Thursday, 30 December 2010

what a difference a year makes....

Look back 12 months ago and where was I?  I had not long come back from a holiday in Egypt with my husband and friends, spent a great Christmas with the same people and was looking forward to meeting up with some old school friends at my reunion.  If anyone had told me that I would spend a large part of 2010 restricting my diet, obsessing over how I looked, lying to those I love and putting myself through such physical and emotional pain I would have laughed in their face.  But unfortunately this is what happened, and what a waste.  I can never get that time back but I can make a damn better job of the next 12 months.
I have made a video of photos taken over events in the past year, most taken when I was happy and content with myself but others tell a different story. You wont be able to see the pain behind my eyes but I felt it.
For me 2011 will be a year of moving on and not looking back.
I wish for myself for the year ahead, the same as I wish for all those close to me.  Health and happiness.

Monday, 27 December 2010

I survived Christmas :)

Christmas Day and Boxing day are now over so I can sit back, relax, deep breath and reflect on how things went.

Despite being surrounded by food from the moment I awoke on Christmas morning to the evening of Boxing day I coped pretty well.  Being surrounded by the positivity and support of those closest to me helped.
I had made sensible choices around what food was on offer and also planned what I was going to eat beforehand.  Even though I had rather a lot of bubbly (would be rude not to!) the urge to overeat was not there.  I even woke up this morning not thinking about what I could or could not eat today!!!
Granted my pattern of eating may have been erratic but given the circumstances I think this acceptable.
I so want to wake up tomorrow feeling the same way.

Santa was very good to be this year. I received a huge amount of cupcake related gifts, shower-cap, mugs, cake stand, soap and the compulsory Christmas socks :) 
My highlight had to be Boxing Day when I opened a gift from two of my closest friends.  I opened a box which said 'extreme' on the front.  This was from the same couple that last year had bought me a sphering/zorbing experience.  My face was a picture when I opened the box and began to read out the letter...'You will be attending a charity bungee jump event where you will jumping from Clifton suspension bridge!!'   Absolute horror, I hate heights, hate flying and struggle to walk over bridges.  Panic was now setting in. All eyes were on me when I was told to look at the web link to register my  I had been well and truly had.  I can honestly say I have never been so happy to have NOT received a gift before.   The look on my face was priceless.
I hope you have all had a good and stress free Christmas time.  For those of you continuing the fight stay strong and be positive.

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Happy christmas everyone..

Well Its 3.20am, Christmas morning, the family are asleep and I am sat here moulting feathers from my angel costume all over the sofa!!  Santa has already been as there is a stack of pressies under the tree  :)  Well although my halo has slipped slightly I have been a good girl for most of the year!
Christmas day tomorrow, well it is actually Christmas day now but when I eventually go to bed then get up about 3 hours later the day will be here.
Potatoes are peeled, sprouts sorted (pre-packed and 4 minutes in the microwave,,ssh don't tell)  Meat is defrosting, all I need to do is eat it.
I am feeling pretty positive about tomorrow.  My body is changing shape and I can tell the difference.  I almost need to undo the zip before I pull my jeans down, my boobs are slowly reappearing and the tell tale hip bones are surrounding themselves with a little padding.
How do I feel about this?  Not too bad...a little scared sometimes but on the whole a lot more accepting of how I look and how I feel about my body image.  How  I look does not determine the person I am, or how others will see me.  I am looking forward to this Christmas, spending it with friends who do not judge, who know me for the real person that I am and who are there ready to support me or help when I may struggle.  To all of you I say thank you, I couldn't do it on my own.
A very merry Christmas to all of you, I wish you all happiness and inner peace.  It is a difficult time of the year and hope you can stay strong. xx

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

The Camera never lies.

I have been looking through some photos taken of me over the past year, New years party, Halloween and my school reunion, and I am mixed with emotions.  Through photos you can revisit wonderful experiences, good times with friends and family, but you can also remember the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, feelings of hopelessness, fear and dread for the future and disgust at the person you have become.
I choose to keep my 'thin' photos, not because of how good I think I may have looked at the time but as a reminder of what a souless empty shell my eating disorder turned me in to.
Who was I kidding to think I looked good??  Obviously myself, my inner voice, my insecurities, my failings, my need for perfection, achievement and control.  I am still very underweight, by body apparently thinks it is still in starvation mode but I am dealing with that.  I may have only gained 8 pounds but I feel so much healthier physically and emotionally.
I am now comfortable with challenging my thoughts, with correcting myself....being critical over how I look but in a more positive way.  I have a determination to beat this, an inner strength and motivation.
I need to live not merely exist!  I cannot live a life ruled by food.

I saw my dietitian today who suggested an increase in my protein, carbs and dairy which I am lacking.  I have taken this on board and will try to increase my daily intake.  I know this will be hard and some days I will struggle, but my mind set is I CAN do this and I WILL do this.....I have so much to live for, so much to give and I am fed up with wasting so much energy on something which is a shit existence.
I used to think of anorexia as my friend, my comfort blanket.  It was something I was in control of and made me feel controlled me...if I let it.
Christmas in a few days and I have lots of plans, lots of positives and am looking forward to it.  Cheers. xx

Sunday, 19 December 2010

reasons for recovery

After such a positive few days and the Christmas festivities to look forward to, I woke in a brilliant mood.  The snow is still on the floor although you are taking your life into your hands when venturing outside.
It was difficult to gather the motivation to eat today, primarily as I didn't feel hungry!  It is very difficult to make yourself eat when you are physically not hungry and not in the mindset for I sat down and wrote a list, a list of reasons to eat, reasons for recovery and here it is..

1.  To live and not just exist.
2.  To be healthy.
3.  I want to enjoy social times with my family and friends.
4.  I do not want to be different or have a label.
5.  I want to get back at work and have a purpose.
6.  To be able to focus on daily things without thinking about food all of the time.
7.  To feel warm again.
8.  To be a positive role model to my son.

There will no doubt be more I can add as time goes on but i think these are my priority.  I deliberately did not put 'To look good' as I am trying to take the focus away from how I look on the outside and to put it onto my physical and emotional health and well being.  I hope that if anyone reading this is going through food and body image issues at the moment can maybe take something from this and focus on the positive sides of getting better.
When you write a list of pros and cons of having an eating disorder there are no real benefits!!

Take care and keep well. xx

Saturday, 18 December 2010

What a wonderful day.

One week until Christmas and outside looks like a picture postcard. We now have the snow the met office promised and I love it.
There is something to be said for walking in crisp fresh snow, and on the sea front it nearly reached the tops of my wellies!  As I watched people going around their buisness, christmas shopping, children throwing snowballs, everything seemed so much brighter. Maybe it was the glow from the sun on the snow or maybe it was that I was feeling a little more ease with myself, more content and happier with who I was becoming.
On Friday I started the day with Breakfast, had lunch and something in the evening.  I had to make a conscious effort to eat and it is not coming naturally.  I hate to say it but my Nurse was actually right, eating regularly eased the feelings of wanting to binge and although It was a struggle I succeeded in one day of regular and normal eating.  
My initial thoughts are again to restrict the following day to compensate for the calories consumed, but I need to stay motivated, set my sights on my goal of returning to work in the new year and regaining my health and fitness.
Someone said to me today, at least when everyone is wanting to lose weight after Christmas I can start on the tins of I wish for that day, and I know it will come.  Just hope there will be some purple ones left!

Friday, 17 December 2010

Beaten by a sandwich!!

What a day!!  Occupational health appointment received for first week of January to discuss my return to work. Ha, I thought, envisage the help of my eating disorders such luck!
As lovely as she is,she would not put her name to encouraging me back to work.  I can see her point....have I gained a reasonable amount of weight...NO.   I am actively eating regularly...NO..... But..I feel well. I am so much better in myself.
God I want to be normal and wish this all away.
So...this afternoon I feel hungry, off I traipse to the local pasty shop, too late, all the good ones have gone!!
Venture home and  tuck into a cheese, salad and pickle hell!! Who would have thought a sandwich would cause such a commotion.  I did try, try very hard, but only managed about a quarter.,  This was the first non-diet food I had eaten in months and it was like hell on earth, a dead weight in my stomach.
I moved on to this evenings meal, again a struggle, a small amount a mountain to conquer!!
This evening I went to a friends house for karaoke...great fun but I was shocked when I saw the video he took of me.... I could see the bones on my chest, my collar bone, the veins in my neck... a shadow of the bubbly, luscious person I was a year ago.  What happened??  I don't know...but I do not like it. I need to turn this around, for myself, for my health, my family and my friends.  i do not want to  be a shadow of my former self, to have my thoughts overwhelmed with that of food, to have my day determined by what I eat, what I weigh and how many calories I consume.  I detest my sad existence, my feelings of worthlessness, my envy of others, my need to be thinner, prettier, better...and now I am going to bed, to think, to dwell, to sleep....and tomorrow...who knows!

Monday, 13 December 2010

Weigh Day.

It was with feelings of trepidation that I went to my appointment with the E.D nurse, the first weigh in for a month.
As I demolished my scales at home I had only my somewhat distorted view on my body shape and size to gauge what I would encounter when I stepped on the scales.
Thankfully we did the formalities first and It was not as bad as I thought....I had gained what was determined as a reasonable amount within the community, and for myself, enough to be able to cope with without completely freaking out!!
I had not had a wonderful few weeks, and had not done as well as I maybe should have but no point beating myself up over it.
I was surprised at my reaction as I became quite upset over the feeling of losing a part of my identity, If I did not have my eating disorder what would I have.  Only those of you who have been here will understand this.
But I do have a life, a good life with supportive friends and family, most who have possibly put up with a lot from me that others wouldnt.
We looked through the pros and cons of moving on and staying how I am, and guess what??  There are not many pros to living your life with an eating sucks.  I know this, but still there is this inner battle between eating and restricting. 
Why would I want to compromise my health, my family, my social life...there are so many good things out there for me I just need to let them in.
So start again....tommorrow is another day...I will plan my meals daily, little and step at a time.
With determination and positivity I can do this, I want to do this.......Catch you alll tomorrow. xx

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Its the most wonderful time of the year..

Or is it???
Being Mrs Organised I have the presents bought, wrapped and under the tree.  Parcels ready to post and cards written.  Christmas day and Boxing Day menus planned, shopping list completed even know what were doing New Years Eve....but what about I ready?
I love Christmas, the smells in the air, the frost on a morning, Christmas carols, soppy TV movies, friends and family, buying and giving presents...and yes I do love a little something in my stocking.
This year though it all seems a little daunting. Everywhere I go its about food!  Christmas meals with friends and colleagues, enough chocolate to fill willy wonkas factory. fancy biscuits, nibbly bits....Oh the temptation.
I have set myself 3 challenges over the festive period.

1.  Christmas dinner at home with family and friends. 
2.  Boxing day buffet at home with more family and friends.
3.  New Years Eve dinner at a restaurant!!!

So as not to set myself up to fail I have a few strategies in place to cope.

Try to eat small regular meals curbing the urge to overeat or binge. Avoid skipping meals in order to save up calories!!!  Does not achieve anything in the long run.

Cook food that I know I will be comfortable with eating, also means I can eat with others without making myself stand out as different.

The buffet will be the worst as I will want to eat the whole have discreet word with hubby to keep in check how much I am putting away, especially after a few glasses of bubbly. Again I will also cook things that I am comfortable with.  Still find it difficult to recognise hunger and fullness...but will not beat myself up if I feel I have eaten too much.

Chocolates!!! This will be the nightmare as I will worry about eating the whole tin!! They will be in a cupboard, out of sight out of mind but available to Hubby and Son. :) 

I have eaten out with friends, but have been particular over what I have eaten, taken forever over the menu and have been paranoid that people are watching me.  The meal on New Years Eve is significant, I am trying to leave my disordered eating in the old year and move on to the New Year a stronger and more positive person.  I cannot promise, but I will try.
Something I have mentioned before is mindful eating.  I find it helps me to eat slowly, taking in the textures, flavours and smells of the food, being positive about what I am eating and concentrating on each mouthful. 
Try makes eating so much more of a sensory experience.
I wish those of you struggling at the moment a stress free Christmas and hope you kick your E.D into touch. xx

Friday, 10 December 2010

never underestimate Lasagne

Strange title I know....but very true.  To most of you out there, a lasagne is just that.  A pasta and meat dish with cheese sauce generally found in the chilled/freezer section of your supermarket, the local Italian or if you're really make it yourself.
I personally hadn't touched the stuff in at least 7 months....until last night.
It was sat patiently in the microwave (having escaped from the freezer) waiting to be nuked by my teenage house guest :)  Guess what?  As teenagers often do, she changed her mind and no longer required the company of said lasagne.
At the stroke of midnight, after turning into a couch potato and losing my cow slipper when coming down the stairs, the lasagne called out to me...I
I regained my position on the sofa whilst watching the second part of 50yrs of Coronation Street fork in hand....
'Oh no you don't ' shouted one part of me, 'Oh yes you do' shouted the other..well it is nearly pantomime season!!  I sat for a good 20 minutes staring at this lump of 'yuk' on my plate and I am not ashamed to say, it scared me...Booooooo! Bad Lasagne.
Totally irrational, but this meal is one you cannot hide from, each bit of food is touching the other, you can't really pick at it and its covered in the most evil baddy of all.....melted cheese.
But I did...I put on my fork and ate it..slowly and being aware of how it tasted....  Fee Fi Foe Fum...I smell and tasted something yum....
Well I did it, wasn't planned and it didn't kill me.  I did have nightmares though...serves me right for eating cheese before I go to bed!

Thursday, 9 December 2010

One step forward...two steps back

Just when you think you have things on track it comes back to bite you on the bum.....ok, I may not have much of a bum but it is still there.  I have tried hard to keep to a routine, have some sort of structured eating and have taken each day as it comes, but sometimes though life just gets in the way! 
It was not intentional, things happen, feelings and emotions get in the way of eating, then not eating numbs the feelings and emotions.
I have been away for a few days staying with friends, stupidly forgot my fresubin drinks, struggled with my change of routine and before you could say 'yes, I'll make it large,' ouch...there it was, a big bite.
I'm not saying it took a holiday, it didn't, I was just finding it easier to cope with.

The hardest thing is no one can see how your are feeling inside, what your thoughts you feel about the ways your body is changing.  I tell myself, 'its ok' but I know that isn't how I feel.
Tomorrow is another day, I CAN cope with a blip...I am still in recovery and will strive to continue.
I have my weigh in next Monday (cue scary music!!)  yes I am nervous, but I also know that it is the way forward, maybe I will ask to stand on the scales backwards!!
Will let you know how I get on.....wish me luck.

Friday, 3 December 2010

How are you...

How are you?   A greeting widely responded to with 'Im good thanks',
So ask me the are you?
Today I am feeling fragile waiting for the slightest knock to set me back,  I feel vulnerable and insecure, like those dreadful dreams you have when you go to school in your underwear!!!
Today I 'forgot' to eat, despite my initial positive move towards eating breakfast.  Things just got in the way. It was then so easy to again not bother, then not bother with tea.....hey, I feel better already.  Quick fix to numb the feelings....or so I think. I ate earlier, god Im stuffed, blag it, crumbs on the plate noone will know...but |I do!!  What is the point in lying to yourself?  It doesn't achieve anything. Tommorrow is another step at a time.
 Anyone for muesli..  :)

Thursday, 2 December 2010

I have a plan!!!

An eating plan....
Throughout my times of disordered eating I would have 2 lists, what I would call safe food and banned food.
My safe foods would include rice cakes, salad, certain fruits, low fat cottage cheese, and diet yoghurt's.  I would generally pick one or two items, eat these until I was bored with them then move onto something else.
My banned foods would be everything but the above!!  I thought about food all day, from the moment I was awake until I was asleep. I dreamt food....
My day would revolve around what to eat, how I could avoid eating. I became obsessed with baking, buying cookery magazines and cook books.  I would love to cook and bake for others but not eat them myself.
It is a standard joke in my house that the thinner I became the bigger my husband got!!!
Meal times were a huge challenge, I would eat from a certain sized plate and on the occasions where my routine was disturbed or I could not control my food or portion size I became irritable, stressed and argumentative.  I felt bad, guilty, disgusting...and fat.
I craved food constantly, the battle between have and have not was horrendous, I cannot begin to describe the feelings that go alongside Anorexia.  I was scared of eating certain foods at certain times of the day, generally when on my own, I was terrified of becoming out of control, of eating too much.
  I would compensate for the blandness within my diet with spices and herbs, I adored coriander and craved salt.  Now things have moved on........
Foods from my banned list have now moved over to my 'safe' list,  I try and have regular small meals to alleviate the feelings of wanting to overeat.  I need to remind myself to eat and make a conscious decision to do so as I still do not recognise when I am hungry and also when I am full....this will change in time.
The feelings are still there...but getting easier to cope with...I believe that the improvement in myself physically has helped with my may of thinking.   I have strategies in place to help me cope with the feelings of anxiety after eating.....I'm doing one now.....whilst helping my muesli and yoghurt go down :)  I may take a bath, listen to music, go for a walk or text a friend.
I wish I could say that everything is back to how it was, but I can't....what I can say is I'm moving forward...I have a eating plan, and I'm sticking to it.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

The Mirror Never Lies….or does it?

The Mirror Never Lies….or does it?

When I look in the mirror, what do I see?
Who is that woman staring back at me?
Am I  happy, content, a picture of health.
Or a pitiful shadow of my former self.
My body is ravaged, my bones jutting out,
For gods sake just feed me my heart wants to shout,
My body lacks warmth, its cover has gone
I s that what I wanted a walking skeleton?
I don’t want it to hurt when I lay down at night,
I want to get better, continue my fight,
So I look in the Mirror and what do I see,
A fighter a winner, I’m beautiful…..thats me. xx
 Jackie Dec 2010

Things to be thankful for.

Life, health and happiness!!  Cliche I know but its true.  We take far too much for granted and although the old saying, 'theres always someone worse off than you' doesn't generally wash with me, it is so right.
So today I am thankful to be alive, to have a wonderful family and a supportive network of friends who I trust.
I am thankful for the online community of support groups who without I would probably not have got this far...
I am very thankful for the boiler man coming to sort out the heating as its bloody freezing!!
Just wanted to let you know that after last nights post, I have not crawled into a shell and stayed there, I have come back out to fight, to take on the challenge and eventually win.
I will not allow my feelings today control what I put into my body or what I don't put in.
I will take each day as it comes and grasp it whole heartedly.
I will bake cake.....and eat it. x

need spell checker for this one

OK, my blogging rules always stated No drunken posts!!! but I feel as the author It is my prerogative to deviate from this....
Tonight I feel confused, not sure where to turn or who to turn to...unsure of what tomorrow brings.  OK, far too many glasses of fizzy plonk and too much analysis of relationships play a part but there it laid down, bare, vulnerable and open to suggestion.  This is the point at which I would transfer my feelings onto what I eat ( Neil. if you are listening I hope this helps)  My plan for tomorrow was to call my GP, arrange for me to be signed back to work bloody damn quick, but I'm unsure If that is the right thing to do.  My long term plans seem to condense into short term goals.  Is that what I have to look forward to.....I hope not!!
Anorexia is a coping mechanism, numbs the pain, shuts out the feelings... bollocks it does.....lies, all will still be the same tomorrow, no matter what I eat, how many calories I consume, how much exercise I do...the feeling inside is horrible, the tightness, the degradation, the unworthiness...god I am worth so much more than this...please someone just give me a button to switch it off.
And breathe.......tomorrow is another day.......oh, and I apologise If I come across as an attention seeking, needy person. xx

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

My Ten Commandments...

1.  Thou shalt not make yourself into the image of others....celebrities in magazines are airbrushed, they do not really look like that!!!

2.  Honour you body, its the only one you will get.  Nurture it, love it....feed it.

3.  Avoid Fat talk....its damaging and lowers self-esteem. 

4.  Drink your Fresubin

5.  Do not live in the past....(80's music is acceptable though)  You cannot change what has happened but you can change how you allow it to affect your future.

6.  Accept your flaws, nobody is perfect!! 

7.  Never ever buy bathroom scales again....unless they are pink and fluffy and say 'gorgeous' each time I step on them :)

OK I can only think of 7......may add some later after more coffee.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Its only a bloody Potato!!!!

How hard can it be to buy a spud???   After a successful day of following meal plan (gives self pat on back)  I decide to purchase the said mentioned cook as the jacketed variety as I do not like to be stared at by a naked being on my plate!!!
Off I pop to the wonderful store of Llidl where I peruse the aisles for an eternity looking at Christmas chocolates..STOP...binge alert...I did not come in for chocolate so skip merrily to the aisle of delectable vegetables.
Hmmph!! only 4 potatoes left all with more knobbly bits than a team of cyclists in Lycra!!  After a quick grope I toss it into my basket along with the icing sugar, marzipan, apricot jam...(guess what I'm doing tomorrow?) and hurry along to the checkout where they are giving away free bread!!!  Random I know but thought I would make the point that some supermarkets do something productive with their on date perishables.
by the time I get home, i am anxious, stressed, cruising for a bruising and am so not going to eat my potato all because poor Hubby dared to walk away when I thought we were having a conversation!!  Gets me like that sometimes and those nearest and dearest are the ones who bear the brunt.  Quick ciggy (OK, I haven't packed in yet) and I'm destressed and ready to roll...
Long story short, Potato arrived on my plate dressed in best tuxedo, although had carelessly spilled garlic and herb cream cheese down its crack which I gladly ate up. Yum...

One week on...a way forward.

Like most of you out there I am guilty of not being able to take a compliment in the positive way it was meant..

Throughout periods of my eating disorder I loved it when people commented on my initial weight loss, it made me feel good about myself, reinforced my sense of achievement and gave me a drive to carry on.
When my weight loss became more apparent and less 'acceptable' to others, the comments came thick and fast.  During disordered eating your mind plays tricks on you.  The constant battle and pull within your head tells you how great you look, the mirror lies, confusion and chaos reigns.  No matter how thin you are, how unwell you look, how weak you feel there is always the nagging voice, the invisible friend pushing you on to achieve the inevitable.  This does not change when you make the decision to turn your life around, to become well again, to be healthy....but what has to change is your reaction to this, choose to become well, to live.....or choose a life of disordered eating, semi-starvation and ultimately die.  As harsh as this seems it is true.  I choose not to listen to what my head tells me but to what my body tells me.  Some days are harder than most but I am getting there....
Back to the compliments.....when regaining weight we will all get comments, 'you look well,' 'you look better,'  I can hear a few knowing chuckles as this can be taken the wrong way!!  Shock reaction, Omg, I must be getting fat, do they mean I'm putting on weight.This is where rational head needs to win over ED head, its a struggle but one worth going through....
In conclusion...don't be afraid to give me or anyone else a compliment.....and don't be afraid to accept it....if someone tells you you look like a sex kitten, hell girl you do.  Please feel free to tell me I do :)

Sunday, 28 November 2010

A letter to a 'Friend.'

Dear Friend,

You came into my life many years ago and have never left.  You always turn up uninvited, without warning, giving me no time to prepare for the chaos and distress you bring to my life and those around me.
I may not see you for years on end, but you are always at the back of my mind.
let me tell you that those years you were not around were the best years of my life.....
You have influenced me, gave me motivation, control and a numbness from things I found difficult to cope with in my life. also lied to me, controlled my thoughts, my feelings, my actions.  For this you are never forgiven.
You turned me into a liar, a cheat, a manipulative person who hurt those around me, those who care.
You threatened my health, my friendships, my relationships, my self esteem and self image....and continue to do so If I allow you to.
I am often scared to let you go, scared of losing something special and part of my identity.....but with that loss comes hope, a new beginning, a future a life.
You have moulded me into the person I am today....a strong, positive and determined woman who can and will fight.  For this, Dear friend, I thank you.


Friday, 26 November 2010

5 things to do with Fresubin 2 kal

As suggested by my dietician I have Fresubin 2 kal on a daily basis, I have so many of the damn bottles I swear they are reproducing in my kitchen.  Was quite amusing when I picked up the prescription from my GP as he had written a script for one bottle.  When I queried this he replied,'The bottle is 200ml, take 1 ml at a time and I suggest you try and make the bottle last a month!,'  Thankfully he was joking, smiled and changed it to 58.
For those of you who have had the pleasure of this delightful drink, or others similar you will know they come in a variety of delicious flavours, are made with UHT milk and leave you with a delectable chalky after taste!!
My local pharmacy arranged an order for vanilla and forest fruits...yum yum, bring it on.'s blog is 5 things to do with Fresubin 2 kal (to make them taste better)
I do not endorse this as medical advice!!

1. Add coconut cream to vanilla flavour, measure of rum and crushed ice.  Decorate with parasol and sparkler.  Hey presto...medicinal Pina Colada.  For added impact sit with feet in washing up bowl, put on swimsuit and shades and think back to those wonderful beach holidays.

2.  Take one vanilla fresubin, put in blender and add 1 teaspoon of instant coffee granules, 1 teaspoon almond extract, 1 cup of whipping cream, half a can of sweetened can of condensed milk and a cup of Irish whiskey. Blend together for approx 30 secs.  Store in fridge in a sealed bottle.  You now have Baileys Irish cream.

3. Add to a blender one bottle of vanilla fresubin, 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream and one banana.  blend until smooth. A scrummy banana smoothie.  Delicious....

4. Using fruits of the forest Fresubin, as banana smoothie but add strawberries, blueberries, raspberries. Lots of super fruits.

5. Mix one fruits of the forest Fresubin with one fruit yoghurt and one banana.  Serve in a tall glass, decorate with cream and edible glitter.

Alternatively, insert straw into top, suck slowly, mindfully and remember why you need to drink them. Because you are worth it, you are beautiful, you want to be healthy and you need the nutrients. wish me luck....think I may need it. x

Day Five...My worth is not determined by a number.

OK, so curiosity got the better of my and whilst visiting a friend last evening I committed the ultimate sin....I weighed myself!! First reaction...all scales weigh differently, its cold, I had an extra jumper on.....
despite telling myself, 'its only a number,' the sudden increase in x pounds HAS affected me, I has crept into my dreams at night, it has increased my anxieties to the point where I have woken early, tidied the downstairs and cleaned the shoes!!!
On reflection and looking through my food diary I can see why this has happened.
Over the weekend and subsequent days I have let my guard down with ALCOHOL!!!  Yes, a few glasses here, there and everywhere I have have begun to nibble a bit late in the evening, the knock on affect of that is then restricting during the day and again craving/bingeing of sweet things again in the evening. When I say 'binge' can I just clarify 1 croissant not the content of my kitchen!!
I suppose this is a little like the old, if a tree falls and no one hears it did it really fall?  If i eat chocolate and no one sees me does it really count.
Now I can see you sat there, frowning and wagging your finger.....put you have put on x pounds, surely that is a good thing?
Yep, it is....but when my ED mind takes over it is not a good thing.  Anorexia isn't about weight, its about control, and at this present moment I feel like I am losing my grip slightly and falling falling into a murky pool, probably filled with chocolate and wine.
So the plan for today, try to stick to the meal plan, eat healthily, lay off the booze, go for a walk, think positive.  Don't worry about the numbers on the scale, that's all they are numbers and I am worth more than that.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Recovery From An Eating Disorder Is Possible

Recovery From An Eating Disorder Is Possible

Borrowed from 'Weighing The facts' website

How did I get here?

I often sit and ask myself this question..and yes I know the facts of life, I was not found under a bush after delivery by the stork!
Without going into too much detail and hanging out my dirty laundry in public I will give you a brief history. 
I have 'managed' an eating disorder since the age of 19 and I am now do the math.
What was the catalyst?  I'm sure it could have been lots of different things, leaving home, social pressures or just an addictive personality, who knows?  What I do know is that I cannot diet, I do not do things by halves, I am far too good at it!
There are no shades of grey in my life, I see everything in black and white, its either do or don't.
I recognise my triggers, most are unavoidable like loss or stress, it is my way of coping with a situation, of regaining some sort of order or control over my life.  In reality though all that happens is I begin another chaotic and out of control way of life and way of thinking.  It is easier to slip back into that 'controlling' lifestyle than it is to get out of it.
So....what now?  Where do i go from here?
Self talk, I tell myself every day that yes I am worth it, I have my imperfections, I can be a complete bitch at times but when it comes down to it I am a good person.  I also try and tell those close to me that they are also worth it....they are beautiful and I love them.
I try to be honest with myself and others, this should work both ways, often it doesn't but that is something that I have to accept and move on....
I do not point the finger of blame...
I take responsibility for my own actions, I am in control of my own life and what happens to one else.
Keep you posted...  :)

PS. Its bloody freezing, about a lush hot chocolate made with real dark chocolate, topped with squirty cream and choccie powder.

Push me pull you

Its 11.55pm and I feel like the two headed llama creature in Doctor Doolittle.  My rational voice pulling me in one direction and my ED pulling me the other!!!  Always a mistake to hit the peanut butter late at night.It is difficult to describe the feelings of anxiety, the total change in the way your body feels, the tenseness that's starts in your head and goes right into your toes....actually I think I described that pretty well.
I thought about going to bed, trying to sleep and hoping it goes away.  No, that never works, I would only wake at 3am thinking about food again.  I will sit here, write away, bore you all stupid and fight the feelings.
The hardest thing with recovery is dealing with the 'refeeding', the subsequent weight gain and all the feelings and thoughts associated with it is having very little support.  That sucks!!  Not saying I don't have people around me who care, i do...lots of them.  Sometimes that's not enough and you need someone who knows how to direct you and steer you away from the irrational thinking.  My next appt on Dec 13th seems an age away....I think by then i would have used up the whole of blogging cyber space.  Ok, I'm off to sit in the garden and look at the will probably hear me howling soon.  Night All.....
Please let me know If I am becoming boring.....I appreciate the feedback (scuse the pun)

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

The near perfect roast dinner!!!

'The way to a mans heart is through his stomach,' and that is certainly the case with the two men in my life.
So after a gruelling day in the slave camps they trudged home to the glamorous wife and Mother doing her domestic goddess impression!
Actually this was far from the truth...the vegetable steamer had yet again let me down.  The sprouts, cauli and cabbage were happily basking in the heat of the steam, getting very hot and wet (ooh er missus)  but remained as raw as the day they were plucked from the soil!!  Hmmph.  Take out old metal hob steamer and start again.
Meanwhile laying on the floor is the remnant of a winter fruit crumble, which had decided to makes it escape off the baking tin when I freed it from the oven.  Chicken was so cremated the stuffing was about to sing abide with me......but......orgasmic revelation....I can make Yorkshire Pudding  :)
Not burnt, not sunk, but as proudly risen as my old man on a ....oops, getting a bit Nigella there for a moment.  As they say, 'The proof of the pudding is in the tasting,' and I had two very happy no longer hungry men.  My Yorkshire Nan and Mam would be very proud.

Day Three. Dear Body......

Have been watching a lot of the 'Dear Body' videos and YouTube but cannot bring myself to make a video or inflict it on a few words and photos will suffice.  Here goes...

Dear Body.....

My Eyes...I love you..some say they are the gateway to your soul, they sparkle when I'm happy and cry when I'm sad.
Sorry for not looking after you properly. Not removing mascara when i go to bed and looking like a panda the next morning!!  For inflicting pain on you on the rare occasions I have slept in my contacts and then had to remove you with a plunger action the next day.

My Lips...They pout, they pucker, they smile :)  A little too large for my liking but hey, more to snog with.

My eyebrows...are desperate for a pluck....yes, I said pluck!!  Or a wax, whatever my pain threshold is at the time. 

My nose....they help keep my glasses on my face, what more can I say!  A tad too big, but good for smelling.  It has a little moley thing on it, I'm learning to like that spot.

My Hair...oh dear, where do i start?  I apologise hair for the many years of bleaching, dyeing, straightening, curling and not giving you enough nutrients to shine.  I will try harder.  Oh I do like the red at the moment though.

My Boobs...No picture thank god, well not any that I can post on here!  When I was at school we used to do the pencil test. If you can hold a pencil under your boobs they have drooped!! I can safely say I can hold a pencil case up now.  Sorry boobs for not wearing the right size bras, I will endeavour to make getting measured as priority in the future.

My Feet...Uggh...feet.  Sorry feet for squashing you into tight, too high very inappropriate footwear, but I cannot promise it wont happen again.

My Legs... Very long, very slender, I like my legs.  Thank you legs.

My Bum...I apologise for sitting on you far too much recently and will take you with my legs out a little more often.  One day I will get you back to the bum I knew and loved. 

My tummy...Sorry tummy for not feeding you properly, for putting you through such stress and discomfort.
For inflicting pain on you with a tattoo, but I do love the tattoo.  Tummy you are a reminder of my pregnancy and of the birth of my wonderful Son.  I will try to be mindful of the changes you are going through and accept you whatever shape or size.  I will look forward to jiggling you again.

In conclusion, body I will treat you with the respect and love you deserve, and look forward to having you around whatever your size for a very long time. xxx

Things that make you smile...

Things that make you smile.....

A random comment from a stranger that regains your faith in human nature.

The comment above which actually rhymes...

A text from a friend which comes just at the right moment....

Someone tripping over in the street..sorry but it is funny..

Putting squirty cream on top of hot chocolate and it runs out and squirts you in the face..

Gillian Mc thingy wotsit on celebrity get me out of here...

someone smiling back at me..  :)

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Lemon cupcakes

Basic cupcake recipe...8oz of s/r flour, 8oz of butter, 8oz of caster sugar, 4 eggs, tsp baking powder, 10ml of lemon flavouring. butter cream frosting with food covering and lemon flavouring.  Yum yum pigs bum

Recovery Quote Of The Week: September 4

Recovery Quote Of The Week: September 4

BODY GOSSIP: 'This one is for you'

Day Two

I have come to the conclusion this morning that recovery is a bit like being pregnant!!!  the swollen belly, bad wind (Hubby calls me Mrs Methane) and ridicolous food cravings...peanut butter and chocolate spread being at the top of my list!!  The difference being apart from the obvious is I will be heavier but will be healthy as well as having a new life...
I can honestly say the last few weeks have been a struggle, a challenge, a daily living nightmare, but one which I have fully had the suport from family and friends.  I would like to say it is getting easier but it isnt...i know there is hope and that hope is in me :)  positivity does remain although at times it may not seem that way.

positives of the past month.
Not only have I thrown away my scales, but i hit them with a hammer!!  To quote from the We Bit Back Website, 'The person I am is not defined by a number,' Very true.  It was difficult to adjust to at first as it was so very part of my daily routine to the point of being an obsession.  jumping on the scales several times a day can only be counter productive although i do not dismiss the fact that to remove them from your life can be an impossible feat.  What works for me may not work for others.

write a meal plan.
I love lists, I thrive on lists.  I love to cross things off lists, and the lists are endless.
I worked on my meal plan with an ED nurse and a dietician, and it was a lot more difficult than i thought.  I now take every day as it comes. Dont beat myself up over a slight hiccup and start the next day afresh.  Onwards and upwards.

Less of the boring stuff and on to the nitty gritty.....CAKE!!!!
Had a really busy but positive and productive weekend as it was both my husband and Sons Birthday.  As you can imagine this involved lots of alcohol, friends and cake.

I adapted a recipe to make a delicious white chocolate and malteser here goes...
(im not wonderful on measurements and just tend to throw things in and hope for the best)

malteser cheesecake
Base. melt 2 oz of unsalted butter in a pan, add about 8 crushed digestive biscuits and handful of whole chocolate chips and combine well. Press into a lined sandwich tin.  Put into fridge and chill well.

Filling.  Whisk 2oz of castor sugar with 200ml of fresh double cream until thick.  In a seperate bowl beat 200ml of soft cream cheese until smooth, add 200ml of creme fraiche and beat until thick.  Fold cheese mixture into cream mixture with 10ml of vanilla extract.
Pour mixture on top of biscuit base and decorate with maltesers and white chocolate.  freeze until firm for several hrs.  take out of freezer approx 45 mins before serving and serve at room temp.

Monday, 22 November 2010

Day One

I have spent the past three days, or at least part of the past three days watching the movie Julie & Julia. For those of you who have not had the gastronomic pleasure of this movie, it tells the true story of a young woman who attempts to cook every recipe in a french cookery book in 365 days!!! and write a blog detailing her attempts. The cook book was written by Julia Child in the 1950's (I think)  and her story runs alongside...
Given my rather obsessiveness over baking and my strive to have a positive relationship with food, i thought, why not?  Write a blog....if noone reads it, who cares, at least it will be somewhere to share my thoughts, not too much of my feelings, but above all my love of all things chocolately and truly scrumptious.  I will apologise forthwith for my bad grammar, atrocious spelling and occassional bad language. As JUulia would say....Bon appetite.

Eating disorders awareness week 2019

I didn't just wake up one day and decide not to eat. It started with difficulties at work. I wasn't coping, was crippled with anxie...