Friends with benefits.

I bet the title made you look.
Don't worry, I'm not talking about those sort of benefits.
Over the past 8 years I have friended or followed dozens of people within the eating disorders community.  The forums and groups were a safe place to go, not judging, always there and often gave helpful advice and reassurance. (Although I am writing this after being shot down for saying something on a group)

There was always a downside.  Depending on how entrenched I was in my eating disorder I would follow people for the wrong reasons.
I would look at photos of very thin girls, 'thinsperation' as it is known in the pro-Ana community.
I have never been pro-Ana but the pull towards those people was always strong.

Over the years I have learnt that these relationships are not always healthy.  I have always been open to others, made myself available online to those who need to talk but sometimes that needs to stop.
I often go through Facebook and have a friend cull. There's never any malice involved but If I find someones behaviours or attitude too triggering or negative I need to say goodbye.
If there is little benefit to the relationship then they need to go.  I'm sure at times people have done that to me and that's OK.  Its about what is right for you and what is beneficial.
I know I could just stop following but there is always the risk of taking a little peek. A risk I cannot take.

I now have a select number of friends from the ed community on social media, these are my friends with benefits.  Friends from all over the world, people I trust and many I am honoured to have met.
Let me tell you about a few of them...........

Jenn Friedman.
A lovely woman from Brooklyn, New York who I stumbled across in 2010 on an eating disorders recovery forum. She is an amazing writer, singer songwriter and pianist. 
Jenn was part of a blogging group which fuelled my passion for writing.  She and several others took part in a recovery blogging challenge where we were given daily prompts, and shared online.
It was amazing to hear others voices and totally changed my views on a possible recovery.
Her recent album and book she published are pride of place on my bookshelf.  She has the voice of an angel.
I was lucky to meet Jenn in 2016 on her first visit to the UK.  She was everything and more than I expected.  I took her to Glastonbury for the day and we laughed and laughed. I love her accent, the way she says bathroom, how she felt comfortable enough to rest her head on my shoulder on the long bus journey home.  I laughed at her misunderstanding when I said 'Mary Quant.' She is a joy to be around.  I'm sorry she left her cake in the shop but happy that I taught her how to swear in a northern accent.
Jen is now studying in London and we plan to meet next month in Bath.  I cant wait.

Kathryn

I have been chatting to Kathryn online since 2016.  We were both struggling with our eating disorder and at different stages of contemplation.  We were a good support for each other.

I smile when I think of the late night chats, the drunken facetimes and the deep conversations one Christmas day. I was honest with Kathryn and I think she respected that.  I even got away with calling her a knob.

I love the fact that Kathryn savours ever moment with her family, school holidays are full of good memories, she is a strong passionate woman who would do anything for her family.  I value Kathryn's input but she has yet to tell me why shes goes with the nickname of Bruce!

A few weeks ago I took the plunge and travelled to Liverpool to meet her.  A bit strange you may think. Meet a random person and stay at her house.  Isn't that something that my Mother warned me about?

Thankfully she wasn't an axe wielding murderer, just a very friendly, cocktail loving Scouser with a lovely family.

She was an amazing host and I was made to feel at ease as soon as I got to Liverpool.

We had so much in common, even down to her getting ready to go out playlist. I spent a great day with the children and an even better night out hitting the bright lights of Liverpool with K and her Hubby.

We laughed about the 'urban legend' who was a real person, Purple Ackey the bogeyman of Merseyside.  We sang along to the Greatest Showman and I was in awe of her banter with the taxi driver.............

Entertainment and alcohol aside, we clicked.  We had experienced similar things growing up and dealt with it in not so positive ways.  I was amazed at how relaxed I felt especially around food.  They were very accommodating and thoughtful. Her daughter even gave up her room for me, although I did end up with several soft toys and a little girl on the bed in the morning.

Thank you Kathryn and Dave for accepting me into your home.  You are a diamond.

Online friends can be beneficial.... but choose your friends wisely.  

Domestic Bliss

Image-Lauren Lemon

Today I feel like this,

Drowning in domestic bliss,

Strangled by the steam iron cord,

Weighed down and feel ignored.

Today I feel like this,

Laundry overflowing, socks gone amiss,

Dinners burnt and coffee is cold,

Condensation turning into mould.

Today I feel like this,

I remember our first tender  kiss,

The touch of your hand on mine,

And remember, take stock and shine.

Living

Living

From darkness comes light,

The truth will shine through,

Believe you have the strength to fight,

The strength to find the real you.

Grasp tightly the power,

Hold on to what you believe,

Let your hair down from the tower,

No long trapped you can achieve.

Feel the breeze through your hair,

Your heart beating at your breast,

Your lungs taking in air,

Your body no longer oppressed.

Jackie 2012

One step at a time

Picture-Andre Armant 

Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Growth is an erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself.
Julia Cameron 

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
Lao Tzu 

Foe me the picture by Andre Armant says it all. Staring down the staircase into the hollow at the bottom, being cautious, trying not to fall.  Trying to take that first small step into recovery or into any difficult situation is scary.

Sometimes with one step we falter, we trip up and end up back where we started, but making that first small step is enough to just get a taste. A taste of the freedom, the release, the excitement of what life can be like without an eating disorder. Looking down the staircase you cant quite see what is at the bottom, it may look dark at times, you may feel alone in fear of falling but hold out your hand for support, take hold of that bannister, that railing on the stairs and let it help you down steadily and safely.

Baby steps, little steps, one at a time.....you can do this, you can reach your goal. 

Holding On

Holding on

Sinking deeper, losing air, dragged down.

Pressure, tight against my chest,

Trapped, enclosed, no way of escaping.

You are there,

When I reach the pit, the depth of despair,

You are there,

When I achieve my goal,

You are there when I feel small,

Waiting for the fall, the trip up, the relapse.

You lift me up with your actions,

you inspire me with your words,

You believe,

You trust,

You love.....

In me,

For me,

With me,

Holding on to your words,

Your actions,

Your faith in me.....

Thank you.

The Weight of Your Words

Picture- 'The weight Of Your Words,' Julie De Waroquier
"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." 
~ Rudyard Kipling

Ugly, Stupid, Freak, 
Wicked, Pathetic, Meek,
Bad, Unworthy, Fat,
Bad and smelly Brat.

Clever, kind, delightful,
Gorgeous, caring, not spiteful,
Confident, Smart, Pretty,
Beautiful, Talented and Witty.

Which words do you remember and carry with you each day?
Which words affect your judgements and what you do and say?

Time standing still

The clock stops, time stands still,

Dust settling in the memories of your mind,

The silence of your past sends you a chill,

The cobwebs you can't leave behind.

Jackie

It doesn't matter where you are emotionally in your life, there are certain things which can take you right back to situations. For me this is conflict or music!!  Its a surreal experience to be in the moment, but to be cast right back to a different time. Its as if the clock has been stopped and your life has been rewound.  Sometimes I just wish I could forget and not feel.  Feeling can hurt. 

At least now I acknowledge how I am feeling and not hide it or numb it with disordered eating or alcohol. 

Innocence

 Innocence

Trusting and believing,

Idolising and loving,

Blameless......

Stolen and violated,

hurt and shamed,

Blaming.....

Growth

This week on the blogging for well being challenge we are taking inspiration from Images. One image a day from the artist, Julie De Waroquier.
Now this was not easy for me. I have no real interest in Art, at school the only thing that interested me was Ms Hulmes 60's dress style and the Beatles tapes she used to play during lessons.
I have not been one for looking at a painting for time on end and being able to 'read' it. For me Art was a pretty picture that I put on my lounge wall which blended in with the colour scheme. But you know me, always up for a challenge, so here goes. Lets see what this says to me.

Growth.

With knowledge we gain understanding,

With understanding we become accepting,

With acceptance becomes peace,

With peace becomes balance,

With balance brings light,

With light we see clearly,

With clarity we gain life,

With life we grow.

What defines me?

Whats defines me?

My values and beliefs.

My loves and losses.

My failures and achievements.

My insecurities and confidence,

My positivity and disappointments,

My stresses and calm.

My strength and weakness,

My experience and inexperience,
My fears and dreams.

What defines me...
My being,
My self.

Who am I?

I'm sure we have all asked ourselves the same question. Who am I?  If we answer this ourselves which I have done previously, we end up with a list of life roles and often not so flattering adjectives to describe  ourselves.  The list would be different dependant on where we are in our life but more often than not it is easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

If I was to answer this question a few years ago the answers would be oceans apart from how I feel now.

Whilst in a depression and in the grips of an eating disorder good self esteem was way down there along with eating 3 squares meal a day.  I hated myself. Everything about me; what I represented; how I looked just filled me with disgust.  I felt useless, worthless, angry, bad, dirty, guilty......the list is endless. I saw traits in myself during this period that I would never have chosen in a friend so why should they have been accepting of me?  At times I didn't recognise myself.

The process from then until now was slow and  hard. It took strength and courage to revisit and accept things which had happened in the past, a willingness to change my behaviours and a decent support network to help me through the emotional and physical changes as well as any setbacks.   Every traumatic weigh-in, tears over meal plans and the nagging e.d. voice in my head has been worth the journey to recovery.

So who am I now?  I asked 2 close friends to describe me in two words.  I have been given beautiful (twice) funny and effervescent. Interesting Ladies,thank you :)

Beautiful.  What is beauty?  Again this is something I have blogged about before. If were talking aesthetic beauty then first thing in the morning I'm very dodgy' but give me a bit of make-up and I don't scrub up too badly. I see beauty as something deeper than our facial features, the love a person radiates, the selflessness of an action, the emotion between friends.

Funny. Now this could mean funny as amusing, or funny as in strange or weird!!!  I will go with the amusing.

I can get a bit carried away with myself at times and I know I can be loud.  I have tried to curb this unsuccessfully! People constantly ask me I I am OK, am I ill, Is something wrong? Obviously being loud and funny is how I should be......although at times I can be very shy.

Effervescent.  Bubbly and fizzy like a bath bomb or a bottle of bollinger.

I am a person who has hit rock bottom and come out the other side. Despite the traumas this has changed me in a positive way.  I try to see the good in people and to not judge on appearance. Everyone has a past but it does not have to define their future' it certainly shouldnt define how we respond to them.

I am happy with my life, positive about my future and accepting of my body.

‘For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.’  Audrey Hepburn

Inspiration.

It feels like forever since I have contributed to the 'Blogging for well being challenge,' I haven't forgotten about you all, life has just been a little hectic at the moment. I will make time to read others contributions, honest.
I think I'm a few weeks late with this one but what a brilliant prompt. 'Inspiration.'

Inspiration

When I first read this the word that came into my head was 'Thinspiration.'  This took me straight back to over  two years ago where I would spend many hours into early in the morning trawling the Internet.
In a dark depression, slightly numbed by alcohol I would look at photos airbrushed or not of emaciated,  celebrities, comparing hip bones, collar bones and searching for my 'perfection, my inspiration.
I will not dwell on this as it serves no positive purpose, but during my searches I came across several websites which promoted eating disorder recovery.  From here I found my real inspiration.  People just like me, who understood, didn't judge and were supportive. They held out a virtual hand of friendship, were there in the early hours when no one else could be. They gave me hope with their strength, passion and love.  They helped me see a future, a life and make sense of what was going on in my head. They said it how it was however blunt, or harsh it may have seemed at the time. They were my inspiration, they still are my inspiration and for that I am eternally grateful.

http://www.webiteback.com/      http://www.something-fishy.org/    http://werfreedomfighters.webs.com/apps/links/

Contentment.

I have all I need.

My wealth is in my happiness,

The dawn of each new day,

The gift of life of which I'm blessed,

The friends who choose to stay.

I've wasted lots of money,

I've nearly lost my life,

Our time on earth is far too short,

To live close to the knife.

I look at those near to me,

And think of what I hold,

A family, friends, and I'm healthy,

I'm richer than those with gold.

Jackie 2012

I have learned

I have learned,

To think before I speak,

Perfection is something not to seek,

Be careful in who you trust,

Loyalty is a must.

I have learned,

Don't live in the past, move on,

My priority is number one,

Be true to yourself, don't lie,

kiss the negative thoughts goodbye..

I have learned,

Life sucks at times, its hard,

It leaves you emotionally scarred,

Only you can gain control,

and work towards you goal.

I have learned,

the hard way, fuck it hurts,

when you're served your just desserts,

The icing on the cake,

The nightmares from you wake.

I have learned...................

Jackie 2012

Beauty

Beauty Au Naturel

Gel pads, uplift, silicone, tit tape,

Spandex, bum lift, waist chincer, fake bake.

Botox, fillers, trout pout, false lashes,

Plumpers, minimiser's, enhancers, body bashers.

Spot cream, skin smoother, this will make your boobs firm,

Airbrushing, meal skipping, when will we ever learn,

Peel off the exterior, look deep into the interior

Real beauty is confidence, once size fits all.

Jackie 2012

Exquisite beauty imprisoned once more.

Exquisite beauty, imprisoned once more.

As she slumps by the toilet and falls to the floor,

The demons inside her she needs to get out,

Her strength and her value she's starting to doubt.

The cycle begins, the hate has no end,

This demon inside her she see as her friend,

She hurts her frail body to gain some release,

When all that she wants is some love and some peace.

The battle continues 'til someone gives in,

I will love myself when I become thin,

Say the demons within until you say 'No.'

'This is not my life, not how I want to go.'

Exquisite beauty, imprisoned no more,

As she picks herself up from the bathroom floor,

And she says 'this is my life, not yours to kill.'

'I am beautiful, I am worth it and  live it I will.'

Jackie 2012

personality

Personality

What you see is what you get,

A girl who likes a cider and a cigarette,

I talk too much, and far to quick,

and after a while I will get on your wick.

I'm very impulsive and like to take chances,

I love music, laughter and disco dances,

I can be quite anxious and occasionally dim,

I'm often smutty but act nice and prim :)

I'm creative, and gregarious,

just wish my joke were hilarious,

I'm passionate, loyal and trusting,

but sometimes I smell disgusting xx

The Perfect Body :)

The Perfect Body

Flawless skin like a peachy bum,

Acne scars and too much sun,

crows feet, wrinkles, freckles and moles,

Lots off 'Ink' and piercing holes.

Ginger hair down there and on your head,

Peroxide blonde and pillar box red,

Sprouting chins and nasal hair,

Mohawks that make people stare.

Boobs that stand up with no support,

Big and bouncy no good for sport,

Saggy like a spaniels ear,

after years of feeding that child so dear.

A washboard stomach all firm and toned,

Wobbly bits, muffin top or big boned,

Love handles that cause you strife.

Stretch marks showing that you gave life,

Pearly whites all neatly capped,

Little gaps with spinach trapped,

Tram track braces all straight and neat,

Dentures from eating too many sweets.

The perfect body comes in many guises,

The short the tall, different sizes,

Don't rely on the mirror, look to your heart

Perfection is you, not just a body part.

Jackie 2012

Self empowerment

I have really sucked at taking part in this challenge, hence only one post this week on 'Blogging for well-being.' I have struggled slightly with the topics, not with the content itself but how to physically put them down on paper (keyboard) So excuse the babbling and waffling and I will try. :)

For me self empowerment has been about taking control of my life, taking responsibility for my actions, acceptance of myself and others, challenging negative thoughts and learning to say no.
With my eating disorder I was out of control, although for most of the time my head was telling me I was the one in control.  The turning point was when I said no to Anorexia, took back the control, made the choice to recover and challenged myself throughout the journey.  It was a difficult process, an emotional and heartbreaking process, but ultimately I was the one in control, I was the one who had the power to change things and it felt so good when I did.
Throughout my recovery the professional support I received was not ideal all the time. But the people that made a difference were the ones who guided me, didn't tell me what to do. I made the decisions and I called the shots. I was the one who made the changes in my life and turned it around. Of course I wanted to recover for the people I love but I needed to want to do it for me. You can do it to................

Week Two-Self Nurturing

Week two of the 'Blogging for well being' challenge and this week we are talking about self nurturing. My understanding of self nurturing would be taking time out for yourself which can be bloody hard when you hold down a full time job, have children, a family, home etc.  It is prioritising your time, learning to say no, recognising when you are become ill, stressed, anxious and allowing yourself to do something about it. Making yourself a priority without feeling guilty or bad.
Self nurturing isn't selfish, its not about denying others or not giving them your time or energy, its about looking after number one.  If you're not well emotionally and physically you wont be able to function at work, school, college or in your relationships.
I have always been a culprit of trying to do too much at once, taking on too much either practically or emotionally.  I can remember a situation about 7 years ago when I had several friends on the telephone or coming round talking to me about their relationships, problems and I was dropping what I was doing for myself to be with them.  If I didn't do that I felt guilty, I was a bad friend and unworthy of their friendship. Eventually, I became so wound up and snapped at one of them when they disregarded how I was feeling.  I realised then that I needed to put myself first, at least some of the time, without feeling selfish.
I have now found that true friends understand that and I would hope they would look after themselves in the same way.

No matter how busy your day is, no matter how little time you think you have, just try and spare some for yourself.

Have a soak in the bath, with bubbles, candles, wine and music.

Call a friend or family member.

Read a book and turn off your mobile.

Write, sing, dance.......

Go shopping and look (or buy) shoes, handbags, cupcakes whatever floats your boat.

Spend quality time with a friend, partner, pet.

Just do something because you want to, because you enjoy it,  because you can and because your worth it.