The past week has been tough.  Its hard to explain what has been going on inside my head and there seems no rational behind it.
Everything in my life appeared on the outside to be going well.
I felt well, had given up smoking, started running, stopped drinking too much caffeine and was looking forward. So what happened?

Dominique in his Wednesday purple jumper plucked a few ideas out of the air but could give no reason, does there need to be a reason?
I shall try and put into words how I feel, words which may not make sense to anyone including myself, but its a positive release.

My head feels broken.
The cracks are showing.
I'm trying to fit in but how can I when I don't seem to 'fit.'
Trying too hard is exhausting.
Talking is exhausting.
Overthinking is exhausting.
Fighting against myself is exhausting.
Sleep isn't what it should be.
Over and over in my head I am analysing things I said, things other people said.
Was I too loud?
Was I too quiet?
Did I say or do something wrong.
I'm like a square peg in a round hole, bashing myself slowly to fit in.
Feeling too much hurts, feeling nothing makes me hurt myself.
Messed up, screwed up, worthless.

January 20th. It's ok.

It's OK to say, I'm not OK,

That I'm back on the 'happy pills'

That I struggle to get out of bed,

And the smile on the outside doesn't show,

On the inside I feel dead.

It's OK to admit I feel a fake,

That I let people down,

That the things I say,

I don't always feel that way.

It's OK to say it's a struggle,

That I'm fighting the thoughts in my head.

But I'm fighting,

Not giving in,

And that's OK,

I will be OK.

I will continue to win.

A friend said to me recently, Stop pretending everything's OK when it's not." And she is right.

Everything is not OK and it's OK to admit that.

It's really shocking how quickly depression can creep up on you and before you know it, bang you're sucked into the black hole and everything that goes with it.

I was afraid to admit something was wrong for many reasons.  I didn't want to worry my Family or Friends. I felt I was letting people down in the Eating Disorders community, those I was trying to support. I felt a failure in myself as I always said I would never feel this way again.

I have had to put myself first and feel bad for disconnecting from the groups and forums I was involved in....but I need to keep myself safe.  I have hidden any posts from my news feed from Facebook friends which may be weight/diet related as I currently feel unable to cope with seeing these. I have stopped posting on a blogging site as I was expected to comment on fellow bloggers posting, often these were also diet related.

I have no reason to feel the way I do, there are no triggers, no issues...I am confused.

My Doctor said it goes with the territory and I shouldn't beat myself up about it. I'm back on the happy pills and I go back to see her in 3 weeks.

I still advocate recovery from eating disorders, and I do believe I will get through this bit of a blip.

It is OK not to be OK.

January 6th. Tempted by Jack.

So things were going pretty well. 4th day into the Dryathlon for Cancer Research and not a drop of alcohol had touched my lips.  It was a miserable weekend and we had terrible weather. The threat of localised flooding, gale force winds and generally being very wet outside meant we were inside to stay.  

Now I'm not much of a home bird and I do like to get out and about, especially on an evening, but this night was definitely one for the sofa, fire and a good film. Brilliant weather for ducks but not for me!!

At the same time as taking part in the Dryathlon I had also given up smoking!! I didn't really smoke that much but I must admit I probably increased my addiction over the Festive period. I was getting fidgety.....

I'd spent what seemed like eternity knocking up what I would say was an amazing meal and was sat supping on my elderflower mineral water afterwards.

Hubby comes in and say," Fancy a Honey Jack Daniels with ice?"  I frown.......

"Oh sorry Love, you can't have any can you? Don't worry, no one one will know."    I will know.......

After several minutes of umming and ahhhing, shall I and shan't I, I gave in, decided to use my golden ticket and opted to pay the £20 'falling off the wagon fine' and pay the money to Cancer Research.

Was it worth it?  Yes!!  I had a lovely warming glass of Honey JD, didn't get plastered but I have to say, it was probably one of the most expensive drinks I have ever bought.....

I am pleased to say I am now back on the wagon, still off the fags and it's still raining.

Come back tomorrow for the story of the worlds oldest dog.

I am the 1 in 4

Many years ago whilst as a student at college, my tutor told the class that 1 in 4 of us would at some point in our lives suffer from a mental illness. I remember visually scanning the room trying to hazard a guess who would be the 'nutty' one. For one minute I never thought it would be me!

I cannot pinpoint at what age my mental health problems began, but thinking back it was probably at quite a young age. I was always a very emotional and highly strung child, my medical records noted 'attention seeking,' but not once did anyone ask me what was gong on in my life. 

I was taken to many appointments when I was in primary school, non of which I can remember much about but I was always told to tell the teacher it was 'personal.' The clinic I attended was attached to a local psychiatric hospital, the place my Mum always said I would drive her to...........
My teenage years weren't filled with the angst you would expect, they were filled with sadness, fear and dread and on reflection I can now recognise the beginnings of stress, anxiety and something I rarely discuss, self-harm.
As I left home and moved from my early teens to my late teenager years the feelings I had remained.I didn't know what to do with them or how to cope with them.....so I self medicated with alcohol.....and lots of it.
When I think back to the times I sat just numb, feeling nothing and then switching to hours of crying. I had no idea what was going on in my life!
I remember having a really positive period then sinking again. It was at this point I realised there was a difference in my behaviour and a dramatic change in my mood but still I didn't do anything about it.
In the late 80's there was still a huge stigma around mental illness, it was something that wasn't really discussed and therefore I didn't seek any professional help. It wasn't until I was in the depths of an eating disorder that I realised only with the help of friends that I had a serious problem, and sought help.
This was where my 'recovery,' albeit unsuccessful at the time from Anorexia began.
I am now recovered from my eating disorder but at times do have bouts of self- doubt mixed with anxiety and stress. I am very much a people pleaser and perfectionist. I hate to get things wrong and over think, worrying constantly.  Recently I have been feeling quite depressed again and it can hit me with no warning.  I am very mindful of this and am working to put self care strategies in place to not let it eat me up.

The main reason for this post today is in recognition of World Mental Health day and to stress that we are not all knife wielding crazy people like some tabloid newspapers like to make out!!
There has been a recent scandal with 2 major Supermarket chains selling 'Mental patient,' costumes for Halloween, suggesting that these patients were scary and you would run away from them!!
Some people have said that protesters were overreacting and it was political correctness gone mad. Take it from me, I understand the stigma of being a patient in a 'mental' hospital. I have had to be treated by a dentist whilst an in-patient who was visibly frightened to treat me!

Mental illness is scary, mental illness is isolating, but try to remember we are people just like you and I and sometime we just need to be asked if we are ok.........xxxxx

Mental Health Awareness Week, Exercise is good for the mind.

This post should have been written yesterday if not even earlier in the week, but that just about sums up how my week has been!!!  I had it mentally written it in my head at about 2 am this morning and at that point should have acted on it.  After a particularly stressful and busy day at work I came home with the beginnings of a migraine. Trying to kick it into touch I decided to go to bed at 5 pm  waking at 9.30 pm and subsequently was unable to sleep for the majority of the night.

Not a good start to my first aid training today. I'm sure at one point my lack of interest and droopy eyes would have given the instructor good reason to confuse me with the resuscitation dummy. The only visible difference was that I had legs!!

Anyway, back to the reasons behind this post. This week has been Mental Health Awareness Week, and the theme being Exercise and Well-being I thought I could share my recent experiences of exercise and fitness and the benefits to your mental health.

To a lot of people you mention exercise, and visions come to them of testosterone packed gyms, sweaty bodies, pumping iron or pounding the pavements. There is so much emphasis put on the body beautiful, the visual, improving your physique, getting a flat stomach or 'bikini body' and fat burning. What about reducing your risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, osteoporosis or keep your body and mind active?  Not forgetting the social aspect, enjoyment and fun. Yes.... exercise and fitness can actually be fun. Have you ever tried Zumba?

Whats going on inside of your skeleton is more important than what you look like outside of it!

I originally signed up with a personal trainer because I needed to get my body back to the strength it was before I had an operation, and also because I needed to tone up the muscles which hadn't been used due to immobility. I was aware of concerns friends had due to my history of eating disorders but was confident in my ability to be mindful of what I could achieve, and I was the one in control......or rather Phil the trainer was!

So for the past 3 weeks I have been out twice a week if not more being pushed and motivated to run, walk, jog, punch, lift kettle bells, plank, crunch, squat and various other punishing exercises. I have no idea if I have  changed my body in any way shape or form yet but what I do know is this,

* I have a great sense of achievement from reaching a goal, however small.

* I feel like I am looking after my body rather than abusing it.

* Despite the often hard routines I laugh and keep my sense of humour.

*When I have had a bad it gets rid of my tensions and angst.

* It helps me to sleep better.

* It increases my mood and energy level.

*I have an increasingly healthy appetite!

*My lung capacity has increased.

* I am motivated :)

What a brilliant list of things that improve my mental health and well being without taking medication, drinking excessively, smoking or eating too much or too little. 

Other things I have learnt from exercising:

* regardless of the size of your boobs 2 sports bras are better than one.

* star jumps are no good if you haven't done pelvic floor exercises after childbirth!

*The man on the seafront likes to watch me do chest presses so now I face his lounge window :)

*Kettle bells hurt if you hit yourself in the leg.

* My coordination is crap but makes it funny.

*When Phil says'duck' move your head out of the way or you may get hit.

* visualise someones face on the pad when boxing, I can guarantee a stronger punch.

*Star jumps are better if you sing YMCA along to them.

* The hokey cokey can be sang along to most exercises.

*When I do squats I look like I'm having a poo.

*Lycra is never attractive......end of!

*apparently I gurn a lot.

* I look like I'm having sex when doing several floor movements. (not sure how Phil knows this)

*I say, "I can't" a lot, then do it and swear.

*I like to run up grass banks, but get a little scared going back down.

So there you have it. Exercise is fun and good for you, but know your limitations. On that point I must share I'm having a week off as I've knackered my knee. My exercise this week will involve lifting a glass to my mouth and pointing the remote at the TV. Have a good weekend.

Advent Calendar. Day 19. Me, Me, Me.

The Christmas List that Counts...

I and Me

"You always need to have your best interest at heart.

That doesn't mean become a selfish bitch. It means putting yourself first."

~ Author Unknown ~

Looking after your own well-being is a priority, especially at one of the busiest and stressful times of the year.  There is so much expectation especially as a Mother to make Christmas 'the best.'

When I have been unwell I have had to make myself a  priority at Christmas often disregarding others wishes.  Christmas can be an extremely stressful and isolating time of the year for those with eating disorders or mental health problems. So much emphasis is placed on food, drink and socialising.  Everywhere you look there are chocolates, snacks, cakes...its endless and can be frightening and thought consuming.  You can become isolated from others whilst avoiding situations surrounding food, its easier to just refuse invites rather than try and make excuses not too eat!

Not any more for me : )  

So how did I look after myself this Christmas?

I bought all my veg pre-washed and pre-cooked saving on all prep time.

My baking trays were disposable to save on washing up.

I ate as much or little as I wanted whenever I wanted.

I accepted help from others.

Who am I?

I'm sure we have all asked ourselves the same question. Who am I?  If we answer this ourselves which I have done previously, we end up with a list of life roles and often not so flattering adjectives to describe  ourselves.  The list would be different dependant on where we are in our life but more often than not it is easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

If I was to answer this question a few years ago the answers would be oceans apart from how I feel now.

Whilst in a depression and in the grips of an eating disorder good self esteem was way down there along with eating 3 squares meal a day.  I hated myself. Everything about me; what I represented; how I looked just filled me with disgust.  I felt useless, worthless, angry, bad, dirty, guilty......the list is endless. I saw traits in myself during this period that I would never have chosen in a friend so why should they have been accepting of me?  At times I didn't recognise myself.

The process from then until now was slow and  hard. It took strength and courage to revisit and accept things which had happened in the past, a willingness to change my behaviours and a decent support network to help me through the emotional and physical changes as well as any setbacks.   Every traumatic weigh-in, tears over meal plans and the nagging e.d. voice in my head has been worth the journey to recovery.

So who am I now?  I asked 2 close friends to describe me in two words.  I have been given beautiful (twice) funny and effervescent. Interesting Ladies,thank you :)

Beautiful.  What is beauty?  Again this is something I have blogged about before. If were talking aesthetic beauty then first thing in the morning I'm very dodgy' but give me a bit of make-up and I don't scrub up too badly. I see beauty as something deeper than our facial features, the love a person radiates, the selflessness of an action, the emotion between friends.

Funny. Now this could mean funny as amusing, or funny as in strange or weird!!!  I will go with the amusing.

I can get a bit carried away with myself at times and I know I can be loud.  I have tried to curb this unsuccessfully! People constantly ask me I I am OK, am I ill, Is something wrong? Obviously being loud and funny is how I should be......although at times I can be very shy.

Effervescent.  Bubbly and fizzy like a bath bomb or a bottle of bollinger.

I am a person who has hit rock bottom and come out the other side. Despite the traumas this has changed me in a positive way.  I try to see the good in people and to not judge on appearance. Everyone has a past but it does not have to define their future' it certainly shouldnt define how we respond to them.

I am happy with my life, positive about my future and accepting of my body.

‘For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows.’  Audrey Hepburn

Stoptober

Its that time of year where if there's a bug to catch, chances are I will get it!!  Today I feel like poop. Hot and cold, sore throat,headache, chesty cough and a course of antibiotics. What started as a cold last week has developed into a full blown chest infection. Typical!! Just when I had plans for the weekend too.
So what can I do to help myself, a little bit of self care?  Keep warm, drink plenty of fluids, regular paracetamol and STOP smoking.
Yesterday was the start of Stoptober, a new campaign from NHS Smokefree which will encourage smokers from across the UK to stop smoking for 28 days. If smokers can stay smokefree for this time, they are five times more likely to stop for good.  Now I have been a serial stopper for many years, with and without the use of patches/gum etc so what is so different about this time?  Probably nothing, but it certainly wont hurt to try.
I was never one of those children who pinched a crafty fag from their parents. I hated smoking.  Most of my immediate family smoked, and regardless at home or at Grandparents houses there was always a fog of cigarette smoke.  In the North East it went hand in hand with  chips cooked in beef dripping and Sunday afternoons in the local pub. Mum smoked superkings and I can remember her moving onto a rather posh brand at one point which made it almost acceptable.  Dad was very much a roll your own man, we were often sent to the local newsagents for his half an ounce of baccy and rolling papers. That was of course back in the day when you could buy cigarettes as a child.  Thank goodness some things have changed for the better!!
I started smoking around the age of 19.  I can remember my first cigarette vividly.  It was a Marlboro red, one of the strongest you could get and I nearly choked as I inhaled the potent smoke.  They were left at work by a colleague and I thought they were the answer to my stress, anxieties and depression at that time.  This would be one of many 'short term fixes' I would choose in my life.
Its very surprising how little time it takes for the nicotine addiction to kick in. Before long I was like every other 'addict,' looking under sofa cushions for change for a pack of 10 before payday, having that first fix not long after getting out of bed, pretending to pack in and lying to yourself as well as others....until I became pregnant.
This was the time when I stopped completely and remained smoke free for many years after.  I cannot remember how many times I started and stopped after that. Too many to mention I should think.
When my Father became seriously ill this was when I decided my life needed to change.  Dad had suffered from cardio vascular problems since the age of 45 (my age now) Had heart attacks, angina and had numerous strokes before his death at the age of 66. I have no doubt that his illnesses were smoking related, they certainly could not have helped.  I had seen a  family lose their Father and a Wife almost start the grieving process before he died.  I was not going to go the same way.
I gave up the Cigarettes for 6 years and stupidly started again thinking I could just have one, then another, then another.
Before my operation in March this year I again gave up.  This again was triggered by my ill health and chest infections/Pleurisy.
So 7 months on here we are again. I managed fag free for 5 months, this time it needs to be forever.

Reasons For Stopping.
To be healthier.
Reduce my risk of stroke/heart disease.
To enjoy life with my family.
Increase my lung capacity and sing better :)
Not to be a slave to the fags.
No more standing in the rain smoking.

I was thinking around distraction techniques, changes of routine and identifying triggers.  It is similar to how I coped with stages of ed recovery.  If I can achieve that then I should be able to achieve this.
Keep you posted.

http://smokefree.nhs.uk/stoptober/?&gclid=CNj5ztup4rICFVMbtAodYk8ABw

Week Two-Self Nurturing

Week two of the 'Blogging for well being' challenge and this week we are talking about self nurturing. My understanding of self nurturing would be taking time out for yourself which can be bloody hard when you hold down a full time job, have children, a family, home etc.  It is prioritising your time, learning to say no, recognising when you are become ill, stressed, anxious and allowing yourself to do something about it. Making yourself a priority without feeling guilty or bad.
Self nurturing isn't selfish, its not about denying others or not giving them your time or energy, its about looking after number one.  If you're not well emotionally and physically you wont be able to function at work, school, college or in your relationships.
I have always been a culprit of trying to do too much at once, taking on too much either practically or emotionally.  I can remember a situation about 7 years ago when I had several friends on the telephone or coming round talking to me about their relationships, problems and I was dropping what I was doing for myself to be with them.  If I didn't do that I felt guilty, I was a bad friend and unworthy of their friendship. Eventually, I became so wound up and snapped at one of them when they disregarded how I was feeling.  I realised then that I needed to put myself first, at least some of the time, without feeling selfish.
I have now found that true friends understand that and I would hope they would look after themselves in the same way.

No matter how busy your day is, no matter how little time you think you have, just try and spare some for yourself.

Have a soak in the bath, with bubbles, candles, wine and music.

Call a friend or family member.

Read a book and turn off your mobile.

Write, sing, dance.......

Go shopping and look (or buy) shoes, handbags, cupcakes whatever floats your boat.

Spend quality time with a friend, partner, pet.

Just do something because you want to, because you enjoy it,  because you can and because your worth it.

Week One-Monday-Barriers to self care

Week One (Monday) Barriers to self care and soothing.

I am going to attempt this months bloggers challenge daily.  At first I thought this may be too much pressure after returning to work, getting back into a routine and not having as much 'me' time but I work well under pressure.  This time there will be a general topic for the week, with a daily topic if you want to write each day. So....here goes.

Firstly I will apologise if I wander slightly.  I was going to write about when I had an ED and what stopped me from looking after myself, but I'm not. I am going to write this for a  beautiful young lady who I am hoping is beginning to see a way forward. I can understand why she is scared, what she is scared off and what is stopping her from looking after herself.  She is such a strong person, a winner, a fighter and I am so proud of how far she has come.  

You can break down the walls, pull open the shutters,

If you really want to.

You can release the shackles that are holding you back,

smash through the image the mirror beholds,

and see the real you.

The loving, caring, beautiful you.

What are you scared of?

Of feeling, of seeing, of hurting, of losing.

Who am I without you?  What am I? 

You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are strong.

You can take back control....If you want to.

Go on, What are you waiting for xxx

For Em xx