Eating disorders awareness week 2019

I didn't just wake up one day and decide not to eat.
It started with difficulties at work. I wasn't coping, was crippled with anxiety and living with depression.
There were warning signs that those around me noticed which I brushed aside.
It couldn't be happening again.

In 2011 I was discharged from the community eating disorders team and vowed 'never again.'
After several relapses of Anorexia since 1985, I was determined this was the last time. I was educated, had a good understanding of the illness and a supportive network of family and friends.
I was sure I had the strength and knowledge to not allow this insidious illness to take hold of me again.

But it did....
It chipped away bit by bit, slowly questioning every morsel I ate, getting into my head, punishing me physically and emotionally.
I tried to get help but at first no-one was interested.
My BMI wasn't low so everything must be OK, right?
Wrong!!
In 2016 I saw a sympathetic Doctor who after looking at my history made a referral to the ed team.
This is where my long road to recovey began.
The process was hard. My anorexia was ingrained to the point where I would only allow myself a drink if I'd completed a certain amount of steps on my fitbit.
I was an emotional wreck and fading physically.

During my time with the ed team I worked on myself.
With a combination of cognitive analytical therapy, compassion focused therapy and emdr, I began to understand more about how I think, my emotional responses and my triggers.
After 2 hospital admissions I had started the refeeding process which helped my cognition immensely.  It wasn't easy and my safe bubble had been popped. Keeping on track was at times emotionally draining. Acceptance of my new size does not come easily but with compassion I am learning to like myself a bit more.
With each relapse I have learned something new.
I have learned how important peer support is, especially in a hospital setting.
I have learned that I am not responsible for past trauma.
I have learned to be honest if I'm struggling, with myself and those around me.
I have strategies and tools in place along with a wellness recovery action plan.
So on eating disorders awareness week i want to offer hope to those still struggling.  There is a life out there not ruled by calories, exercise or scales.
It won't happen overnight, recovery is a process, but it's a process worth fighting for.

I can't say, "never again," but I will say, "Anorexia, I shall be watching out for you and I can beat you."

it is what it is.

You look well?
 What the fuck does that mean?  Can you see inside my head? 
Society today is so hung up on personal appearance.  Photos are filtered, we can choose what to show to the rest of the world.
Social media shows what we want people to see, our perfect worlds, perfect friends, perfect lives.
Nobody really knows what is going on in others lives, its all a big fantasy. 

I live in a bubble, a bubble that my nurse once said she would pop.  My bubble keeps me safe, protects me from others and my own thoughts.
My illness is not all about weight.  If I was to gain 3 stone tomorrow would I be cured. Probably not.

Its not about wanting to stay ill, it's about knowing my limitations and how hard to push myself.
Hospital was a safe environment, one where I could weight restore and not have to deal with the aftermath of feelings on my own.  In the community is not so easy.

My therapist is working on compassion. Supporting me through trauma and all the feelings that sit alongside it.  Its tough.  We don't talk about food, how I'm managing my meal plan or how to move forward with weight gain.  I struggle with this but I am keeping myself safe.  My blood work is on the normal scale, I know what foods to eat to make sure I am getting the right nutrients.  My dietitian is happy.

Food restriction keeps me in control of my emotions, eating sends me into turmoil.
I often overeat and seek permission from my Husband that its OK to do so and I'm not greedy.  He tells me if I'm hungry to eat, this is normal behaviour and I need it. Rice Krispies are currently my go to food.
I have been open about my urges to purge or exercise and have admitted to times when the urges have been so strong I have lost control.
I am pulled in all directions and the slightest thing can send me into over thinking and fight or flight mode.
I need to talk about this as soon as it happens but does that make me needy?  Do I need to validate every single thought.
I hate my brain at the moment but this is all part of my recovery.  I hate how I'm feeling, that I'm not in control of my emotions, that I can break down at the slightest thing and want to run away from it all.
I have the crisis team number and I have come close at times to calling them.....I haven't needed to as I have managed to ride it through.  Not easy in a public place.
Thank you to those who told me last night that they liked my top.

My illness is not all about weight.....It is what it is.

xx

I am sorry

I am sorry.....

My heart feels like a knife has been driven through it.

Therapy brought up feelings of sadness, shame, disgust, embarrassment.

At the moment I don't want to feel. Feeling hurts.

It was like being back there, in that moment.  I tried so hard not to cry, not to show my weakness.

There were so many things I wanted to say and so many reasons why I couldn't.

Today I learnt of a friend of a friend who has died.  She was young, she was beautiful, she needed help.

I feel for her family and those she left behind.

I feel for those I love, those who find it hard to cope being around me because I upset them too much.

I feel for the child that I nurtured, who I care for deeply who is hurting. 

I have caused that pain and it only adds to mine.

What you are feeling, I am feeling too.

Must do better.

The past week has been exhausting. I tried to put the anger I felt after I was dismissed from my job into something positive.  I emailed the company suggesting they revised the way they support staff with a mental health problem, and received the bog standard ' we take all our employees health and well being seriously' email back.

I have been trying to focus on the positives after going through a week of emotions and separating them from the facts. Although I may not agree with their decision, I understand why they made it.

Today I received another blow. 

My care coordinator/eating disorder nurse who has been working with me since late 2016 has made the decision to transfer my care to Dom my therapist. This is not all bad as we have a good therapist/patient relationship but unfortunately the sessions are time limited.

My nurses reasoning for the change, is that I am not managing weight restoration and have only maintained for the past few weeks.

After my discharge from Hospital (that's for another blog post) I agreed to reach a certain BMI, this was unsuccessful so the goal was decreased and then we compromised on a  maintenance weight.

Although I am engaging in weekly therapy, I know if my weight drops, cognitively I will not be able engage properly as starvation has a detrimental effect on the brain and your way of thinking. 

I would be lying if I said I didn't know this was coming.

NHS waiting lists for eating disorder outpatient treatment are long and although the ed team in Somerset has increased over the past 8 years they still struggle.

So where does that leave me now?  

I feel sadness at the loss of my support; failure that I was unable to stick to my meal plan; guilt that I have let my friends and family down; not good enough, rejected and alone.

Above all I feel scared. Very scared. 

I understand the reasoning behind the decision, (must try harder) and am trying to use wise mind as opposed to emotional mind.

Someone on a facebook group said to me, 'Please don't take it personally or use it as a reason to mistreat yourself.'  She is very right. I did not use my 'go to' behaviours instead I used compassion and kindness towards myself, something I struggle with daily.

Tomorrow is another day, another small step, another learning curve.

If all I can do at the moment is keep myself safe then that is enough. 

Must do better.

Labels are for Jars, not people.

My name is Jackie and I am a person........

Around 16 months ago, after an assessment with my Psychiatrist, I was sat in her consulting room waiting on the results of her diagnosis. At this time you could say I was, not quite myself. 

As she sat at her computer scrolling through the many notes the team had made, the first words she said were, 'now try not to get too hung up on the wording of this.'  Well that was it, I was already into over thinking mode as to what variety of labelling she was going to put on my already fragile shell.

Where am I going to fit in?  How am I going to fit in, I already felt like a misfit, a square peg in a round hole.

'You have Anorexia, recurrent severe depressive disorder, complex trauma ptsd, anxiety and emotionally unstable personality disorder aka borderline personality disorder or bpd.'

Nice suit I thought, my trick cyclist was a snappy dresser.

OK, you can give me 4 of those but bpd.... take it back.  Put it in the reject bin.

My issue with this diagnosis was a person in my past had bpd, and there was no way I was anything like her.  I googled it (don't we all) going through the diagnostic criteria crossing off everything that didn't apply.  I was not going to be like her.

Recently I was doing some work on emotional regulation and my nurse explained it can help with aspects of bpd.  Again I would not accept that this was part of me, how could it?

After working with a psychologist (who doesn't do labels) I have started to use positive coping techniques to help when I feel overwhelmed, in threat mode or feel the need to use negative coping behaviours.  I can now challenge negative thoughts about myself and it helps with over thinking.  I'm no where near being fixed but I am making small steps to recovery...medication helps too.

The point of this post is that I am starting to accept that yes maybe I do have traits of a personality disorder, it does not mean that I am that person I knew before. Some people are just dickheads, and she was a dickhead. 

Having a diagnostic label does not define me.  Sometimes labels come off and you might get dog food when you are expecting peas.

I am a person, an individual.  I am not my anorexia, my depression or my (ahem) personality disorder.

Dom,  (lovely psychologist Man who always wears a grey and purple jumper on a Wednesday) showed me a chart of my weights from 2010 until present day.

He asked me to look at my highest weight and think about who was  Jackie then?

Good shout Dom.  That Jackie was confident and funny, she needs to be found again.

Maybe I've been labelled as tinned prunes when really there's a sweet pud inside.

My name is Jackie and I live with  anorexia, depression, anxiety, ptsd and bpd.  I am a person not my illness.

I'm back!!

I can't believe Its been nearly 18 months since my last entry.  Apologies to my followers and hope there are still some readers out there.
My lack of posts is due to lots going on with my mental health (surprise surprise) and a liveware issue of foggy brain forgetting my log in details! I think today's porridge must have given my brain a well needed kick start.
So what's been going on?
2017 started with... actually I have no idea how it started.  I can only presume it was with a glass in my hand and the intention to change my life for the better.
I had been absent from work since the previous June and decided to drop down to a less stressful role.  This initially worked out well as was only a 5 minute walk to work and my phased return initially meant I could work around my meals and my numerous medical appointments.
For someone who does not do mornings well, it was bliss to roll out of bed and have work practically on my doorstep. Unfortunately things did not work out as planned but I shall come to that later.
March was my big 50th which I spent on a beach in the stunning Dominican Republic. Massive shout out to the Hubster and Deb and Glyn for arranging what was without a doubt the best holiday I have had and will never forget.  It was the most relaxed I had been in ages and I even managed a practically all-nighter at a very interesting club/cabaret called the Coco Bongo.
There's life in the old dog yet, although I wont go into detail about the podium dance. 

My birthday didn't stop there either. The day we flew back I was due to go out for a drink with friends. My Son texted to say he couldn't come over and other friends said they were busy. 
I couldn't understand why Kev was pushing me to go out especially when we were both knackered and I would have settled for a coronation street omnibus, some haribo and the cat! 
Little did I know what my friends had in store, but a suprise get together along with a very good friend who had made an amzing cake and driven from Evesham.
March was a good month, things were looking up......It didn't take long for the downwards spiral.

Please don't tell me..

Please don't tell me I look well....

How you perceive me on the outside is not how I am feeling on the inside.
'Looking well'  is not being picked up by the police in the early hours of the morning after worrying your friends and family half to death...
'Looking well' does not tell you how I sleep at night, trying to shut up the dark thoughts which remain with me the next day.
'Looking well' does not explain how one day I can be bright, animated and fun; but the next the smile slips, the brightness dims, my heart is numb.
'Looking well' does not show you how many times I weighed myself this morning. How I went from elation to desperation in a period of a few seconds and how my whole day is now focused on that number.
'Looking well' is screaming 'why?'
'Looking well' is making my heart bleed.
I have no care for how I look, I just know I do not feel well.

Best Foot Forward.

In March of this year I stood in front of a group of Counselling students and gave a talk about my experience going through recovery from an eating disorder.  My finishing line stated, that after my Husbands heart attack, 'If I can get through that without using e.d behaviours I can get through anything.'
So why is it, over 4 months later I am struggling again?
Maybe I was fooling myself that full recovery is possible.
Maybe I was too complacent.
Or maybe, relapse is part of this completed and never clear process.
Whatever the reasons; what I do know is that I have beaten this before and have more knowledge, tools and a good support network to get back on the right track.
Recognising and being honest with myself and others is the first step.
I have many more steps to take, some forward, some back.  I will stumble and fall down, but will always  get back up and start again.
Best foot forward, here goes......

January 20th. It's ok.

It's OK to say, I'm not OK,

That I'm back on the 'happy pills'

That I struggle to get out of bed,

And the smile on the outside doesn't show,

On the inside I feel dead.

It's OK to admit I feel a fake,

That I let people down,

That the things I say,

I don't always feel that way.

It's OK to say it's a struggle,

That I'm fighting the thoughts in my head.

But I'm fighting,

Not giving in,

And that's OK,

I will be OK.

I will continue to win.

A friend said to me recently, Stop pretending everything's OK when it's not." And she is right.

Everything is not OK and it's OK to admit that.

It's really shocking how quickly depression can creep up on you and before you know it, bang you're sucked into the black hole and everything that goes with it.

I was afraid to admit something was wrong for many reasons.  I didn't want to worry my Family or Friends. I felt I was letting people down in the Eating Disorders community, those I was trying to support. I felt a failure in myself as I always said I would never feel this way again.

I have had to put myself first and feel bad for disconnecting from the groups and forums I was involved in....but I need to keep myself safe.  I have hidden any posts from my news feed from Facebook friends which may be weight/diet related as I currently feel unable to cope with seeing these. I have stopped posting on a blogging site as I was expected to comment on fellow bloggers posting, often these were also diet related.

I have no reason to feel the way I do, there are no triggers, no issues...I am confused.

My Doctor said it goes with the territory and I shouldn't beat myself up about it. I'm back on the happy pills and I go back to see her in 3 weeks.

I still advocate recovery from eating disorders, and I do believe I will get through this bit of a blip.

It is OK not to be OK.

January 4th. Rebel With A Cause.

Remember the good old school days?  Disobeying the rules, two strikes then out!!! Even worse, Miss writing your name on the blackboard!!! Thankfully I never got as far as that so didn't find out what happened after your name was chalked down and subsequently rubbed out!

Facebook groups at times feel a bit like being back at school.

Now don't get me wrong, I know rules are there for reason.  I am a member of several groups both within the blogging and eating disorders community, and particularly within the ED groups there is a general rule regarding posting photos, weights, medical information etc due to the triggering risk to its members.

I also realise that there are a lot of trolls and spammers on the Internet. People who use groups productively do not want their news-feed blocked with advertising for their latest venture or sales material. 

More often than not I would say that group members I have come across are respectful of rules but sometimes errors are made.

Group threads can be confusing. Dependent on how you are accessing the information you may miss a pinned post. Newer postings bump back to the top causing a shift in the structure.....gives me a headache just thinking about it!

You may well comment on more posts than are suggested  in the chain rules!!!! Isn't that what blogs are about? Finding a common interest, starting a discussion, sharing. You may even post more than a thumbnail, buts its not the end of the world.  Just remember there are ways of telling people they have made mistake. Don't write their name on the board or make them stand up in class so everyone can see, that's just not nice!!!

Back to the school days.  I always wanted to write something I shouldn't within the content of an essay, just to see if 'Sir' actually read it and commented.  Of course I never did... too scared of the repercussions.

I wonder if the person I am talking about today will read and recognise this and maybe think about the way she approaches people?  I haven't been banned off a group since the day I spammed Abbercrombie and Fitch with pictures of Body Gossip T-shirts!!  Lets hope not.

See you all tomorrow xx

Wishing You All A Very 'Elfy' Christmas

Tis The Season To Be Jolly, Fa La La la La La La la Laaaaaaaaaaa

'It's the most wonderful time of the year,' 'Eat, drink and be merry,' are two of many expressions used at Christmas. For me Christmas is about family and friends, spending time with those you love and care for, along with having time off work mixed in with some wonderful food and a decent bottle (or three) of wine.

I will not forget those who are no longer with me......  Mum and Dad will be remembered, possibly with a few happy and sad tears. 

I will also be thinking of my friends who have lost loved ones over the past year. The first year is the hardest, but it does get easier. Remember the Christmas you had last year or the year before and smile. Keep that thought and they will be with you in your heart :)

I think about those in the Eating Disorder community who are still battling a dreadful illness. Christmas is possibly one of the worst times, food is just everywhere. Try not to focus on the food but focus on the positives of spending time with your loved ones. Speak to your parents/partner/friends and have a varied menu that you have some control over so you are not under too much stress. If you have a food plan, try and stick to it, It will be worth it. Have a buddy to help you out at parties, especially if you are confused about portion control.

 When you eat Xmas Dinner don't beat yourself up thinking you have lost control, remember you can be the one in control and by having lunch you have controlled your eating disorder. You have kicked its ass!!!

If you feel guilty afterwards and feel the need to purge, say to yourself 'this too shall pass.'  The feeling won't stick around forever, think distraction, distraction, distraction.

Text a friend, have a funny game of charades, take a walk and take in the peace of Christmas Day.

If you are on your own this Christmas think of all the things you like to do for yourself. Make the day about YOU, because you are important and worth the time.

Within all the chaos, noise, expense, mess and stress remember to take a little time for yourself. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and hope to catch you in the New Year.

I am the 1 in 4

Many years ago whilst as a student at college, my tutor told the class that 1 in 4 of us would at some point in our lives suffer from a mental illness. I remember visually scanning the room trying to hazard a guess who would be the 'nutty' one. For one minute I never thought it would be me!

I cannot pinpoint at what age my mental health problems began, but thinking back it was probably at quite a young age. I was always a very emotional and highly strung child, my medical records noted 'attention seeking,' but not once did anyone ask me what was gong on in my life. 

I was taken to many appointments when I was in primary school, non of which I can remember much about but I was always told to tell the teacher it was 'personal.' The clinic I attended was attached to a local psychiatric hospital, the place my Mum always said I would drive her to...........
My teenage years weren't filled with the angst you would expect, they were filled with sadness, fear and dread and on reflection I can now recognise the beginnings of stress, anxiety and something I rarely discuss, self-harm.
As I left home and moved from my early teens to my late teenager years the feelings I had remained.I didn't know what to do with them or how to cope with them.....so I self medicated with alcohol.....and lots of it.
When I think back to the times I sat just numb, feeling nothing and then switching to hours of crying. I had no idea what was going on in my life!
I remember having a really positive period then sinking again. It was at this point I realised there was a difference in my behaviour and a dramatic change in my mood but still I didn't do anything about it.
In the late 80's there was still a huge stigma around mental illness, it was something that wasn't really discussed and therefore I didn't seek any professional help. It wasn't until I was in the depths of an eating disorder that I realised only with the help of friends that I had a serious problem, and sought help.
This was where my 'recovery,' albeit unsuccessful at the time from Anorexia began.
I am now recovered from my eating disorder but at times do have bouts of self- doubt mixed with anxiety and stress. I am very much a people pleaser and perfectionist. I hate to get things wrong and over think, worrying constantly.  Recently I have been feeling quite depressed again and it can hit me with no warning.  I am very mindful of this and am working to put self care strategies in place to not let it eat me up.

The main reason for this post today is in recognition of World Mental Health day and to stress that we are not all knife wielding crazy people like some tabloid newspapers like to make out!!
There has been a recent scandal with 2 major Supermarket chains selling 'Mental patient,' costumes for Halloween, suggesting that these patients were scary and you would run away from them!!
Some people have said that protesters were overreacting and it was political correctness gone mad. Take it from me, I understand the stigma of being a patient in a 'mental' hospital. I have had to be treated by a dentist whilst an in-patient who was visibly frightened to treat me!

Mental illness is scary, mental illness is isolating, but try to remember we are people just like you and I and sometime we just need to be asked if we are ok.........xxxxx

"When Anorexia Came To Visit." Introducing my guest Blogger......Bev Mattocks

How exciting. I have a visitor to my page! Not just any visitor, but a wonderful Woman who is the author of not one but two books highlighting the experiences of caring for a child with Anorexia.  I am very honoured to have my first guest blogger, Bev Mattocks talking about her new book, 'When Anorexia Came To Visit,' which I have recently purchased and am reading through teary eyes.

Introducing Bev Mattocks

The cupcake queen gets a sneak preview of my new book: “When Anorexia Came To Visit”

By Bev Mattocks

.

“How do I know you? How did you become my ‘friend’ on Facebook?” I asked the red-haired stranger in the pub where we were sharing a couple of cold drinks on the hottest Sunday of the year. I was en-route to the south coast and had asked if I could meet up with her for a chat.

“Probably via the Men Get Eating Disorders Too website?” she suggested. “Or your blog? To be honest, I’ve no idea!”

But anyway, there we were, chatting as if we’d known each other for ages. And in a way we had, ‘virtually’, through Facebook and so on – and, of course, through her wonderful book The Cupcake Queen Bites Back which I bought and reviewed the moment it was published.

I gingerly pushed another book across the table; the final printed proof of my new book When Anorexia Came To Visit: families talk about how an eating disorder invaded their lives. Jackie was the first person I’d showed it to and I’m always a little nervous of first impressions.

It’s my second book. The first was Please eat… a mother’s struggle to free her teenage son from anorexia, published in March 2013, which describes our own story of dealing with an eating disorder. Following on from this I was keen to see how it overlapped with other families’ experiences. So I put a few feelers out there via my various online networks. 20 families came back to me almost immediately, each happy to be interviewed for this new book, families with boys as well as girls and from all areas of the UK.

Within the pages of When Anorexia Came To Visit you will read many positive and inspirational stories of hope - of excellent GPs and healthcare professionals working with parents to get the child well. But you will also read stories where families have battled with, and in some cases are still battling with, inadequate services and treatment, especially evident once a child reaches the age of 18 and no longer qualifies for adolescent services.  

The primary purpose of this book is to help parents to identify the warning signs of an eating disorder and take prompt action – and to empower them to demand the best, evidence-based treatment for their child while drawing on the strategies that these 20 families found most helpful.

The other purpose is to highlight inconsistencies in the way eating disorder treatment is delivered across the UK – and to draw attention to the problems encountered at GP level where there is often a low awareness of the complexities and symptoms of eating disorders.

I was delighted when Professor Janet Treasure OBE agreed to write the Foreword for When Anorexia Came To Visit. Becky Henry, whose book Just Tell Her To Stop: Family Stories of Eating Disorders is the US-equivalent of mine and which inspired my book, volunteered to write the Preface. And Laura Collins, Founder of F.E.A.S.T. (Families Empowered And Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders) and author of Eating With Your Anorexic has written the Introduction.

Getting a son or daughter through an eating disorder is one of the toughest and most distressing things parents will ever do. But re-visiting painful memories is unbelievably tough, too. Yet each of the families I interviewed for this book willingly volunteered to come forward and describe their own struggles.

Not only did they agree to talk frankly about their experiences, they agreed to read through the various drafts I sent through for checking. In other words, being involved in this book meant having to re-visit distressing memories not once but several times over. This takes courage and commitment. It also demonstrates how much these families care about others - families they have never met who will read this book and hopefully draw inspiration, strength and hope from its pages.

Both of my books are available on Amazon and as Kindle downloads.

Bev Mattocks is the author of Please Eat… A mother’s struggle to free her teenage son from anorexia  http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0957511809

Her second book When anorexia came to visit: Families talk about how an eating disorder invaded their lives http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0957511841 has just been published, with a Foreword by Professor Janet Treasure OBE

Both are available on Amazon and as Kindle downloads

Visit Bev’s blog AnorexiaBoyRecovery http://anorexiaboyrecovery.blogspot.co.uk/

A Date To Remember. Happy Anniversary to me.......

Everyone has dates they remember, some fondly and some they choose to forget.

For me there are many...

March 17th 1967- My Birthday.

July 22nd 1985-the day I left home.

July 1987- my admission to hospital for Anorexia.

July 21st 1989-My wedding day to my Sons Dad.

December 1990-my first relapse.

February 1991-getting pregnant :)

November 21st 1991-My Sons Birthday

July 20th 1998- the day my first marriage broke up.

August 1998-Met Kev

July 1999-my second relapse.

2001-my third (hiccup)

July 19th 2005-My Dad died.

July 8th 2008- I married Kev :)

May 26th 2009- My best friend died. (we had fallen out and not spoken for over a year)

May 2010- my fourth relapse

November 2010-the decision to recover properly this time.

March 16th 2011-My Mum died.

March 16th 2012-Hip operation

 There are obviously a hell of a lot more, but I'm sure you are not interested in my first period, losing my virginity, first tattoo, having my ingrowing toenail done,when Toby first used his potty, as if I can actually remember!!

Anyway, back to today.

July 16th is my 2 year anniversary of being discharged from the eating disorders team, and I am celebrating with guilt free beans and cheese on toast with a can of cider.

I am often asked the question,'Do you ever recover fully from an eating disorder?' or 'How do I know I will never go back there?'

These are really difficult questions to answer as I cannot see into the future, but what I do have is belief in myself and a much deeper understanding of me and the illness. When I think back on how much time I have wasted, and how much energy I have put into Anorexia over the years it seems complete madness and it makes me feel sad.............

but I am not a negative person, and I can, and do see positives in the difficult periods of my life.

I wonder who I would be if I hadn't experienced a mental illness. Would I be the strong, motivated Woman that I am now, or would I still be a frightened, timid little girl trapped inside a Woman's body?

It is only through recovery that I have met some amazing people who have influenced and motivated me throughout my journey...alongside the best Family and friends you could want.

I know some have thought that now I am recovered that is it! Leave the world of e.d alone....but I can't do that. I have a strong passion for recovery and after years of suffering from low self-esteem I want to shout from the rooftops, "You are f*****g gorgeous and don't let anyone, especially society tell you otherwise."

So to all you reading this, happy Anniversary to me....and thank you, thank you, thank you. xxxxx

I wonder.......

I wonder...

What would you make of all this?  Would you think my writing too personal or have I said things you wouldn't approve of? Would you have been the first person to buy my book then rush to the neighbours to show off about it?  I wonder....

Would you have listened to my interview with a proud smile on your face whilst thinking,'That's my girl.'

Would you have recorded it then played it to any poor person who entered the house like you did with my CD?  I wonder....

Would you be proud of what I have achieved, my recovery, my positivity and my future. 

I think you would.....

This time 2 years ago I had the news that my Mum was seriously ill, she passed in the early hours of the morning and I was unable to travel in time to see her.

The first anniversary of her death passed me by as I was in a haze of morphine after an operation, and In a way I was grateful for that distraction. This year I have no distraction and the feelings are something I will need to deal with.  I wish My Mum could have seen me as I am now. I hate the fact she didn't know that I had recovered. Eating disorders show little regard for the feelings of others!!  With Dad gone too I am grateful for what family I have left and the closeness of my friends. 

Before & After

My Sister And I

Whilst trying to promote my book I was approached by a company who research and sell 'human interest,' stories to Womens magazines in the UK. Most of my UK readers may recognise the likes of 'Take a break,' 'Chat,' 'Bella' and 'Womens Own.' Now these are magazines that in the past I have bought and at times poured through every article looking for diets and advice on how to be a better woman on the outside!!  They are filled with pieces on lifestyle choices, cosmetic surgery gone wrong, how to drop a dress size, have a better sex life, find a man,woman or dog. They tell us who is in or out in the celeb world, whilst pointing out all their wrinkles, muffin tops and bad hair days. Shock horror probe, skinny celeb papped eating doughnut!!  Is this really news? Is this really what we are about?

Forgive my rambles, the point being whilst the researcher was in fact interested in my book and story, the sad thing was that the Magazines would want photographs of when I was ill!  Why?  What purpose was this for other than to sensationalise the story of a woman who had an eating disorder. We all know what someone looks like emaciated for goodness sake, what people are not aware of is that not all sufferers of an eating disorder are underweight.  And just because someone was thin and is now looking a little more healthy does not mean they are recovered!

The whole point of my book was to raise awareness as well as money for an eating disorders charity, not to plaster photos that could trigger others who were vulnerable.

I spoke to my Sister about the photos this evening and she was correct in pointing out that I do have photos on my face book account. Yes I do, but they are there alongside my friends and family making good memories, and there they shall stay.  Within my control.

The Cupcake Queen Bites Back is available on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

A day In My Shoes........

 

Eating Disorders Awareness...

A Day In My Shoes

Don't judge me on what you see, 

A lost and broken soul,

Taunted night and day with numbers in my head,

That dinner you eat, it filled me with dread.

Why don't you eat? Its as easy as that.

I wish.....

Don't judge me for what I said,

It wasn't me,

It was the voices in my head,

Don't eat, you'll get fat, you're ugly, worthless,

A failure,

Rejected.

Don't judge me for how I made you feel,

I was keeping myself safe,

I was in control,

Keeping my emotions in check,

Numb, black, despairing of life and living.

A void....

Don't judge me for being, 

Give me a switch,

If I could I would have flicked it ten times over, I would.

And another thousand of times,

For all those still fighting,

And those who have lost......

If I could have told myself how bad it would get,

I would have told myself a millions time over.

I don't judge myself,

So don't you....

Jackie

Eating Disorders awareness Week, Everybody Knows Somebody. beat ed  Body Gossip

You can buy my book on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com

all royalties go to sweda

Somebody........

EDAW 2012

This video from beat says it all really. Everybody knows somebody, and you may not even realise.

Eating Disorders are not all about what is noticeable on the outside. It is a severe life threatening mental illness which needs support. Unfortunately the media can get on the Anorexia band wagon  and leave the lesser know ED behind. Sufferers with ednos, bulimia, binge eating disorder can feel unworthy of help as they don't look ill......  how tragic is that?  A friend of mine recently wrote about self harm and suicide on her blog as it is so closely linked with eating disorders. Her words I wish I had hear when I felt darkness and despair.  I was a lucky one, others have not been so lucky.

It astounds me that for such a widespread illness there is so much stigma and ignorance still!!

Over the years I have had many comments about my illness.  I was accused of taking up a worthwhile bed in a hospital, called a stupid little girl by a Nurse, asked if I died how would I pay my catalogue bill (from a friend!) told I look like a Cambodian and even my Dr called it my 'little problem.' When the hell will mental illness be given the same regard as a physical illness.

Know one can know how you are feeling, what you are thinking, what pain and desperation you feel on a daily basis or how dark your life is. 

So when you meet that 'somebody' please remember this. They are a person, a person with feelings, a person who needs love, support and compassion.  I was a 'Somebody'.......

My book 'The Cupcake Queen Bites back.' is available on amazon.com and amazon.co.uk
All proceeds go to a local ED charity. Thank you.

I have a very skinny brain......

Eating Disorders Awareness

Many people with eating disorders, particularly anorexia, will talk about the conflict within their head, their anorexic voice, and I was no different.

I felt like I was being constantly tested. Food was everywhere, in shops, in my kitchen, on TV, in magazines, the temptation was painful but the feeling when I denied myself and didn't give in was so worth it, or so I believed. That was what my Anorexia was telling me.  It had gotten into every part of my being and was biting away at my personality, my character, my relationships, my thought processes and my ability rationalise or reason.

What I didn't realise was that starvation has a funny effect on the brain!  The brain ultimately is an organ, this needs nutrition just like other organs in your body. If you deprive your body of the nutrition it needs you are also starving your brain.  Your thinking will be slow and foggy, you will make bad choices/decisions, lack in concentration and will constantly think about food!!  Unfortunately the more starved you become the worse the Anorexic thinking becomes.  Its a vicious circle and the only cure is to eat.  As easy as that? Not quite!!

One thing that changed for me during recovery was reading the Minnesota experiment which explained easily what happens to a person during starvation. Have a read. You may be surprised.

It certainly helped me to understand what I was doing to my body, why I was thinking the way I was and what to expect during recovery.  

So if you know someone with Anorexia, please don't tell then to just eat or snap out of it. Don't expect them to see themselves how you are seeing them, its so much bigger than that. Support and listen........

Once I was able to begin eating again I was able to work on my triggers, deal with the emotional feelings surrounding eating and  to tell that Anorexic voice where it could get off  and never, ever come back.  But that's a story for another day ....

Choose Freedom, choose Life.

Eating Disorders Awareness 2013

How did you recover? This is a question I have been asked many times, a question which has no easy or definite answer.  In short, I had to want to recover.

I was originally diagnosed with anorexia but realistically my ED switched between anorexia (restricting type) and anorexia( binge purge type).  In the sometimes long periods of what I would class as recovery I may not be showing classic ed signs but would have the thoughts, horrendous negative body image, low self esteem and a general feeling of worthlessness.  My instant reaction to stress or feeling out of control within my life would result in food restriction or purging. It made me feel better, gave me a sense of release from my emotions and a way of numbing emotional pain, all at a cost to my physical and mental health.

My decision to choose recovery wasn't an easy choice.  You may find that difficult to grasp, the choice is ultimately live or die, and when I say that I didn't choose to have an ed how can I make the choice not to have one?  The problem with starvation is is screws with your head as well as your body. You may think you are in control but that couldn't be further than the truth. Your head is f****d up, thoughts are not rational, your thinking pattern is all over the place as well as your metabolism. You have well and truly thrown a spanner in your works and it will take more than a pill from the Doctor to fix you up again.The thought of giving up a part of my life, my whole being, my identity is a scary prospect.  But this was a choice I made and the best decision I have ever made, but I couldn't have got where I am today without support.

When I think back to my hospital admission in the late 80's and to how I achieved recovery now, what had changed?

Apart from being a hell of a lot older with more responsibilities society has changed. We have more access to information in the form of the Internet and particularly social networking sites. We are able to communicate with people from all over the world at the touch of a button and we can be anonymous.....

I did of course require professional help in the form of my GP, Dietitian, specialised ED nurse and counsellor. These were the people who kept me physically safe, helped me make sense of what was going on in my head and ultimately accept responsibility for myself.

I started going to a  support group, where I was not judged and able to talk about my ed with people like myself.  I still attend to give support and hope to those still affected.

I also had my angels, these were the ones on the Internet, fac book and you tube who advocated for recovery and helped me to believe in myself.

Body Gossip who's films have reduced me to tears many times and helped me to believe I am worth it.

Freedom Fighters  are a group of inspirational women give practical advice and hope for recovery.

We bite back is the first website I came across which advocated recovery as an option.

beat is a UK based ed charity which has a helpline and forum.

I hope you find these links of some help, if you or someone you care for are suffering please seek medical advice. There is hope.