Should they stay or should they go?

I was prompted to write this after reading a friends blog on weighing.

Since finishing my treatment at hospital my scales have disappeared and reappeared more times than I can remember .

After being discharged I agreed to not have scales in the house again.  As expected, I did not stick to this.

It generally started as me asking for them for one day, just so I knew in advance of any appointments.

Initially I would give then back to Kev to put back in their hidey place but eventually the pull to know what I weighed became too strong and the scales stayed put.

My therapist has now refused to weigh me at sessions whilst I continue to abuse the scales at home.

This sounds fair to me and saves me from the anxiety of weigh days.

He asked me if it was helpful to keep weighing myself and I disputed all his arguments.  I of course being in complete control....note the sarcasm.

So I am now sat here contemplating my need, my desire to constantly weigh myself.  What is the benefit?  Does it make me feel any better about myself?  What is the worst that can happen if I don't step on the scales?

I think it has now become a part of my day alongside adding up calories, making sure I've burned a certain amount walking and don't go over my intake or under my outgoing.

I have tried to manage without but I need to know what is happening to my body.

I can't cope with my clothes being tighter, I feel disgust at the changes in my body, the flab on my stomach, my thighs getting closer, It doesn't feel like me anymore.

The scales tell me what is OK and what isn't.  How much I can eat today or how much I need to walk.

I have a buffer zone.  A window of 7 pounds, a number I will not go over and a number  I know safely, I cannot go under.

I have kept my safety zone for around the past 8 months and feel safe and in control of this.

The thought of changing this alongside starting trauma therapy is just too much at the moment.

This might sound really negative or that I'm not trying but that's not the case.  Its a balancing act.

Maybe this is something I need to discuss with my therapist?

Dear Body. Part 3

I was going to write about our recent travels, but thought I would reply to my last 'letter' found here.
In a way it fits in with parts of my holiday, but I will fill you in with that later.

Dear Body,

Thank you for listening to me and reminding me of how important you are.  I will try and listen to you and remember the good times.
I understand that I don't treat you as well as you deserve and I'm glad that you reminded me of this.
I don't mean to hurt you, but sometimes I am so overwhelmed with shame I just don't know how to deal with it.
You are my punchbag.
I question if trying to shape you into something different has any benefit to me at all, or has it been so long that I'm scared to step outside of my comfort zone?
I will be taking you on holiday soon.  I cannot promise that I won't give you a hard time, but I will try not to put you under too much pressure or compare you with other bodies.
I need to be building you up, not knocking you down.

I have had many comments on how slim you are and that makes me feel good.
How does it make you feel when I keep you hungry and wear you out?
How do you feel when I eat too much and go to bed feeling sick?
When you shout back at me, is that you or is it in my head?
How do you feel when I argue back?
So many unanswered questions tearing me in pieces.

Jackie

Dear Jackie

You may recall my 'Dear Body' post, if you haven't read it, you can find it here.
After writing to my Body I then had to respond as my body.  All seems a bit weird you may think, talking to myself, but the process was quite empowering.
Again I tried not to overthink what I was asked to do, but thought of it as me replying to a friend.

 Dear Jackie,

You were so small and vulnerable when you were born.  I wasn't sure you would survive but you battled on.  I wonder if sometimes you feel like that now?
I know you dislike me, you tell me often enough  You try to hurt me with your thoughts and actions but I'm still here for you and I won't let you down.  You are a fighter.
You tell me how much you hate your stomach.  You see fat and disgust.  I see a part of you which held your child close, a part of you which suffered physical pain for years and needed surgery to put right.
Don't be embarrassed or ashamed of your scars, they are part of your story.
You are so much more than what is looking back in the mirror.  Those scars on your hips show the pain you tolerated both physically and mentally.
You recovered from surgery and you pushed and pushed yourself until you passed that 26 mile mark.
I need to be cared for, loved, cherished and nourished. I know that one day you will feel this way towards me again.
Don't blame yourself for the things that have happened to me. Those things were out of your control, you didn't know any better.
Please, please try and treat me with the respect I deserve.  I hate to be in pain, especially in my head.
I would love to be friends with you again.

Your body xx

My dialogue with my body continues.  My next task is for my to again respond in a compassionate way.
Until next time.

it is what it is.

You look well?
 What the fuck does that mean?  Can you see inside my head? 
Society today is so hung up on personal appearance.  Photos are filtered, we can choose what to show to the rest of the world.
Social media shows what we want people to see, our perfect worlds, perfect friends, perfect lives.
Nobody really knows what is going on in others lives, its all a big fantasy. 

I live in a bubble, a bubble that my nurse once said she would pop.  My bubble keeps me safe, protects me from others and my own thoughts.
My illness is not all about weight.  If I was to gain 3 stone tomorrow would I be cured. Probably not.

Its not about wanting to stay ill, it's about knowing my limitations and how hard to push myself.
Hospital was a safe environment, one where I could weight restore and not have to deal with the aftermath of feelings on my own.  In the community is not so easy.

My therapist is working on compassion. Supporting me through trauma and all the feelings that sit alongside it.  Its tough.  We don't talk about food, how I'm managing my meal plan or how to move forward with weight gain.  I struggle with this but I am keeping myself safe.  My blood work is on the normal scale, I know what foods to eat to make sure I am getting the right nutrients.  My dietitian is happy.

Food restriction keeps me in control of my emotions, eating sends me into turmoil.
I often overeat and seek permission from my Husband that its OK to do so and I'm not greedy.  He tells me if I'm hungry to eat, this is normal behaviour and I need it. Rice Krispies are currently my go to food.
I have been open about my urges to purge or exercise and have admitted to times when the urges have been so strong I have lost control.
I am pulled in all directions and the slightest thing can send me into over thinking and fight or flight mode.
I need to talk about this as soon as it happens but does that make me needy?  Do I need to validate every single thought.
I hate my brain at the moment but this is all part of my recovery.  I hate how I'm feeling, that I'm not in control of my emotions, that I can break down at the slightest thing and want to run away from it all.
I have the crisis team number and I have come close at times to calling them.....I haven't needed to as I have managed to ride it through.  Not easy in a public place.
Thank you to those who told me last night that they liked my top.

My illness is not all about weight.....It is what it is.

xx

February 10th. BeYOUtiful warts and all.

As promised, an update on my makeover photoshoot last Saturday, written with Body Gossip  We Are Fabulous In February and Leyah Shanks Body Confidence in mind.

For those of you who are up to date with the UK weather, the south west of England is still being battered with heavy rainfall and strong winds.  Suffice to say after dodging the rain in between trains and taxis I turned up at the studio looking a little more 'weathered' than usual. 

I was initially very nervous but was greeted by a very bubbly lady who went through a questionnaire of the 'look' that I was hoping for and what colours, styles I liked or wanted to avoid.  I was as usual very indecisive but eventually went for the 'vintage' look.

After a glass of bubbly I was shown to the hair/make-up area and spent the next 'what seemed like an eternity,' having my hair 'fluffed up' and my face used as some sort of canvas.  I must admit, my first impression was a little shocking!!  I could only just keep my eyes open with the weight of eyeliner, mascara and eyeshadow, I felt like a china doll.

I was then met by Marcus, my photographer.  He was Italian and a bit of a cheeky chappy who did his best to make me feel comfortable.

I was shown to the studio where Marcus went through the outfits I had chosen.  2 pairs of stripper shoes, compulsory mans shirt, trilby, 2 pairs of pants that are barely worth wearing, 1 1950's style waist chincher, balconette scaffolding, a vintage style tea dress and not forgetting my hands to cover the bosoms.

We started off carefully, doing some simple head shots whilst wearing my dress....... and then the clothes started to come off.  Thankfully the studio was well heated.

The whole shoot took about an hour and I have to say I now have the up-most respect for photographic models.  Getting yourself into 'natural' looking poses is not that easy!! I was at first really self conscious but after a while I forgot there was anyone behind the camera, even when I was half naked attempting to look sexy in shoes I couldn't walk in and nearly fell off every time I changed position.

My highlight was laying across a bed, stretched out in underwear and feeling fabulous, I really didn't care, and that felt good.  

When Marcus finished the shoot with,'Jackie you can now put some decent clothes on,' I was straight in the bathroom cleaning the slap of my face.  I wanted to be naked again, but not in a clothing way.

It wasn't long before I was taken into the viewing room to watch a film reel of all my shots with Amy Winehouse 'Valerie' playing in the background.  I was really taken aback when I saw the photos.  My instant reaction was self criticism.  I started to pick myself to pieces but then I stopped myself.

The pictures I were looking at was actually me.

I had a vision in my head of the pose I wanted, the perfect  image I wanted to capture, the model picture I wanted to emulate but that wasn't me. I was the Woman on the screen. The bright, strong, slightly weathered but in her own way beautiful Woman.

I could see the cellulite on the tops of my thighs along with the stretch marks.  I could make out the dimpled skin and the scar from my hip operation.  I could have had all these flaws and imperfections airbrushed out, but I chose not to.  I chose not to because I am not that Woman in a glossy magazine.  I am not that Woman on a street billboard. I am not that Woman shouting out at you from your TV screen that you could look better.

I am me, a 40 something wife and Mother and I am enough.

January 12th. Say NO to Body Shaming.

How often has someone tagged you in a photo of you on a Social media site when you were looking less than your best?  Maybe they caught you mid yawn, you hadn't shaved your legs, your jeans were a little too tight, your buttons were gaping on your shirt, you were showing a bit of 'side boob,' or even worse you had 4 boobs due to your breasts escaping from the ill fitting bra!! Remember how that made you feel? Did you laugh it off and let it stay on your timeline for all to see or did you shudder and immediately remove the tag, a vowing to never step out of the door without a full face of make-up and beautifully coiffured hair again?

You have a choice.....  other people don't seem to!

I have recently noticed on a few of my friends timelines, especially on the dreadful 'spotted' sites, the trend in posting photos of individuals, usually women with the main aim of mocking the way they look. Isn't it bad enough that we slag off how celebrities look through the media, that now we are starting to judge those we pass in the street. Seriously, who made you the fashion police?

Shaming someone because of their size or the way they dress is no different to bullying. Imagine how you would feel if that photo taking on a drunken Saturday night with panda eyes, ripped tights and boobs hanging out of your top was circulated across the Internet for all to mock??  If you're ok about that then good on you, if not then think on!!

The change starts with you...... say no to body shaming and challenge.

How to be BeYOUtiful.

A little update on what I have been involved in recently with Body Gossip. Many of you replied to my request for volunteers to be interviewed about their bodies. A huge thanks to those who I managed to get to and an apology to the volunteers that I couldn't get to do. But don't despair, Body Gossip are still wanting to hear your body story, details of how to do this can be found at this link. 

A lot of your body thoughts made me smile and laugh, but there was a common ground as most of you were not happy with parts of your body because of how they look....and this makes me sad :( 

The reasons for you feeling this way were many, but mostly down to life experiences, growing up or from external and media influences. 

Positive self image is so important....I have had many years of feeling ugly, too fat, too thin and generally picking myself apart. I know how it feels.

Throughout my recovery from Anorexia I had many conflicting opinions in my head about weight issues.

I will admit in the past to possibly being fat phobic and buying into the media tales of overweight people being a drain on the NHS or being lazy. I wasn't born thinking this, the same as people are not born racist or homophobic...these are attitudes you learn and they are attitudes that can change...you can also help make that change.

 This is why organisations like Body Gossip are so needed. They promote the message that every body is beautiful, no matter what size, what age, what race, what gender, and no matter what anyone else tries to tell you.

If you want to dye your hair pink do it! (school holidays only!!!) It you want piercings, do it! (remember health and safety ;) If you want to lose weight, do it! If you want to wear socks and sandals, do it!!  

All  joking aside, whatever you choose for your body do it for YOU, because YOU want to. Not because the magazines or TV tell you that you need to look a certain way, dress a certain way or be a certain size. 

This is YOUR life, this is YOUR choice, this is YOUR body!! You are an individual. BeYOUtiful.

I first came across Body Gossip when I was in recovery, and the first thing I saw was this video.  From there I came across their website, sent my body stories in to their Body Gossip Book and that's where my involvement started.

If you haven't checked out the You Tube channel I would highly recommend it. As well as the videos, Body Gossip run a Gossip School which are self-esteem classes organised in schools across the country.......

but back to the original story, the interviews.

Now the interviews have been collected from lots of people across the country, they will be turned into a stage show. Imagine that....... your body thoughts could be on a stage in London (South bank centre currently, not Drury Lane) and acted out by Celebrities.   Cue the, "who would play you in the story of your life?" question.  Blooming amazing........

If all goes well and the projected can get the funding, the show could tour and your voices could be heard across the UK....doubly amazing.

In a way, I could now say I have seen it done it and got the T-Shirt......  how could I forget the T Shirts

Picture of me wearing my BG BeYOUtiful TShirt after the flash mob

Body Gossip Ruth & Curvy Kate lingerie models showing off their T-Shirts. Wearing of trousers is optional

I love this design

My Favourite......

And for the little ones....

      

Body Gossip Shirts are available from Supadupa.com. They are a practical, stylish and fun way of supporting a positive body image campaign. Lets see if we can make a positive change together. xxx

Stretch Marks, Back Fat And All Things Body Gossip.

The past few weeks have been really hectic with training for a walking Marathon, the emotional turmoil of dealing with my Eldest Sisters diagnosis of Cancer and the weekend travelling to London to visit and offer support. In between all this I have been collecting spoken word interviews from a diverse group of people for the new Body Gossip show due to be scripted for the South Bank Centre in London in October.... and this is what I want to tell you about.
Body Gossip want to showcase our real body thoughts, how we feel about our bodies, what influences us, what we would change if we could, what we find attractive in a partner and a whole lot more.
So far I have spoken to a wide cross section of people. Both genders, a variety of ages, cultures, sizes and races. A lot of what people had to say I expected, but there was a lot which surprised me, saddened me and made me laugh. We spoke about boobs, bums, stretch marks, tattoos, scars, labia's, tummy's,belly buttons, willies, fat, the media and so much more.

So far I have interviewed a woman of 65 who is a naturist.
A Mother (47) with her Sister (30) and 2 children (23+26)
A married couple in their early 60's.
A Mother of 2 who is a pole fitness instructor.
A Man who has lost an incredible amount of weight using a commercial weight loss plan.
2 young men both aged 24.
A woman of 21.
4 women between the ages of 20-35 who are members of the W.I,
Each person had their own unique story to tell, whether it was focused on childbirth, weight loss or acceptance of how they look, each was as important as the other.

One of the people mentioned above was Mitch who lost over 11 stone. At first I had reservations over meeting him. I knew him locally as the front man in a few local bands, but I had my doubts as he was a consultant for a major weight loss company.
I met him in the consulting rooms at his 'wellbeing centre.'  Initially my first reaction to this room was negative. I was faced with a pair of weighing scales in the middle, floor to ceiling of weight loss products and artificial models of pounds of fat on a bookcase!! This was everything that I was not about.
I wanted to turn on my heels and run away but instead I sat my lycra clad bottom (in my running gear) on his leather sofa and sweated it out.
I can safely say I made the right choice. Mitch is an amazing man. He has totally turned his life around and made a lifestyle change for the better.
My regular readers know my opinions on massive diet corporations but I am pleased that Mitch has a balanced view. He recognises the connections between food, thinking and emotions, he doesn't promote a quick fix but takes a holistic approach.
He also has an amazing sense of humour and isn't afraid to talk about his Willie ;) Thanks Mitch xxx

The second group of people I want to tell you about are the Shoreditch Sisters who are a Women's Institute group in east London.
Now if you are like me, your experience of the W.I would be watching the film Calendar Girls or the TV programme, 'Jam & Jerusalem.' So imagine my surprise when I looked at their blog and found vulva patchwork quilts and chocolate clitoris cupcakes!!
Seriously though, these group of women are amazing. Sitting alongside the cycling, crocheting and tie-dyeing are the campaigns against violence towards women and  female genital mutilation.
I met Lauren, Jamila, Martha & Emily in a park in Shoreditch in East London. We found a quiet area and sat on a blanket chatting about parts of your body that generally don't come up in polite conversation. The interviews were entertaining, inspiring and so interesting it was a while before I noticed a man was lying next to us, covering his ears and wailing loudly each time Emily mentioned her boobs!!!
Our time went so quickly, and it was only when my recording device was losing battery I realised we had been there for nearly 4 hours!! Thank you to the Shoreditch Sisters for an informative and fun afternoon and to Jamila's lovely dog, you are forgiven for peeing on my suitcase :)

The deadline for submissions for The Body Gossip Play is the end of August. I have a few more interviews booked in, but if you fancy taking part, either drop me a line, or clink on the Body Gossip link.

BodyLove

On Friday 28th July at 1 pm in London I shall be taking part in the first ever Body Love  Flash-mob organised by Body Gossip.  For those of you who have never heard of Body Gossip, it is a positive body image campaign  run by the wonderful Ruth Rogers & Natasha Devon who work endlessly to banish body shame and encourage everyone to be the best version of themselves (no cover versions here.)  I talk about them here, here and here.

I was first inspired by Body Gossip after coming across a video on you tube called 'This one is For You.' It was a poem written by a young woman with anorexia and amongst other things was what started me on my journey of discovery and writing. It has taken me a very long time to really appreciate myself for who I am as a person, and possibly even longer to see past the physical imperfections that I, like many others, may have focused on.  Body bashing can seriously damage your self esteem, so can full length mirrors and communal changing rooms!!!

Body Gossip are actively doing something to stop this. They are showing the great British public that you can be proud of who you are, no excuses, just un-apologetically you!

Since 2006 Body Gossip have made many other videos, been on TV with Gok Wan himself, published a book containing body stories from the general public as well as celebs, brought out their own range of 'rocking' T-Shirts and now the Flash-Mob.

Why a Flash-Mob you may ask?

Well, Body Gossip are asking us to write on a heart,the name of  a part of our body that we love,and show it to the world through twitter and facebook. This is a statement to show all those companies, magazines, who for financial gain constantly make us feel we are not good enough, not thin enough, not young enough, not firm enough that actually, yes we are enough....... because we are who we are, we are individuals, we are beautiful and we are unique. To quote Natasha Devon, we 'rock our own brand of gorgeous.'

So on Friday, I shall be joining a lot of other gorgeous people and I will be shouting out that I love my Bum :)

Why don't you join me and fight back against body shame. Say yes to Body Love.