I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks. My therapy has triggered lots of memories, most I wish I could forget but instead of pushing them aside, I am dealing with the emotions that run alongside them. My brain is constantly on high alert; fight or flight mode and it takes a great deal of strength to recognise and accept what has happened and learn to live with this.
Some situations I can put on the back burner and give no space too, others are a bit more difficult.
Two years ago I would say I was at crisis point without realising. It was my best friends 50th Birthday, a day that should have been one to remember for all the right reasons, but I tainted it...or rather my illness tainted it.
It started as a wonderful evening, a surprise party with family and friends together but ended on my part a total mess.
I was not in a good place but didn't realise how ill I was. Those around me did, but I wasn't hearing them.
An innocent comment at the end of the evening sent me into meltdown.
One minute I was in our local pub, the next I was sat on the beach several miles away. I was cold, frightened, alone and wasn't sure how I actually got there.
There are large gaps in that evening and to this day I have no idea what I was doing.
When the Police picked me I had no idea why? When I was taken home I couldn't understand why my house was full of people who had been looking for me for hours.
The next day I was persuaded to go to A & E by friends in what I could only describe as an intervention. One of those friends has always separated my actions from myself as a person and reminds me that it was my illness at fault. This helps to put things into perspective.
It is only now when I am actively recovering that I feel the hurt my illness put people through. That makes me sad and angry that I let it get that bad. This post is for those people.....
An Open Letter To Those I Hurt
I am sorry,
To my Husband who would check on me at night to make sure I was still breathing. I am sorry for the times my illness lied to you. I am sorry that I put my eating disorder before our relationship.
I am sorry that I made you sad, scared you and put you under immense pressure.
I am sorry that I couldn't be honest with you about what was going on, even though I knew that you knew.
To my Sister. I am sorry for not opening up to you. I am sorry that I made you worry when you had enough going on in your life. I am sorry that you thought you were losing me.I am sorry for not being the Sister I needed to be.
To my Son. I am sorry that I worried you and didn't put you first. I am sorry that I wasn't around when you moved house, I have missed so many milestones with you and for that I am sorry.
I am sorry that seeing me caused you so much upset and I wasn't the best Mother I could have been.
To D and G. I am sorry for not being truthful about how bad I was feeling. I am sorry for the missed social events, the tears, the tantrums for not being the best friend I could. I am sorry for the drunken emotional times, for being self centred and self absorbed.
I am sorry that you needed to constantly check up on me when I was at my lowest.
To J. I am sorry for scaring you and for causing you distress.
I am sorry for changing our relationship to how it is now. I am sorry for the nights i just cried and cried with no thought to how you were feeling.
To my friends. I am sorry for my lame excuses, for causing you pain and worry. I am sorry for the mood swings, the constant need for validation and my neediness.
I am sorry but I am also very, very thankful for all of you. x