2013..... My Best Bits

It's that time of year again when I trawl through the years photos, put them all together, find a suitable soundtrack and tag you all. Due to my lack of techie knowledge and severe dislike of Movie maker on windows 8 I shall be doing this year a little differently.

 When I look back on the past year I think it has been one of the better, well in the past 5 years anyway!!

I feel I have achieved so much on a personal level as well as physically.

I have made some good friends online, one I managed to meet up with in my hometown in the Summer, and have never felt closer to my Sisters and their Children.

The New Year began with the removal of the screws in my hip, something I was going into with slight trepidation and a bit of a 'what If it hasn't worked' mindset!! Well I had nothing to worry about as by March I had set myself up with a personal trainer and signed up for a walking marathon later in the year.

The training for the Marathon I originally dreaded, but as the weeks went on I looked forward to an evening of power-walking, especially combined with the beautiful Somerset sunsets.  I am blessed to live in such a picturesque part of the country, something which I probably took for granted in my younger years. 

February was a very special and emotional time for me.  Coinciding with Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I decided to publish a collection of blog pieces and poetry and donate the royalties to Somerset & Wessex Eating Disorders Association.  I am so grateful for all the support shown throughout this process, to Bee for doing endless hours of edited and to my friends for putting up with my constant 'going on' about it. 

So far the books has made over £100 for sweda. Not a huge amount I know (royalties are rubbish!!) but more importantly was the message being spread to others abut Eating Disorders.  I even managed a radio interview!!! 

A huge highlight of 2013 was being asked to be an Ambassador for Body Gossip.  This involves promoting the message of positive body image for everyone and has included being involved in their Flash-mob in London and also interviewing people for their body stories to be told in a stage-show at the South-bank.

Two people I interviewed were chosen for their stories to be told. I was gutted to not be able to see the show as was working, hopefully the show will get enough backing to promote it in 2014.  Throughout the interview weeks I heard so many unique, funny, sad and empowering stories, It was an unforgettable experience.

 My elder Sisters diagnosis and subsequent treatment for Cancer saw me travelling back and forth between Somerset and London most weekends during the Summer Months. I spent sunny days picnicking in the park, in the kitchen  making cake pops and evenings chatting, drinking wine and watching horror movies.

Thankfully after surgery and treatment my Sis is well again. It really shouldn't have taken something like that to contact each other!!

So a quick run down of my best bits of 2013, in no particular order.

• Publishing My Book.
• A radio interview on BBC radio Somerset.
• Meeting my friend Heather from America after 31 years.
• Body Gossip Flashmob.
• Meeting the Shoreditch Sisters W.I and interviewing them.
• Walking 26.2 miles for Cancer Research at night and meeting some wonderful and inspirational people.
• Doing a 5k run in Bristol and being showered in powered paints.
• Going to a cupcake decorating workshop ( sad I know)

Photos Of The Best Bits

So what does 2014 hold for me? No idea, but what I do know is there will be NO New Year new Me.  I will be the same person but taking on different challenges.  Starting January 1st I have set myself a blog post a day challenge.....  think I can manage it?  I hope so. 

See you on the other side.   Happy new Year xxxx

I wonder.......

I wonder...

What would you make of all this?  Would you think my writing too personal or have I said things you wouldn't approve of? Would you have been the first person to buy my book then rush to the neighbours to show off about it?  I wonder....

Would you have listened to my interview with a proud smile on your face whilst thinking,'That's my girl.'

Would you have recorded it then played it to any poor person who entered the house like you did with my CD?  I wonder....

Would you be proud of what I have achieved, my recovery, my positivity and my future. 

I think you would.....

This time 2 years ago I had the news that my Mum was seriously ill, she passed in the early hours of the morning and I was unable to travel in time to see her.

The first anniversary of her death passed me by as I was in a haze of morphine after an operation, and In a way I was grateful for that distraction. This year I have no distraction and the feelings are something I will need to deal with.  I wish My Mum could have seen me as I am now. I hate the fact she didn't know that I had recovered. Eating disorders show little regard for the feelings of others!!  With Dad gone too I am grateful for what family I have left and the closeness of my friends. 

A face For Radio

Today was my radio interview to promote my book, and I made a joke of 'having the face for radio' before I went in. Many years ago I would have believed this. As a little girl I dreamed of the knight in shining armour, being a beautiful princess and living happily ever after.

In reality I was not pleasing to the eye, was rather skinny, lanky, geeky, wore glasses and un-fashionable clothing. I was a magnet for the name callers, those who possibly had as low self-esteem as myself and those who just liked to abuse others for fun!!

Quite ironically, Emma the presenter picked out the poem The Weight Of Your Words to read. The ending being, 'which words do you carry with you each day?'  I spent years carrying the negativity, the words which battered me black and blue, made me cower in corners and fearful of those I trusted...... but not any more.

Now my beauty is more than the way I wear my hair, the make-up I apply or the clothes I use to frame my body. My beauty is in the compassion I feel for others, my confidence In who I am, my zest for life and what it throws at me.  Maybe its time others took a look at their perception of beauty.

Before & After

My Sister And I

Whilst trying to promote my book I was approached by a company who research and sell 'human interest,' stories to Womens magazines in the UK. Most of my UK readers may recognise the likes of 'Take a break,' 'Chat,' 'Bella' and 'Womens Own.' Now these are magazines that in the past I have bought and at times poured through every article looking for diets and advice on how to be a better woman on the outside!!  They are filled with pieces on lifestyle choices, cosmetic surgery gone wrong, how to drop a dress size, have a better sex life, find a man,woman or dog. They tell us who is in or out in the celeb world, whilst pointing out all their wrinkles, muffin tops and bad hair days. Shock horror probe, skinny celeb papped eating doughnut!!  Is this really news? Is this really what we are about?

Forgive my rambles, the point being whilst the researcher was in fact interested in my book and story, the sad thing was that the Magazines would want photographs of when I was ill!  Why?  What purpose was this for other than to sensationalise the story of a woman who had an eating disorder. We all know what someone looks like emaciated for goodness sake, what people are not aware of is that not all sufferers of an eating disorder are underweight.  And just because someone was thin and is now looking a little more healthy does not mean they are recovered!

The whole point of my book was to raise awareness as well as money for an eating disorders charity, not to plaster photos that could trigger others who were vulnerable.

I spoke to my Sister about the photos this evening and she was correct in pointing out that I do have photos on my face book account. Yes I do, but they are there alongside my friends and family making good memories, and there they shall stay.  Within my control.

The Cupcake Queen Bites Back is available on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Tell it from the heart

This week has been a mix of emotions. My book was self published last week after what seemed like forever sending back copies between myself and a friend, changing things, altering layouts.....adding, taking way. Eventually we had the finished result.

Making the front cover was fun!  I spent hours decorating cakes then laying them on my kitchen floor, standing on a chair attempting to take a photo ariel view. It was then pointed out that I hadn't taken the date setting off my camera..Doh!!!!    

The day I uploaded it was pretty scary. Bearing your soul to whoever pays to read it is at the touch of a button....and there it is, my life, in poetry, on sale on Amazon at £4.96

I'm not scared, I'm not ashamed, I'm proud of who I am and what I have achieved and so I should be!

What scares me is my reaction to others who are suffering...I hurt so much.  I try and support others in forums etc but the pain at times can be so intense. I want to just hold their hand and take them to a safe place, but I know that's not possible. My husband has questioned the time I spend online and attending the support group but I feel I need to give something back to the people who helped me.  Why am I affected by people I don't know, people I have never met? I feel almost drawn, a compulsion to let them know things can be different, things can change, you can be free....

I could, If I wanted to, put this all behind me. Never mention my anorexia again, withdraw from support groups, detach myself from all I know who are connected to eating disorders...but I also know that a part of me holds a few special people close to my heart, if they weren't around I maybe wouldn't be here today.  To disconnect from this would be saying I don't care, and that's not me. I care greatly, and If that means feeling your pain and crying your tears to hep you on your way then that is what I shall do..... xxxxx

Somebody........

EDAW 2012

This video from beat says it all really. Everybody knows somebody, and you may not even realise.

Eating Disorders are not all about what is noticeable on the outside. It is a severe life threatening mental illness which needs support. Unfortunately the media can get on the Anorexia band wagon  and leave the lesser know ED behind. Sufferers with ednos, bulimia, binge eating disorder can feel unworthy of help as they don't look ill......  how tragic is that?  A friend of mine recently wrote about self harm and suicide on her blog as it is so closely linked with eating disorders. Her words I wish I had hear when I felt darkness and despair.  I was a lucky one, others have not been so lucky.

It astounds me that for such a widespread illness there is so much stigma and ignorance still!!

Over the years I have had many comments about my illness.  I was accused of taking up a worthwhile bed in a hospital, called a stupid little girl by a Nurse, asked if I died how would I pay my catalogue bill (from a friend!) told I look like a Cambodian and even my Dr called it my 'little problem.' When the hell will mental illness be given the same regard as a physical illness.

Know one can know how you are feeling, what you are thinking, what pain and desperation you feel on a daily basis or how dark your life is. 

So when you meet that 'somebody' please remember this. They are a person, a person with feelings, a person who needs love, support and compassion.  I was a 'Somebody'.......

My book 'The Cupcake Queen Bites back.' is available on amazon.com and amazon.co.uk
All proceeds go to a local ED charity. Thank you.

Freedom

The Cupcake Queen has reached a milestone.  A year ago today I was sat in the office of the eating disorders Nurse, anxious, nervous awaiting my last weigh in.  I was scared of going it alone, worried that I would fall at the first hurdle.  I had not been able to see my way out for a long time but that day was here.  I was 'officially' no longer anorexic and a normal weight.  I can say I have only been weighed in the past year at medical appointments where it has been necessary.  I have not been curious about how much I weigh, it has no impact on my life, my happiness or how attractive I may be.

I would love to say it has been an easy ride, but it hasn't.  It has been an emotional roller coaster, exhausting, and at times frightening and lonely but It is a journey that has given me my life back.

I have learnt things about myself I haven't liked and also things about myself i love.

I have met people who are inspirational and empowering, who fight for recovery and support each other.

I have probably been guilty of boring people but only because I am passionate about getting to a place where you can truly say you are recovered and am happy with yourself, inside and out.

So what does recovery mean for me.....

It means freedom from negative thoughts about food.

eating when I am hungry and recognising when to stop.

Being able to over eat and not needing to restrict the next day.

Not using food to cope with my feelings and emotions.

Eating dessert because I fancy it.

Eating salad because Its good for you and tastes good, not because of its lack of calories.

Taking a walk for pleasure and not to burn calories.

Making cupcakes because I like to and not because I obsess over them!!

Sharing meals with friends and family and having fun, not stressing over menus.

Recognising that my body will change shape over time.

Wearing clothes that flatter not trying to change my shape to fit my clothes.

Grabbing something off a supermarket shelf without checking the calories on the packet.

Spread your wings and fly,

Kiss the demons goodbye,

Love the child within,

No mourning what has been.

Permission to love,

Something to be proud of,

Freedom in living,

Compassion and forgiving

Jackie 

July 16th 2012

Happy, content and at peace :)