to my meal plan; guilt that I have let my friends and family down; not good enough, rejected and alone.

Above all I feel scared. Very scared. 

I understand the reasoning behind the decision, (must try harder) and am trying to use wise mind as opposed to emotional mind.

Someone on a facebook group said to me, 'Please don't take it personally or use it as a reason to mistreat yourself.'  She is very right. I did not use my 'go to' behaviours instead I used compassion and kindness towards myself, something I struggle with daily.

Tomorrow is another day, another small step, another learning curve.

If all I can do at the moment is keep myself safe then that is enough. 

Must do better.

Anyone For more?

Anyone For More?

More food is more calories,

More calories equals more fat,

More fat equates to more guilt,

More guilt brings on more harm,

More harm leaves more scars,

More scars trigger more memories,

More memories leave more shame,

More shame,

More blame,

No gain,

More anyone?

More Searching for more answers,

More answers give more questions,

More questions with more perspective,

More perspective brings more hope,

More hope shines more light,

More light prompts more strength,

More strength builds more courage,

More courage,

More fight,

No blame,

More anyone? 

The Value Of Hurt

Hurt

I choose not to believe the words I was called,

Stupid, ugly, smelly, gay.

The hurt was not 'in love' or for 'my own good,'

I don't care if that's how it happened in your day.

You chipped away bit by bit at what little confidence I could muster,

I was hurt, lost,scared,

Alone and feeling bad.

Your tongue left scars deeper than a knuckle duster.

My scars were healed with love, acceptance and trust,

Forgiveness of those who 'knew no wrong'

 A belief in myself and where I belong.

I have a purpose, a meaning I am no longer 'Just.'

Jackie 2013

Advent Calendar. Day 8.

Candles are lit as darkness falls - what light shines in your darkest times?

On the first night of Hanukkah thanks is given for miracles, strength and sustenance -

what in your life is miraculous?

What are you thankful for?

What brings light to your world?

"May the lights of Hanukkah usher in a better world for all humankind."

~ Unknown ~

To live in the dark, to see no light at the end of the tunnel, to see no hope, no future is one of the saddest places to be.

The transition from darkness to light is hard, painful but joyous.

The freedom from depression, from pain, guilt and self-hatred is worth celebrating.

So when I think of light I think of my life, my family and my friends. 

I am thankful for my support network and my strength and resilience.

 I am thankful for my opportunities, my experiences. 

Above all,I am thankful for my life.