Must do better.

The past week has been exhausting. I tried to put the anger I felt after I was dismissed from my job into something positive.  I emailed the company suggesting they revised the way they support staff with a mental health problem, and received the bog standard ' we take all our employees health and well being seriously' email back.

I have been trying to focus on the positives after going through a week of emotions and separating them from the facts. Although I may not agree with their decision, I understand why they made it.

Today I received another blow. 

My care coordinator/eating disorder nurse who has been working with me since late 2016 has made the decision to transfer my care to Dom my therapist. This is not all bad as we have a good therapist/patient relationship but unfortunately the sessions are time limited.

My nurses reasoning for the change, is that I am not managing weight restoration and have only maintained for the past few weeks.

After my discharge from Hospital (that's for another blog post) I agreed to reach a certain BMI, this was unsuccessful so the goal was decreased and then we compromised on a  maintenance weight.

Although I am engaging in weekly therapy, I know if my weight drops, cognitively I will not be able engage properly as starvation has a detrimental effect on the brain and your way of thinking. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't know this was coming.

NHS waiting lists for eating disorder outpatient treatment are long and although the ed team in Somerset has increased over the past 8 years they still struggle.

So where does that leave me now?  

I feel sadness at the loss of my support; failure that I was unable to stick to my meal plan; guilt that I have let my friends and family down; not good enough, rejected and alone.

Above all I feel scared. Very scared. 

I understand the reasoning behind the decision, (must try harder) and am trying to use wise mind as opposed to emotional mind.

Someone on a facebook group said to me, 'Please don't take it personally or use it as a reason to mistreat yourself.'  She is very right. I did not use my 'go to' behaviours instead I used compassion and kindness towards myself, something I struggle with daily.

Tomorrow is another day, another small step, another learning curve.

If all I can do at the moment is keep myself safe then that is enough. 

Must do better.

January 12th. Say NO to Body Shaming.

How often has someone tagged you in a photo of you on a Social media site when you were looking less than your best?  Maybe they caught you mid yawn, you hadn't shaved your legs, your jeans were a little too tight, your buttons were gaping on your shirt, you were showing a bit of 'side boob,' or even worse you had 4 boobs due to your breasts escaping from the ill fitting bra!! Remember how that made you feel? Did you laugh it off and let it stay on your timeline for all to see or did you shudder and immediately remove the tag, a vowing to never step out of the door without a full face of make-up and beautifully coiffured hair again?

You have a choice.....  other people don't seem to!

I have recently noticed on a few of my friends timelines, especially on the dreadful 'spotted' sites, the trend in posting photos of individuals, usually women with the main aim of mocking the way they look. Isn't it bad enough that we slag off how celebrities look through the media, that now we are starting to judge those we pass in the street. Seriously, who made you the fashion police?

Shaming someone because of their size or the way they dress is no different to bullying. Imagine how you would feel if that photo taking on a drunken Saturday night with panda eyes, ripped tights and boobs hanging out of your top was circulated across the Internet for all to mock??  If you're ok about that then good on you, if not then think on!!

The change starts with you...... say no to body shaming and challenge.

Stretch Marks, Back Fat And All Things Body Gossip.

The past few weeks have been really hectic with training for a walking Marathon, the emotional turmoil of dealing with my Eldest Sisters diagnosis of Cancer and the weekend travelling to London to visit and offer support. In between all this I have been collecting spoken word interviews from a diverse group of people for the new Body Gossip show due to be scripted for the South Bank Centre in London in October.... and this is what I want to tell you about.
Body Gossip want to showcase our real body thoughts, how we feel about our bodies, what influences us, what we would change if we could, what we find attractive in a partner and a whole lot more.
So far I have spoken to a wide cross section of people. Both genders, a variety of ages, cultures, sizes and races. A lot of what people had to say I expected, but there was a lot which surprised me, saddened me and made me laugh. We spoke about boobs, bums, stretch marks, tattoos, scars, labia's, tummy's,belly buttons, willies, fat, the media and so much more.

So far I have interviewed a woman of 65 who is a naturist.
A Mother (47) with her Sister (30) and 2 children (23+26)
A married couple in their early 60's.
A Mother of 2 who is a pole fitness instructor.
A Man who has lost an incredible amount of weight using a commercial weight loss plan.
2 young men both aged 24.
A woman of 21.
4 women between the ages of 20-35 who are members of the W.I,
Each person had their own unique story to tell, whether it was focused on childbirth, weight loss or acceptance of how they look, each was as important as the other.

One of the people mentioned above was Mitch who lost over 11 stone. At first I had reservations over meeting him. I knew him locally as the front man in a few local bands, but I had my doubts as he was a consultant for a major weight loss company.
I met him in the consulting rooms at his 'wellbeing centre.'  Initially my first reaction to this room was negative. I was faced with a pair of weighing scales in the middle, floor to ceiling of weight loss products and artificial models of pounds of fat on a bookcase!! This was everything that I was not about.
I wanted to turn on my heels and run away but instead I sat my lycra clad bottom (in my running gear) on his leather sofa and sweated it out.
I can safely say I made the right choice. Mitch is an amazing man. He has totally turned his life around and made a lifestyle change for the better.
My regular readers know my opinions on massive diet corporations but I am pleased that Mitch has a balanced view. He recognises the connections between food, thinking and emotions, he doesn't promote a quick fix but takes a holistic approach.
He also has an amazing sense of humour and isn't afraid to talk about his Willie ;) Thanks Mitch xxx

The second group of people I want to tell you about are the Shoreditch Sisters who are a Women's Institute group in east London.
Now if you are like me, your experience of the W.I would be watching the film Calendar Girls or the TV programme, 'Jam & Jerusalem.' So imagine my surprise when I looked at their blog and found vulva patchwork quilts and chocolate clitoris cupcakes!!
Seriously though, these group of women are amazing. Sitting alongside the cycling, crocheting and tie-dyeing are the campaigns against violence towards women and  female genital mutilation.
I met Lauren, Jamila, Martha & Emily in a park in Shoreditch in East London. We found a quiet area and sat on a blanket chatting about parts of your body that generally don't come up in polite conversation. The interviews were entertaining, inspiring and so interesting it was a while before I noticed a man was lying next to us, covering his ears and wailing loudly each time Emily mentioned her boobs!!!
Our time went so quickly, and it was only when my recording device was losing battery I realised we had been there for nearly 4 hours!! Thank you to the Shoreditch Sisters for an informative and fun afternoon and to Jamila's lovely dog, you are forgiven for peeing on my suitcase :)

The deadline for submissions for The Body Gossip Play is the end of August. I have a few more interviews booked in, but if you fancy taking part, either drop me a line, or clink on the Body Gossip link.

BodyLove

On Friday 28th July at 1 pm in London I shall be taking part in the first ever Body Love  Flash-mob organised by Body Gossip.  For those of you who have never heard of Body Gossip, it is a positive body image campaign  run by the wonderful Ruth Rogers & Natasha Devon who work endlessly to banish body shame and encourage everyone to be the best version of themselves (no cover versions here.)  I talk about them here, here and here.

I was first inspired by Body Gossip after coming across a video on you tube called 'This one is For You.' It was a poem written by a young woman with anorexia and amongst other things was what started me on my journey of discovery and writing. It has taken me a very long time to really appreciate myself for who I am as a person, and possibly even longer to see past the physical imperfections that I, like many others, may have focused on.  Body bashing can seriously damage your self esteem, so can full length mirrors and communal changing rooms!!!

Body Gossip are actively doing something to stop this. They are showing the great British public that you can be proud of who you are, no excuses, just un-apologetically you!

Since 2006 Body Gossip have made many other videos, been on TV with Gok Wan himself, published a book containing body stories from the general public as well as celebs, brought out their own range of 'rocking' T-Shirts and now the Flash-Mob.

Why a Flash-Mob you may ask?

Well, Body Gossip are asking us to write on a heart,the name of  a part of our body that we love,and show it to the world through twitter and facebook. This is a statement to show all those companies, magazines, who for financial gain constantly make us feel we are not good enough, not thin enough, not young enough, not firm enough that actually, yes we are enough....... because we are who we are, we are individuals, we are beautiful and we are unique. To quote Natasha Devon, we 'rock our own brand of gorgeous.'

So on Friday, I shall be joining a lot of other gorgeous people and I will be shouting out that I love my Bum :)

Why don't you join me and fight back against body shame. Say yes to Body Love.

kiss my ass :)

I was driven to write this blog by the influx of weight loss promotional crap that I have come across on the book of face this evening and I have to say I am truly peed off with it!!!

As I look at the rather unflattering picture here of me taken yesterday on a charity 5k run I see the following;

strength, determination and positivity. I can see past the extra inches I am carrying around my waist, the double chin or the thighs which have thankfully doubled in size over the past 2 years. That is no longer important. What is important is how I feel about myself, how I see myself and that is so much more than fitting into a size 8 jeans (UK size ;)

Now I will tell you I committed the immortal sin recently. I weighed myself!!! Not because I was concerned, but because I was interested. I have not known my weight for a very long time. 

I needed to know how my weight would affect me, I know that could have been a risk but in the back of my mind I always stayed positive, not about the number, but about my reaction.

I also knew that for total recovery I needed to know how this affected me and I was pleased :)

My weight is the heaviest it has ever been, except when I was pregnant, and I am OK with that. The number had no effect on me whatsoever. It has made no difference to who I am, how I feel about myself....apart from I now can evidence that I am seriously worth so much more than a number.

Today I saw an advert on a bus saying, 'do you feel like the back of a bus,'well my ass may be growing and catching the bus up, but what I have to say to you and to facebook ads is, I love my ass, I don't want to buy your slimming exercise pants, I love me, so kiss this :)

Mental Health Awareness Week, Exercise is good for the mind.

This post should have been written yesterday if not even earlier in the week, but that just about sums up how my week has been!!!  I had it mentally written it in my head at about 2 am this morning and at that point should have acted on it.  After a particularly stressful and busy day at work I came home with the beginnings of a migraine. Trying to kick it into touch I decided to go to bed at 5 pm  waking at 9.30 pm and subsequently was unable to sleep for the majority of the night.

Not a good start to my first aid training today. I'm sure at one point my lack of interest and droopy eyes would have given the instructor good reason to confuse me with the resuscitation dummy. The only visible difference was that I had legs!!

Anyway, back to the reasons behind this post. This week has been Mental Health Awareness Week, and the theme being Exercise and Well-being I thought I could share my recent experiences of exercise and fitness and the benefits to your mental health.

To a lot of people you mention exercise, and visions come to them of testosterone packed gyms, sweaty bodies, pumping iron or pounding the pavements. There is so much emphasis put on the body beautiful, the visual, improving your physique, getting a flat stomach or 'bikini body' and fat burning. What about reducing your risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, osteoporosis or keep your body and mind active?  Not forgetting the social aspect, enjoyment and fun. Yes.... exercise and fitness can actually be fun. Have you ever tried Zumba?

Whats going on inside of your skeleton is more important than what you look like outside of it!

I originally signed up with a personal trainer because I needed to get my body back to the strength it was before I had an operation, and also because I needed to tone up the muscles which hadn't been used due to immobility. I was aware of concerns friends had due to my history of eating disorders but was confident in my ability to be mindful of what I could achieve, and I was the one in control......or rather Phil the trainer was!

So for the past 3 weeks I have been out twice a week if not more being pushed and motivated to run, walk, jog, punch, lift kettle bells, plank, crunch, squat and various other punishing exercises. I have no idea if I have  changed my body in any way shape or form yet but what I do know is this,

* I have a great sense of achievement from reaching a goal, however small.

* I feel like I am looking after my body rather than abusing it.

* Despite the often hard routines I laugh and keep my sense of humour.

*When I have had a bad it gets rid of my tensions and angst.

* It helps me to sleep better.

* It increases my mood and energy level.

*I have an increasingly healthy appetite!

*My lung capacity has increased.

* I am motivated :)

What a brilliant list of things that improve my mental health and well being without taking medication, drinking excessively, smoking or eating too much or too little. 

Other things I have learnt from exercising:

* regardless of the size of your boobs 2 sports bras are better than one.

* star jumps are no good if you haven't done pelvic floor exercises after childbirth!

*The man on the seafront likes to watch me do chest presses so now I face his lounge window :)

*Kettle bells hurt if you hit yourself in the leg.

* My coordination is crap but makes it funny.

*When Phil says'duck' move your head out of the way or you may get hit.

* visualise someones face on the pad when boxing, I can guarantee a stronger punch.

*Star jumps are better if you sing YMCA along to them.

* The hokey cokey can be sang along to most exercises.

*When I do squats I look like I'm having a poo.

*Lycra is never attractive......end of!

*apparently I gurn a lot.

* I look like I'm having sex when doing several floor movements. (not sure how Phil knows this)

*I say, "I can't" a lot, then do it and swear.

*I like to run up grass banks, but get a little scared going back down.

So there you have it. Exercise is fun and good for you, but know your limitations. On that point I must share I'm having a week off as I've knackered my knee. My exercise this week will involve lifting a glass to my mouth and pointing the remote at the TV. Have a good weekend.

What Are You Going To Teach Your Sons?

As I write this I think of the young Woman in America, brutally violated by two Men, judged and mocked by her peers and now courageously trying to get her precious life back together. 

I am saddened by the pity and compassion given to the perpetrators over the loss of their future, whilst showing total disregard for the future of their victim. I was sickened by the tears they shed in court when they caused pain and suffering to another human being who will be crying silently inside probably for the rest of her life. 

I am disillusioned in our society......

As I Mother I strive to protect my child regardless of their age, I cannot imagine the pain her Mum must be feeling knowing there was nothing she could have done to prevent the hurt to her Daughter.

I wonder too how the Mothers of the 2 young Men must be feeling........In the words of the poet Andrea Gibson, 'What are you going to teach your Sons?'

Andrea Gibson-Blue Blanket

A face For Radio

Today was my radio interview to promote my book, and I made a joke of 'having the face for radio' before I went in. Many years ago I would have believed this. As a little girl I dreamed of the knight in shining armour, being a beautiful princess and living happily ever after.

In reality I was not pleasing to the eye, was rather skinny, lanky, geeky, wore glasses and un-fashionable clothing. I was a magnet for the name callers, those who possibly had as low self-esteem as myself and those who just liked to abuse others for fun!!

Quite ironically, Emma the presenter picked out the poem The Weight Of Your Words to read. The ending being, 'which words do you carry with you each day?'  I spent years carrying the negativity, the words which battered me black and blue, made me cower in corners and fearful of those I trusted...... but not any more.

Now my beauty is more than the way I wear my hair, the make-up I apply or the clothes I use to frame my body. My beauty is in the compassion I feel for others, my confidence In who I am, my zest for life and what it throws at me.  Maybe its time others took a look at their perception of beauty.

Before & After

My Sister And I

Whilst trying to promote my book I was approached by a company who research and sell 'human interest,' stories to Womens magazines in the UK. Most of my UK readers may recognise the likes of 'Take a break,' 'Chat,' 'Bella' and 'Womens Own.' Now these are magazines that in the past I have bought and at times poured through every article looking for diets and advice on how to be a better woman on the outside!!  They are filled with pieces on lifestyle choices, cosmetic surgery gone wrong, how to drop a dress size, have a better sex life, find a man,woman or dog. They tell us who is in or out in the celeb world, whilst pointing out all their wrinkles, muffin tops and bad hair days. Shock horror probe, skinny celeb papped eating doughnut!!  Is this really news? Is this really what we are about?

Forgive my rambles, the point being whilst the researcher was in fact interested in my book and story, the sad thing was that the Magazines would want photographs of when I was ill!  Why?  What purpose was this for other than to sensationalise the story of a woman who had an eating disorder. We all know what someone looks like emaciated for goodness sake, what people are not aware of is that not all sufferers of an eating disorder are underweight.  And just because someone was thin and is now looking a little more healthy does not mean they are recovered!

The whole point of my book was to raise awareness as well as money for an eating disorders charity, not to plaster photos that could trigger others who were vulnerable.

I spoke to my Sister about the photos this evening and she was correct in pointing out that I do have photos on my face book account. Yes I do, but they are there alongside my friends and family making good memories, and there they shall stay.  Within my control.

The Cupcake Queen Bites Back is available on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

Judgement free zone

I have possibly spent most of my childhood being judged either by those who thought they knew what was best for me or those who actually don't know me at all.

I was judged on the area I lived, the things I owned, the clothes I wore, my height, my weight, the glasses I needed to wear, my school grades, the religion I followed,my friends, my family, the list is endless.  As a child you believe what is said about you because you trust those people, you have nothing else to compare to.  You look up to them and believe their word is practically God.  Why would you think anything less? When whatever you give is not enough, what's the point in striving for anything greater?

If only it was so easy to not  listen, to feel confident to question, and  to not carry the baggage around with us throughout our adult life.

I believed I was stupid and would never amount to anything.  I could never imagine that anyone could love me never mind find me attractive. In a way I compensated with my lack of 'looks' by being a bit of a clown, the chatterbox, when inwardly I  was terrified of people seeing the real me, just in case they disliked me even more.  Over the years I fed my fears with more judgments, this time coming from myself.  I would over think situations adding more negativity to what was zero self esteem, how on earth was I expecting others to love me when I had so much disgust and disregard for myself?

How I got to where I am now is difficult to pinpoint. It has been through learning and compassion for myself and others.  Forgiveness is a word which I have used many times and is something I truly believe in.  I do not bear grudges, I see no point in dragging things out, life is too short.  I believe in accepting your life for what has been, trusting your instinct, never being afraid to ask for help and valuing the positives around you. 

I have Fat

Yes, you heard me correctly, 'I have fat.'  Its started creeping up slowly, coating the tops of my thighs, cushioning my bottom and giving me a tummy which represents more of a cottage loaf than a muffin top!

I've noticed my chin is starting to get a little comfy and is inviting its friend to join it. My back appears to be growing boobs of its own and all in time for wearing a slinky little number at Christmas.

Am I OK with this? Yes and no.....

I'm not going to start getting depressed, living on lettuce and power walking to work. I will rationalise my thoughts and put this into perspective.  

We all have fat, some more than others.  We need a certain amount of fat to keep us warm, protect our internal organs and store energy.  Unfortunately my fat appears to have settled rather unevenly, so what can I do about it?

I will certainly not diet, I like cake and cider too much :)

Exercise is difficult at the moment due to hip pain.

The only way forward is acceptance, this is part of me and will stay here until it is ready to shift sensibly.

My belly does not make me have a bad day at work, it doesn't stop my family and friends from loving me, it doesn't affect my ability to enjoy myself on an evening out.

I have fat, I am not fat.

More on 'Fat.' http://bubbleicious-thediaryofacupcakequeen.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/hungry-for-change-day-16.html

Holding On

Holding on

Sinking deeper, losing air, dragged down.

Pressure, tight against my chest,

Trapped, enclosed, no way of escaping.

You are there,

When I reach the pit, the depth of despair,

You are there,

When I achieve my goal,

You are there when I feel small,

Waiting for the fall, the trip up, the relapse.

You lift me up with your actions,

you inspire me with your words,

You believe,

You trust,

You love.....

In me,

For me,

With me,

Holding on to your words,

Your actions,

Your faith in me.....

Thank you.

The Weight of Your Words

Picture- 'The weight Of Your Words,' Julie De Waroquier
"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." 
~ Rudyard Kipling

Ugly, Stupid, Freak, 
Wicked, Pathetic, Meek,
Bad, Unworthy, Fat,
Bad and smelly Brat.

Clever, kind, delightful,
Gorgeous, caring, not spiteful,
Confident, Smart, Pretty,
Beautiful, Talented and Witty.

Which words do you remember and carry with you each day?
Which words affect your judgements and what you do and say?

Original versus Cover Version.

It doesn't matter how you dress it up, how you change the packaging or adapt the harmonies, a copy is never quite the same.

Take for example the simple but delicious 'Jaffa Cake.' There are many alternative versions or carbon copies of this tea time treat, granted cheaper but often thinner and less tangy that leave you with a feeling of dissatisfaction and urge to raid the biscuit barrel.

What about music?  The question was given to me about  cover versions versus original pieces and which are better.

From a listeners point of view, I would generally go with what I already know. Very similar to buying an album. I may listen to the few that I am familiar with and skip the rest. Music is an interactive experience, its pretty difficult to sing a long with a piece you don't know especially if you are seeing a band.  I'm talking local bands here, not massive stadium fillers that have plenty of air play! 

With established popular artists I maintain,'If its not broke don't try to fix it!' but how flattering to have someone like your style so much that they want to emulate it.

From a musicians point of view, especially small scale bands/artistes, it must be difficult if not scary to move away from covers and find their own genre. A local band, Vermin have been established in my Town for many years now.  They have a punk background and perform mostly original songs with a humorous but real edge to them, my particular favourite being 'emo jeans.'   Their originality draws on experience, emotion and passion and this shows in their performance. The only downside is their playlist doesn't change often, drawback of having a day job I presume.

So what about  ourselves and our individuality? We are constantly bombarded with messages from the media and our peers about how we should look, what we should wear, what we should be listening to.

What is stopping us from being who we are? Growing up and particularly our teenage years can be hard and painful to deal with, the slightest deviation from what society calls the 'norm' just plunges us into yet another stereotypical 'group.'
The ability to embrace oneself for the individual that you are is empowering. To feel safe and comfortable in your skin without worrying about  negative reactions or attentions from others is not something you learn overnight. Children are not born with good self esteem as if it is part of their genetic make up, they develop it.  Self esteem is influenced from nurturing, experiences, support and has a huge effect on an individuals perception of themselves.
So how do you become yourself as opposed to a 'cover version.?'
Treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness, accept your past mistakes and move on, embrace the way you look, dress, move and speak. Above all, surround yourself with positive people, friends who want to be with 'you,' because you are you.

Who am I?

I'm sure we have all asked ourselves the same question. Who am I?  If we answer this ourselves which I have done previously, we end up with a list of life roles and often not so flattering adjectives to describe  ourselves.  The list would be different dependant on where we are in our life but more often than not it is easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

If I was to answer this question a few years ago the answers would be oceans apart from how I feel now.

Whilst in a depression and in the grips of an eating disorder good self esteem was way down there along with eating 3 squares meal a day.  I hated myself. Everything about me; what I represented; how I looked just filled me with disgust.  I felt useless, worthless, angry, bad, dirty, guilty......the list is endless. I saw traits in myself during this period that I would never have chosen in a friend so why should they have been accepting of me?  At times I didn't recognise myself.

The process from then until now was slow and  hard. It took strength and courage to revisit and accept things which had happened in the past, a willingness to change my behaviours and a decent support network to help me through the emotional and physical changes as well as any setbacks.   Every traumatic weigh-in, tears over meal plans and the nagging e.d. voice in my head has been worth the journey to recovery.

So who am I now?  I asked 2 close friends to describe me in two words.  I have been given beautiful (twice) funny and effervescent. Interesting Ladies,thank you :)

Beautiful.  What is beauty?  Again this is something I have blogged about before. If were talking aesthetic beauty then first thing in the morning I'm very dodgy' but give me a bit of make-up and I don't scrub up too badly. I see beauty as something deeper than our facial features, the love a person radiates, the selflessness of an action, the emotion between friends.

Funny. Now this could mean funny as amusing, or funny as in strange or weird!!!  I will go with the amusing.

I can get a bit carried away with myself at times and I know I can be loud.  I have tried to curb this unsuccessfully! People constantly ask me I I am OK, am I ill, Is something wrong? Obviously being loud and funny is how I should be......although at times I can be very shy.

Effervescent.  Bubbly and fizzy like a bath bomb or a bottle of bollinger.

I am a person who has hit rock bottom and come out the other side. Despite the traumas this has changed me in a positive way.  I try to see the good in people and to not judge on appearance. Everyone has a past but it does not have to define their future' it certainly shouldnt define how we respond to them.

I am happy with my life, positive about my future and accepting of my body.

‘For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.’  Audrey Hepburn

Exquisite beauty imprisoned once more.

Exquisite beauty, imprisoned once more.

As she slumps by the toilet and falls to the floor,

The demons inside her she needs to get out,

Her strength and her value she's starting to doubt.

The cycle begins, the hate has no end,

This demon inside her she see as her friend,

She hurts her frail body to gain some release,

When all that she wants is some love and some peace.

The battle continues 'til someone gives in,

I will love myself when I become thin,

Say the demons within until you say 'No.'

'This is not my life, not how I want to go.'

Exquisite beauty, imprisoned no more,

As she picks herself up from the bathroom floor,

And she says 'this is my life, not yours to kill.'

'I am beautiful, I am worth it and  live it I will.'

Jackie 2012

personality

Personality

What you see is what you get,

A girl who likes a cider and a cigarette,

I talk too much, and far to quick,

and after a while I will get on your wick.

I'm very impulsive and like to take chances,

I love music, laughter and disco dances,

I can be quite anxious and occasionally dim,

I'm often smutty but act nice and prim :)

I'm creative, and gregarious,

just wish my joke were hilarious,

I'm passionate, loyal and trusting,

but sometimes I smell disgusting xx

Week One-Tuesday-Mental Aspects

 There was a time when I could tell you all the bad things about me.  How I was not skinny enough, was ugly, unworthy, undeserving and  stupid. I would look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted by what looked back at me, not all the time but when I was feeling pretty low.
I had never had much confidence, particularly around new people or situations, had horrendous low self esteem and self image all of which I think contributed to issues with depression and eating disorders throughout my adult life.  I am so thankful that I no longer feel this way.
I cannot emphasise how important that we recognise and validate our emotions and feelings.  I know that I have used my eating disorder in the past to feel numb, to stop myself from feeling the hurt of betrayal, the pain of bereavement, the loss of friendship.  I didn't want to accept that what I was feeling was real, but all that happened was it cut deeper into me, making me more ill, more depressed and sending me into a spiral of behaviours that were destroying my life.
I came across a diary that I had written in 2010 and it is painful to read. I wasn't dealing with the emotions I was feeling in a positive way, I wasn't nurturing my body or  my mind.
It has only been since completing the challenges over the past few months that I realised I was still trying to deal with some things I was feeling.  This time I approached them head on and told someone. It helped, just to write it down and press 'send,'  I'm so glad I did.

So how did I stop feeling so bad about myself..........

Discourage Fat talk amongst yourself and your friends.

I ditched the bathroom scales.

Take responsibility and act on it.

Forgive yourself and others before it eats away at you.

Speak up.....

Glossy Magazines

Sensationalising Eating Disorders

I wrote on this subject during the May Bloggers challenge entitled 'Reality Check,'. I have chosen to go back to this today after being shown a link to a webpage for a company who sells stories to womens' magazines. I have come across this company before when I was asked to contribute towards spreading awareness during eating disorders week.  They were very keen to take on my story until I refused any before or after photographs.  This of course wasn't sensational enough, they wanted the 'Oh my god,' factor to sell magazines and ultimately make money on the back of 'doing something positive.'
I have no issue with people selling their stories, only good can come out of education on how horrific and damaging an eating disorder can be to a sufferer and their families/carers.  This is what we do within pro recovery communities, give hope to others. I do not think posting photographs of severely thin ill people achieves anything positive or gives a message of hope, and these  photos were posted alongside the story.
Their mission statement states, they value themselves on honesty and integrity. Yes they were honest enough, but integrity? I don't think so.  I questioned their integrity today, and asked if they were aware of the impact of posting these type of photos had on sufferers. They said they would be discussing both sides of the story next week!  I will be interested to say their discussion.

Affirmations

I was moved by this line from the film, 'The Help,'  It is spoken by the character 'Aibeleen' to the child which is  in her care. 'Baby Girl,' is shown very little love or affection by her Mother and is treated badly.  Aibeleen tells the young girl every day how important she is, and when 'Baby Girl,' is able to speaks she has her repeating the affirmation 'You is kind, you is smart, you is important.'
As Children we believe what our role models tell us. We trust their words, their decisions, their actions. This early learning makes us the adults we are today. The words can either make us or break us!
I used to think that affirmations were a load of hippy none-sense.  How can telling ourselves something daily make us feel positive about ourselves?  Telling ourselves we were ugly, fat, stupid, worthless worked didn't it? So why not turn it on its head.  Say it, believe it, live it.  Go on, after me.

I am kind, I am smart, I am Important.

I am beautiful.

I am worth it.

http://weighingthefacts.blogspot.co.uk/p/bedtime-affirmations-for-recovery.html