Tuesday, 30 November 2010

My Ten Commandments...

1.  Thou shalt not make yourself into the image of others....celebrities in magazines are airbrushed, they do not really look like that!!!

2.  Honour you body, its the only one you will get.  Nurture it, love it....feed it.

3.  Avoid Fat talk....its damaging and lowers self-esteem. 

4.  Drink your Fresubin daily...lol

5.  Do not live in the past....(80's music is acceptable though)  You cannot change what has happened but you can change how you allow it to affect your future.

6.  Accept your flaws, nobody is perfect!! 

7.  Never ever buy bathroom scales again....unless they are pink and fluffy and say 'gorgeous' each time I step on them :)

OK I can only think of 7......may add some later after more coffee.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Its only a bloody Potato!!!!

How hard can it be to buy a spud???   After a successful day of following meal plan (gives self pat on back)  I decide to purchase the said mentioned potato...to cook as the jacketed variety as I do not like to be stared at by a naked being on my plate!!!
Off I pop to the wonderful store of Llidl where I peruse the aisles for an eternity looking at Christmas chocolates..STOP...binge alert...I did not come in for chocolate so skip merrily to the aisle of delectable vegetables.
Hmmph!! only 4 potatoes left all with more knobbly bits than a team of cyclists in Lycra!!  After a quick grope I toss it into my basket along with the icing sugar, marzipan, apricot jam...(guess what I'm doing tomorrow?) and hurry along to the checkout where they are giving away free bread!!!  Random I know but thought I would make the point that some supermarkets do something productive with their on date perishables.
by the time I get home, i am anxious, stressed, cruising for a bruising and am so not going to eat my potato all because poor Hubby dared to walk away when I thought we were having a conversation!!  Gets me like that sometimes and those nearest and dearest are the ones who bear the brunt.  Quick ciggy (OK, I haven't packed in yet) and I'm destressed and ready to roll...
Long story short, Potato arrived on my plate dressed in best tuxedo, although had carelessly spilled garlic and herb cream cheese down its crack which I gladly ate up. Yum...

One week on...a way forward.

Like most of you out there I am guilty of not being able to take a compliment in the positive way it was meant..

Throughout periods of my eating disorder I loved it when people commented on my initial weight loss, it made me feel good about myself, reinforced my sense of achievement and gave me a drive to carry on.
When my weight loss became more apparent and less 'acceptable' to others, the comments came thick and fast.  During disordered eating your mind plays tricks on you.  The constant battle and pull within your head tells you how great you look, the mirror lies, confusion and chaos reigns.  No matter how thin you are, how unwell you look, how weak you feel there is always the nagging voice, the invisible friend pushing you on to achieve the inevitable.  This does not change when you make the decision to turn your life around, to become well again, to be healthy....but what has to change is your reaction to this, choose to become well, to live.....or choose a life of disordered eating, semi-starvation and ultimately die.  As harsh as this seems it is true.  I choose not to listen to what my head tells me but to what my body tells me.  Some days are harder than most but I am getting there....
Back to the compliments.....when regaining weight we will all get comments, 'you look well,' 'you look better,'  I can hear a few knowing chuckles as this can be taken the wrong way!!  Shock reaction, Omg, I must be getting fat, do they mean I'm putting on weight.This is where rational head needs to win over ED head, its a struggle but one worth going through....
In conclusion...don't be afraid to give me or anyone else a compliment.....and don't be afraid to accept it....if someone tells you you look like a sex kitten, hell girl you do.  Please feel free to tell me I do :)

Sunday, 28 November 2010

A letter to a 'Friend.'

Dear Friend,

You came into my life many years ago and have never left.  You always turn up uninvited, without warning, giving me no time to prepare for the chaos and distress you bring to my life and those around me.
I may not see you for years on end, but you are always at the back of my mind.
let me tell you that those years you were not around were the best years of my life.....
You have influenced me, gave me motivation, control and a numbness from things I found difficult to cope with in my life.
But...you also lied to me, controlled my thoughts, my feelings, my actions.  For this you are never forgiven.
You turned me into a liar, a cheat, a manipulative person who hurt those around me, those who care.
You threatened my health, my friendships, my relationships, my self esteem and self image....and continue to do so If I allow you to.
I am often scared to let you go, scared of losing something special and part of my identity.....but with that loss comes hope, a new beginning, a future a life.
You have moulded me into the person I am today....a strong, positive and determined woman who can and will fight.  For this, Dear friend, I thank you.


Friday, 26 November 2010

5 things to do with Fresubin 2 kal

As suggested by my dietician I have Fresubin 2 kal on a daily basis, I have so many of the damn bottles I swear they are reproducing in my kitchen.  Was quite amusing when I picked up the prescription from my GP as he had written a script for one bottle.  When I queried this he replied,'The bottle is 200ml, take 1 ml at a time and I suggest you try and make the bottle last a month!,'  Thankfully he was joking, smiled and changed it to 58.
For those of you who have had the pleasure of this delightful drink, or others similar you will know they come in a variety of delicious flavours, are made with UHT milk and leave you with a delectable chalky after taste!!
My local pharmacy arranged an order for vanilla and forest fruits...yum yum, bring it on.

So...today's blog is 5 things to do with Fresubin 2 kal (to make them taste better)
I do not endorse this as medical advice!!

1. Add coconut cream to vanilla flavour, measure of rum and crushed ice.  Decorate with parasol and sparkler.  Hey presto...medicinal Pina Colada.  For added impact sit with feet in washing up bowl, put on swimsuit and shades and think back to those wonderful beach holidays.

2.  Take one vanilla fresubin, put in blender and add 1 teaspoon of instant coffee granules, 1 teaspoon almond extract, 1 cup of whipping cream, half a can of sweetened can of condensed milk and a cup of Irish whiskey. Blend together for approx 30 secs.  Store in fridge in a sealed bottle.  You now have Baileys Irish cream.

3. Add to a blender one bottle of vanilla fresubin, 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream and one banana.  blend until smooth. A scrummy banana smoothie.  Delicious....

4. Using fruits of the forest Fresubin, as banana smoothie but add strawberries, blueberries, raspberries. Lots of super fruits.

5. Mix one fruits of the forest Fresubin with one fruit yoghurt and one banana.  Serve in a tall glass, decorate with cream and edible glitter.

Alternatively, insert straw into top, suck slowly, mindfully and remember why you need to drink them. Because you are worth it, you are beautiful, you want to be healthy and you need the nutrients. wish me luck....think I may need it. x

Day Five...My worth is not determined by a number.

OK, so curiosity got the better of my and whilst visiting a friend last evening I committed the ultimate sin....I weighed myself!! First reaction...all scales weigh differently, its cold, I had an extra jumper on.....
despite telling myself, 'its only a number,' the sudden increase in x pounds HAS affected me, I has crept into my dreams at night, it has increased my anxieties to the point where I have woken early, tidied the downstairs and cleaned the shoes!!!
On reflection and looking through my food diary I can see why this has happened.
Over the weekend and subsequent days I have let my guard down with ALCOHOL!!!  Yes, a few glasses here, there and everywhere I have have begun to nibble a bit late in the evening, the knock on affect of that is then restricting during the day and again craving/bingeing of sweet things again in the evening. When I say 'binge' can I just clarify 1 croissant not the content of my kitchen!!
I suppose this is a little like the old, if a tree falls and no one hears it did it really fall?  If i eat chocolate and no one sees me does it really count.
Now I can see you sat there, frowning and wagging your finger.....put you have put on x pounds, surely that is a good thing?
Yep, it is....but when my ED mind takes over it is not a good thing.  Anorexia isn't about weight, its about control, and at this present moment I feel like I am losing my grip slightly and falling falling into a murky pool, probably filled with chocolate and wine.
So the plan for today, try to stick to the meal plan, eat healthily, lay off the booze, go for a walk, think positive.  Don't worry about the numbers on the scale, that's all they are numbers and I am worth more than that.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Recovery From An Eating Disorder Is Possible

Recovery From An Eating Disorder Is Possible

Borrowed from 'Weighing The facts' website

How did I get here?

I often sit and ask myself this question..and yes I know the facts of life, I was not found under a bush after delivery by the stork!
Without going into too much detail and hanging out my dirty laundry in public I will give you a brief history. 
I have 'managed' an eating disorder since the age of 19 and I am now 43...you do the math.
What was the catalyst?  I'm sure it could have been lots of different things, leaving home, social pressures or just an addictive personality, who knows?  What I do know is that I cannot diet, I do not do things by halves, I am far too good at it!
There are no shades of grey in my life, I see everything in black and white, its either do or don't.
I recognise my triggers, most are unavoidable like loss or stress, it is my way of coping with a situation, of regaining some sort of order or control over my life.  In reality though all that happens is I begin another chaotic and out of control way of life and way of thinking.  It is easier to slip back into that 'controlling' lifestyle than it is to get out of it.
So....what now?  Where do i go from here?
Self talk, I tell myself every day that yes I am worth it, I have my imperfections, I can be a complete bitch at times but when it comes down to it I am a good person.  I also try and tell those close to me that they are also worth it....they are beautiful and I love them.
I try to be honest with myself and others, this should work both ways, often it doesn't but that is something that I have to accept and move on....
I do not point the finger of blame...
I take responsibility for my own actions, I am in control of my own life and what happens to me...no one else.
Keep you posted...  :)

PS. Its bloody freezing, so.....how about a lush hot chocolate made with real dark chocolate, topped with squirty cream and choccie powder.

Push me pull you

Its 11.55pm and I feel like the two headed llama creature in Doctor Doolittle.  My rational voice pulling me in one direction and my ED pulling me the other!!!  Always a mistake to hit the peanut butter late at night.It is difficult to describe the feelings of anxiety, the total change in the way your body feels, the tenseness that's starts in your head and goes right into your toes....actually I think I described that pretty well.
I thought about going to bed, trying to sleep and hoping it goes away.  No, that never works, I would only wake at 3am thinking about food again.  I will sit here, write away, bore you all stupid and fight the feelings.
The hardest thing with recovery is dealing with the 'refeeding', the subsequent weight gain and all the feelings and thoughts associated with it is having very little support.  That sucks!!  Not saying I don't have people around me who care, i do...lots of them.  Sometimes that's not enough and you need someone who knows how to direct you and steer you away from the irrational thinking.  My next appt on Dec 13th seems an age away....I think by then i would have used up the whole of blogging cyber space.  Ok, I'm off to sit in the garden and look at the moon.....you will probably hear me howling soon.  Night All.....
Please let me know If I am becoming boring.....I appreciate the feedback (scuse the pun)

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

The near perfect roast dinner!!!

'The way to a mans heart is through his stomach,' and that is certainly the case with the two men in my life.
So after a gruelling day in the slave camps they trudged home to the glamorous wife and Mother doing her domestic goddess impression!
Actually this was far from the truth...the vegetable steamer had yet again let me down.  The sprouts, cauli and cabbage were happily basking in the heat of the steam, getting very hot and wet (ooh er missus)  but remained as raw as the day they were plucked from the soil!!  Hmmph.  Take out old metal hob steamer and start again.
Meanwhile laying on the floor is the remnant of a winter fruit crumble, which had decided to makes it escape off the baking tin when I freed it from the oven.  Chicken was so cremated the stuffing was about to sing abide with me......but......orgasmic revelation....I can make Yorkshire Pudding  :)
Not burnt, not sunk, but as proudly risen as my old man on a ....oops, getting a bit Nigella there for a moment.  As they say, 'The proof of the pudding is in the tasting,' and I had two very happy no longer hungry men.  My Yorkshire Nan and Mam would be very proud.

Day Three. Dear Body......

Have been watching a lot of the 'Dear Body' videos and YouTube but cannot bring myself to make a video or inflict it on others.....so a few words and photos will suffice.  Here goes...

Dear Body.....

My Eyes...I love you..some say they are the gateway to your soul, they sparkle when I'm happy and cry when I'm sad.
Sorry for not looking after you properly. Not removing mascara when i go to bed and looking like a panda the next morning!!  For inflicting pain on you on the rare occasions I have slept in my contacts and then had to remove you with a plunger action the next day.

My Lips...They pout, they pucker, they smile :)  A little too large for my liking but hey, more to snog with.

My eyebrows...are desperate for a pluck....yes, I said pluck!!  Or a wax, whatever my pain threshold is at the time. 

My nose....they help keep my glasses on my face, what more can I say!  A tad too big, but good for smelling.  It has a little moley thing on it, I'm learning to like that spot.

My Hair...oh dear, where do i start?  I apologise hair for the many years of bleaching, dyeing, straightening, curling and not giving you enough nutrients to shine.  I will try harder.  Oh I do like the red at the moment though.

My Boobs...No picture thank god, well not any that I can post on here!  When I was at school we used to do the pencil test. If you can hold a pencil under your boobs they have drooped!! I can safely say I can hold a pencil case up now.  Sorry boobs for not wearing the right size bras, I will endeavour to make getting measured as priority in the future.

My Feet...Uggh...feet.  Sorry feet for squashing you into tight, too high very inappropriate footwear, but I cannot promise it wont happen again.

My Legs... Very long, very slender, I like my legs.  Thank you legs.

My Bum...I apologise for sitting on you far too much recently and will take you with my legs out a little more often.  One day I will get you back to the bum I knew and loved. 

My tummy...Sorry tummy for not feeding you properly, for putting you through such stress and discomfort.
For inflicting pain on you with a tattoo, but I do love the tattoo.  Tummy you are a reminder of my pregnancy and of the birth of my wonderful Son.  I will try to be mindful of the changes you are going through and accept you whatever shape or size.  I will look forward to jiggling you again.

In conclusion, body I will treat you with the respect and love you deserve, and look forward to having you around whatever your size for a very long time. xxx

Things that make you smile...

Things that make you smile.....

A random comment from a stranger that regains your faith in human nature.

The comment above which actually rhymes...

A text from a friend which comes just at the right moment....

Someone tripping over in the street..sorry but it is funny..

Putting squirty cream on top of hot chocolate and it runs out and squirts you in the face..

Gillian Mc thingy wotsit on celebrity get me out of here...

someone smiling back at me..  :)

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Lemon cupcakes

Basic cupcake recipe...8oz of s/r flour, 8oz of butter, 8oz of caster sugar, 4 eggs, tsp baking powder, 10ml of lemon flavouring. butter cream frosting with food covering and lemon flavouring.  Yum yum pigs bum

Recovery Quote Of The Week: September 4

Recovery Quote Of The Week: September 4

BODY GOSSIP: 'This one is for you'

Day Two

I have come to the conclusion this morning that recovery is a bit like being pregnant!!!  the swollen belly, bad wind (Hubby calls me Mrs Methane) and ridicolous food cravings...peanut butter and chocolate spread being at the top of my list!!  The difference being apart from the obvious is I will be heavier but will be healthy as well as having a new life...
I can honestly say the last few weeks have been a struggle, a challenge, a daily living nightmare, but one which I have fully had the suport from family and friends.  I would like to say it is getting easier but it isnt...i know there is hope and that hope is in me :)  positivity does remain although at times it may not seem that way.

positives of the past month.
Not only have I thrown away my scales, but i hit them with a hammer!!  To quote from the We Bit Back Website, 'The person I am is not defined by a number,' Very true.  It was difficult to adjust to at first as it was so very part of my daily routine to the point of being an obsession.  jumping on the scales several times a day can only be counter productive although i do not dismiss the fact that to remove them from your life can be an impossible feat.  What works for me may not work for others.

write a meal plan.
I love lists, I thrive on lists.  I love to cross things off lists, and the lists are endless.
I worked on my meal plan with an ED nurse and a dietician, and it was a lot more difficult than i thought.  I now take every day as it comes. Dont beat myself up over a slight hiccup and start the next day afresh.  Onwards and upwards.

Less of the boring stuff and on to the nitty gritty.....CAKE!!!!
Had a really busy but positive and productive weekend as it was both my husband and Sons Birthday.  As you can imagine this involved lots of alcohol, friends and cake.

I adapted a recipe to make a delicious white chocolate and malteser cheesecake...so here goes...
(im not wonderful on measurements and just tend to throw things in and hope for the best)

malteser cheesecake
Base. melt 2 oz of unsalted butter in a pan, add about 8 crushed digestive biscuits and handful of whole chocolate chips and combine well. Press into a lined sandwich tin.  Put into fridge and chill well.

Filling.  Whisk 2oz of castor sugar with 200ml of fresh double cream until thick.  In a seperate bowl beat 200ml of soft cream cheese until smooth, add 200ml of creme fraiche and beat until thick.  Fold cheese mixture into cream mixture with 10ml of vanilla extract.
Pour mixture on top of biscuit base and decorate with maltesers and white chocolate.  freeze until firm for several hrs.  take out of freezer approx 45 mins before serving and serve at room temp.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Day One

I have spent the past three days, or at least part of the past three days watching the movie Julie & Julia. For those of you who have not had the gastronomic pleasure of this movie, it tells the true story of a young woman who attempts to cook every recipe in a french cookery book in 365 days!!! and write a blog detailing her attempts. The cook book was written by Julia Child in the 1950's (I think)  and her story runs alongside...
Given my rather obsessiveness over baking and my strive to have a positive relationship with food, i thought, why not?  Write a blog....if noone reads it, who cares, at least it will be somewhere to share my thoughts, not too much of my feelings, but above all my love of all things chocolately and truly scrumptious.  I will apologise forthwith for my bad grammar, atrocious spelling and occassional bad language. As JUulia would say....Bon appetite.

Eating disorders awareness week 2019

I didn't just wake up one day and decide not to eat. It started with difficulties at work. I wasn't coping, was crippled with anxie...