Tuesday, 30 August 2016

I can't get no sleep!

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

The night-time always seems the worst.
My body is exhausted and yearns for rest but my mind won't switch off.
The thoughts are bouncing back and forth, some good some bad.  I lay awake, distracted by the sound of my breathing as I try to count backwards from a thousand which seems to work better than counting sheep.
I focus on a comment passed on my weight.
I know my clothes are loose, the scales tell a story and I'm not so blind that I cannot see, but why do I see things differently to others?
I focus on my thighs and legs but the discomfort from lying down tells me something different from what's going on in my head.
The hunger in my stomach is almost punishing.  The noises a reminder that yes, I have succeeded in another day of not being good to myself, and for what?
I can see the pain in my Husbands eyes, hear the concern in my Sons voice, feel the love of those around me...... and still I allowed this monster back into our lives.

It is so very tough at the moment.  I know that it is me that needs to turn things round but with no professional support ( still waiting)  I struggle to make sense of things.
Take care.

Friday, 26 August 2016

No literary masterpiece here. Just honesty

My writing in the past has concentrated on the subject (eating disorders, recovery, mental health, body image) as well as trying to inject an element of humour or poetic prose. 
 Today I am not going to do that.

Its not about engaging people or getting followers. My punctuation and grammar will no doubt be all over the place but in this moment I just need to get it out.  No holds barred.

Its been a really tough few weeks. After my last entry I spent a week in Portugal with my Husband and a good group of friends.
The weekend before I wasn't going to go and had pleaded with hubby to go without me if I didn't feel up to it. There was no reason why my circumstances should stop my other half missing out. Kev was having none of this and assured me he would be staying too!!
I tried to focus on all the positives and put a lot of energy into taking this step.  I am so thankful that I did this.
Despite a twisted foot, and a few wobbly moments, the villa was spacious enough to have my own space if needed and had a relaxing and much needed holiday.
The downside for my friends though was that I did become a bit of a feeder and spent a lot of time in the kitchen preparing food.  I didn't hear any complaints.
I tried to get back into a routine as much as possible at home but this was proving difficult.
A week away not knowing what I weighed made me more cautious about what I was putting in my mouth.
I had no idea if I was gaining or maintaining.  This then developed into a more obsessive way of thinking at home.
The nights are now worse......
Thoughts are very food focused, calorie focused and weight focused.  This combined with other pressures which I won't go into is giving me a total head fuck.
Sometimes I have wanted to run away, dissapear and just not be here.  Feeling like a waste of good air and a problem to others is not a good thought to have!!
Some days I really want to beat this and other days I feel so screwed up I don't know what I want.
The lack of proffessional support makes me feel like I don't deserve it or don't need it.
I am so pissed with myself that I don't feel the strength I had before.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted but trying to take one day at a time.
On a positive note, the anxiety is manageable.  My blood work came back clear.  My GP bypassed the mental health team to refer me to the ED team and I have nice nails.
 Rant over........

Much love xxx

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