Eating disorders awareness week 2019

I didn't just wake up one day and decide not to eat.
It started with difficulties at work. I wasn't coping, was crippled with anxiety and living with depression.
There were warning signs that those around me noticed which I brushed aside.
It couldn't be happening again.

In 2011 I was discharged from the community eating disorders team and vowed 'never again.'
After several relapses of Anorexia since 1985, I was determined this was the last time. I was educated, had a good understanding of the illness and a supportive network of family and friends.
I was sure I had the strength and knowledge to not allow this insidious illness to take hold of me again.

But it did....
It chipped away bit by bit, slowly questioning every morsel I ate, getting into my head, punishing me physically and emotionally.
I tried to get help but at first no-one was interested.
My BMI wasn't low so everything must be OK, right?
Wrong!!
In 2016 I saw a sympathetic Doctor who after looking at my history made a referral to the ed team.
This is where my long road to recovey began.
The process was hard. My anorexia was ingrained to the point where I would only allow myself a drink if I'd completed a certain amount of steps on my fitbit.
I was an emotional wreck and fading physically.

During my time with the ed team I worked on myself.
With a combination of cognitive analytical therapy, compassion focused therapy and emdr, I began to understand more about how I think, my emotional responses and my triggers.
After 2 hospital admissions I had started the refeeding process which helped my cognition immensely.  It wasn't easy and my safe bubble had been popped. Keeping on track was at times emotionally draining. Acceptance of my new size does not come easily but with compassion I am learning to like myself a bit more.
With each relapse I have learned something new.
I have learned how important peer support is, especially in a hospital setting.
I have learned that I am not responsible for past trauma.
I have learned to be honest if I'm struggling, with myself and those around me.
I have strategies and tools in place along with a wellness recovery action plan.
So on eating disorders awareness week i want to offer hope to those still struggling.  There is a life out there not ruled by calories, exercise or scales.
It won't happen overnight, recovery is a process, but it's a process worth fighting for.

I can't say, "never again," but I will say, "Anorexia, I shall be watching out for you and I can beat you."

it is what it is.

You look well?
 What the fuck does that mean?  Can you see inside my head? 
Society today is so hung up on personal appearance.  Photos are filtered, we can choose what to show to the rest of the world.
Social media shows what we want people to see, our perfect worlds, perfect friends, perfect lives.
Nobody really knows what is going on in others lives, its all a big fantasy. 

I live in a bubble, a bubble that my nurse once said she would pop.  My bubble keeps me safe, protects me from others and my own thoughts.
My illness is not all about weight.  If I was to gain 3 stone tomorrow would I be cured. Probably not.

Its not about wanting to stay ill, it's about knowing my limitations and how hard to push myself.
Hospital was a safe environment, one where I could weight restore and not have to deal with the aftermath of feelings on my own.  In the community is not so easy.

My therapist is working on compassion. Supporting me through trauma and all the feelings that sit alongside it.  Its tough.  We don't talk about food, how I'm managing my meal plan or how to move forward with weight gain.  I struggle with this but I am keeping myself safe.  My blood work is on the normal scale, I know what foods to eat to make sure I am getting the right nutrients.  My dietitian is happy.

Food restriction keeps me in control of my emotions, eating sends me into turmoil.
I often overeat and seek permission from my Husband that its OK to do so and I'm not greedy.  He tells me if I'm hungry to eat, this is normal behaviour and I need it. Rice Krispies are currently my go to food.
I have been open about my urges to purge or exercise and have admitted to times when the urges have been so strong I have lost control.
I am pulled in all directions and the slightest thing can send me into over thinking and fight or flight mode.
I need to talk about this as soon as it happens but does that make me needy?  Do I need to validate every single thought.
I hate my brain at the moment but this is all part of my recovery.  I hate how I'm feeling, that I'm not in control of my emotions, that I can break down at the slightest thing and want to run away from it all.
I have the crisis team number and I have come close at times to calling them.....I haven't needed to as I have managed to ride it through.  Not easy in a public place.
Thank you to those who told me last night that they liked my top.

My illness is not all about weight.....It is what it is.

xx

Mental Health Awareness Week 2018 The past year.

Rydon

As the darkness descends, the noises begin

 Footsteps, the wails and the keys jangling.

 Mind numbing pills that alter your mood

Bad dreams and flashbacks, they still intrude.

Mountainous fences to hold madness in,

Pacing of corridors just to keep thin,

Queues at the hatch to get daily meds

Bells and alarms invading your head.

This is no hotel or holiday camp

The pillows aren't plumped but tear stained damp

There is no pass key to access the door

This is your safe place, until we say go.

As it is Mental Health Awareness week I thought it time I posted an update.

My therapy sessions are going well and yes ,Dom is still wearing the purple jumper on a Wednesday.  We have been working on compassion focused therapy which in a nutshell is showing compassion and kindness to yourself and challenging the negative and unwelcome thoughts. This is not something which comes easy to me and involves a lot of homework and self discovery.

So I want to look back on the past year and recognise the achievements I have made rather than focusing on what I haven't done.  Some of you may have kept up to date with my facebook posts but for those of you who haven't, this is my past year.

  Trigger warning............please do not read further if you may be affected by suicidal ideation or self harm.

May 15th I was in my psychiatrists office with my eating disorders nurse for what I thought was a normal appointment brought forward a few weeks. The previous month I had been in a very bad place despite  a glorious holiday and Birthday celebrations.

My disassociation had got worse; I would often find myself in places and not aware of how I got there.

I was not managing my depression or my food intake, was having scary memories and flashbacks and thoughts of suicide came thick and fast.  The rapid change from being ok, to feeling sad or numb was my norm

There is a difference between thinking of taking your own life and planning it.  My thoughts came at different times.  I could get up happy and quickly descend into darkness. When I was starting to get my affairs into order was the day everything changed....

My psychiatrist had arranged a bed for me at a local acute mental health hospital but wouldn't be available until later that day or the next day.

 It was time for the control to be taken away from me.  The threat of a section was hanging over me If I refused to be admitted.  My illness was consuming me and I still fought to hang onto it.

I was luckier than most. At least my admission was slightly preplanned so I had time to get some personal effects packed, some which were taken away from be on admission as they were deemed a risk to myself.

We travelled to Taunton in silence, it was very daunting and I was terrified.

When we arrived at the ward a nurse introduced herself and took away my bags to be checked.She then offered to show us around the ward.  By this point I was already breaking down so we went straight to my room.  It was basic and sparse,  all ligature points had been removed meaning there were no taps just sensors, no headboard, no toilet seat, all furniture was foam and plastic, it was a 'safe place.' 

Kev said it was the worse day ever leaving me there.  I am so sorry for all the pain I put him and my family and friends through and will always be thankful for their support.

I was lucky to receive many visitors during my stay.  I had mixed reviews on whether they thought it was the right place for me.  I too had similar thoughts.  I didn't feel I fitted in and certainly didn't feel ill enough or deserving of the staff support.  In hindsight I now believe it was the right place.  It served a purpose, helped me to adjust to my medication and kept me safe.

I won't go into great detail about my admission but there are many things that stood out.
I began to recognise staff my their footsteps in the corridor.  I would cry at the noises at night, conflict between patients, the sounds of keys and the girl opposite banging her head on the wall.

I kept myself to myself at first, waiting until everyone had finished before I went into the dining room or sitting on my bed with the door locked. The thought of having to eat with strangers or being watched was paralysing.
 The patients came and went,many came back.  I was thankful to meet a few ladies who I was on a level with and we spent many evenings chatting and watching TV in the female lounge.  I am happy to say that they are both doing well and we meet weekly for coffee.

Most of the staff were caring and supportive although we did have a staff nurse who I named Nurse Ratchett.  If you have ever seen one flew over the cuckoos nest you will understand.
The ward was not set up for patients with eating disorders and often my support was inconsistent with my care plan, and recommendations from my Nurse and Dietitian were not followed.  Nurses said they did not have the skills to help me and I will admit to using this to my advantage at times.
I had a real insight into how people I support may feel.  Especially when your movements are restricted.

Because of my low BMI my activity was restricted.  I tried using the activities room but often it was closed due to staff shortages so we were left to occupy ourselves.  The day I was allowed to use my headphones was definitely a highlight.
At first I was allowed out for a walk with the staff or my visitors but this was soon restricted as I was  deemed to be burning too many calories. My Psychiatrist thought I was cycling!  I was actually going out on the back of Kevs motorbike.  The thought of Kev cycling from Burnham to Taunton would be a site to behold.
One Nurse was always happy to take me out for my 15 minutes 'exercise' so she could have a crafty cigarette, others were not so keen.  It makes me smile when I think of the staff member who said she didn't like walking so was not keen on taking me out.  I soon got her lost and exceeded my exercise time.

We had weekly ward rounds which consisted of myself, a nurse, Dr and the psychiatrist discussing my progress, future plans and home leave.
For the first few weeks I was not allowed leave but this didn't stop me asking Kev to take me home one day with a promise I would return.
The feeling of being in normal surroundings, my sofa, using my toilet and own bath made me appreciate all I have.  It was difficult to return to a place where I was not allowed to be free.
The future plan was to wait for a bed at an eating disorders unit in Bristol.  Unfortunately beds are not readily available so after my discharge from Rydon I waited another 5 weeks to move to the specialist unit.  I will save that for another post.

Back to friends.  I am thankful for all the cards, letters, gifts, visits, messages and videos that got me through.  In such a dark place they brought light to my day.
There has always been a stigma around Mental Health units and I want to stress to anyone reading this, do not feel ashamed or judged.  No-one bats an eyelid if you are inpatient for a broken limb, a broken mind is no different.
My story continues.

January 20th. It's ok.

It's OK to say, I'm not OK,

That I'm back on the 'happy pills'

That I struggle to get out of bed,

And the smile on the outside doesn't show,

On the inside I feel dead.

It's OK to admit I feel a fake,

That I let people down,

That the things I say,

I don't always feel that way.

It's OK to say it's a struggle,

That I'm fighting the thoughts in my head.

But I'm fighting,

Not giving in,

And that's OK,

I will be OK.

I will continue to win.

A friend said to me recently, Stop pretending everything's OK when it's not." And she is right.

Everything is not OK and it's OK to admit that.

It's really shocking how quickly depression can creep up on you and before you know it, bang you're sucked into the black hole and everything that goes with it.

I was afraid to admit something was wrong for many reasons.  I didn't want to worry my Family or Friends. I felt I was letting people down in the Eating Disorders community, those I was trying to support. I felt a failure in myself as I always said I would never feel this way again.

I have had to put myself first and feel bad for disconnecting from the groups and forums I was involved in....but I need to keep myself safe.  I have hidden any posts from my news feed from Facebook friends which may be weight/diet related as I currently feel unable to cope with seeing these. I have stopped posting on a blogging site as I was expected to comment on fellow bloggers posting, often these were also diet related.

I have no reason to feel the way I do, there are no triggers, no issues...I am confused.

My Doctor said it goes with the territory and I shouldn't beat myself up about it. I'm back on the happy pills and I go back to see her in 3 weeks.

I still advocate recovery from eating disorders, and I do believe I will get through this bit of a blip.

It is OK not to be OK.

January 13th.

Sometimes,

Just sometimes,

When you're not expecting it,

It creeps up and smacks you in the face.

Picks at you bit by bit,

Shedding the confidence and leaving you open,

vulnerable,

Naked.

Ashamed of letting yourself down.

And others,

Those who need you,

Those who believe in you,

But you can believe in you.

Challenge,

Question,

Fight back.

Don't be a victim of yourself,

You're a survivor.

"When Anorexia Came To Visit." Introducing my guest Blogger......Bev Mattocks

How exciting. I have a visitor to my page! Not just any visitor, but a wonderful Woman who is the author of not one but two books highlighting the experiences of caring for a child with Anorexia.  I am very honoured to have my first guest blogger, Bev Mattocks talking about her new book, 'When Anorexia Came To Visit,' which I have recently purchased and am reading through teary eyes.

Introducing Bev Mattocks

The cupcake queen gets a sneak preview of my new book: “When Anorexia Came To Visit”

By Bev Mattocks

.

“How do I know you? How did you become my ‘friend’ on Facebook?” I asked the red-haired stranger in the pub where we were sharing a couple of cold drinks on the hottest Sunday of the year. I was en-route to the south coast and had asked if I could meet up with her for a chat.

“Probably via the Men Get Eating Disorders Too website?” she suggested. “Or your blog? To be honest, I’ve no idea!”

But anyway, there we were, chatting as if we’d known each other for ages. And in a way we had, ‘virtually’, through Facebook and so on – and, of course, through her wonderful book The Cupcake Queen Bites Back which I bought and reviewed the moment it was published.

I gingerly pushed another book across the table; the final printed proof of my new book When Anorexia Came To Visit: families talk about how an eating disorder invaded their lives. Jackie was the first person I’d showed it to and I’m always a little nervous of first impressions.

It’s my second book. The first was Please eat… a mother’s struggle to free her teenage son from anorexia, published in March 2013, which describes our own story of dealing with an eating disorder. Following on from this I was keen to see how it overlapped with other families’ experiences. So I put a few feelers out there via my various online networks. 20 families came back to me almost immediately, each happy to be interviewed for this new book, families with boys as well as girls and from all areas of the UK.

Within the pages of When Anorexia Came To Visit you will read many positive and inspirational stories of hope - of excellent GPs and healthcare professionals working with parents to get the child well. But you will also read stories where families have battled with, and in some cases are still battling with, inadequate services and treatment, especially evident once a child reaches the age of 18 and no longer qualifies for adolescent services.  

The primary purpose of this book is to help parents to identify the warning signs of an eating disorder and take prompt action – and to empower them to demand the best, evidence-based treatment for their child while drawing on the strategies that these 20 families found most helpful.

The other purpose is to highlight inconsistencies in the way eating disorder treatment is delivered across the UK – and to draw attention to the problems encountered at GP level where there is often a low awareness of the complexities and symptoms of eating disorders.

I was delighted when Professor Janet Treasure OBE agreed to write the Foreword for When Anorexia Came To Visit. Becky Henry, whose book Just Tell Her To Stop: Family Stories of Eating Disorders is the US-equivalent of mine and which inspired my book, volunteered to write the Preface. And Laura Collins, Founder of F.E.A.S.T. (Families Empowered And Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders) and author of Eating With Your Anorexic has written the Introduction.

Getting a son or daughter through an eating disorder is one of the toughest and most distressing things parents will ever do. But re-visiting painful memories is unbelievably tough, too. Yet each of the families I interviewed for this book willingly volunteered to come forward and describe their own struggles.

Not only did they agree to talk frankly about their experiences, they agreed to read through the various drafts I sent through for checking. In other words, being involved in this book meant having to re-visit distressing memories not once but several times over. This takes courage and commitment. It also demonstrates how much these families care about others - families they have never met who will read this book and hopefully draw inspiration, strength and hope from its pages.

Both of my books are available on Amazon and as Kindle downloads.

Bev Mattocks is the author of Please Eat… A mother’s struggle to free her teenage son from anorexia  http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0957511809

Her second book When anorexia came to visit: Families talk about how an eating disorder invaded their lives http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0957511841 has just been published, with a Foreword by Professor Janet Treasure OBE

Both are available on Amazon and as Kindle downloads

Visit Bev’s blog AnorexiaBoyRecovery http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

A Date To Remember. Happy Anniversary to me.......

Everyone has dates they remember, some fondly and some they choose to forget.

For me there are many...

March 17th 1967- My Birthday.

July 22nd 1985-the day I left home.

July 1987- my admission to hospital for Anorexia.

July 21st 1989-My wedding day to my Sons Dad.

December 1990-my first relapse.

February 1991-getting pregnant :)

November 21st 1991-My Sons Birthday

July 20th 1998- the day my first marriage broke up.

August 1998-Met Kev

July 1999-my second relapse.

2001-my third (hiccup)

July 19th 2005-My Dad died.

July 8th 2008- I married Kev :)

May 26th 2009- My best friend died. (we had fallen out and not spoken for over a year)

May 2010- my fourth relapse

November 2010-the decision to recover properly this time.

March 16th 2011-My Mum died.

March 16th 2012-Hip operation

 There are obviously a hell of a lot more, but I'm sure you are not interested in my first period, losing my virginity, first tattoo, having my ingrowing toenail done,when Toby first used his potty, as if I can actually remember!!

Anyway, back to today.

July 16th is my 2 year anniversary of being discharged from the eating disorders team, and I am celebrating with guilt free beans and cheese on toast with a can of cider.

I am often asked the question,'Do you ever recover fully from an eating disorder?' or 'How do I know I will never go back there?'

These are really difficult questions to answer as I cannot see into the future, but what I do have is belief in myself and a much deeper understanding of me and the illness. When I think back on how much time I have wasted, and how much energy I have put into Anorexia over the years it seems complete madness and it makes me feel sad.............

but I am not a negative person, and I can, and do see positives in the difficult periods of my life.

I wonder who I would be if I hadn't experienced a mental illness. Would I be the strong, motivated Woman that I am now, or would I still be a frightened, timid little girl trapped inside a Woman's body?

It is only through recovery that I have met some amazing people who have influenced and motivated me throughout my journey...alongside the best Family and friends you could want.

I know some have thought that now I am recovered that is it! Leave the world of e.d alone....but I can't do that. I have a strong passion for recovery and after years of suffering from low self-esteem I want to shout from the rooftops, "You are f*****g gorgeous and don't let anyone, especially society tell you otherwise."

So to all you reading this, happy Anniversary to me....and thank you, thank you, thank you. xxxxx

Don't Panic!!!

So yesterday I have my first ever panic attack, and it scared me. I felt totally out of control, my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was about to leave my chest, I could barely breathe, I couldn't see from the tears clouding my eyes, I feared I would either throw up if I moved or pass out if I stood up. Throughout this time I was at work. I was in a position of responsibility, caring for others, supporting staff around me and what a bloody crap job I was doing!!  I knew why It happened and I need to deal with that. I am currently not at work, advised to stay at home until Monday.
Maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I am too emotional...or just maybe I am just too fucking stupid!!
A friend said to me, turn it around, make something positive out of it, so here goes....
The past few days have been shitty. I could have smoked but I didn't.
I could have got blind drunk, but I didn't.
I could have restricted my food to numb my emotions, but I didn't.
I could have eaten mounds of chocolate and thrown up,but I didn't.
I felt stressed, sick, at times numb and emotionless and made myself eat because I knew I needed too.
This is being positive, this is turning things round, this is true recovery.
This is me saying, I am not a push over, I have the strength to deal with this. I will bounce back.....

A face For Radio

Today was my radio interview to promote my book, and I made a joke of 'having the face for radio' before I went in. Many years ago I would have believed this. As a little girl I dreamed of the knight in shining armour, being a beautiful princess and living happily ever after.

In reality I was not pleasing to the eye, was rather skinny, lanky, geeky, wore glasses and un-fashionable clothing. I was a magnet for the name callers, those who possibly had as low self-esteem as myself and those who just liked to abuse others for fun!!

Quite ironically, Emma the presenter picked out the poem The Weight Of Your Words to read. The ending being, 'which words do you carry with you each day?'  I spent years carrying the negativity, the words which battered me black and blue, made me cower in corners and fearful of those I trusted...... but not any more.

Now my beauty is more than the way I wear my hair, the make-up I apply or the clothes I use to frame my body. My beauty is in the compassion I feel for others, my confidence In who I am, my zest for life and what it throws at me.  Maybe its time others took a look at their perception of beauty.

Before & After

My Sister And I

Whilst trying to promote my book I was approached by a company who research and sell 'human interest,' stories to Womens magazines in the UK. Most of my UK readers may recognise the likes of 'Take a break,' 'Chat,' 'Bella' and 'Womens Own.' Now these are magazines that in the past I have bought and at times poured through every article looking for diets and advice on how to be a better woman on the outside!!  They are filled with pieces on lifestyle choices, cosmetic surgery gone wrong, how to drop a dress size, have a better sex life, find a man,woman or dog. They tell us who is in or out in the celeb world, whilst pointing out all their wrinkles, muffin tops and bad hair days. Shock horror probe, skinny celeb papped eating doughnut!!  Is this really news? Is this really what we are about?

Forgive my rambles, the point being whilst the researcher was in fact interested in my book and story, the sad thing was that the Magazines would want photographs of when I was ill!  Why?  What purpose was this for other than to sensationalise the story of a woman who had an eating disorder. We all know what someone looks like emaciated for goodness sake, what people are not aware of is that not all sufferers of an eating disorder are underweight.  And just because someone was thin and is now looking a little more healthy does not mean they are recovered!

The whole point of my book was to raise awareness as well as money for an eating disorders charity, not to plaster photos that could trigger others who were vulnerable.

I spoke to my Sister about the photos this evening and she was correct in pointing out that I do have photos on my face book account. Yes I do, but they are there alongside my friends and family making good memories, and there they shall stay.  Within my control.

The Cupcake Queen Bites Back is available on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

A day In My Shoes........

 

Eating Disorders Awareness...

A Day In My Shoes

Don't judge me on what you see, 

A lost and broken soul,

Taunted night and day with numbers in my head,

That dinner you eat, it filled me with dread.

Why don't you eat? Its as easy as that.

I wish.....

Don't judge me for what I said,

It wasn't me,

It was the voices in my head,

Don't eat, you'll get fat, you're ugly, worthless,

A failure,

Rejected.

Don't judge me for how I made you feel,

I was keeping myself safe,

I was in control,

Keeping my emotions in check,

Numb, black, despairing of life and living.

A void....

Don't judge me for being, 

Give me a switch,

If I could I would have flicked it ten times over, I would.

And another thousand of times,

For all those still fighting,

And those who have lost......

If I could have told myself how bad it would get,

I would have told myself a millions time over.

I don't judge myself,

So don't you....

Jackie

Eating Disorders awareness Week, Everybody Knows Somebody. beat ed  Body Gossip

You can buy my book on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

all royalties go to sweda

Somebody........

EDAW 2012

This video from beat says it all really. Everybody knows somebody, and you may not even realise.

Eating Disorders are not all about what is noticeable on the outside. It is a severe life threatening mental illness which needs support. Unfortunately the media can get on the Anorexia band wagon  and leave the lesser know ED behind. Sufferers with ednos, bulimia, binge eating disorder can feel unworthy of help as they don't look ill......  how tragic is that?  A friend of mine recently wrote about self harm and suicide on her blog as it is so closely linked with eating disorders. Her words I wish I had hear when I felt darkness and despair.  I was a lucky one, others have not been so lucky.

It astounds me that for such a widespread illness there is so much stigma and ignorance still!!

Over the years I have had many comments about my illness.  I was accused of taking up a worthwhile bed in a hospital, called a stupid little girl by a Nurse, asked if I died how would I pay my catalogue bill (from a friend!) told I look like a Cambodian and even my Dr called it my 'little problem.' When the hell will mental illness be given the same regard as a physical illness.

Know one can know how you are feeling, what you are thinking, what pain and desperation you feel on a daily basis or how dark your life is. 

So when you meet that 'somebody' please remember this. They are a person, a person with feelings, a person who needs love, support and compassion.  I was a 'Somebody'.......

My book 'The Cupcake Queen Bites back.' is available on amazon.com and amazon.co.uk
All proceeds go to a local ED charity. Thank you.

An ear to listen, a hand to hold, a heart breaking.

Eating Disorders Awareness

Support is not just a lifeline to the person with an eating disorder, but also to those closest to them.

When you are in the depths of despair and totally drowning in your eating disorder, the effect you are having on your Family/Friend couldn't be further from your mind. Please don't think they are being selfish or cruel.... this is the eating disorder that is making them behave in this way, they are not intentionally trying to hurt or blame.

I think back to when my Son had been ill in the past and as a parent you would do anything just to take their pain and suffering away. To be faced with something totally out of your control which a pill won't fix must fell a million times worse.

I went to support group last night.  In a way I go to touch base, keep myself in check but ultimately I go to support others.  Over the years I have seen people come and go and often wonder what happened to them, inside I am praying that they found freedom in a positive way.

The emotions and honesty coming from one group of people are inspiring,but  I can feel what they are feeling as I have felt it before and it can cut deep. I just want to reach out, hug each and every one of them and tell them 'It will be OK,' I want to make it all better, fix it with a sticky plaster and a kiss, but I know that's not going to happen.

For now it will have to be an ear to listen, a hand to hold and a glimmer of hope.

You can find other posts regarding support here.

For support in the UK contact beat

South West England  sweda

USA neda

Choose Freedom, choose Life.

Eating Disorders Awareness 2013

How did you recover? This is a question I have been asked many times, a question which has no easy or definite answer.  In short, I had to want to recover.

I was originally diagnosed with anorexia but realistically my ED switched between anorexia (restricting type) and anorexia( binge purge type).  In the sometimes long periods of what I would class as recovery I may not be showing classic ed signs but would have the thoughts, horrendous negative body image, low self esteem and a general feeling of worthlessness.  My instant reaction to stress or feeling out of control within my life would result in food restriction or purging. It made me feel better, gave me a sense of release from my emotions and a way of numbing emotional pain, all at a cost to my physical and mental health.

My decision to choose recovery wasn't an easy choice.  You may find that difficult to grasp, the choice is ultimately live or die, and when I say that I didn't choose to have an ed how can I make the choice not to have one?  The problem with starvation is is screws with your head as well as your body. You may think you are in control but that couldn't be further than the truth. Your head is f****d up, thoughts are not rational, your thinking pattern is all over the place as well as your metabolism. You have well and truly thrown a spanner in your works and it will take more than a pill from the Doctor to fix you up again.The thought of giving up a part of my life, my whole being, my identity is a scary prospect.  But this was a choice I made and the best decision I have ever made, but I couldn't have got where I am today without support.

When I think back to my hospital admission in the late 80's and to how I achieved recovery now, what had changed?

Apart from being a hell of a lot older with more responsibilities society has changed. We have more access to information in the form of the Internet and particularly social networking sites. We are able to communicate with people from all over the world at the touch of a button and we can be anonymous.....

I did of course require professional help in the form of my GP, Dietitian, specialised ED nurse and counsellor. These were the people who kept me physically safe, helped me make sense of what was going on in my head and ultimately accept responsibility for myself.

I started going to a  support group, where I was not judged and able to talk about my ed with people like myself.  I still attend to give support and hope to those still affected.

I also had my angels, these were the ones on the Internet, fac book and you tube who advocated for recovery and helped me to believe in myself.

Body Gossip who's films have reduced me to tears many times and helped me to believe I am worth it.

Freedom Fighters  are a group of inspirational women give practical advice and hope for recovery.

We bite back is the first website I came across which advocated recovery as an option.

beat is a UK based ed charity which has a helpline and forum.

I hope you find these links of some help, if you or someone you care for are suffering please seek medical advice. There is hope. 

21st Century torture device-the bathroom scale!!

Twice in the past month I have had to think about the dreaded bathroom scales.

I recently went for my hip check up as I will be having my pins removed in January. As part of my  pre- operative assessment I needed the usual health checks, blood pressure, height and Weight!!!

The look on the nurses face was a picture when I asked to be weighed backwards. :)  I didn't feel the need to explain myself........
Some of you may have read about my Mum-In-Laws recent hip fracture and illness.  A consequence of this was that she lost a fair amount of weight and this needed monitoring. the local dementia unit were responsible for this until I recently found out they had no scales as they were broken!!  There answer to this was to ask me to purchase some for Mum to use at home.
I thought this a perfectly reasonable request until I started to write the word 'scales' down on a notepad.
I was filled with absolute dread at the thought of being in a house each day where I could get easy access to  a small platform which you could shatter your day in few seconds.
I was taken straight back to 'those days.'

Bathroom Scales.

Rules for use.

1.  Step on them several times a day including; upon waking, before and after bathing, before and after dressing, undressing, before and after eating, drinking, peeing, pooping!!

2.  Move around the bathroom floor if they give you the wrong result, try moving them to another room if that doesn't work.

3.  If the number is too high let it ruin your day. Cry a lot, feel really guilty about yourself and then restrict your food intake .

4.  If the number has gone down feel really good for about 2 minutes, then continue to restrict your food intake until it goes down even further.

5.  Don't even bother trying to go away from home, on holiday or anywhere you cannot gain access to these dreadful machines.  You will be tied to them to tell you how you should feel.

After a brief pause of silence on the phone I suggested to the support worker if she needed me to give her managers a push to purchase scales I would, but I was not willing to buy any for the house.  

Its not that I don't trust myself, I just do not want to be put in a position of temptation or failure.

One of the most empowering feelings I ever had was smashing up my bathroom scales with a hammer, I do not need them to tell me how healthy I am or how much worth I have. I know my weight will fluctuate, the waist band on my jeans will tell me that!!

Questions

Do you actually fully recover from an eating disorder or is it always something laying dormant, waiting for the moment of weakness to try and claw you back into its murky depths again?  This is something I have struggled with over the past week.  I have always ran away from conflict, it makes me anxious and scared.  But this is my problem and no-one elses.  Maybe I'm just too sensitive.  Is that a strength or a weakness? I'm not ill again, and I don't want to be, but I know I have battled the demons in my head, questioned my thoughts.  I have felt elated over missing meals and satisfied over the fact that I may have lost a bit of weight.  Granted, my weight had increased after my operation but there needs to be a balance here and I need to get that right.   Health not control.
I can do this.

Exquisite beauty imprisoned once more.

Exquisite beauty, imprisoned once more.

As she slumps by the toilet and falls to the floor,

The demons inside her she needs to get out,

Her strength and her value she's starting to doubt.

The cycle begins, the hate has no end,

This demon inside her she see as her friend,

She hurts her frail body to gain some release,

When all that she wants is some love and some peace.

The battle continues 'til someone gives in,

I will love myself when I become thin,

Say the demons within until you say 'No.'

'This is not my life, not how I want to go.'

Exquisite beauty, imprisoned no more,

As she picks herself up from the bathroom floor,

And she says 'this is my life, not yours to kill.'

'I am beautiful, I am worth it and  live it I will.'

Jackie 2012

Self empowerment

I have really sucked at taking part in this challenge, hence only one post this week on 'Blogging for well-being.' I have struggled slightly with the topics, not with the content itself but how to physically put them down on paper (keyboard) So excuse the babbling and waffling and I will try. :)

For me self empowerment has been about taking control of my life, taking responsibility for my actions, acceptance of myself and others, challenging negative thoughts and learning to say no.
With my eating disorder I was out of control, although for most of the time my head was telling me I was the one in control.  The turning point was when I said no to Anorexia, took back the control, made the choice to recover and challenged myself throughout the journey.  It was a difficult process, an emotional and heartbreaking process, but ultimately I was the one in control, I was the one who had the power to change things and it felt so good when I did.
Throughout my recovery the professional support I received was not ideal all the time. But the people that made a difference were the ones who guided me, didn't tell me what to do. I made the decisions and I called the shots. I was the one who made the changes in my life and turned it around. Of course I wanted to recover for the people I love but I needed to want to do it for me. You can do it to................

Week One-Monday-Barriers to self care

Week One (Monday) Barriers to self care and soothing.

I am going to attempt this months bloggers challenge daily.  At first I thought this may be too much pressure after returning to work, getting back into a routine and not having as much 'me' time but I work well under pressure.  This time there will be a general topic for the week, with a daily topic if you want to write each day. So....here goes.

Firstly I will apologise if I wander slightly.  I was going to write about when I had an ED and what stopped me from looking after myself, but I'm not. I am going to write this for a  beautiful young lady who I am hoping is beginning to see a way forward. I can understand why she is scared, what she is scared off and what is stopping her from looking after herself.  She is such a strong person, a winner, a fighter and I am so proud of how far she has come.  

You can break down the walls, pull open the shutters,

If you really want to.

You can release the shackles that are holding you back,

smash through the image the mirror beholds,

and see the real you.

The loving, caring, beautiful you.

What are you scared of?

Of feeling, of seeing, of hurting, of losing.

Who am I without you?  What am I? 

You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are strong.

You can take back control....If you want to.

Go on, What are you waiting for xxx

For Em xx

Glossy Magazines

Sensationalising Eating Disorders

I wrote on this subject during the May Bloggers challenge entitled 'Reality Check,'. I have chosen to go back to this today after being shown a link to a webpage for a company who sells stories to womens' magazines. I have come across this company before when I was asked to contribute towards spreading awareness during eating disorders week.  They were very keen to take on my story until I refused any before or after photographs.  This of course wasn't sensational enough, they wanted the 'Oh my god,' factor to sell magazines and ultimately make money on the back of 'doing something positive.'
I have no issue with people selling their stories, only good can come out of education on how horrific and damaging an eating disorder can be to a sufferer and their families/carers.  This is what we do within pro recovery communities, give hope to others. I do not think posting photographs of severely thin ill people achieves anything positive or gives a message of hope, and these  photos were posted alongside the story.
Their mission statement states, they value themselves on honesty and integrity. Yes they were honest enough, but integrity? I don't think so.  I questioned their integrity today, and asked if they were aware of the impact of posting these type of photos had on sufferers. They said they would be discussing both sides of the story next week!  I will be interested to say their discussion.