So tomorrow is my talk for EDAW and I am not ashamed to say.... I am terrified!!
Public speaking is not something I am very good at. I tend to talk too fast, mumble, get my words muddles up and my mouth gets so dry I just can't get the words out.
I practised at a friends last night and by the time I'd finished, my breathing felt like I had just sprinted a mile!!
Some of the speech I had prepared was taken from this blog and reading it aloud made it all real again. It was difficult to disguise the breaking of my voice as I held the tears back.
I shall be addressing a Womens Institute group from the Somerset village of Cheddar. They are a traditional 'Jam and Jerusalem' W.I, in total comparison to the
Shoreditch Sisters who I interviewed for
Body Gossip last Summer. I do hope they take it easy on me.
So here it is. My talk in full. For those of you who have followed my blog for a while, or bought my book you may recognise parts of it. Wish me luck and I would appreciate any comments.....
Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2014
SWEDA
stands for Somerset & Wessex Eating Disorders Association and
they are a small charity based in Somerset. Unfortunately for anyone
living in rural Somerset this is in fact one of only two eating
disorders support group in the area, and that area is big!!! I have
been attending SWEDA on and off for about the past 15 or so years and
they have been a crucial part in my recovery. SWEDA isn't just a
support group, they educate schools and local GP surgeries, and they
have telephone, email and computer helplines as well as offering low
cost counselling to sufferers,and retreat days. They are a necessity
to sufferers and carers in my local community and beyond.
But
why does SWEDA work? It worked for me to be with people who knew
what I was feeling, how I was hurting and who didn’t judge. You had
hope when people were obviously getting better. It is also important
for carers to have an ear to listen. Eating disorders not only
affect the person, but also those close to them.
Another
reason why an organisation like this is needed is because the NHS
referral system sucks big time!! Often you cannot get referred on
straight away if your BMI is not at a certain level, therefore
waiting for months, and not everyone can afford to go private.
SWEDA
is needed because ultimately eating disorders kill. People die. They
have the highest fatality rate of any mental illness.
Shocking
isn't it?
So,
when you hear the term ‘eating disorder’, what do you imagine?
Do
you have a picture in your head of a young skinny girl, severely
emaciated or an overweight person who can't pass the fridge without
eating the contents. I asked my Husband the same question and he
could only give me the example of an underweight person; and that is
after living with me for 15 years!
During
Eating Disorders Awareness Week I would like to share my story of
what It is like to live with an eating Disorder and recover, and also
to dispel some of the common myths surrounding the illness.
So
what is an eating disorder? The medical definition is
“any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by
abnormal or disturbed eating habits.”
For
the majority of people eating is second nature. The most you have to
think about is what you are going to cook for tea tomorrow. The
physical act of eating is not a challenge, is not something that
fills you with fear or keeps you at awake at night.
So
let me ask you something?
When
you have that custard cream with your coffee are you terrified of
losing control and eating until you are physically sick?
Do
you punish yourself to get rid of the calories by pounding the
streets at night or exercising in secret where no-one can see you?
Do
you spend your day counting calories, restricting your food and feel
bad, guilty or worthless if you don't get it quite right?
This
is how I and others with an eating disorder felt on a daily basis.
So
what types of Eating Disorders are there?
The
most commonly known is Anorexia Nervosa. Anorexia is an illness which
stems from low self-esteem and an inability to cope safely with
worries and problems. Sufferers of Anorexia have an intense fear of
gaining weight so severely restricting their calorie intake. They
may also exercise excessively and abuse diuretics, slimming pills or
laxatives. People with Anorexia generally have a low body weight.
Bulimia
Nervosa: Bulimia is also a disorder linked with self esteem,
emotional problems and stress. You may constantly think about
calories, dieting and ways of getting rid of the food you have eaten.
Bulimia is actually more common than anorexia, but is more of a
hidden illness, because people with bulimia usually remain an average
or just over average body weight. Bulimia can go unnoticed for a long
time.
Binge
Eating Disorder:
sufferers
find themselves unable to control intense compulsions to binge eat in
a manner very similar to Bulimia Nervosa, but unlike Bulimia do not
try to get rid of the food. Consequently people with Binge Eating
Disorder tend to have higher body weights than those with Bulimia
Nervosa. Many people with Binge Eating Disorder also describe fears
around body weight and consequently can be highly distressed (and
depressed) by their constant struggles with eating and weight gain.
Eating
disorders are very complex which means that there can be variations
in the typical signs and symptoms. When someone has some or not all
of the signs for anorexia or bulimia, they may be classed as having
eating disorder not otherwise specified. Regardless of the physical
symptoms Eating disorders all have one thing in common, the emotions
and feelings that are underlying.
So
now we know what Eating Disorders are...lets look at what they are
not!
Eating
Disorders are not a phase.
Eating
Disorders are not a life choice.
Eating
Disorders are not attention seeking.
Eating
Disorders are not just about food.
Eating
Disorders are not caused by the media.
Eating
Disorders do not just affect Girls.
Eating
Disorders are not a life sentence...recovery is possible
Current
research shows that 1.6 million people in the UK are affected by an
eating disorder, of which around 11% are male.
Of
these 10% of sufferers have Anorexia.
40%
have Bulimia. 50% fall into the the category of EDNOS of which binge
eating disorder is included.
One
in five of the most seriously affected will die prematurely.
but.......
EATING
DISORDERS ARE TREATABLE AND YOU CAN RECOVER.
I
was one of the 10% with Anorexia and a survivor.
As
long as I can remember, even as a child I have never been heavy. I
was what you may class as naturally slim. As a teenager I even
attempted to buy 'weight on,' tablets in an effort to gain a few
pounds, so my preoccupation with food and weight loss later in life
was a surprise to most.
I was born on march 17th 1967 in
Middlesbrough in the North east of England. My parents were North
East born and bred, both came from typical working class backgrounds
and had typical Northern values.
I arrived several weeks early
with a weight of just over 3 pounds!! having to stay in hospital for
many months until I had reached my healthy weight. This was not the
only time in my life this was to happen!!!
Fast
forward now to several years later, I'm 11 years old and in secondary
school. The next 5 years were to be some of the worst days of my
life.
I
was a very nervous and quiet child which to some made me a pushover
and an easy target for the bullies.
I
was small for my age, skinny and lanky, national health glasses and
an extremely unflattering uniform. What little self confidence and
self esteem I had was soon to be bashed and taunted out of me. I
couldn't escape when passing the school gates either, I was taunted
by kids I didn't even know. I didn't feel able to confide in anyone
and although I loved my parents dearly parenting does not come with a
manual and most of us learn from experience.....
I
reached puberty late in life and whilst those around me were
blossoming and trading in their vests for ladybird bras I was lagging
behind and this didn't go unnoticed!
Our
school P.E department had those horrible communal showers and we had
an evil teacher who would insist that we all showered together after
games. This was embarrassing enough but even more so when you had a
chest as flat as an ironing board. One day whilst showering a group
of girls turned the water temperature up full making sure I had to
run out. They had of course hidden my towel and my clothes and left
me standing there naked, in tears whilst they all pointed and
laughed. This was one of many incidents too many and hurtful to
mention.
I
didn't have a huge amount of friends at school, just a few who knew
me in class but didn't know the real me. It was many years before I
would let anyone know that person.
I
was generally a good kid. Didn't smoke, didn't drink, helped with the
jobs at home, had a paper-round, went to Girl Guides, Sunday School,
church and did my Duke Of Edinburgh award but still there was
something missing inside me. I tried to find it within the church, I
became a Christian, read my bible daily, went to fellowship groups
and tried to be 'good,'. I did make some good friends during this
time, real friends but ultimately when I started college a few years
later this was just something else to add to my long list of things
to tease me about.
At
the age of 18, only a month after leaving college I moved 300 miles
away on my own with a suitcase, a tape player and ten pounds in my
purse. I had managed to get a job in a little Somerset village with
live in accommodation. My new life had begun, or so I thought.
The
people I worked with were really friendly although most a lot older
than me, the job was good but extremely unsociable. We all worked
long hours then spent most evening together in the local pub.
Drinking
alcohol was not something I was used to and very soon I had started
on the hard stuff. I was still very lonely, a long way from home and
the only spirit I was receiving was in a bottle of Gin!!
At
the age of 18 I had never had a boyfriend, not for the want of
trying!! One evening I had a friend over for dinner, a male friend
who was several years older than me. We drank some and without going
into detail he pushed the friendship a little too far.! I was made to
feel it was my fault, it was a situation which made future attempts
at relationships difficult.
I
made two very good friends in my first few years in Somerset, one
which had a huge impact on my life and things which had happened. I
even bought a house with them and went on what was to be be the first
of many foreign holidays. We would sit and share stories of our
lives, where we were brought up, things that had happened. It was
during one of these evenings that I had a realisation, a realisation
that made me question certain aspects of my life. With these
questions came sadness, more alcohol and a gradual downward spiral in
my life.
I
would take the long coach trip home several times a year and it was
on one of these trips that I had a comment from my Gran.. Have you
put on weight? You're looking a little chubby.
It
was on the same trip back that the sandwiches cut into little
triangles that Mum had made went into the bin when I arrived back.
Now
I'm not blaming dear old gran for my eating disorder, that throw away
comment possibly triggered something brewing anyway. I was already
feeling pretty low, hated the way I looked, I saw myself as ugly and
never dreamed that anyone could love me how I was. My life was pretty
rubbish and I was going to make it better..or so I thought.
The
next period of my life is a bit of a whirlwind involving starvation,
bulimia, alcohol, exercise, and laxatives. I have no idea how long it
went on for but it ended with a diagnosis of Anorexia and a stay in a
psychiatric hospital. I will never forget the day that my friends
drove me to the beautiful village of Wells. I had agreed to go in as
a voluntary patient to try and make me well again. To be honest at
that point I was so physically weak I would have agreed to anything.
It
was a stereotypical Victorian 'asylum' building, a huge, haunting but
beautiful piece of architecture set in the most amazing grounds and
gardens. I was on an open ward in a side wing with patients who were
less vulnerable. I can remember being checked in, my bags being
searched for any prohibited items then having a full physical
examination. At the point any dignity I had, had just left the
building never to return again.
The
hospital had very strict rules. I was not allowed to exercise, could
not do any occupational activities or see the therapist until my
weight had reached an acceptable level!! I was to eat three meals a
day plus snacks, which was ridiculous considering I didn't eat. I was
given a certain amount of trust until a fellow patient used to swop
plates with me and leave me with an empty plate. Good old George.
After getting caught I then had a Nurse chaperon and poor George got
a ticking off.
Mendip
hospital was a depressing place to be. I shared a room with 5 other
women, some who would wail in the night and scream before they were
due to go off for their electric shock treatment, You couldn't bathe
after 8pm as there was insufficient staff if you killed yourself in
the bathroom and the washbasins were all communal. Hideous. I would
relieve the boredom by going to the pub for the evening with friends
then finding the front door of the hospital locked on my return. The
night staff were not impressed when I had to ring the bell to get
back in.
The
consistency of care was dreadful. I would be weighed every other day,
at different times in different times!! I would even pop into town to
the chemists to pick up 'supplies' without being found out. Generally
though, I was a good girl, I did what I was told...eventually, and
discharged myself before I got to my target weight and buggered off
to Holland on a camping holiday.
I
met my first Husband shortly after leaving hospital and we hit it off
straight away. The first few years were amazing. We went to concerts,
theatre, ballet, meals out the works. He was the first man I met who
really loved me and honestly didn't care about all the superficial
stuff. Despite people thinking we were an odd couple I thought we
were a match made in heaven. Things move pretty quickly, we got
married, had an amazing wedding and at the age of 24 we had our first
and only child. 6 years later we had separated.
I
still feel sad that things didn't work out as I see it a a failure
but we are both happy now. I was a complete cow for a lot of our
married life and I think that's due to me not accepting myself and
not liking myself. I was very insecure.
It
was a very hard split ultimately due to the fact that a child was
involved. This saw my eating disorder again rearing its ugly head,
trying to give me some control and order in my life and numbing the
painful feelings. This was also the first time my new Partner and now
Husband had any dealings with 'it.' This time though I had become
more devious and more secretive. This was something I was good at. It
was a lot of pressure on him as I had lost a lot of friends through
my separation and also through a change in job. I'm surprised he has
stuck around for so long and is still with me now.
Its
weird how each period of past disordered eating remains fuzzy to me
now, chaotic and madness.
I
managed a 10 year clear of disordered behaviour. I have probably had
the same body image issues that most people out there have, my
stomachs too big, my thighs are wobbly blah blah blah.I would have a
few hiccups where I become obsessive over calorie counting,
restricting food but would generally snap out of it.
The
last, and probably the worst period of my illness crept up quickly. I
was referred to the gym due to problems with my hips and muscle
strength. At the same time I had booked a holiday and was worrying
about a bikini body, along with this I was struggling with
insecurities over a friendship...all combined a sure disaster and a
full blown eating disorder.
For
the next 10 months my life was a nightmare of depression, self
loathing, panic, hatred, fear and anxiety. My life involved around
food. I would lie, take to my bed pretending to be ill, say Id eaten,
throw food out, binge, vomit, drink too much,overspend on cookery
mags, trawl through pro anorexia websites. My face would be puffy
from crying and vomiting, I had toothache, sores on my knuckles, hair
on my face, it hurt to lie down, I was constantly dizzy, couldn't
sleep,freezing cold, joints hurt, stomach swollen, throat hurts,
headache, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, passing out, osteoporosis.
All
this I thought would make me happy, would make me feel good about
myself, would make others like me.........it wasn't about being thin.
Yes, I would look at myself and want to be thinner, but it was the
achievement, the sense of control over your life,the ability to numb
the feelings and emotions and not accept what was happening,just one
more pound, then another, then another.
The
more I got deeper into it the harder it was to get out. I was taking
medication for depression and was sinking further into a dark hole of
despair and nothingness. I had no care for myself or even those
around me. I was selfish and self loathing an empty shell of a
person. I had reached rock bottom.
So
how did I recover? This is a question I have been asked many times, a
question which has no easy or definite answer. In short, I had to
want to recover.
In
the long periods of what I would class as recovery I may not be
showing classic eating disordered signs but would have the thoughts,
horrendous negative body image, low self esteem and a general feeling
of worthlessness. My instant reaction to stress or feeling out of
control within my life would result in food restriction or purging.
It made me feel better, gave me a sense of release from my emotions
and a way of numbing emotional pain, all at a cost to my physical and
mental health.
My
decision to choose recovery wasn't an easy choice. You may find that
difficult to grasp, the choice is ultimately live or die, and when I
say that I didn't choose to have an eating disorder how can I make
the choice not to have one? The problem with starvation is is screws
with your head as well as your body. You may think you are in control
but that couldn't be further than the truth. Your head is messed,
thoughts are not rational, your thinking pattern is all over the
place as well as your metabolism. You have well and truly thrown a
spanner in your works and it will take more than a pill from the
Doctor to fix you up again. The thought of giving up a part of my
life, my whole being, my identity was a scary prospect. But this was
a choice I made, and the best decision I have ever made. What
helped alongside the support of family and friends was my
understanding of the illness, the way malnourishment affects your way
of thinking, the knowledge given to me on how my body would change
through recovery and what to expect. It was during my recovery I
became involved in writing. I found it cathartic to put my feelings
down on paper. I started writing a blog and became involved in many
online recovery groups. I was astounded at what a huge problem
eating disorders are and also how misunderstood the problem is.
There is a misconception that eating disorders only affect young
girls, and an almost glamorisation and sensationalism given to those
with anorexia in the media. There was little documented about EDNOS,
binge eating disorder or eating disorders in men. The online
communities gave me hope and support, it was such an inspiration to
hear words from others and to not be judged or misunderstood. To know
that true recovery was possible was like being offered a lifeline.
It
was through my blogging that I began to write poetry, and use the pen
name, 'The Cupcake Queen.' During my eating disorder I had an
obsession with baking and would spend hours baking cupcakes for other
people. There was always a standing joke in our house that whenever
I got thinner my Husband got bigger!!
I
compiled the poetry into my book, 'The Cupcake Queen Bites Back,'
which went on sale during EDAW last year with all royalties going to
sweda.. These will be available for sale at the end of this meeting.
I
would like to finish with one of my Poems called 'A Day In My Shoes.'
Don't
judge me on what you see,
A
lost and broken soul,
Taunted
night and day with numbers in my head,
That
dinner you eat, it filled me with dread.
Why
don't you eat? Its as easy as that.
I
wish.....
Don't
judge me for what I said,
It
wasn't me,
It
was the voices in my head,
Don't
eat, you'll get fat, you're ugly, worthless,
A
failure,
Rejected.
Don't
judge me for how I made you feel,
I
was keeping myself safe,
I
was in control,
Keeping
my emotions in check,
Numb,
black, despairing of life and living.
A
void....
Don't
judge me for being,
Give
me a switch,
If
I could I would have flicked it ten times over, I would.
And
another thousand of times,
For
all those still fighting,
And
those who have lost......
If
I could have told myself how bad it would get,
I
would have told myself a millions time over.
I
don't judge myself,
So
don't you....
Thank
you for listening.
I
