February 4th. Getting my baps out!

Before you do a double take, please note, the above image is not of me; although I have to say I would be quite impressed if I had an arse like hers!!

No, this is my 'I am practically quivering so much the cupcake topping is curdling' post, prior to my Boudoir photo shoot on Saturday.  I will admit to be just a little bit nervous.

I went shopping to Bath on Saturday, and after visiting the lingerie department of practically every store, and walking round the perimeter of the city at least fifteen times,I came to the conclusion that the women of Bath are far too posh and resorted to the sultry haven of Ann Summers.

Now the issue I have with Ann Summers is they are not very practical.  I am a 'big pants' girl and like to make sure that In the event of an accident, or if I fall on my behind I can rest assured it is completely covered. I would like to think that I will never be in the position (scuse the pun,) where a Gynaecologist will need quick access to my lady bits via a pair of crotchless frilly pants!!

I have decided that my photos should emphasise my best bits, therefore I will dress up my bottom and legs.  I think I have chosen well, but decided against the shop assistants idea of nipple tassles.  I want to look sexy not clean my shoes!

I will let you know how I get on.  I will probably be spending the rest of the week practising sultry pouts and bottom sticking out in the bathroom mirror.

I wonder what Kev will think if he comes come from work and finds me in the kitchen in nothing but a cupcake pinny and heels?

Happy Valentines kev.

January 11th. Resolution update.

At the end of last year I set my self some . New year resolutions.  Not the usual ones, but some which are sustainable, measurable and enjoyable.  So how have I done?

1. Write a blog post a day.  This has actually proven more difficult to achieve than I first thought. The general constraints of daily life along with bloggers blindness has already put me a day behind.  I'm not going to allow that to put me off though as I have plenty of things coming up to write about. I have been involved in a facebook group of bloggers which has led me in lots of different directions.I enjoy reading other's blogs and am interested in comments left on mine.
2. Take a photo a day. So far so good and enjoying the challenge of finding things which inspire me.
3. Have a date night with Hubby once a month. We haven't reached the end yet so there is still time!!! As I am still off the alcohol maybe a night at the cinema rather than a pub or Restaurant is on the cards.
4. Eat dinner at the table at least twice a week with no TV. This could be going better. Maybe it would help if I didn't use the dining table as a dumping ground!!  We have stuck to this a few times, and it has been nice.  We spend little quality time together as a family so what a perfect way to do this.  Since recovery from my eating disorder its so refreshing to have a positive outlook on food, especially the social aspect. Food is something to be enjoyed, savoured and tasted.
5. To have Toby, his Girlfriend and Son round to Sunday Lunch once a month.  Unfortunately Claire's shifts haven't worked for this, but Toby has eaten with us so that's a bonus.
6. Write a letter to an online friend and post it every month. So far I have managed a Birthday Card to New York.  The letter is in the process.
7. Walk at least an hour twice a week regardless of the weather.  Epic fail!!!!  I have signed up with my personal trainer again starting next week.  I need to get my motivation back.
8. Beat last years time for The Cancer Research walking Marathon. This will happen!!
9. Stop going into work early to get things finished. Have got myself more organised. Things are mostly on track. Stress levels gone down.
10. Get up for work 30 minutes earlier and eat Breakfast. Seriously think this will never happen!!

Not bad I think....and no cigarettes.

January 9th. A picture paints a thousand words....what does your book shelf Say?

If a picture paints a thousand words, what does your book shelf say about you?
It's 11.55pm and I have 5 minutes left to complete today's blog post and not break my New Years resolution, so this will be a quicky!!
So back to my book shelf. I have to make it clear that 3 of these books (guess which ones) are borrowed from a friend. the same friend in fact who sat thumbing through the book on vibrators ticking off which device she owned!!!  Obviously I shall be discreet and not mention the friends name!!
As for the 'How to write a dirty story,' book, yes, I will own up to that one.  I have yet to start writing but never say never.
Book shelf number 2 tomorrow.

January 8th. An Essence Of Memories.

An Essence Of Memories.

Salt and Vinegar with Chips on a Saturday,

Stale smoke and beer,

A lingering of fear,

Dettol for the cuts,

Disinfectant for the vomit,

The stench of dread creeping from the closet.

January 7th. Bramble,The Dog Who Wanted To Live Forever.

It was during one of my 'writers block' moments that a friend suggested I write about her dog.  At first I pondered, as me animals and writing have never mixed, but actually, it is an interesting story which I'm sure some readers may like to hear, and as you know, I'm always up for a bit of diversity.

I first met Anne Heritage in the mid eighties.  She was friends with my Brother-In-Law at the time and we later became work colleagues.  

Anne was what some would call an unusual character.  She had her own individual style, strong beliefs and opinions and was not afraid to speak her mind. What stood out for me with Anne was her love and respect for animals. She would readily admit to having more time for them than humans, although I have to say when I worked with Anne she showed great dignity and respect to the individuals she supported with disabilities.  She was and still is a vegan (trust me I've been on the receiving end of the wind!!) and a huge campaigner and advocate for animal rights.

As I said before, Anne was an interesting character. A story which sticks out predominately in my mind is when their female Dog of many years passed on. Anne was, as you can imagine devastated with the loss of Floyd, and in an ideal situation would want her buried in the Garden in which Floyd loved to play.  Unfortunately this was not possible as the house was rented so Anne and her friend did the best thing. They bought a chest freezer.

I can imagine some of you sat there now thinking them just a little bit weird but think about it.

Yes, Floyd is preserved in ice, with her blanket and flowers what's so weird about that?

To quote Anne, " Many people have dead animals in their chest freezers. The difference being we don't eat ours."

I will now let Anne share her story of another of her companions Bramble, The Dog Who Wanted To Live Forever.

Many thanks to Jackie for letting me guest on her blog. Id like to talk to you about making strange things happen. One of the great things about life is its unexpectedness;I enjoy trying to make the impossible happen. One example of this in my life was how I managed to get a dog in my care to live to twenty five years old. When she died she was the worlds oldest bitch. I did this by inventing a diet and care regime for her that no one had tried before. It worked and I wrote a book about it which you can now read. In my opinion people also die too soon. Maybe we could all live longer if we did things differently. If you would like to read my book here is the link..its about the art of whats possible in life as much as anything. Don't let other peoples ideas limit your imagination. Dream about something different then do it. Enjoy. Now you can read about the diet and care regime of the dog who at the time of her death was the worlds oldest bitch. Its also rescue collie Brambles life story and suggests new ways of relating to the Animals in our care. Read about promoting longevity in your dog and Brambles adventures with her friends in Somerset. http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00ABGW8KS/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_dp_7cnTqb0C067GY

Bramble; The dog who wanted to live forever. The Somerset notes.

www.amazon.co.uk

January 6th. Tempted by Jack.

So things were going pretty well. 4th day into the Dryathlon for Cancer Research and not a drop of alcohol had touched my lips.  It was a miserable weekend and we had terrible weather. The threat of localised flooding, gale force winds and generally being very wet outside meant we were inside to stay.  

Now I'm not much of a home bird and I do like to get out and about, especially on an evening, but this night was definitely one for the sofa, fire and a good film. Brilliant weather for ducks but not for me!!

At the same time as taking part in the Dryathlon I had also given up smoking!! I didn't really smoke that much but I must admit I probably increased my addiction over the Festive period. I was getting fidgety.....

I'd spent what seemed like eternity knocking up what I would say was an amazing meal and was sat supping on my elderflower mineral water afterwards.

Hubby comes in and say," Fancy a Honey Jack Daniels with ice?"  I frown.......

"Oh sorry Love, you can't have any can you? Don't worry, no one one will know."    I will know.......

After several minutes of umming and ahhhing, shall I and shan't I, I gave in, decided to use my golden ticket and opted to pay the £20 'falling off the wagon fine' and pay the money to Cancer Research.

Was it worth it?  Yes!!  I had a lovely warming glass of Honey JD, didn't get plastered but I have to say, it was probably one of the most expensive drinks I have ever bought.....

I am pleased to say I am now back on the wagon, still off the fags and it's still raining.

Come back tomorrow for the story of the worlds oldest dog.

January 5th. The Wonderful Thing About Onesies.

I was beginning to think I had set myself up to fail with my post a day for a year challenge! Since recovery and my mental health being on the straight and narrow my posts have started to become a little random.  I'm hoping because of this I won't be losing readers.    I will continue to write about Eating Disorders and my involvement with the positive body image campaign Body Gossip, as my main aim is still to help others feel good about themselves.  A brilliant way to feel good about yourself is not to take yourself too seriously......

wear a Onesie.

I presumed that Onesies were a staple fashion piece, part of our capsule wardrobe, until a friend from Germany came to stay with us over Christmas.  He was amazed that people actually wore them, bad enough indoors but to be actually be seen out in public!!

Onesies are a cross between a babygro and underwear that would be seen on men in an old Western movie.

Dependant on your body shape, wearing one can make you look like like either a Telly-tubby or Lara-croft from Tomb Raider!!  I am possibly somewhere in the middle.

The selection is amazing. So many to chose from and many advantages.

• They save on heating bills. Wack on a Onesie and turn down the heating.
• They can double up as a fancy dress costume.
• Brilliant contraception. No-one can get past this crotch!!
• Imagine the role play.
• Instant super hero.
• No need for socks/slippers if you get a footed one.
• Front pockets ideal for holding the remote.
• They are a great reflection of your personality or if bought as a gift how others see you :)

But they do have a few cons!!

• Difficult to pee in public toilets if you are male.
• You have to practically undress completely to use the toilet if you're female!!
• Make sure you buy for height otherwise you will have a constant wedgie.

All in all I am an advocate for the onesie, and here's more pics to prove it.

Love 'em or hate 'em, there's a onesie out there for everyone. Enjoy x

January 3rd. Abstinence.

Abstinence 

Ignore the saboteurs,

The ones who try and make you stray,

Who help you lose your way.

'One won't hurt,' falls on deaf ears,

Avert your eyes from cider and beers.

No need to grieve for malt and hops,

Or smell the mead in the farmhouse shops.

Your liver has a new found zest,

The hangover will no longer molest

Your head in the morn and strangle your head,

And leaving you writhing in your bed.

Instead you rouse with open eyes,

Throw open the curtains look up to the sky's,

And think only 3 more weeks to lose,

'Til I can get back on the booze!!!

Not sure what I'm finding more difficult. Packing in smoking or not having a glass of wine at night!!  Probably a combination of both.  Have filled the fridge with some lovely fruit flavored mineral waters to give me a change from coffee on an evening.  The combination of coffee and fags just seem to fit together nicely.

The weather here is currently lousy otherwise I would be off out for a walk to give me something to do.  Lots of wind and rain and only going to get worse over the weekend!!  Suppose I could just hit the jelly babies again or blog rubbish for the next few months. 

See you tomorrow xx never give up, giving Up.

January 2nd. How Do You Eat Yours?

Jelly babies :)   I love them. When I was a little girl they were so much bigger, but like all the sweets of yesteryear they have decreased in size and increased in price!! My only criticism has to be that they are very difficult to stop eating and depending on the brand, can have too much icing sugar on them.
I have to admit, even though my eating disorder is under control I do have to put the jar in cupboard. Out of sight-out of mind is definitely true with these little blighters.
Originally known as Peace Babies, Jelly Babies were launched 75 Years ago by Bassett's - one of Britain's oldest sweets manufacturers - to celebrate the end of the first world war
Peace Babies were popular between the wars, but due to a shortage of raw materials, Bassetts stopped producing them during the Second World War. They were reborn in 1953, and renamed The Jelly Babies.

• They have been a popular sweet with several Dr Who's.
• There Baby Brilliant, Bubbles,Booful, Bigheart, Bumper and Bonny. They all lay a different instrument in the band and have unique skateboarding skills!  Seriously!!  I don't go along with this individual baby tosh. Start giving them identities and I will have to think twice about eating them.
• George Harrison was hit in the eye at a Beatles gig by a Jelly baby. He made the mistake of telling his fans that he liked them!!  

Why Did The Jelly baby Go To School?

Because He Wanted To Be A Smartie :)

Apparently you can tell a lot about a person by how you eat them!!

• Eat it whole-you are confident and outgoing.
• Eat the feet first-you lack confidence and are shy.
• Bite the head of first-you have a mean streak.
• You eat it any old way-you are a slob and a bit thoughtless.

OK, I cram at least 3 in my mouth at once. What does that say??

A little thought to be going on with. We are all bit like sweets. Sometimes sweet, sometimes sickly,sometimes bitter, often nutty, can take a long time to get to the best bit, what you see on the outside is not always what you find in the inside. 

See you tomorrow. xxx

January 1st. Putting things into perspective.

January 1st 2014.  Today is the first day of a new year which brings with it 365 blog posts, 365 photographs, a dry January ( in alcohol not weather!) and yet again another attempt to give up smoking.

 For those of you who think I have still given up, yes I failed. I managed for about 8 months and stupidly thought it ok to just have one, then another, then another. Pretty stupid really when you think about it.

My longest period of giving up was 6 years after my Dad was really ill following years of strokes.  Not only did I not want to end up with heart disease like my Father but it was the aftermath of the illness. My Mothers life came crashing down and her role changed from Wife and Lover to carer. Their twilight years of retirement which should have been spent enjoying each other were replaced with mood swings, anger, resentment, illness, sadness and tears.

Both of my Parents passed years before their time, maybe if they had listened to their Doctors advice, their Family and their bodies things may have been so different.  Sadly I shall never know.

Recent events have shown me that illness can happen at any time, to anyone and its a scary thought.

It makes you think about your own mortality, the people you love and if you have a chance to do something about it you should.

So I am getting rid of all the bullshit of why I can't do something, and instead telling myself why I should and how I can.  Starting with today and the Cancer Research Dryathlon I shall be giving up the booze throughout January, and maybe longer. 

I am giving up the fags for myself, my family and friends.

Anybody fancy joining me?

P.S...  My first picture of the year. This is why I am not setting foot outside the door!!

Next Year I Will........



I am very good at making New Year resolutions, and even better at breaking them!! This year I was given a different way of planning resolutions by an online friend and I will do my up most to stick to them!

The idea being is that they are sustainable all year round, they are measurable and above all they are not a chore!! This list of resolutions will not only be fun to do, but will make a difference (I hope) to my life, my health and my relationships.

Here goes..........

1.  Write a blog post a day.

Just recently my blog has been neglected for many reasons. lack of time, lack of inspiration or just something more important crops up. I owe it to myself and those who have been following my stories to bring it back to life and give it the care and attention it deserves. Even just a few sentences, a quote or a picture can make a difference to someone reading or to how I am feeling. I may need to think ahead when I'm off on holiday but that can be worked on.

2.  Take a photo a day.

I love taking photos and sharing photos, often to the point I'm sure of boring others!!  Photos tell a story, they trigger memories and evoke emotions. Not sure yet if this will be incorporated in with my blog, I will have to think on that one.

3.  Have a date night with Hubby once a month.

Something we don't do enough of is spend quality time together on our own. We have plenty of nights in front of the TV but fall short on the dinners out, cinema evenings, long walks and weekends away. This is one resolution I am seriously looking forward to and hoping I can  motivate the other half.

4.  Eat dinner at the table with no TV at least twice a week.

Self explanatory really. Something we got out of the habit of when Toby grew up and started to fend for himself.

5. To have Toby, his Girlfriend and Son round to Sunday lunch once a Month and eat at the table.

6.  Write a letter to an online friend and post it every Month.

I have made lots of friends online from different walks of life and from around the World. I enjoy sending cards and gifts for Birthdays and Christmas but would love to write and receive letters. if anyone reading fancies joining in, let me know.

7.  Walk for an hour at least twice a week regardless of the weather.

8. Carrying on from number 7, train for the cancer research Shine Walk 2014 and beat this years time.

9.  Stop going into work early to get things finished.

Firstly, if I need to work more hours to get my work done my time management or the system is crap!! Secondly, I don't get paid for the extra time.

10.  Get up 30 minutes earlier for work and eat breakfast.

Are these sustainable? Will keep you up to date. bring on 2014.



No mean feat

Well I actually did it. After several months of training I finished my first walking Marathon in 7.5 hours.

When I initially registered for the walk I did it for a personal challenge as well as sponsorship for Cancer research. 18 months on from having a major hip operation I was determined to push myself to do something I previously couldn't have contemplated. 

The training schedule was not too bad but trying to fit in in with working full time and life in general was tough.......but not as tough as spending weeks or months having  treatment and suffering drug side effects.

When the day came I caught the coach to London, armed with a bum-bag full of plasters, glucose tablets, flapjacks and loo roll!!!  Victoria station was filling with people from all regions (and countries) wearing the recognisable purple Shine T-Shirts with optional coloured wigs, leg warmers, tutus and neon makeup; and that was just the men!!

A short train journey away and I was at Battersea power station, along with 16'000 other shiners and I was petrified.

The atmosphere was beginning to hot up, the stage was lit and we were entertained by belly dancers and the London Rock Choir. The electric atmosphere was inter mingled with moments of quiet, reflection and tears as the big screen showed us testimonials of cancer survivors. It was difficult not to be moved.........

 The Shiners started walking at around 8.15pm and as a 'strider' I started making my way towards the start around half an hour later. It was bottle neck for a while but after the initial stop start myself and several thousand others, were on our way around the 26 mile route, and London began to be lit up with a sea of glow sticks, fairy lights and flashing bunny ears. Me, I took the safe option and dressed for comfort.

At first the weather was kind to us but throughout the course of the evening it rained several times, and no sooner had we dried off it started again!!! Trust me, rain, dyed red hair and glasses is not a good combination.  The organisers had pit stops every 7 miles where we could grab a pee, water and snacks.
but after queueing at a portaloo for half an hour I decided that would be my last toilet visit' even though I was finding it difficult to keep my wind to myself!
As a 'lone' walker I was nervous, but plucked up the courage to chat to a fellow walker. She was called Lyndsey and had come over from Holland. This was her second walk and soon she was setting the pace and telling me about why the cause was so important to her and her family........this woman was my motivation throughout and I was so thankful for her support and spurring me on when I was tired. The Dutch sense of humour is rather funny and I admired her bluntness!
The route was amazing,passing many London landmarks some which were even more beautiful in the moonlight.

The atmosphere in the crowd and in the city was just something else. All of us were there for the same reason, it wasn't a race it was a group of people united in telling Cancer where to get off.  Revellers coming from pubs and clubs were cheering us on and clapping. The Marshall's who I swear must have sore hands from all the high fives were giving us that boost we needed at each corner and junction.

Despite all my training this challenge was tougher than I expected. The first 10 miles were a breeze, but after that the tiredness kicked in. After 15 my thoughts were turning to bed whilst my legs were turning to lead. My regular check ins on facebook came back with messages of luck and they added a bit my fuel to my furnace. The worst was around the 20 mile mark. 20 miles was something I had managed at home, but after a good nights sleep and in day light!! trust me night walking is a different ball game. The final miles seemed to take forever, which each step getting heavier and heavier. Lyndsey told me a story of her walk last year, where her brother was in front with a photo of their Mum on his back....this was all the motivation she needed.

I thought of my Sister, I thought of the Lady on the start line who was walking on crutches, the lady being supported by her Husband who was using a stick, the elderly couple who were walking at a snails pace...and I kept going. As Lyndsey said, the pain and discomfort we were going through at that time was nothing compared to the pain a cancer sufferer is going through, and she was right.

Stepping over that finishing line was a wonderful feeling, and a massive personal achievement, and I've never been so grateful to take my trainers off and have a hot cup of coffee.

To all those who supported me a huge thank you.

And those who thought walking a Marathon was no big deal......put your money where your mouth is and you do it next year :)

A Date To Remember. Happy Anniversary to me.......

Everyone has dates they remember, some fondly and some they choose to forget.

For me there are many...

March 17th 1967- My Birthday.

July 22nd 1985-the day I left home.

July 1987- my admission to hospital for Anorexia.

July 21st 1989-My wedding day to my Sons Dad.

December 1990-my first relapse.

February 1991-getting pregnant :)

November 21st 1991-My Sons Birthday

July 20th 1998- the day my first marriage broke up.

August 1998-Met Kev

July 1999-my second relapse.

2001-my third (hiccup)

July 19th 2005-My Dad died.

July 8th 2008- I married Kev :)

May 26th 2009- My best friend died. (we had fallen out and not spoken for over a year)

May 2010- my fourth relapse

November 2010-the decision to recover properly this time.

March 16th 2011-My Mum died.

March 16th 2012-Hip operation

 There are obviously a hell of a lot more, but I'm sure you are not interested in my first period, losing my virginity, first tattoo, having my ingrowing toenail done,when Toby first used his potty, as if I can actually remember!!

Anyway, back to today.

July 16th is my 2 year anniversary of being discharged from the eating disorders team, and I am celebrating with guilt free beans and cheese on toast with a can of cider.

I am often asked the question,'Do you ever recover fully from an eating disorder?' or 'How do I know I will never go back there?'

These are really difficult questions to answer as I cannot see into the future, but what I do have is belief in myself and a much deeper understanding of me and the illness. When I think back on how much time I have wasted, and how much energy I have put into Anorexia over the years it seems complete madness and it makes me feel sad.............

but I am not a negative person, and I can, and do see positives in the difficult periods of my life.

I wonder who I would be if I hadn't experienced a mental illness. Would I be the strong, motivated Woman that I am now, or would I still be a frightened, timid little girl trapped inside a Woman's body?

It is only through recovery that I have met some amazing people who have influenced and motivated me throughout my journey...alongside the best Family and friends you could want.

I know some have thought that now I am recovered that is it! Leave the world of e.d alone....but I can't do that. I have a strong passion for recovery and after years of suffering from low self-esteem I want to shout from the rooftops, "You are f*****g gorgeous and don't let anyone, especially society tell you otherwise."

So to all you reading this, happy Anniversary to me....and thank you, thank you, thank you. xxxxx

Boobies

Due to my past few posts being a little melancholy I have decided to change direction and go for something a little more uplifting :) Boobs.

Unlike my Mother, my Sister or Dolly Parton I was never blessed with an ample bosom. I was a late developer and yearned for the day I had a chest! When all the girl at school were having their bra straps pinged by the boys there I was still in my ladybird vest.......

I practised in the privacy of my room stuffing Mums bras with loo roll or socks and surveying my profile in the mirror, just to see what if?  Alongside my Adam Ant make-up practice I'm sure I was becoming more appealing to the opposite sex on a daily basis.

Then the day came....  I had started to blossom slightly. OK they were more like a couple of gnat bites than budding breasts but we all had to start somewhere.

I was allowed my very first trainer bra (actually was my elder Sisters cast off.)  I can remember it well. White  (slightly greying from a mixed wash) with red polka dots, fraying elastic back and bent hook and eye fastening!! Should have kept it, would have been vintage now. 

This begs a question. why the hell are they called training bras? What were my Boobies in training for? They were pretty good at standing up on their own, was there something exciting awaiting these Boobs of mine that I wasn't ready to be exposed to yet?

I do wish I had taken a Booby photo a day, imagine that on fast forward :)

So back to Bras. I love Bras. I don't think my Husband understands the importance of having so many bras, especially now they have retired and come out of training.

There's Bras for T-shirts, seam free of course, Bras to push them up and separate them, ones that give you a uni -boob or a cleavage that to be honest can quite often resemble my arse, my knees or the crease in my elbow. (I dare you to take a photo without laughing.) There's blow up Bras, Gel Bras, peep hole Bras (never had One) sports Bras, under wired, no wires, bedroom bras, balconette, halterneck, strapless, the list goes on and on.

Of course you need the pants to match the Bra, along with the handbag and shoes. God forbid you were in an accident and were caught wearing underwear that didn't match!

As I came out of my teens I am pleased to say my Boobs did catch up and we have had an interesting time together. Being pregnant is like having an instant boob job. After having my Son they were just there, 2 massive bowling balls stuck to my chest which leaked like a bloody dripping tap and I had to carry down the stairs.

It suddenly all clicked into place; this was the training the Bra was for!! Ouch.

From then on it was a downward spiral. I was transported to my childhood days, back in front of the mirror, surveying my womanly Bosom. This time it wasn't loo roll, it was tit tape, just to see what I would look like with an uplift.  Hilarious.

My Boobs have given my child comfort, a place to rest a weary head, my Husband pleasure ;)

Boobs, Tits, Breasts, Jugs, Knockers, whatever you want to call them, they're all mine, and I love them.

Girlie's, a little note also to check your boobies

Missing piece of the puzzle....

Something is missing and I'm not quite sure what.  I have a great life, a job which I enjoy most of the time, a wonderful family, the best friends, enough money to live and enjoy life and I have my health.....so why do I feel there is a piece of this puzzle missing?

I have been feeling disheartened for a while now and put it down to a difficult time at work and the 'coming down' from my bubble after the book going live but I wonder if it's more than that?

Thinking back over the past few years to say it has been difficult is an understatement. I have found out more about myself and the pain and love of others than I ever thought possible, and to those that supported me I will remain forever thankful.

In a way the waves of my life has just settled down to a ripple, maybe its a ripple that I should just slowly sit back and take in rather than try to ride on the waves? Maybe I'm not used to having a quiet period and I need to learn how to chill, reflect and just be with myself. 

Easter time has made me question if its something spiritual I am searching for, something which I had many years ago. I have downloaded the Bible onto my IPad and have started reading, I shall be attending a local community church next week just to see......

At the back of my  mind is the teasing and name calling of my college years when I was involved in the Christan Union, I am hoping that those that see me as their friends will accept any decision I take and love me for that, and I hope that I may find what ever it is I am looking for.

Have Faith.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, how well you think you do something it only takes one little knock to smack every little bit of self confidence you have into touch. And that is what has happened to me recently.......

I don't have a problem with my appearance or my self-image, I've pretty much reached a pinnacle with that one, but I'm beginning to lose belief in some of my decisions and judgments.

When your confidence falters you can hear it in the shakiness of your voice, you can feel it in the pounding of your heart at meetings, the endless thoughts and worries when you try and sleep at night, the numerous trips to the loo when you get to work with a dodgy tummy!!

I used to be such a bloody tough cookie. Granted I'm not everyones cup of tea and I have been told I can blow hot and cold (Must remember to take my HRT) but out of everything I had the belief in the work that I did.

When I think back to what has changed I think the catalyst was my eating disorder. I had several months off from work, isolated myself from my colleagues and when I returned found it hard to fit in and in some ways still do! A year later I was again off work for several weeks at a time with pleurisy and then another 4 months following an operation.  These experiences change people. Lack of social contact changes people.

Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist and am frustrated by not having enough hours in the day to achieve what I want to make me feel like I'm doing a good job. Maybe I need to just give myself a slap and regain some faith in myself!!

Hopefully I have just had a bad week and blowing everything out of proportion. 

We shall see.

Gremlins

They creep in at night,

Keep you from your slumber,

Make your chest feel all tight.

Pounding through your rib-cage,

Silently screaming into your sub conscious,

Questioning.

Climbing into your throat,

Constricting,

Tight,

Taking away your appetite.

Voice breaking as you speak,

Confidence melting,

Your strength into meek.

Damned if you do,

Damned if you don't,

Good intentions put out to rot,

That's how you make me feel...

Worry, Anxiety,

Stress,

F**k the lot...

What Are You Going To Teach Your Sons?

As I write this I think of the young Woman in America, brutally violated by two Men, judged and mocked by her peers and now courageously trying to get her precious life back together. 

I am saddened by the pity and compassion given to the perpetrators over the loss of their future, whilst showing total disregard for the future of their victim. I was sickened by the tears they shed in court when they caused pain and suffering to another human being who will be crying silently inside probably for the rest of her life. 

I am disillusioned in our society......

As I Mother I strive to protect my child regardless of their age, I cannot imagine the pain her Mum must be feeling knowing there was nothing she could have done to prevent the hurt to her Daughter.

I wonder too how the Mothers of the 2 young Men must be feeling........In the words of the poet Andrea Gibson, 'What are you going to teach your Sons?'

Andrea Gibson-Blue Blanket

Today I Am Proud.

Today I am proud.....

Proud that I have a voice,

Proud that I spoke up,

Proud that I didn't give in,

Didn't listen,

Stopped punishing.

Today I am proud.

Proud to have belief in myself,

And others,

Proud to be living,

Breathing,

And loving.

Today I am proud.

Proud to be able to forgive myself,

And others, for no-one is perfect,

Least of all me.....

Proud that I am enough,

And I can just be,

Me,

Proud.

readership award.

I was recently given a Wonderful Team Member Readership Award from a fellow blogger, Purple Dreamer. PD :)  I met through a 'blogging for well being' challenge and has been a source of smiles, humour, great quotes and above all inspiration since we shared writing.
I now need to send this pic and award to other bloggers, answer questions, put pic on my side bar.....hang on, this is all a little bit technical for me so I will stick with the easy bit!!
 Purple Dreamer, Thank You. xxxx

1. Why do you blog?
I first started blogging for a combination of reasons. I was in the early stages of recovery from Anorexia and came across blogging on the film 'Julie & Julia' alongside reading a blog from a wonderful young Australian Lady in recovery who I still have virtual contact with to this day.
Originally it was a bit of fun, a way of logging my progress and putting down my thoughts. My blog has evolved along with me. It has grown with me. I had problems when recovered as what to do with it now??  What do I write about when I'm well.....thanks to the blogging challenges I have been given inspiration, a platform to hopefully give others hope and a voice.

2) If you were trapped on a desert island, what book, DVD, food, cartoon character, and childhood game would you bring?

Ooh, my favourite book would have to be 'How to be a woman,' by Caitlin Moran. Although I do prefer the audio version read by herself. I love the bit when she spills red wine on a cream carpet and shouts 'F**k very loudly. If you haven't read it, try it. Hilarious.
DVD would have to be 'Love Actually,' the marmite of Xmas movies. I want bye bye baby played at my funeral :) I would watch it whilst eating cheesy nachos and drinking toffee apple cider.
I would bring Mr Tickle with me and have great fun whilst playing with a hoola hoop. I was going to choose roller skates but they would seriously suck on sand!!!

3) Share a funny joke or one-liner.  

When I was a kid I used to pray for a new bike. I then realised the Lord didn't work that way so instead I stole one and asked for forgiveness.

4) What is your favourite thing about yourself?

If its a physical thing it would be my eyes. A personal attribute would be to try and see the good in everyone.

5) What one word best describes you?

Dizzy!!!

6) If you could have a lifetime supply of any candy/candy bar, what would it be?

Without a shadow of a doubt, Ferrero Rocher. They have to be eaten in a particular way, nibble the nuts, separate the wafer, lick the chocolate and savour the nut in the middle. Lush.

7) What fictional character do you relate to most? 

Ana from 50 shades of Grey ;) I wish.......


8) If you were to write the story of your life, what would you call it?

Tell me I can't, I will.