Friends with benefits.

I bet the title made you look.
Don't worry, I'm not talking about those sort of benefits.
Over the past 8 years I have friended or followed dozens of people within the eating disorders community.  The forums and groups were a safe place to go, not judging, always there and often gave helpful advice and reassurance. (Although I am writing this after being shot down for saying something on a group)

There was always a downside.  Depending on how entrenched I was in my eating disorder I would follow people for the wrong reasons.
I would look at photos of very thin girls, 'thinsperation' as it is known in the pro-Ana community.
I have never been pro-Ana but the pull towards those people was always strong.

Over the years I have learnt that these relationships are not always healthy.  I have always been open to others, made myself available online to those who need to talk but sometimes that needs to stop.
I often go through Facebook and have a friend cull. There's never any malice involved but If I find someones behaviours or attitude too triggering or negative I need to say goodbye.
If there is little benefit to the relationship then they need to go.  I'm sure at times people have done that to me and that's OK.  Its about what is right for you and what is beneficial.
I know I could just stop following but there is always the risk of taking a little peek. A risk I cannot take.

I now have a select number of friends from the ed community on social media, these are my friends with benefits.  Friends from all over the world, people I trust and many I am honoured to have met.
Let me tell you about a few of them...........

Jenn Friedman.
A lovely woman from Brooklyn, New York who I stumbled across in 2010 on an eating disorders recovery forum. She is an amazing writer, singer songwriter and pianist. 
Jenn was part of a blogging group which fuelled my passion for writing.  She and several others took part in a recovery blogging challenge where we were given daily prompts, and shared online.
It was amazing to hear others voices and totally changed my views on a possible recovery.
Her recent album and book she published are pride of place on my bookshelf.  She has the voice of an angel.
I was lucky to meet Jenn in 2016 on her first visit to the UK.  She was everything and more than I expected.  I took her to Glastonbury for the day and we laughed and laughed. I love her accent, the way she says bathroom, how she felt comfortable enough to rest her head on my shoulder on the long bus journey home.  I laughed at her misunderstanding when I said 'Mary Quant.' She is a joy to be around.  I'm sorry she left her cake in the shop but happy that I taught her how to swear in a northern accent.
Jen is now studying in London and we plan to meet next month in Bath.  I cant wait.

Kathryn

I have been chatting to Kathryn online since 2016.  We were both struggling with our eating disorder and at different stages of contemplation.  We were a good support for each other.

I smile when I think of the late night chats, the drunken facetimes and the deep conversations one Christmas day. I was honest with Kathryn and I think she respected that.  I even got away with calling her a knob.

I love the fact that Kathryn savours ever moment with her family, school holidays are full of good memories, she is a strong passionate woman who would do anything for her family.  I value Kathryn's input but she has yet to tell me why shes goes with the nickname of Bruce!

A few weeks ago I took the plunge and travelled to Liverpool to meet her.  A bit strange you may think. Meet a random person and stay at her house.  Isn't that something that my Mother warned me about?

Thankfully she wasn't an axe wielding murderer, just a very friendly, cocktail loving Scouser with a lovely family.

She was an amazing host and I was made to feel at ease as soon as I got to Liverpool.

We had so much in common, even down to her getting ready to go out playlist. I spent a great day with the children and an even better night out hitting the bright lights of Liverpool with K and her Hubby.

We laughed about the 'urban legend' who was a real person, Purple Ackey the bogeyman of Merseyside.  We sang along to the Greatest Showman and I was in awe of her banter with the taxi driver.............

Entertainment and alcohol aside, we clicked.  We had experienced similar things growing up and dealt with it in not so positive ways.  I was amazed at how relaxed I felt especially around food.  They were very accommodating and thoughtful. Her daughter even gave up her room for me, although I did end up with several soft toys and a little girl on the bed in the morning.

Thank you Kathryn and Dave for accepting me into your home.  You are a diamond.

Online friends can be beneficial.... but choose your friends wisely.  

To absent friends.

9 years ago tomorrow I lost my best friend.  In real terms I lost her the year before when our friendship broke down. I have deep regret that we never patched things up before she died but that was a choice I made, and one I have to live with.
I first met X when our children were at Nursery school together.
Our friendship started as a walk to the school, the occasional coffee and developed into something a lot stronger and at the end a very damaging toxic relationship.
We spent a lot of time together and for the majority of the time, things were good.
Our partners got on and we looked forward to Friday nights out, Carnival nights, fireworks, Birthdays and Boxing day celebrations.  We had fun, lots of it.
We shared stories of our pasts, both of us had skeletons and things we would rather forget.  At first it made our relationship stronger but by the end it just gave her further ammunition to hurt me.
I wasn't allowed to have any other friends and she would certainly let me know about it if I dared to speak to anyone whilst we were out.  She would blank me for weeks at a time and in hindsight I think her insecurities were ingrained from an early age.
I tried so hard to please her, to make her feel special but I ignored the warning signs.
I was scared of her.  Scared of her threats but also scared of being alone.
I pulled out all the stops for her 40th Birthday.  We went shopping, lunch out and I arranged a party inviting her family and found an old school friend who was a stripper as entertainment.  It was a joy to see her so happy.
On that day X told me what I was allowed and not allowed to wear at her celebration.

Her health started to deteriorate and she was diagnosed with a heart problem.
I sat in the recovery room with her partner after her operation. Took her in her favourite food and stayed with her for hours at a time.
After her recovery she started to turn her life around, adjusting her diet and stopping smoking.
I was proud of her.
At was at this time that Kev and I were planning our wedding. Best friends should be sharing in the joy and the planning but this wasn't to be.
I can only guess that she was either jealous or upset that we were marrying abroad and couldn't be part of it, despite my attempts to involve her.

In the April of that year was when things went drastically wrong.  It would be unfair of me to go through the details of the catalyst but what evolved was 12 months of abuse, lies, fear and the end of our friendship.
I was scared to go out.  She would come to the Pub I worked on an evening and tell customers lies about me, threaten to beat me up and even came to my house where I just sat and took her abuse.
My Hen Night and Wedding party was tainted with the underlying fear of her turning up and making a show.  Thankfully this didn't happen.

I was sceptical at first of my new evolving friendships as this toxic relationship was all I knew.
How could I trust others? What were their intentions?
I still struggle with this at times and have a great fear of what others may think of me. Certain songs trigger good and bad memories......

My friend continued to struggle with her health and after another heart operation sadly passed away on May 26th 2009.
She had tried to contact me prior to this and had left a message on my phone asking to meet somewhere neutral.  Her partner explained that she wanted to see me as she remembered how I had supported her the previous time.
I chose to ignore her call.  I regret this and wonder what would have changed if I had spoken to her.
I knew I did not want to rekindle the friendship as too much had been said.  There are certain things that can't be unsaid.
I heard about her death on social media, It hit me hard.  I was there for her family, helped with the arrangements as if nothing had changed.
I visited the chapel of rest to say goodbye. Went to her funeral, and drank fizzy wine with a friend to say goodbye to the end of a chapter and toast new beginnings.

I do not believe she was a bad person.  She had been dealt a very tough hand growing up and didn't know how to cope with it. She didn't deserve judgement she deserved help and understanding.
I wish I had given her more of that.

R.I.P you mixed up wonderful Woman. xxx

#alone

I have 429 friends on Facebook.

61 were work colleagues
40 I have known for over 20 years.
32 I have never met face to face.
28 don't live in the UK.
26 I went to school with.
17 are friends of friends.
18 I know through groups and forums.
13 are relatives.
12 were in hospital with me.
10 are old friends of Kevs
6 are ambassadors for Body Gossip.
5 I went to church with.

4 I met on holiday.

4 have passed away.
4 have been or are neighbours.

3 I have met at a support group.

2 were in Guides.
2 completed the D of E with me.
2 I speak to on a daily basis.
1 was my first kiss.

So why do I feel so alone?
I know my illness has affected a lot of my relationships, particularly the one with myself.
It has affected the way I feel, how I interact with others, how they interact with me.
Sometimes I feel so needy. I overthink everything. I'm unsure of what is safe to say so as not to hurt others.
My emotions can go up and down on an hourly basis, particularly with my therapy.
I am an unknown quantity. Sometimes the life and soul ,other times I don't want to interact and shut myself off.
I keep a diary of how I am feeling, what triggers certain thoughts and how I react to them.
It is hard.
I have amazing friends who I appreciate and love, so why do I feel I have nothing to offer?
Lack of daily social contact at work has shot my confidence down.
I find it difficult to socialise in large groups, I can talk over people as I struggle to know when its OK to interject.
I can get paranoid, anxious, talk too much .  Certain Music and situations can trigger flashbacks and take me right back to a place where I was scared and vulnerable.  I am working on this.


I am not lonely, I have a loving family and friends who I know support me.
 I am just alone in my head.


xx

Mental Health Awareness Week 2018 The past year.

Rydon

As the darkness descends, the noises begin

 Footsteps, the wails and the keys jangling.

 Mind numbing pills that alter your mood

Bad dreams and flashbacks, they still intrude.

Mountainous fences to hold madness in,

Pacing of corridors just to keep thin,

Queues at the hatch to get daily meds

Bells and alarms invading your head.

This is no hotel or holiday camp

The pillows aren't plumped but tear stained damp

There is no pass key to access the door

This is your safe place, until we say go.

As it is Mental Health Awareness week I thought it time I posted an update.

My therapy sessions are going well and yes ,Dom is still wearing the purple jumper on a Wednesday.  We have been working on compassion focused therapy which in a nutshell is showing compassion and kindness to yourself and challenging the negative and unwelcome thoughts. This is not something which comes easy to me and involves a lot of homework and self discovery.

So I want to look back on the past year and recognise the achievements I have made rather than focusing on what I haven't done.  Some of you may have kept up to date with my facebook posts but for those of you who haven't, this is my past year.

  Trigger warning............please do not read further if you may be affected by suicidal ideation or self harm.

May 15th I was in my psychiatrists office with my eating disorders nurse for what I thought was a normal appointment brought forward a few weeks. The previous month I had been in a very bad place despite  a glorious holiday and Birthday celebrations.

My disassociation had got worse; I would often find myself in places and not aware of how I got there.

I was not managing my depression or my food intake, was having scary memories and flashbacks and thoughts of suicide came thick and fast.  The rapid change from being ok, to feeling sad or numb was my norm

There is a difference between thinking of taking your own life and planning it.  My thoughts came at different times.  I could get up happy and quickly descend into darkness. When I was starting to get my affairs into order was the day everything changed....

My psychiatrist had arranged a bed for me at a local acute mental health hospital but wouldn't be available until later that day or the next day.

 It was time for the control to be taken away from me.  The threat of a section was hanging over me If I refused to be admitted.  My illness was consuming me and I still fought to hang onto it.

I was luckier than most. At least my admission was slightly preplanned so I had time to get some personal effects packed, some which were taken away from be on admission as they were deemed a risk to myself.

We travelled to Taunton in silence, it was very daunting and I was terrified.

When we arrived at the ward a nurse introduced herself and took away my bags to be checked.She then offered to show us around the ward.  By this point I was already breaking down so we went straight to my room.  It was basic and sparse,  all ligature points had been removed meaning there were no taps just sensors, no headboard, no toilet seat, all furniture was foam and plastic, it was a 'safe place.' 

Kev said it was the worse day ever leaving me there.  I am so sorry for all the pain I put him and my family and friends through and will always be thankful for their support.

I was lucky to receive many visitors during my stay.  I had mixed reviews on whether they thought it was the right place for me.  I too had similar thoughts.  I didn't feel I fitted in and certainly didn't feel ill enough or deserving of the staff support.  In hindsight I now believe it was the right place.  It served a purpose, helped me to adjust to my medication and kept me safe.

I won't go into great detail about my admission but there are many things that stood out.
I began to recognise staff my their footsteps in the corridor.  I would cry at the noises at night, conflict between patients, the sounds of keys and the girl opposite banging her head on the wall.

I kept myself to myself at first, waiting until everyone had finished before I went into the dining room or sitting on my bed with the door locked. The thought of having to eat with strangers or being watched was paralysing.
 The patients came and went,many came back.  I was thankful to meet a few ladies who I was on a level with and we spent many evenings chatting and watching TV in the female lounge.  I am happy to say that they are both doing well and we meet weekly for coffee.

Most of the staff were caring and supportive although we did have a staff nurse who I named Nurse Ratchett.  If you have ever seen one flew over the cuckoos nest you will understand.
The ward was not set up for patients with eating disorders and often my support was inconsistent with my care plan, and recommendations from my Nurse and Dietitian were not followed.  Nurses said they did not have the skills to help me and I will admit to using this to my advantage at times.
I had a real insight into how people I support may feel.  Especially when your movements are restricted.

Because of my low BMI my activity was restricted.  I tried using the activities room but often it was closed due to staff shortages so we were left to occupy ourselves.  The day I was allowed to use my headphones was definitely a highlight.
At first I was allowed out for a walk with the staff or my visitors but this was soon restricted as I was  deemed to be burning too many calories. My Psychiatrist thought I was cycling!  I was actually going out on the back of Kevs motorbike.  The thought of Kev cycling from Burnham to Taunton would be a site to behold.
One Nurse was always happy to take me out for my 15 minutes 'exercise' so she could have a crafty cigarette, others were not so keen.  It makes me smile when I think of the staff member who said she didn't like walking so was not keen on taking me out.  I soon got her lost and exceeded my exercise time.

We had weekly ward rounds which consisted of myself, a nurse, Dr and the psychiatrist discussing my progress, future plans and home leave.
For the first few weeks I was not allowed leave but this didn't stop me asking Kev to take me home one day with a promise I would return.
The feeling of being in normal surroundings, my sofa, using my toilet and own bath made me appreciate all I have.  It was difficult to return to a place where I was not allowed to be free.
The future plan was to wait for a bed at an eating disorders unit in Bristol.  Unfortunately beds are not readily available so after my discharge from Rydon I waited another 5 weeks to move to the specialist unit.  I will save that for another post.

Back to friends.  I am thankful for all the cards, letters, gifts, visits, messages and videos that got me through.  In such a dark place they brought light to my day.
There has always been a stigma around Mental Health units and I want to stress to anyone reading this, do not feel ashamed or judged.  No-one bats an eyelid if you are inpatient for a broken limb, a broken mind is no different.
My story continues.

2013..... My Best Bits

It's that time of year again when I trawl through the years photos, put them all together, find a suitable soundtrack and tag you all. Due to my lack of techie knowledge and severe dislike of Movie maker on windows 8 I shall be doing this year a little differently.

 When I look back on the past year I think it has been one of the better, well in the past 5 years anyway!!

I feel I have achieved so much on a personal level as well as physically.

I have made some good friends online, one I managed to meet up with in my hometown in the Summer, and have never felt closer to my Sisters and their Children.

The New Year began with the removal of the screws in my hip, something I was going into with slight trepidation and a bit of a 'what If it hasn't worked' mindset!! Well I had nothing to worry about as by March I had set myself up with a personal trainer and signed up for a walking marathon later in the year.

The training for the Marathon I originally dreaded, but as the weeks went on I looked forward to an evening of power-walking, especially combined with the beautiful Somerset sunsets.  I am blessed to live in such a picturesque part of the country, something which I probably took for granted in my younger years. 

February was a very special and emotional time for me.  Coinciding with Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I decided to publish a collection of blog pieces and poetry and donate the royalties to Somerset & Wessex Eating Disorders Association.  I am so grateful for all the support shown throughout this process, to Bee for doing endless hours of edited and to my friends for putting up with my constant 'going on' about it. 

So far the books has made over £100 for sweda. Not a huge amount I know (royalties are rubbish!!) but more importantly was the message being spread to others abut Eating Disorders.  I even managed a radio interview!!! 

A huge highlight of 2013 was being asked to be an Ambassador for Body Gossip.  This involves promoting the message of positive body image for everyone and has included being involved in their Flash-mob in London and also interviewing people for their body stories to be told in a stage-show at the South-bank.

Two people I interviewed were chosen for their stories to be told. I was gutted to not be able to see the show as was working, hopefully the show will get enough backing to promote it in 2014.  Throughout the interview weeks I heard so many unique, funny, sad and empowering stories, It was an unforgettable experience.

 My elder Sisters diagnosis and subsequent treatment for Cancer saw me travelling back and forth between Somerset and London most weekends during the Summer Months. I spent sunny days picnicking in the park, in the kitchen  making cake pops and evenings chatting, drinking wine and watching horror movies.

Thankfully after surgery and treatment my Sis is well again. It really shouldn't have taken something like that to contact each other!!

So a quick run down of my best bits of 2013, in no particular order.

• Publishing My Book.
• A radio interview on BBC radio Somerset.
• Meeting my friend Heather from America after 31 years.
• Body Gossip Flashmob.
• Meeting the Shoreditch Sisters W.I and interviewing them.
• Walking 26.2 miles for Cancer Research at night and meeting some wonderful and inspirational people.
• Doing a 5k run in Bristol and being showered in powered paints.
• Going to a cupcake decorating workshop ( sad I know)

Photos Of The Best Bits

So what does 2014 hold for me? No idea, but what I do know is there will be NO New Year new Me.  I will be the same person but taking on different challenges.  Starting January 1st I have set myself a blog post a day challenge.....  think I can manage it?  I hope so. 

See you on the other side.   Happy new Year xxxx

No mean feat

Well I actually did it. After several months of training I finished my first walking Marathon in 7.5 hours.

When I initially registered for the walk I did it for a personal challenge as well as sponsorship for Cancer research. 18 months on from having a major hip operation I was determined to push myself to do something I previously couldn't have contemplated. 

The training schedule was not too bad but trying to fit in in with working full time and life in general was tough.......but not as tough as spending weeks or months having  treatment and suffering drug side effects.

When the day came I caught the coach to London, armed with a bum-bag full of plasters, glucose tablets, flapjacks and loo roll!!!  Victoria station was filling with people from all regions (and countries) wearing the recognisable purple Shine T-Shirts with optional coloured wigs, leg warmers, tutus and neon makeup; and that was just the men!!

A short train journey away and I was at Battersea power station, along with 16'000 other shiners and I was petrified.

The atmosphere was beginning to hot up, the stage was lit and we were entertained by belly dancers and the London Rock Choir. The electric atmosphere was inter mingled with moments of quiet, reflection and tears as the big screen showed us testimonials of cancer survivors. It was difficult not to be moved.........

 The Shiners started walking at around 8.15pm and as a 'strider' I started making my way towards the start around half an hour later. It was bottle neck for a while but after the initial stop start myself and several thousand others, were on our way around the 26 mile route, and London began to be lit up with a sea of glow sticks, fairy lights and flashing bunny ears. Me, I took the safe option and dressed for comfort.

At first the weather was kind to us but throughout the course of the evening it rained several times, and no sooner had we dried off it started again!!! Trust me, rain, dyed red hair and glasses is not a good combination.  The organisers had pit stops every 7 miles where we could grab a pee, water and snacks.
but after queueing at a portaloo for half an hour I decided that would be my last toilet visit' even though I was finding it difficult to keep my wind to myself!
As a 'lone' walker I was nervous, but plucked up the courage to chat to a fellow walker. She was called Lyndsey and had come over from Holland. This was her second walk and soon she was setting the pace and telling me about why the cause was so important to her and her family........this woman was my motivation throughout and I was so thankful for her support and spurring me on when I was tired. The Dutch sense of humour is rather funny and I admired her bluntness!
The route was amazing,passing many London landmarks some which were even more beautiful in the moonlight.

The atmosphere in the crowd and in the city was just something else. All of us were there for the same reason, it wasn't a race it was a group of people united in telling Cancer where to get off.  Revellers coming from pubs and clubs were cheering us on and clapping. The Marshall's who I swear must have sore hands from all the high fives were giving us that boost we needed at each corner and junction.

Despite all my training this challenge was tougher than I expected. The first 10 miles were a breeze, but after that the tiredness kicked in. After 15 my thoughts were turning to bed whilst my legs were turning to lead. My regular check ins on facebook came back with messages of luck and they added a bit my fuel to my furnace. The worst was around the 20 mile mark. 20 miles was something I had managed at home, but after a good nights sleep and in day light!! trust me night walking is a different ball game. The final miles seemed to take forever, which each step getting heavier and heavier. Lyndsey told me a story of her walk last year, where her brother was in front with a photo of their Mum on his back....this was all the motivation she needed.

I thought of my Sister, I thought of the Lady on the start line who was walking on crutches, the lady being supported by her Husband who was using a stick, the elderly couple who were walking at a snails pace...and I kept going. As Lyndsey said, the pain and discomfort we were going through at that time was nothing compared to the pain a cancer sufferer is going through, and she was right.

Stepping over that finishing line was a wonderful feeling, and a massive personal achievement, and I've never been so grateful to take my trainers off and have a hot cup of coffee.

To all those who supported me a huge thank you.

And those who thought walking a Marathon was no big deal......put your money where your mouth is and you do it next year :)

To Whom It May Concern

I was a little unsure of how to approach this subject without sounding ungrateful, so I will go with what I usually do and say it from the Heart.

I know that I have hurt my friends and family in the past, and I can never take that back......but that was not the real me. That was my eating disorder, and that has been and gone. 

I have never felt more positive about myself. Yes, I do have off days where I feel old, don't like how I'm looking but the difference is those odd times don't turn into months. They do not control me or define me. I do not restrict my diet or obsess over calories or my weight. I still have no need to know the number on the scale.

The past few years have taken such a toll on my body, my shape has changed dramatically due to surgery, my weight never really got back to 'normal' my muscle tone has disappeared and I want to change this.

I have thought about this a lot and at first I felt like a hypocrite  Was starting a training regime going against all I stand for? Was I letting the people down that I try to support? Was I back on the road downhill?

When It came down to it I could honestly say no to all of these questions.

My Anorexia was never about my weight, it was about my control. You need to understand that in order to understand what I am doing is a life change, a change for the better. A fitter healthier me.

I am also a bit of a lazy bugger, so a personal trainer is my motivation. I also have a goal to reach, I want to run a marathon and raise money for Sweda. 

I do understand why you worry, and I love you all for that. I have reached a place in my life where I am happy, I am at peace with myself, and within that place you will still find chocolate, takeaways, cider and moments of being a couch potato :) Thank you for being there for me.

Thank you.xx

For your support, belief and encouragement I thank you.

For putting up with my hyperactivity, constant ramblings and face-book postings I thank you.

For your honesty, critique and feedback I thank you.

For being there, and staying.......

I will never forget.

All of you......

Tell it from the heart

This week has been a mix of emotions. My book was self published last week after what seemed like forever sending back copies between myself and a friend, changing things, altering layouts.....adding, taking way. Eventually we had the finished result.

Making the front cover was fun!  I spent hours decorating cakes then laying them on my kitchen floor, standing on a chair attempting to take a photo ariel view. It was then pointed out that I hadn't taken the date setting off my camera..Doh!!!!    

The day I uploaded it was pretty scary. Bearing your soul to whoever pays to read it is at the touch of a button....and there it is, my life, in poetry, on sale on Amazon at £4.96

I'm not scared, I'm not ashamed, I'm proud of who I am and what I have achieved and so I should be!

What scares me is my reaction to others who are suffering...I hurt so much.  I try and support others in forums etc but the pain at times can be so intense. I want to just hold their hand and take them to a safe place, but I know that's not possible. My husband has questioned the time I spend online and attending the support group but I feel I need to give something back to the people who helped me.  Why am I affected by people I don't know, people I have never met? I feel almost drawn, a compulsion to let them know things can be different, things can change, you can be free....

I could, If I wanted to, put this all behind me. Never mention my anorexia again, withdraw from support groups, detach myself from all I know who are connected to eating disorders...but I also know that a part of me holds a few special people close to my heart, if they weren't around I maybe wouldn't be here today.  To disconnect from this would be saying I don't care, and that's not me. I care greatly, and If that means feeling your pain and crying your tears to hep you on your way then that is what I shall do..... xxxxx

The wonderful things about Bee.

The Wonderful Things About Bee

B is for beautiful, inside and out,

A cliche maybe, but its true without a doubt.
B is for blessed, how I feel to have her as a friend,
Her humour and wit I would highly recommend.
B is for beaming, her smile and her grin,
No wonder she takes her milk with gin!
B is for bouncy, bubbly and bright,
Brainy and brilliant in her own right.
B is for bodacious and worth admiration,
She's one of a kind, unique no imitation.

New Years Eve 2012. Happy New Year

Happy new Year

Its been an interesting year to say the least!!  One major operation and on crutches for what seemed like an eternity. Dignity going out of the window and having to accept help from friends with bathing (blush) and several month off work.

What this experience did teach me was not to take your body for granted.  It needs to be taken care of, nourished and loved both physically and emotionally.

It was during my time off work that I began the Hungry for change blogging challenge and really started my love for writing, especially poetry.   The topics we wrote about were thought provoking and at times emotional.  Sharing experiences was so empowering and for once I found myself not triggered or upset by sharing, but motivated.  I no longer felt shame or embarrassment over what I may write, I can put myself out there along with everyone and be proud of my achievements.

I may not be the best writer, but I love what I do and I do it in the hope that someone may read it and think, yes, there is a way out, I can beat this.

So now to bore you all with a compilation of my year in photos. Happy new year, here's to a healthy 2013.

Advent Calendar. Day 21. Friendship.

"Friends are the family we choose for. ourselves."

~ Author Unknown ~

Friendship

Not having to say anything, they just 'know.'

Being able to call at whatever time  knowing someone will answer.

Laughing at your jokes, however unfunny they may be.

Not reminding you of your mistakes.

Never saying, 'I told you so.'

Believing in you when you don't believe in yourself.

Celebrating milestones.

Smiling, remembering and cringing when looking at old photos.

Listening and just being.

Holding On

Holding on

Sinking deeper, losing air, dragged down.

Pressure, tight against my chest,

Trapped, enclosed, no way of escaping.

You are there,

When I reach the pit, the depth of despair,

You are there,

When I achieve my goal,

You are there when I feel small,

Waiting for the fall, the trip up, the relapse.

You lift me up with your actions,

you inspire me with your words,

You believe,

You trust,

You love.....

In me,

For me,

With me,

Holding on to your words,

Your actions,

Your faith in me.....

Thank you.

Support

Don't dwell on what was, or the pain you have felt,

look to the future, you control the cards you have been dealt,

live in the now, there's a life for you to live,

you are strong, you're a fighter, with so much to give.

Hold out your hand, I will catch you if you fall,

Together we can take down the barriers of your wall,

believe in yourself, and what you can do,

Those people that love you will believe in you too.

Jackie 2012

For My Friends :)

Friends

As we talk through the night,

Of our trials and tribulations,

No other can blight,

Our steadfast foundations.

Built on compassion,love and trust

We share a common ground,

 Friends, strong and robust, 

All sounder than a pound.

I trust you with my thoughts,

My secrets and my fears,

As we down jaegar shots,

Your laughter's  music to my ears.

Forever in my heart,

Our memories in my head,

I promise I wont fart,

If we ever share a bed!!

oops, that last bit made me chuckle :)

Jackie

Word Of The Day. day 30 Community

I never thought I would attribute the fact that I had suffered from an eating disorder with something positive but this is it....Community.
I wouldn't have had the pleasure of 'meeting' such a positive group of like minded people whilst contributing to the 'bloggers challenge.'  I have learned so much about myself, I have had happy days and very emotional days.  I have grown so much in my emotional self over the past few months and have seen a part of me I am being to like.
I have been excited with each days new topic for writing, and have set aside a time to do this .
So thank you to Tracey, Arielle, Lindy B,Kylie-Rose,Jenn, Purple Dreamer, Sia-Jane,Jennifer, Kaz, Angela,Anne-Sophie and everyone else who have taken part. I admire you all for your braveness, honesty and inspiration.  Thank you xxx

Octopus, Earthquakes and Chicken Slouvaki. Greek Style

Pefkos 2012

I love the Greek Islands, and my first visit to Pefkos, Rhodes was with my Husband in the late summer of 2010.  Although it was an amazing holiday it was slightly tainted with personal issues.  I was at my lowest weight during this episode of Anorexia, at one point Kev wanted to cancel as the possibility of me being ill whilst away was so high.  I did manage to persuade him that this was what we needed and ultimately it was a break that we needed together.  The stress I felt whilst away was at times overwhelming.  The huge choices in restaurants, waiters pouring olive oil on your barely there salad and the dreaded lack of clothing in the heat!!  But I did it and I loved it.

So again this year, whilst recovering from a hip operation I made the decision to go back to Pefkos and enjoy it as much as I could with the assistance of a crutch!!

Un be known to myself our very good friends Deb and Glyn had also thought of Pefkos and we ended up sharing transport to the airport, was on the same flight, same resort and shared many cocktail laden late nights/early mornings.

So on the evening of June 6th we set off for Bristol airport after struggling to pack exactly what I wanted into just 15kilos luggage allowance.  Can you believe I could only take 3 pairs of shoes!!!

Our flight was at 9pm so we settled into the bar area until boarding.  Two pints of Guinness and several Valium later I was settled on the plane, dribbling on Hubby and well on my way to hollibobs.

View from the Plane, I actually sat next to the window.

After a 4 hour flight, some pretty dire aircraft food and a lovely purchase of duty free Angel perfume (had to be done)  we landed at Rhodes airport at 3.05am feeling like a hot hairdryer was being blasted on us.

I then had a well earned rest sat down in the airport and left Hubby to play catch the suitcase on the airport conveyor belt. With loading, transfers etc we arrived at our apartment around 5.30am, unpacked and hit the bed and was out like a shot.  Now I wont bore you with the whole week, and I don't have many photos as the holiday revolved around food and drink.  Despite being pretty mobile now the uneven terrain and hot weather made travelling any huge distance for myself quite difficult.  I was happy walking from room to sunbed, to bar, to restaurant to bed. Instead I will give you a short summary of the highlights, lowlights and very weird dreams............

Earthquake

Its Sunday 10th June and were sat at a lovely beach bar overlooking the sea, drinking cold Mythos lager and eating Greek salad.  The bar is full of people taking in the view, staff busying themselves with orders and then it happens!!  The ground starts to shake.

Now I have felt the earth move before, on my wedding night in kefalonia 2008 (No joke!) but this felt a lot different.  As i felt my chair shake and looked across at Kev, a Greek waitress ran out of the bar and you could feel and hear the tension as customers just looked around at each other not quite knowing what to do. As quick as it started it was over......

As I regained my composure and stopped swearing I looked across the Island to see smoke bellowing up into the air.  This was also attracting the attention of the waiting staff who were pointing and speculating.

Thankfully this was a small forest fire common in Greece and not the result of the earthquake.

view from the Lee beach bar

Smoke from the forest fire.

Earthquake overview :  A very strong dangerous earthquake occurred on June 10 at 15:44 local time along the Turkey and Greece Coast and scared hundred thousands of people in tourist destinations like Dalaman, Oludeniz and Fethiye. the earthquake was also well felt in many of the Greek Islands.

Flyers cafe Bar

Flyers was another small and friendly cafe bar with the added interest of a small microlite plane.  The owner had his own landing strip next to the bar and did low cost trips around the Island.  Luckily I didn't know this at the time as i would have jumped at the chance...Not!!!!

On our first visit to Flyers I was feeling a little under the weather.  A combination of late nights, too much sun, not enough water, too much alcohol and a stomach bug had taken its tole.  I attempted to eat what I had ordered but embarrassingly left all of it.  the wonderful owner Nicos thankfully was not offended, offered to make me something else and gave me melon to 'aid my recovery.'  A few days later he remembered me and asked If i was better.  This time I ate my lunch!

Food

I have a great liking for Greek food with the combination of flavours, colours and textures.  Eating out in Greece is so different to British culture. The Greeks adopt the 'siga siga' slowly slowly approach where as us Brits give you a two hour slot, pile you in and chuck you out!!!

There were plenty of places to eat within Pefkos but we had our old favourites we always went back to.

One of the biggest problems with Greek food is there is no standard portion size so we often over ordered, and most main meals came with both chips and rice!! We soon learned to ask for one or the other.

Spitaki

Photo taken at Spitaki 2010

This is a beautiful restaurant that we favoured many times on our first visit to Pefkos and is in fact the same place where I had my salad drowned in oil. e went to Spitaki on the first night of our holiday very late, after 11pm due to meeting up with Deb and Glyn and having a few too many pre dinner cocktails.  The staff welcomed us and despite already closing the grill allowed us to choose from the menu.  I got to try the courgette fritters again and actually enjoy them :)

http://spitakirestaurant.com/

Swordfish Steak in Dama Dama Restaurant

Kyma Beach restaurant

This so far has to be the best place I have eaten (my cooking included) so far.  It is situated on the beach front above the Lee Beach bar and at night has the most amazing views out to the sea. Unfortunately I misjudged the time I made the reservation and we missed the sunset, but the company, food and drink was compensation enough.

Champagne cocktails

I am happy honest

Feta Parcels with fig chutney and grape molasses

Chicken Slouvaki in a citrus sauce

White chocolate mousse in a caramel basket

Mille fieulle with raspberry sauce

Yum Yum


Friends

When we arrived at Pefkos we hadn't made fixed arrangements of when we would meet up with our friends. We would keep our phones on and see how it went.  The first evening was when we 'bumped' into each other and what followed was a week of going to bed at stupid O'Clock often not leaving the bars until gone 3.30am!!  We each spent the day with our partners, met up for dinner 3 evenings in the week and cocktails late in the evening with our friends.  We favoured Fuse bar, initially as it had free wifi but ultimately due to the friendliness and good humour of Kyriakos, affectionately known as Jack and his Brother Costa.  Jack was married to an English Woman from Coventry and had 2 beautiful children. Jack spoke with love about his Family, his life, his business. He was a pleasure to spend time with.

Throughout the holiday I had a bit of a dodgy tummy!! In fact I think I spent the majority of my holiday in the toilet. I was constantly being told to drink more water by Kev, Deb and Glyn and Jack at Fuse bar.

One evening we took a walk a little further into town before dinner to a garden bar called eclipse.  We sat down, ordered a beer and took in the atmosphere.  The waitress then came over, gave me a bottle of water and said, 'I have been told you need to drink this!!!'  I was baffled, thinking that jack was somewhere in the bar.  How blind was I!!  I hadn't even noticed Glyn sat across from us who was now giggling and trying to hide behind a plant!! 

Dreams

I have the weirdest of dreams at the best of times but none as weird as these two.

I go to the bathroom (again) to find the floor flooded, and the toilet cistern is hanging off the wall.  When I go outside to inform reception what I see before me is just a dark abyss, a hole with all the apartments fallen into it from the earthquake!!!

Another evening I dream I'm again on the toilet and I s@@t out an octopus!!!!!! Horrified i obviously feel the need to show Hubby who takes me to the Dr. A blood test reveals I have a parasite living inside me which has caused my stomach bug and has come out in the form of an Octopus. Weird!!!

Regardless of the tummy upset, strange dreams and mobility issues I had a brilliant holiday.  How wonderful to eat what I want and when I want. How amazing to lay in a bikini and not care.  Here's to August when I get to do it all again in Spain.  Yammas......