Friends with benefits.

I bet the title made you look.
Don't worry, I'm not talking about those sort of benefits.
Over the past 8 years I have friended or followed dozens of people within the eating disorders community.  The forums and groups were a safe place to go, not judging, always there and often gave helpful advice and reassurance. (Although I am writing this after being shot down for saying something on a group)

There was always a downside.  Depending on how entrenched I was in my eating disorder I would follow people for the wrong reasons.
I would look at photos of very thin girls, 'thinsperation' as it is known in the pro-Ana community.
I have never been pro-Ana but the pull towards those people was always strong.

Over the years I have learnt that these relationships are not always healthy.  I have always been open to others, made myself available online to those who need to talk but sometimes that needs to stop.
I often go through Facebook and have a friend cull. There's never any malice involved but If I find someones behaviours or attitude too triggering or negative I need to say goodbye.
If there is little benefit to the relationship then they need to go.  I'm sure at times people have done that to me and that's OK.  Its about what is right for you and what is beneficial.
I know I could just stop following but there is always the risk of taking a little peek. A risk I cannot take.

I now have a select number of friends from the ed community on social media, these are my friends with benefits.  Friends from all over the world, people I trust and many I am honoured to have met.
Let me tell you about a few of them...........

Jenn Friedman.
A lovely woman from Brooklyn, New York who I stumbled across in 2010 on an eating disorders recovery forum. She is an amazing writer, singer songwriter and pianist. 
Jenn was part of a blogging group which fuelled my passion for writing.  She and several others took part in a recovery blogging challenge where we were given daily prompts, and shared online.
It was amazing to hear others voices and totally changed my views on a possible recovery.
Her recent album and book she published are pride of place on my bookshelf.  She has the voice of an angel.
I was lucky to meet Jenn in 2016 on her first visit to the UK.  She was everything and more than I expected.  I took her to Glastonbury for the day and we laughed and laughed. I love her accent, the way she says bathroom, how she felt comfortable enough to rest her head on my shoulder on the long bus journey home.  I laughed at her misunderstanding when I said 'Mary Quant.' She is a joy to be around.  I'm sorry she left her cake in the shop but happy that I taught her how to swear in a northern accent.
Jen is now studying in London and we plan to meet next month in Bath.  I cant wait.

Kathryn

I have been chatting to Kathryn online since 2016.  We were both struggling with our eating disorder and at different stages of contemplation.  We were a good support for each other.

I smile when I think of the late night chats, the drunken facetimes and the deep conversations one Christmas day. I was honest with Kathryn and I think she respected that.  I even got away with calling her a knob.

I love the fact that Kathryn savours ever moment with her family, school holidays are full of good memories, she is a strong passionate woman who would do anything for her family.  I value Kathryn's input but she has yet to tell me why shes goes with the nickname of Bruce!

A few weeks ago I took the plunge and travelled to Liverpool to meet her.  A bit strange you may think. Meet a random person and stay at her house.  Isn't that something that my Mother warned me about?

Thankfully she wasn't an axe wielding murderer, just a very friendly, cocktail loving Scouser with a lovely family.

She was an amazing host and I was made to feel at ease as soon as I got to Liverpool.

We had so much in common, even down to her getting ready to go out playlist. I spent a great day with the children and an even better night out hitting the bright lights of Liverpool with K and her Hubby.

We laughed about the 'urban legend' who was a real person, Purple Ackey the bogeyman of Merseyside.  We sang along to the Greatest Showman and I was in awe of her banter with the taxi driver.............

Entertainment and alcohol aside, we clicked.  We had experienced similar things growing up and dealt with it in not so positive ways.  I was amazed at how relaxed I felt especially around food.  They were very accommodating and thoughtful. Her daughter even gave up her room for me, although I did end up with several soft toys and a little girl on the bed in the morning.

Thank you Kathryn and Dave for accepting me into your home.  You are a diamond.

Online friends can be beneficial.... but choose your friends wisely.  

it is what it is.

You look well?
 What the fuck does that mean?  Can you see inside my head? 
Society today is so hung up on personal appearance.  Photos are filtered, we can choose what to show to the rest of the world.
Social media shows what we want people to see, our perfect worlds, perfect friends, perfect lives.
Nobody really knows what is going on in others lives, its all a big fantasy. 

I live in a bubble, a bubble that my nurse once said she would pop.  My bubble keeps me safe, protects me from others and my own thoughts.
My illness is not all about weight.  If I was to gain 3 stone tomorrow would I be cured. Probably not.

Its not about wanting to stay ill, it's about knowing my limitations and how hard to push myself.
Hospital was a safe environment, one where I could weight restore and not have to deal with the aftermath of feelings on my own.  In the community is not so easy.

My therapist is working on compassion. Supporting me through trauma and all the feelings that sit alongside it.  Its tough.  We don't talk about food, how I'm managing my meal plan or how to move forward with weight gain.  I struggle with this but I am keeping myself safe.  My blood work is on the normal scale, I know what foods to eat to make sure I am getting the right nutrients.  My dietitian is happy.

Food restriction keeps me in control of my emotions, eating sends me into turmoil.
I often overeat and seek permission from my Husband that its OK to do so and I'm not greedy.  He tells me if I'm hungry to eat, this is normal behaviour and I need it. Rice Krispies are currently my go to food.
I have been open about my urges to purge or exercise and have admitted to times when the urges have been so strong I have lost control.
I am pulled in all directions and the slightest thing can send me into over thinking and fight or flight mode.
I need to talk about this as soon as it happens but does that make me needy?  Do I need to validate every single thought.
I hate my brain at the moment but this is all part of my recovery.  I hate how I'm feeling, that I'm not in control of my emotions, that I can break down at the slightest thing and want to run away from it all.
I have the crisis team number and I have come close at times to calling them.....I haven't needed to as I have managed to ride it through.  Not easy in a public place.
Thank you to those who told me last night that they liked my top.

My illness is not all about weight.....It is what it is.

xx

Advent Calendar. Day 19. Me, Me, Me.

The Christmas List that Counts...

I and Me

"You always need to have your best interest at heart.

That doesn't mean become a selfish bitch. It means putting yourself first."

~ Author Unknown ~

Looking after your own well-being is a priority, especially at one of the busiest and stressful times of the year.  There is so much expectation especially as a Mother to make Christmas 'the best.'

When I have been unwell I have had to make myself a  priority at Christmas often disregarding others wishes.  Christmas can be an extremely stressful and isolating time of the year for those with eating disorders or mental health problems. So much emphasis is placed on food, drink and socialising.  Everywhere you look there are chocolates, snacks, cakes...its endless and can be frightening and thought consuming.  You can become isolated from others whilst avoiding situations surrounding food, its easier to just refuse invites rather than try and make excuses not too eat!

Not any more for me : )  

So how did I look after myself this Christmas?

I bought all my veg pre-washed and pre-cooked saving on all prep time.

My baking trays were disposable to save on washing up.

I ate as much or little as I wanted whenever I wanted.

I accepted help from others.

Word of the Day. Day 12 and 13 Crowd & Perfect

Crowd

My voice is not heard above the crowd,

I shout for help but the voice is too loud,

its all around me, I cannot breathe.

I am crushed by the oppression of the disease,

I look around, there's no one to see.

I panic, I just want to be free,

No crowds, just me but I cant escape,

Am I dreaming, will they be gone when I awake.

Jackie

Many times during my eating disorder I felt almost crushed by the presence of my illness, as if I was being suffocated, but also isolated and not heard. I would be crowded by the negative thoughts, the insecurities, the lack of self esteem and still feel completely alone. But I am not alone.  I have a brilliant support network of loving family and friends who I know I can call on when needed.  I no longer feel suffocated, or crushed but can breathe deeply and exhale.

Perfectly Me

I'm going slightly grey, 

distinguished some may say.

With crows feet round my eyes,

and dimples on my chin..and thighs!!!

By boobs are going south,

I have a very big mouth,

I have stretch marks on my tum,

as a reminder of the birth of my Son.

My bottoms like a peach,

and my toes I can still reach.

My eyes are a wonderful shade of blue,

I'm perfectly me 

and you re perfectly you.

Jackie