it is what it is.

You look well?
 What the fuck does that mean?  Can you see inside my head? 
Society today is so hung up on personal appearance.  Photos are filtered, we can choose what to show to the rest of the world.
Social media shows what we want people to see, our perfect worlds, perfect friends, perfect lives.
Nobody really knows what is going on in others lives, its all a big fantasy. 

I live in a bubble, a bubble that my nurse once said she would pop.  My bubble keeps me safe, protects me from others and my own thoughts.
My illness is not all about weight.  If I was to gain 3 stone tomorrow would I be cured. Probably not.

Its not about wanting to stay ill, it's about knowing my limitations and how hard to push myself.
Hospital was a safe environment, one where I could weight restore and not have to deal with the aftermath of feelings on my own.  In the community is not so easy.

My therapist is working on compassion. Supporting me through trauma and all the feelings that sit alongside it.  Its tough.  We don't talk about food, how I'm managing my meal plan or how to move forward with weight gain.  I struggle with this but I am keeping myself safe.  My blood work is on the normal scale, I know what foods to eat to make sure I am getting the right nutrients.  My dietitian is happy.

Food restriction keeps me in control of my emotions, eating sends me into turmoil.
I often overeat and seek permission from my Husband that its OK to do so and I'm not greedy.  He tells me if I'm hungry to eat, this is normal behaviour and I need it. Rice Krispies are currently my go to food.
I have been open about my urges to purge or exercise and have admitted to times when the urges have been so strong I have lost control.
I am pulled in all directions and the slightest thing can send me into over thinking and fight or flight mode.
I need to talk about this as soon as it happens but does that make me needy?  Do I need to validate every single thought.
I hate my brain at the moment but this is all part of my recovery.  I hate how I'm feeling, that I'm not in control of my emotions, that I can break down at the slightest thing and want to run away from it all.
I have the crisis team number and I have come close at times to calling them.....I haven't needed to as I have managed to ride it through.  Not easy in a public place.
Thank you to those who told me last night that they liked my top.

My illness is not all about weight.....It is what it is.

xx

February 10th. BeYOUtiful warts and all.

As promised, an update on my makeover photoshoot last Saturday, written with Body Gossip  We Are Fabulous In February and Leyah Shanks Body Confidence in mind.

For those of you who are up to date with the UK weather, the south west of England is still being battered with heavy rainfall and strong winds.  Suffice to say after dodging the rain in between trains and taxis I turned up at the studio looking a little more 'weathered' than usual. 

I was initially very nervous but was greeted by a very bubbly lady who went through a questionnaire of the 'look' that I was hoping for and what colours, styles I liked or wanted to avoid.  I was as usual very indecisive but eventually went for the 'vintage' look.

After a glass of bubbly I was shown to the hair/make-up area and spent the next 'what seemed like an eternity,' having my hair 'fluffed up' and my face used as some sort of canvas.  I must admit, my first impression was a little shocking!!  I could only just keep my eyes open with the weight of eyeliner, mascara and eyeshadow, I felt like a china doll.

I was then met by Marcus, my photographer.  He was Italian and a bit of a cheeky chappy who did his best to make me feel comfortable.

I was shown to the studio where Marcus went through the outfits I had chosen.  2 pairs of stripper shoes, compulsory mans shirt, trilby, 2 pairs of pants that are barely worth wearing, 1 1950's style waist chincher, balconette scaffolding, a vintage style tea dress and not forgetting my hands to cover the bosoms.

We started off carefully, doing some simple head shots whilst wearing my dress....... and then the clothes started to come off.  Thankfully the studio was well heated.

The whole shoot took about an hour and I have to say I now have the up-most respect for photographic models.  Getting yourself into 'natural' looking poses is not that easy!! I was at first really self conscious but after a while I forgot there was anyone behind the camera, even when I was half naked attempting to look sexy in shoes I couldn't walk in and nearly fell off every time I changed position.

My highlight was laying across a bed, stretched out in underwear and feeling fabulous, I really didn't care, and that felt good.  

When Marcus finished the shoot with,'Jackie you can now put some decent clothes on,' I was straight in the bathroom cleaning the slap of my face.  I wanted to be naked again, but not in a clothing way.

It wasn't long before I was taken into the viewing room to watch a film reel of all my shots with Amy Winehouse 'Valerie' playing in the background.  I was really taken aback when I saw the photos.  My instant reaction was self criticism.  I started to pick myself to pieces but then I stopped myself.

The pictures I were looking at was actually me.

I had a vision in my head of the pose I wanted, the perfect  image I wanted to capture, the model picture I wanted to emulate but that wasn't me. I was the Woman on the screen. The bright, strong, slightly weathered but in her own way beautiful Woman.

I could see the cellulite on the tops of my thighs along with the stretch marks.  I could make out the dimpled skin and the scar from my hip operation.  I could have had all these flaws and imperfections airbrushed out, but I chose not to.  I chose not to because I am not that Woman in a glossy magazine.  I am not that Woman on a street billboard. I am not that Woman shouting out at you from your TV screen that you could look better.

I am me, a 40 something wife and Mother and I am enough.

Stretch Marks, Back Fat And All Things Body Gossip.

The past few weeks have been really hectic with training for a walking Marathon, the emotional turmoil of dealing with my Eldest Sisters diagnosis of Cancer and the weekend travelling to London to visit and offer support. In between all this I have been collecting spoken word interviews from a diverse group of people for the new Body Gossip show due to be scripted for the South Bank Centre in London in October.... and this is what I want to tell you about.
Body Gossip want to showcase our real body thoughts, how we feel about our bodies, what influences us, what we would change if we could, what we find attractive in a partner and a whole lot more.
So far I have spoken to a wide cross section of people. Both genders, a variety of ages, cultures, sizes and races. A lot of what people had to say I expected, but there was a lot which surprised me, saddened me and made me laugh. We spoke about boobs, bums, stretch marks, tattoos, scars, labia's, tummy's,belly buttons, willies, fat, the media and so much more.

So far I have interviewed a woman of 65 who is a naturist.
A Mother (47) with her Sister (30) and 2 children (23+26)
A married couple in their early 60's.
A Mother of 2 who is a pole fitness instructor.
A Man who has lost an incredible amount of weight using a commercial weight loss plan.
2 young men both aged 24.
A woman of 21.
4 women between the ages of 20-35 who are members of the W.I,
Each person had their own unique story to tell, whether it was focused on childbirth, weight loss or acceptance of how they look, each was as important as the other.

One of the people mentioned above was Mitch who lost over 11 stone. At first I had reservations over meeting him. I knew him locally as the front man in a few local bands, but I had my doubts as he was a consultant for a major weight loss company.
I met him in the consulting rooms at his 'wellbeing centre.'  Initially my first reaction to this room was negative. I was faced with a pair of weighing scales in the middle, floor to ceiling of weight loss products and artificial models of pounds of fat on a bookcase!! This was everything that I was not about.
I wanted to turn on my heels and run away but instead I sat my lycra clad bottom (in my running gear) on his leather sofa and sweated it out.
I can safely say I made the right choice. Mitch is an amazing man. He has totally turned his life around and made a lifestyle change for the better.
My regular readers know my opinions on massive diet corporations but I am pleased that Mitch has a balanced view. He recognises the connections between food, thinking and emotions, he doesn't promote a quick fix but takes a holistic approach.
He also has an amazing sense of humour and isn't afraid to talk about his Willie ;) Thanks Mitch xxx

The second group of people I want to tell you about are the Shoreditch Sisters who are a Women's Institute group in east London.
Now if you are like me, your experience of the W.I would be watching the film Calendar Girls or the TV programme, 'Jam & Jerusalem.' So imagine my surprise when I looked at their blog and found vulva patchwork quilts and chocolate clitoris cupcakes!!
Seriously though, these group of women are amazing. Sitting alongside the cycling, crocheting and tie-dyeing are the campaigns against violence towards women and  female genital mutilation.
I met Lauren, Jamila, Martha & Emily in a park in Shoreditch in East London. We found a quiet area and sat on a blanket chatting about parts of your body that generally don't come up in polite conversation. The interviews were entertaining, inspiring and so interesting it was a while before I noticed a man was lying next to us, covering his ears and wailing loudly each time Emily mentioned her boobs!!!
Our time went so quickly, and it was only when my recording device was losing battery I realised we had been there for nearly 4 hours!! Thank you to the Shoreditch Sisters for an informative and fun afternoon and to Jamila's lovely dog, you are forgiven for peeing on my suitcase :)

The deadline for submissions for The Body Gossip Play is the end of August. I have a few more interviews booked in, but if you fancy taking part, either drop me a line, or clink on the Body Gossip link.

BodyLove

On Friday 28th July at 1 pm in London I shall be taking part in the first ever Body Love  Flash-mob organised by Body Gossip.  For those of you who have never heard of Body Gossip, it is a positive body image campaign  run by the wonderful Ruth Rogers & Natasha Devon who work endlessly to banish body shame and encourage everyone to be the best version of themselves (no cover versions here.)  I talk about them here, here and here.

I was first inspired by Body Gossip after coming across a video on you tube called 'This one is For You.' It was a poem written by a young woman with anorexia and amongst other things was what started me on my journey of discovery and writing. It has taken me a very long time to really appreciate myself for who I am as a person, and possibly even longer to see past the physical imperfections that I, like many others, may have focused on.  Body bashing can seriously damage your self esteem, so can full length mirrors and communal changing rooms!!!

Body Gossip are actively doing something to stop this. They are showing the great British public that you can be proud of who you are, no excuses, just un-apologetically you!

Since 2006 Body Gossip have made many other videos, been on TV with Gok Wan himself, published a book containing body stories from the general public as well as celebs, brought out their own range of 'rocking' T-Shirts and now the Flash-Mob.

Why a Flash-Mob you may ask?

Well, Body Gossip are asking us to write on a heart,the name of  a part of our body that we love,and show it to the world through twitter and facebook. This is a statement to show all those companies, magazines, who for financial gain constantly make us feel we are not good enough, not thin enough, not young enough, not firm enough that actually, yes we are enough....... because we are who we are, we are individuals, we are beautiful and we are unique. To quote Natasha Devon, we 'rock our own brand of gorgeous.'

So on Friday, I shall be joining a lot of other gorgeous people and I will be shouting out that I love my Bum :)

Why don't you join me and fight back against body shame. Say yes to Body Love.

Mental Health Awareness Week, Exercise is good for the mind.

This post should have been written yesterday if not even earlier in the week, but that just about sums up how my week has been!!!  I had it mentally written it in my head at about 2 am this morning and at that point should have acted on it.  After a particularly stressful and busy day at work I came home with the beginnings of a migraine. Trying to kick it into touch I decided to go to bed at 5 pm  waking at 9.30 pm and subsequently was unable to sleep for the majority of the night.

Not a good start to my first aid training today. I'm sure at one point my lack of interest and droopy eyes would have given the instructor good reason to confuse me with the resuscitation dummy. The only visible difference was that I had legs!!

Anyway, back to the reasons behind this post. This week has been Mental Health Awareness Week, and the theme being Exercise and Well-being I thought I could share my recent experiences of exercise and fitness and the benefits to your mental health.

To a lot of people you mention exercise, and visions come to them of testosterone packed gyms, sweaty bodies, pumping iron or pounding the pavements. There is so much emphasis put on the body beautiful, the visual, improving your physique, getting a flat stomach or 'bikini body' and fat burning. What about reducing your risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, osteoporosis or keep your body and mind active?  Not forgetting the social aspect, enjoyment and fun. Yes.... exercise and fitness can actually be fun. Have you ever tried Zumba?

Whats going on inside of your skeleton is more important than what you look like outside of it!

I originally signed up with a personal trainer because I needed to get my body back to the strength it was before I had an operation, and also because I needed to tone up the muscles which hadn't been used due to immobility. I was aware of concerns friends had due to my history of eating disorders but was confident in my ability to be mindful of what I could achieve, and I was the one in control......or rather Phil the trainer was!

So for the past 3 weeks I have been out twice a week if not more being pushed and motivated to run, walk, jog, punch, lift kettle bells, plank, crunch, squat and various other punishing exercises. I have no idea if I have  changed my body in any way shape or form yet but what I do know is this,

* I have a great sense of achievement from reaching a goal, however small.

* I feel like I am looking after my body rather than abusing it.

* Despite the often hard routines I laugh and keep my sense of humour.

*When I have had a bad it gets rid of my tensions and angst.

* It helps me to sleep better.

* It increases my mood and energy level.

*I have an increasingly healthy appetite!

*My lung capacity has increased.

* I am motivated :)

What a brilliant list of things that improve my mental health and well being without taking medication, drinking excessively, smoking or eating too much or too little. 

Other things I have learnt from exercising:

* regardless of the size of your boobs 2 sports bras are better than one.

* star jumps are no good if you haven't done pelvic floor exercises after childbirth!

*The man on the seafront likes to watch me do chest presses so now I face his lounge window :)

*Kettle bells hurt if you hit yourself in the leg.

* My coordination is crap but makes it funny.

*When Phil says'duck' move your head out of the way or you may get hit.

* visualise someones face on the pad when boxing, I can guarantee a stronger punch.

*Star jumps are better if you sing YMCA along to them.

* The hokey cokey can be sang along to most exercises.

*When I do squats I look like I'm having a poo.

*Lycra is never attractive......end of!

*apparently I gurn a lot.

* I look like I'm having sex when doing several floor movements. (not sure how Phil knows this)

*I say, "I can't" a lot, then do it and swear.

*I like to run up grass banks, but get a little scared going back down.

So there you have it. Exercise is fun and good for you, but know your limitations. On that point I must share I'm having a week off as I've knackered my knee. My exercise this week will involve lifting a glass to my mouth and pointing the remote at the TV. Have a good weekend.

Have Faith.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, how well you think you do something it only takes one little knock to smack every little bit of self confidence you have into touch. And that is what has happened to me recently.......

I don't have a problem with my appearance or my self-image, I've pretty much reached a pinnacle with that one, but I'm beginning to lose belief in some of my decisions and judgments.

When your confidence falters you can hear it in the shakiness of your voice, you can feel it in the pounding of your heart at meetings, the endless thoughts and worries when you try and sleep at night, the numerous trips to the loo when you get to work with a dodgy tummy!!

I used to be such a bloody tough cookie. Granted I'm not everyones cup of tea and I have been told I can blow hot and cold (Must remember to take my HRT) but out of everything I had the belief in the work that I did.

When I think back to what has changed I think the catalyst was my eating disorder. I had several months off from work, isolated myself from my colleagues and when I returned found it hard to fit in and in some ways still do! A year later I was again off work for several weeks at a time with pleurisy and then another 4 months following an operation.  These experiences change people. Lack of social contact changes people.

Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist and am frustrated by not having enough hours in the day to achieve what I want to make me feel like I'm doing a good job. Maybe I need to just give myself a slap and regain some faith in myself!!

Hopefully I have just had a bad week and blowing everything out of proportion. 

We shall see.

Growing Old Disgracefully.

The wonderful Body Gossip today released their new film entitled 'Ageing Gracefully.' Once again the team have got it so right with their mixture of witty humour and stark reality whilst questioning,'whats so bad about looking our age?'  I have no idea If I look my age! I am well aware of the fact that most of the time I feel a lot older and act a lot younger. Getting older appearance wise has never really bothered me. I need to look after my bones due to early menopause after a hysterectomy and subsequently having osteoporosis. I have had my share of varicose veins stripping, constantly forget things and have recently had a major hip operation' all before the age of 45!!! I would love to think that when I'm in my 70's there will be nothing left to go wrong!! 

I can hope....

Growing Old Disgracefully

At the age of Ten,

I would stuff socks in a bra,

Wear lipstick like my Mum,

And dream of going far.

At the age of Fifteen,

I still stuffed my bra with socks!!

Tried to look nineteen,

Hid scars from chicken pox.

At eighteen the milestone age,

Starvation made me young again,

I shackled myself into a cage,

And tried to take away my pain.

At the age of twenty one,

My hair was pink, and red and blue

I was a different woman every week,

With a fetish for Doc Martin Shoes.

At the age of twenty four,

I gave birth to my Son,

I couldn't ask for any more,

I didn't, he was my only one!

At the age of twenty five,

I was looking knackered,

I had suitcases under my eyes,

And everything was sagging.

At the age of thirty one,

My body told a tale,

Of desperation, hurt despair,

Tied to a bathroom scale.

When I reached the big 4-0

My laughter lines had turned to trenches,

My boobies you could almost throw,

Or rest on park benches!!

The demon came back at forty three,

No way was this going to win,

I beat it back, I guarantee,

No longer will it get under my skin.

By the time I got to forty five,

Every thing's heading down south,

My hips hurt when I try to jive,

My teeth are evicting my mouth.

So now I'm nearly forty six,

I've lived and learned  the hard way,

I'm going to grow old disgraceful.

But I'm going to do it my way.

'Age is all in the mind,' they say,

So today I still feel twenty one,

So to keep the grim reaper at bay,

I'll stay healthy, be happy and have fun.

Jackie

Judgement free zone

I have possibly spent most of my childhood being judged either by those who thought they knew what was best for me or those who actually don't know me at all.

I was judged on the area I lived, the things I owned, the clothes I wore, my height, my weight, the glasses I needed to wear, my school grades, the religion I followed,my friends, my family, the list is endless.  As a child you believe what is said about you because you trust those people, you have nothing else to compare to.  You look up to them and believe their word is practically God.  Why would you think anything less? When whatever you give is not enough, what's the point in striving for anything greater?

If only it was so easy to not  listen, to feel confident to question, and  to not carry the baggage around with us throughout our adult life.

I believed I was stupid and would never amount to anything.  I could never imagine that anyone could love me never mind find me attractive. In a way I compensated with my lack of 'looks' by being a bit of a clown, the chatterbox, when inwardly I  was terrified of people seeing the real me, just in case they disliked me even more.  Over the years I fed my fears with more judgments, this time coming from myself.  I would over think situations adding more negativity to what was zero self esteem, how on earth was I expecting others to love me when I had so much disgust and disregard for myself?

How I got to where I am now is difficult to pinpoint. It has been through learning and compassion for myself and others.  Forgiveness is a word which I have used many times and is something I truly believe in.  I do not bear grudges, I see no point in dragging things out, life is too short.  I believe in accepting your life for what has been, trusting your instinct, never being afraid to ask for help and valuing the positives around you. 

I love me......

I Love me........

Yep, you heard me right. 

I love me.........

Every spot, every lump,

Every wrinkle, every bump.

I love me.

I love my tummy that sticks out when I eat,

I love my orange peel thighs and my rather odd shaped feet!

I love that flicky bit of hair,

at the front that wont stay  right.

I love my lack of ear lobes 

And my teeth, not so pearly white.

I used to have a hate campaign,

Against this bod of mine,

I used to starve it, made it ill I thought I looked divine,

It took a lot of searching until I could escape hell,

Til I could learn to love myself and like myself as well.

Jackie

Who Am I...

We all question ourselves. What we are doing with our life, how we react to situations or interact with others, how we could have done something differently, and this is OK. Reflection is good and can be positive to our working life and personal relationships.

What isn't good is when we take these questions and start picking away at the little pieces that make us the person we are. The more picking and over thinking we do, the more self destructive we become. The person that we think we are starts to overshadow the real person within, the authentic person.

I know I talk too much :)  I also know when I get excitable or stressed/anxious I talk too quickly. I can be a bit hyper, in your face, like a coiled spring.  I have a problem with my memory sometimes and have great difficulty in getting the words out that I want to say. I also have a bit of a lisp and blink too much and a bit of a nervous sniff. Something again which will get worse If I am stressed. All these things I have grown up with, are part of me and despite trying I have been unable to change.  Throughout my childhood I was very conscious of these things because they were constantly pushed in my face, either at home or school.  I grew up believing they were not normal so therefore I must not be normal and didn't fit in. Even as an adult going back to that environment these feeling came back.

There are many situations growing up, many from School that I won't dwell on which gave me the belief that I wasn't good enough, that I was stupid, ugly or not worth it.  I can still heard the words to this day in my head. I had very little belief in myself or my abilities.

Over the years these are what would come back to me in conflicting situations, times when I thought I could have done better, times when I thought I had done 'wrong.' How easy it was to be taken back to being a little girl again......

As a child I accepted this, but as an adult I began to question?  The way I treated myself was appalling. Would I have treated a good friend of mine in this way? No. So why did I do it to myself.

I was basically doing what I had learned.  from here began a vicious circle of self-hatred, abuse which would continue on and off until I had the courage to accept myself and forgive......

I have Fat

Yes, you heard me correctly, 'I have fat.'  Its started creeping up slowly, coating the tops of my thighs, cushioning my bottom and giving me a tummy which represents more of a cottage loaf than a muffin top!

I've noticed my chin is starting to get a little comfy and is inviting its friend to join it. My back appears to be growing boobs of its own and all in time for wearing a slinky little number at Christmas.

Am I OK with this? Yes and no.....

I'm not going to start getting depressed, living on lettuce and power walking to work. I will rationalise my thoughts and put this into perspective.  

We all have fat, some more than others.  We need a certain amount of fat to keep us warm, protect our internal organs and store energy.  Unfortunately my fat appears to have settled rather unevenly, so what can I do about it?

I will certainly not diet, I like cake and cider too much :)

Exercise is difficult at the moment due to hip pain.

The only way forward is acceptance, this is part of me and will stay here until it is ready to shift sensibly.

My belly does not make me have a bad day at work, it doesn't stop my family and friends from loving me, it doesn't affect my ability to enjoy myself on an evening out.

I have fat, I am not fat.

More on 'Fat.' http://bubbleicious-thediaryofacupcakequeen.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/hungry-for-change-day-16.html

The Weight of Your Words

Picture- 'The weight Of Your Words,' Julie De Waroquier
"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." 
~ Rudyard Kipling

Ugly, Stupid, Freak, 
Wicked, Pathetic, Meek,
Bad, Unworthy, Fat,
Bad and smelly Brat.

Clever, kind, delightful,
Gorgeous, caring, not spiteful,
Confident, Smart, Pretty,
Beautiful, Talented and Witty.

Which words do you remember and carry with you each day?
Which words affect your judgements and what you do and say?

Original versus Cover Version.

It doesn't matter how you dress it up, how you change the packaging or adapt the harmonies, a copy is never quite the same.

Take for example the simple but delicious 'Jaffa Cake.' There are many alternative versions or carbon copies of this tea time treat, granted cheaper but often thinner and less tangy that leave you with a feeling of dissatisfaction and urge to raid the biscuit barrel.

What about music?  The question was given to me about  cover versions versus original pieces and which are better.

From a listeners point of view, I would generally go with what I already know. Very similar to buying an album. I may listen to the few that I am familiar with and skip the rest. Music is an interactive experience, its pretty difficult to sing a long with a piece you don't know especially if you are seeing a band.  I'm talking local bands here, not massive stadium fillers that have plenty of air play! 

With established popular artists I maintain,'If its not broke don't try to fix it!' but how flattering to have someone like your style so much that they want to emulate it.

From a musicians point of view, especially small scale bands/artistes, it must be difficult if not scary to move away from covers and find their own genre. A local band, Vermin have been established in my Town for many years now.  They have a punk background and perform mostly original songs with a humorous but real edge to them, my particular favourite being 'emo jeans.'   Their originality draws on experience, emotion and passion and this shows in their performance. The only downside is their playlist doesn't change often, drawback of having a day job I presume.

So what about  ourselves and our individuality? We are constantly bombarded with messages from the media and our peers about how we should look, what we should wear, what we should be listening to.

What is stopping us from being who we are? Growing up and particularly our teenage years can be hard and painful to deal with, the slightest deviation from what society calls the 'norm' just plunges us into yet another stereotypical 'group.'
The ability to embrace oneself for the individual that you are is empowering. To feel safe and comfortable in your skin without worrying about  negative reactions or attentions from others is not something you learn overnight. Children are not born with good self esteem as if it is part of their genetic make up, they develop it.  Self esteem is influenced from nurturing, experiences, support and has a huge effect on an individuals perception of themselves.
So how do you become yourself as opposed to a 'cover version.?'
Treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness, accept your past mistakes and move on, embrace the way you look, dress, move and speak. Above all, surround yourself with positive people, friends who want to be with 'you,' because you are you.

Who am I?

I'm sure we have all asked ourselves the same question. Who am I?  If we answer this ourselves which I have done previously, we end up with a list of life roles and often not so flattering adjectives to describe  ourselves.  The list would be different dependant on where we are in our life but more often than not it is easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

If I was to answer this question a few years ago the answers would be oceans apart from how I feel now.

Whilst in a depression and in the grips of an eating disorder good self esteem was way down there along with eating 3 squares meal a day.  I hated myself. Everything about me; what I represented; how I looked just filled me with disgust.  I felt useless, worthless, angry, bad, dirty, guilty......the list is endless. I saw traits in myself during this period that I would never have chosen in a friend so why should they have been accepting of me?  At times I didn't recognise myself.

The process from then until now was slow and  hard. It took strength and courage to revisit and accept things which had happened in the past, a willingness to change my behaviours and a decent support network to help me through the emotional and physical changes as well as any setbacks.   Every traumatic weigh-in, tears over meal plans and the nagging e.d. voice in my head has been worth the journey to recovery.

So who am I now?  I asked 2 close friends to describe me in two words.  I have been given beautiful (twice) funny and effervescent. Interesting Ladies,thank you :)

Beautiful.  What is beauty?  Again this is something I have blogged about before. If were talking aesthetic beauty then first thing in the morning I'm very dodgy' but give me a bit of make-up and I don't scrub up too badly. I see beauty as something deeper than our facial features, the love a person radiates, the selflessness of an action, the emotion between friends.

Funny. Now this could mean funny as amusing, or funny as in strange or weird!!!  I will go with the amusing.

I can get a bit carried away with myself at times and I know I can be loud.  I have tried to curb this unsuccessfully! People constantly ask me I I am OK, am I ill, Is something wrong? Obviously being loud and funny is how I should be......although at times I can be very shy.

Effervescent.  Bubbly and fizzy like a bath bomb or a bottle of bollinger.

I am a person who has hit rock bottom and come out the other side. Despite the traumas this has changed me in a positive way.  I try to see the good in people and to not judge on appearance. Everyone has a past but it does not have to define their future' it certainly shouldnt define how we respond to them.

I am happy with my life, positive about my future and accepting of my body.

‘For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.’  Audrey Hepburn

damn clothes sizes

Given that the average womans dress size in the UK is a size 16 (USA 14), I was sorely disappointed when I went clothes shopping today and found it difficult to find a skirt I absolutely adored would not fit me.
I am around a UK size 10/12 depending on where I shop, but am slightly disproportionate between my hip/waist measurement.  This makes finding jeans, slim fitting dress or skirts a nightmare to buy.  I do however know what suits me and how to disguise the bits I may not like as much.
I went shopping with an idea in my head of what I wanted to buy, and was overjoyed when I found the perfect skirt in a small Bristol Boutique.  It was a 1950's style swing skirt, black with red roses and was perfect for my iron fist shoes.  In I go to the changing room with a size medium and a large, just in case.
I was horrified to find that not only could I not fasten the large size but the XL I later found was also too small.
OK I had eaten a little earlier on but even so.....
Who on earth are these shops catering for? What sort of message is this giving and what damage is this doing to peoples self image? I know I preach about numbers being insignificant but this is bloody ridiculous.
Rant over.......I went on to a large department store and bought a dress I was comfortable and happy with and in MY size. Sort it out retailers!!

Beauty

Beauty Au Naturel

Gel pads, uplift, silicone, tit tape,

Spandex, bum lift, waist chincer, fake bake.

Botox, fillers, trout pout, false lashes,

Plumpers, minimiser's, enhancers, body bashers.

Spot cream, skin smoother, this will make your boobs firm,

Airbrushing, meal skipping, when will we ever learn,

Peel off the exterior, look deep into the interior

Real beauty is confidence, once size fits all.

Jackie 2012

Inner beauty

You may not see it but you are,

a beauty, an angel, a stunning shining star,

The lines on your face show the life you have lived,

your toils and troubles, the warmth that you give.

Your heart may be heavy, but it holds so much love,

Your eyes sparkle with life and the tales you speak of,

You ooze beauty and joy within every pore,

The more that I learn, I only love you more.

Look beneath the surface at the person that's within,

She is strong, she is proof you can change what has been,

True beauty runs further than what you see in the mirror,

Its in the heart, in your soul, look further, you can see clearer.

Jackie 2012

Exquisite beauty imprisoned once more.

Exquisite beauty, imprisoned once more.

As she slumps by the toilet and falls to the floor,

The demons inside her she needs to get out,

Her strength and her value she's starting to doubt.

The cycle begins, the hate has no end,

This demon inside her she see as her friend,

She hurts her frail body to gain some release,

When all that she wants is some love and some peace.

The battle continues 'til someone gives in,

I will love myself when I become thin,

Say the demons within until you say 'No.'

'This is not my life, not how I want to go.'

Exquisite beauty, imprisoned no more,

As she picks herself up from the bathroom floor,

And she says 'this is my life, not yours to kill.'

'I am beautiful, I am worth it and  live it I will.'

Jackie 2012

personality

Personality

What you see is what you get,

A girl who likes a cider and a cigarette,

I talk too much, and far to quick,

and after a while I will get on your wick.

I'm very impulsive and like to take chances,

I love music, laughter and disco dances,

I can be quite anxious and occasionally dim,

I'm often smutty but act nice and prim :)

I'm creative, and gregarious,

just wish my joke were hilarious,

I'm passionate, loyal and trusting,

but sometimes I smell disgusting xx

The Perfect Body :)

The Perfect Body

Flawless skin like a peachy bum,

Acne scars and too much sun,

crows feet, wrinkles, freckles and moles,

Lots off 'Ink' and piercing holes.

Ginger hair down there and on your head,

Peroxide blonde and pillar box red,

Sprouting chins and nasal hair,

Mohawks that make people stare.

Boobs that stand up with no support,

Big and bouncy no good for sport,

Saggy like a spaniels ear,

after years of feeding that child so dear.

A washboard stomach all firm and toned,

Wobbly bits, muffin top or big boned,

Love handles that cause you strife.

Stretch marks showing that you gave life,

Pearly whites all neatly capped,

Little gaps with spinach trapped,

Tram track braces all straight and neat,

Dentures from eating too many sweets.

The perfect body comes in many guises,

The short the tall, different sizes,

Don't rely on the mirror, look to your heart

Perfection is you, not just a body part.

Jackie 2012