Word Of The Day. day 30 Community

I never thought I would attribute the fact that I had suffered from an eating disorder with something positive but this is it....Community.
I wouldn't have had the pleasure of 'meeting' such a positive group of like minded people whilst contributing to the 'bloggers challenge.'  I have learned so much about myself, I have had happy days and very emotional days.  I have grown so much in my emotional self over the past few months and have seen a part of me I am being to like.
I have been excited with each days new topic for writing, and have set aside a time to do this .
So thank you to Tracey, Arielle, Lindy B,Kylie-Rose,Jenn, Purple Dreamer, Sia-Jane,Jennifer, Kaz, Angela,Anne-Sophie and everyone else who have taken part. I admire you all for your braveness, honesty and inspiration.  Thank you xxx

Word Of The Day. Day 28. Mystery

Its A Mystery

Its a mystery.....

where does the flab go when you wear magic knickers,

why did they change the chocolate bar from Marathon to Snickers.

Why is a tomato not a vegetable but a fruit,

Why do I find Robert Powell 'cute.'

Why do we put so much emphasis on looks,

Why does Gordon Ramsay swear when he cooks,

Do Tortoises like  living in their shell,

I f you cut off my nose could I still smell,

If being thin will make you happy,

why do diets make you feel crappy.

Life is one big mystery,

the answer is, suck it and see...

Word Of The Day. Day 27 Travel

Lifes Long Journey

There's no map to guide us on our way,

Just our trust in others and what they say,

We'll find ourselves at crossroads, or even round the bend,

frustrated when all we do is reach a dead end.

We will see things that abhor us, or chill us to the bone,

feel the pain of others then wish we travelled alone,

We will make bad choices, but from these we will learn,

that life throws up surprises at every twist and turn.

There is no Trip Advisor, for life upon this earth,

No RAC to pick us up or tell us what we're worth,

You can't come back a second time so live it whilst you can,

With love, with joy, with happiness, that's what I call a plan :)

Jackie

“The beautiful journey of today can only begin when we learn to let go of yesterday.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Word Of The Day. Day 27 Bliss

Bliss.....that moment when you throw your arms in the air, let out an enormous sigh of happiness and you're not actually sure why :)

Sheer Bliss

The touch of bath bombs as they fizz against your skin,

popping like candy, melting within,,

lingering scent caressing with steam,

in a marshmallow, bubbly, chocolaty dream.

Finding your parked car after Glastonbury,

The purr of my cat when hes sat on my knee,

Clean sheets on your bed when you get out the bath,

The feel of a hug and the sound of a laugh,

Not having to stress about what to eat,

Not living a life of lies and deceit,

not counting numbers or standing on scales,

loving yourself in spite of your ails.

Word Of The Day. Day 26 Purpose

As I child growing up in the North East of England there were certain expectations put on me.  Male and Female roles were clearly defined within the Family, the Man was the breadwinner whilst the Woman looked after the children, cleaned the house, cooked  the dinner whilst also working to top up the family income.
There was the expectation that you would do well at school, go onto college, and furthermore get a career which the Family thought suitable.  You would meet a man, marry and have children, preferably in that order, living 'over the brush.' was out of the question. I did meet at least two of those expectations :)
I found my 'purpose' in life at around the age of 13. It was over the next few years that I became involved with the Girl Guides, the Church and the Duke Of Edinburgh Award, realising that my 'purpose,' was in fact to care for others and support those less able than myself. Since leaving college at the age of 18 I have supported adults and children with learning disabilities/Autism for 27 years.  I didn't reach the expectation of others to go to University, to obtain a degree and become a professional social worker, but I reached my expectations of having a successful and fulfilling career which I look forward to going to most days.

Word Of The Day. Day 25. Forgiveness

For all the hurt you caused me

I forgive you,

For the tears I shed and pain I felt

I forgive you,

For the childhood lost and aching heart,

I forgive you,

For the lies you told and pain you caused,

I forgive you,

For the anger I aimed towards myself,

I forgive you,

For making me feel bad and dirty,

I forgive you.

but I wont forget......

ever.

For not nurturing my body,

I forgive myself,

For abusing my body,

I forgive myself.

and I choose to remember,

for I am worthy of the love of myself.

Word Of The Day. Day 23 and 24 Soul and Face

What is my Soul?  This isn't something I have ever pondered on, despite having a belief in God I'm not a very spiritual person.

The nearest I have been to a spirit is in a bottle, and the only soul I have ever listened to was in Tamla Motown and The Supremes.

So this evening I sit and wonder about my soul, what it is, where it is, and what is its purpose.

If you are soulful, you must be full of it, soulless, lacking in it. Soul searching, looking for it!!

Maybe my soul is my doorway to my heart, as my heart is the doorway to my home. 

Mirror Mirror on the wall,

who's the fairest of them all?

Wow, not me? well I'm not shocked,

Do I look like I give a toss.

My twinkly eyes are a shade of blue,

I have enough teeth so I can chew,

My laughter lines could tell a tale,

Of rowdy nights and too much ale.

I may not have the face of Dior,

But every day I'm loving it more,

Each imperfection, each little spot,

Hey good looking, your looking hot.

Mirror Mirror on the wall,

Who's the fairest of them all,

Each and everyone of you,

I hope one day you'll believe that too.

Jackie x

Word Of The Day. Day 21 Fight

From the minute I came into this world I have been fighting.  I fought for my breath, my life when born nearly 3 months early weighing little more than a bag of sugar.

I fought for acceptance with my peers at school, I fought for a future with my education, my life and career choices. 

I fought for my child, for his future, for his happiness and will continue to the day I die.

I fought my demons,those that had hurt me, my negative thoughts, my damaging actions, my eating disorder.

I continue to fight.  I still fight my lack of self esteem and my negative self-image in a world which is so bloody image and beauty conscious.

I fight those in my head who told me I couldn't, I wouldn't but I have :)

I will fight for those who cannot fight for themselves, I will fight to show others that beauty is more than skin deep, that there can be life after an eating disorder.

I will fight WITH others, with those who have shown me who I can be.

Word Of The Day. Day 20 Compliment

I have never been great at accepting compliments for what they are, but I am getting better.  Growing up I remember a lot of 'you could do betters.' but not a lot of ,'well done!' Maybe they were there, maybe I just didn't hear them, maybe I just chose to hear the negative, maybe after a while negativity gets battered so far in that you never hear the good about yourself.  On the very rare occasions years ago that I may have received a heckle or wolf whistle I took it as someone taking the piss out of me, how could they be talking about someone so damn ugly!
I cant cope with being told how well I do my job.  Mandy take note, during staff performance reviews I am not looking smug, I have a nervous grin as I try to take in what you are saying.  Telling others they are doing a good job....easy :)
Thankfully things are changing, with the help of some special and beautiful people I am starting to see me for who I really am, and starting to believe in myself. Chances are, one of those beautiful and special people are reading this, so thank you. xx

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-to-take-a-compliment.html

Word Of The Day. day 19 Tears

I went to a conference a few years ago where one of the guest speakers was a young lady with Autism.  She spoke about her understanding or misunderstanding around tears.  As she had little empathy of others emotions she could not pick up on physical cues or body language around what she perceived as 'water coming out of someones eyes.'  She had been taught this happens when people are sad but also when people are happy.  I was always moved by this inability to grasp human emotion but could also feel a connection with often crying but not being able to understand 'why.'

Tears....

of joy, laughter, happiness, relief.

Tears,

of anger, sadness, frustration, grief.

Tears,

from a winner, loser, woman, man,

Tears,

of strength, not weakness, just who I am.

Jackie

Word Of The Day. Day 18 Laughter

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.  ~Woody Allen

Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg.  ~Author Unknown

A laugh is a smile that bursts.  ~Mary H. Waldrip 

When I was little Dad had this little battery contraption called 'the laughing box,' it was wrapped in a  yellow cotton bag and when you pressed the button it played recorded laughter.  Dad found it hilarious, in fact he found humour in the smallest of things. I must admit it was very contagious and you couldn't help but start laughing when you listened to it.

So lets try it, watch this video clip and see if you can get to the third person without a little bit of laughter running down your legs :)

My Favourite Photo which remind me of laughter

Toby desperately trying to keep a straight face before Prom.



 
















                                                                                                        

Word Of The Day. Day 16 and 17 Beginning and End

I decided to incorporate beginning and end together, as for me the end of my eating disorder was the beginning of my life again.  So this is a poem I wrote in April 2011 which says it all really.

The Beginning of the end

Moving On

Its time to say goodbye,

To rid myself of a living lie,

I'm moving on. I'm biting back,

Best foot forward, right on track.

I will not mourn the friend Ive lost.

I hope again our paths wont cross,

What I love is inside me,

Not the figure in the mirror I see.

Good riddance to this shit disease,

The expectations I never achieved,

Perfection does not equal thin,

But biting back means I will win.

I’m stronger now, Ive fought the fight,

And now I ‘ll savour ever bite,

Farewell my anorexic friend,

Lets hope this truly is the end

Jackie 

Word of the Day. Day 15. Now

 If you want to make a change in your life, be it stopping smoking, looking for a new job, breaking a habit, giving up your eating disorder, why wait until tomorrow?   Take that first little step while you are thinking of it, whilst it is going around in your head.  Start your recovery now :) Yes it will be hard, it will no doubt be one of the most difficult things you have ever done but it will be worth it.

But in order to be in the 'now' and move on to our future we may need to look at the past.  Therapists I have seen have worked in the' here and now' , what is going on in my life that is making me feel like I do at that  time.  I have touched on feelings and emotions from the past but have dismissed them as painful and not wanting to go there.....maybe 'now' is the time to make that change for myself.

Word Of The Day. Day 14 Love

I don't really love chocolate, my ipad or karaoke, I just like them rather a lot.  I love my Husband, I love my Son, I love my friends, my family and Charlie the cat. For me love is an intense feeling, I could imagine life without chocolate and other 'objects,' but not without the people in my life that I dearly love.

Love is about respect, tolerance,acceptance,understanding,compassion,forgiveness,actions, caring and feeling, not all hearts and flowers.

Love is holding your hair out of the way when you are unwell.

Love is taking you on and your Son :)

Love is accepting your faults and not trying to change them.

Love is supporting each other when things are going wrong.

Love is leaving the last cornetto for your husband to eat......OK, I admit i hid it behind the frozen chips so he couldn't find it!!  :) But I do love him.

Now loving yourself is another story.......

Word Of The Day 11. Force

My initial reaction to the word 'Force,' was the links to aggression, violence and rape. Nurses in hospital almost forcing food down you, being watched over whilst you forced the ensure down your throat!! Then I thought of Star Wars I did....may the force be with you.
Darth Vader: He is here. 
Governor Tarkin: Obi-Wan Kenobi? What makes you think so? 
Darth Vader: A tremor in the Force. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master. 
Governor Tarkin: Surely he must be dead by now. 
Darth Vader: Don't underestimate the Force. 
Governor Tarkin: The Jedi are extinct, their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion. 
[answering a comm signal] 
Governor Tarkin: Yes? 
Voice over comm: We have an emergency alert in detention block AA-23. 
Governor Tarkin: The Princess? Put all sections on alert. 
Darth Vader: Obi-wan *is* here. The Force is with him. 
Governor Tarkin: If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape. 
Darth Vader: Escape is not his plan. I must face him, alone. 

The force to fight back, the force to take back the control from something that has damaged you and battered you for what seems like an eternity. Then to create a force field of support network around you.

Never underestimate the force :)

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Non-violence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man.
Mahatma Gandhi

Word Of The Day 9-10 logic. Emotional

Logic

Eat less, Move more, lose weight.

Lose weight, be skinny, be happy.

Be happy, be confident, be loved.

Eat less, lose weight, lose control.

Lose control, lose brain power, lose logic.

Think about it....

food is fuel, your body is a machine,

without fuel you stop!!

Back in the mid 80's when eating disorders were a little misunderstood and I had a 'slimmers disease,' nothing was explained to me.  I was given counselling, stayed in hospital, re-fed but had little understanding of my eating disorder.

It wasn't until my referral in 2010 to a specialist ED Nurse that things clicked in to place.  When I read the Minnesota starvation experiment I began to understand what in fact was happening to my brain and why I was feeling how I was. Also having a dietitian to explain about food groups, muscle/fat etc.I need to add though, that I had to get to the point where I wanted to recover myself for me and me alone.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment

Emotional

Abuse

Ugly, worthless, stupid.

Words hurt more than fists,

Tears,

Give you something to cry about,

weakness, child, baby,

numbness.

Love.

Beautiful, smile and hugs.

Words of reassurance,

arms wrapped around you,

tears of joy,

strength and maturity,

feeling.

Word of the Day 5-8. Sincere.Warrior.Honesty.Trouble.

I have a feeling my fingers, heart and eyes will be sore after todays blogging!!  Due to an appointment with a sun lounger on a beautiful Greek Island, I have not blogged for what seems like an eternity. (More about the holiday later)
So today I will endeavour to continue with Junes Bloggers challenge so you will find many days in one post.

Sincerity

I ask,

you reply,

with honesty,

frankness,

with love, 

and conviction.

It hurts,

but true words can also heal the pain.

I believe in you,

you believe in me.

Sincerity.

When given the word 'Warrior' the first people I thought of was She Ra from a childrens' cartoon, Joan Of Ark and that hot bloke from Spartacus.
But as this challenge is mostly linked into eating disorders pro recovery I will again plug the freedom fighters,
a group of women from different parts of the world who have battled with eating disorders and strive to educate others that recovery is an option and we should not be silent.

http://werfreedomfighters.webs.com/whoarewe.htm

For me warrior means fighter, taking on a challenge, a cause, a battle and continuing the fight until you win.
And for those of you interested, here is a photo of hot bloke from Spartacus :)

Nice Pants :)

During the early parts of my eating disorder honesty was not my priority.

Honest did not allow me to continue with my behaviours, honesty would bring me shame, honesty would damage my relationships and my health or so I thought.

Realistically being honest with myself and others gave me back the control to become well.  Honesty allowed me to focus on what I was feeling and speak about it.  Honesty gave me back the respect I had lost from people around me.

Honesty gave me the strength to break the silence, speak up and share my story.

Honesty goes hand in hand with sincerity.

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.  ~Tad Williams

As a child I always seemed to be in 'Trouble.'  I was very clumsy, constantly dropping and breaking things.  There are still things that I cant write but it was always 'wait til you're Father gets home,' then there'll be trouble.  I'm not sure if I was a particularly difficult child, although I was told I was very naughty and bad, something which stays with you for a long time.  I don't blame my parents anymore, they didn't have an easy upbringing but I certainly don't go along with the 'spare the rod spoil the child' concept.
As a teenager I became 'troubled' constantly.  By my home life, my school life, my appearance, my intelligence or seemingly stupidity.  I have memories of sitting in my room on numerous occasion's with a bag, trying to pack my clothes wondering if I could hitch hike away from what I felt was a troubled existence.  In 1985 I packed my troubles behind me and moved away to only be troubled by my past, my lack of self esteem and confidence and an eating disorder. To this day I hate to be 'in trouble' be it at home or work.  Raised voices and conflict scare me, I can be reduced to tears by a harsh look or stern words, but that's a story for another day.

"Trouble"
Coldplay

Oh no, I see,
A spider web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
Oh I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
And oh, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And oh, and I never meant to do you wrong,
And oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
Oh no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,
Singing out, oh I never meant to cause you trouble,
Oh, I never meant to do you wrong,
Oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

Word Of The day. Day 4 Crazy

When I was a child there was a local Psychiatric hospital called St Lukes nearby, which was often referred to as the 'Looney Bin.' My parents would often comment if I was 'misbehaving,' you will drive us to St Lukes! That never happened, instead I developed an Eating Disorder and became an inpatient in a different 'looney bin,' many years later, for 'crazy' people.  I met a lot of 'crazy' people in my short time there. Elderly patients with dementia, young mothers with post natal depression, teenagers with bi-polar.  These weren't 'crazy' people they were people like me with an illness, people who needed support not to be judged or labelled.
For me now. I see crazy as a good word, the same as I see bonkers or mad. I used to dye my hair pink and red using crazy colours.  I can often wear crazy outfits.  I can be impulsive and do crazy things. I have crazy friends. I love crazy.

Driven Crazy or Crazy Driven

Are you driven crazy or crazy driven?
Are you driven by what people say OR are you crazy driven by an awesome day.

Are you driven crazy after a big fight OR crazy driven by a long night

If your driven crazy don't let anything get under your skin.
And if your crazy driven. It's your time to sin... 

Shauntae Taylor

Word Of The Day. Day 3. Power

I would almost describe my eating disorder as a tug of war, especially during recovery.  The constant nagging thoughts in my head, not sure which way to turn, the power struggle between good and bad!  I think this picture symbolises it really well, the one foot on and one foot off the scales.  The trepidation of standing on fully in fear of what it would tell you, but also the success in being the powerful one and pulling that tug of war rope just that little bit harder and succeeding in not standing on them.

Power, belief, love, strength.

Word Of The Day. Day 2. Invisible

Invisible.

I look to you but you don't see me,

I can hear you speak but you don't hear me.

I reach out for you but your not within my grasp,

I speak to you and my words are swept away

floating on the empty nothingness of my existence.

I feel pain, I cry tears, I can see my reflection,

but what do you see?

Nothing.

For I am unimportant, I am not needed.

I am invisible.

Jackie. June 2012