For a friend. x

You're not too blame for my mistakes,

For how I feel, how much I weigh.

Don't stand accused, with heavy heart,

Nor let guilt tear us apart.

We cant change the past, Its gone its done,

Now is the time for moving on.

With outstretched hand  I'm here for you,

I know you're there for me too.

You still here?

You still here?
Why?
I have nothing left to give.
I am tired of you.

You put me down,
you bring me down,
breaking my spirit
tearing  me in two.

I feel myself sinking,
Sucked in, deeper, stronger,
I hold out my hand,
Pull me out....

Stuff and Nonsense

Today I  have decided to look at all the things that are me, the person that I am and ultimately what makes me tick.
I hope some of it may make you smile.

My favourite words, real or otherwise!
Stuff, nonsense, gorgeousness, petal, bubble, pretty and bollocks.  One day I shall attempt to use them in one sentence.

My least favourite words.
Scrotum, crusty, darling,odour. (My darling your crusty scrotum is dispelling an odour)  May I add, I have never needed to say that!!!!!

My favourite smells.
Coriander, Lillie's, Vanilla, Jasmine, fresh bread, fresh laid tar, cut grass.

My least favourite smells.
Fish, petrol, TCP, blue cheese, rubber gloves.

Things I'm scared of.
Spiders, heights, walking over bridges with water underneath, flying, dying, getting old, becoming fat.

Things that make me go Oooh...
Babies, puppies, kittens, lambs, anything soft and cuddly or chocolaty and gooey.

Things that make me smile.
Other people smiling at me....its contagious. Bad karaoke. Giving people gifts.  Snow.  My husband, son and friends.

Things that make me cry.
Death,  Upsetting others.  Pain..physical and emotional.  Seeing those close to me upset. When the X-factor contestants go home to their families (Sad..I know)

Bad Habits!!!!
Farting...I am Mrs methane.  I'm sure I have plenty more but my Husband is just too lovely to tell me.

Reasons for recovery.....the most important one.
To live, be healthy, to not be controlled by food or my thoughts, to enjoy my social life, to be like everyone else, to remain at work, to be proud of myself and my friends and family to be proud of me.

Reasons not to recover...NONE.

Excuses!!

Excuses...I'm full of them, and over the past few days I thought of everyone of them to make what I think and do ok.
The meals are becoming less frequent, the calorific content is smaller and the excuses in my head are telling me its ok. 
Did I really need to cancel my dietician appointment today as I felt a cold coming on?  No...I could have gone but I was more concerned about having to be honest about how I hadn't stuck to everything I agreed to.
Maybe I should have told her how I was feeling uncomfortable at the size I am now, how I am trying to restrict my diet in order to keep at the weight I am and not gain, how I am feeling anxious although things in my life are going well, how today I had an intense need to weigh myself  in the hope that what the numbers said would lift my mood.  I know this is just a blip, a small hurdle I can jump over without landing face down in an apple pie!!
Maybe I should have kept my appointment...... definitely next time.

allsorts..

I have named this blog 'Allsorts' because that is what it is...a mixture of my thoughts, feelings and the practicalities of things that are going on in my life at the moment. 
Today I gave serious thought to giving up my blog, am I living in the past by continuing with it, am I trying to hold on to part of my identity, why am I still writing it?
After deliberation I came to the following conclusions:

• I cannot change my past but I can change how it affects my future.
• My eating disorder has always been part of me but it does not have to control me. 
• I enjoy writing, I can put down things in writing that I find hard to say.
• I hope that others can see some hope from what I share.
• I can look back on what I have posted and see that I am challenging myself and moving on to something more positive.

With this in mind I decided to continue to bore you all...with no apologies!!
So, back to my ramblings. 
How am I doing?  Things are good, finished my second week of work and have achieved loads.  All paperwork up to date and havent pissed too many people off!!!  It has been good to be back to normality, structure, routines and office gossip!
Food.....going suprisingly well.  I have stuck to regular eating, lunch at work was a bit wobbly at first but have coped with eating lunch in front of others, no comments, no stares, no questions and I havent needed to hide in the broom cupboard with my pasta salad.

My diet is pretty regimented, certain foods at certain times of the day....diet this, weight watchers that but I'm eating it and that's what counts.  Oh, and I'm mostly enjoying eating it.   Skinny cow ice cream bars are lush.

Clothes.....a colleague commented on why do I wear jeans that are 'hanging' off me!!  Tight clothes, especially trousers freak me out.  Maybe its psychological but when they are tight, I automatically feel fat, so for the moment baggy is good.

My thoughts...I don't think or obsess about food/diet as much as I used to.  It is no longer the first thing I think of when I get up nor is it the last thing I think about when I go to bed.  It still hangs around, clinging to me, controlling what I buy at the supermarket and to a point what I put in my mouth.  BUT....I am much more in control, healthier in body and mind, and stronger to move on.

Friends.....I have a great circle of friends, and a very supportive family which I am so grateful for.  The support of people, some who I have not even met have astounded me....I cannot begin to explain how that feels.  Colin...I owe you egg and chips.  Marcus...I will bake you cake.   Deb....Nepalise is on me.  Glyn...one day, not yet, I will do a bungee jump for a very good charity.   Bee...we will do mixed haloumi and chicken kebab with champers.  Jen....Italian with coffee but no green goblin!!!   Mandy.....thank you is the least I can say.

Ps...we won skittles tonight and I was second top scorer!!!!

The F Word!

The F word!!!  Not to be spoken about as will no doubt send alarms bells ringing, cause undue concern or have people telling me I'm being silly....I wont talk about it but I will write it down, no comments needed!
FAT!!!  Flabby, floppy,f*****g fat.
Why is it that when you gain weight it sits on one place? Does it settle on my boobies, plumping them up like downy pillows?  Does it rest on my bottom and turn it into delectable peach? NO, it hits me right where it hurts the most, slap bang in the middle on my belly.
I was forewarned about this and I do know it wont be forever but trying to adjust is hell.
I wiggle it, I poke it, look in the mirror, breathe in.....hold, and out again.
I was told that after periods of semi-starvation the weight will go onto the stomach first in order to protect the internal organs. Makes sense.
 I know that we need a certain amount of body fat and I do not need to lose this from my stomach I need to lose the bad self-image.
Easier said than done, but I will strive on, will continue with regular meals and try some exercises that will hopefully help with future redistribution!!!

PS. Second week back at work and all is well. :)

letting go..

I am finding the strength to let you go,
The courage to stop and say NO
I don't need a crutch in my 'ana' friend
Wasted, angry, there is an end.

The end brings hope, and joy. I'm waiting
To stop this endless sad berating.
Each day is new, its challenges bring.
I tell myself that I will win.

This battle within my inner self,
Thin equates to beauty, rather than health,
Turmoil, struggle you question the gain,
Keep going, don't give up, its worth the pain.

I do have the strength to let you go,
I do have the courage to say NO.
I do not need my 'Ana' friend,
I can see the light, I am nearing the end.

Jackie

Just a quicky!!!

Well that got your attention.....
This morning started with a mixture of excitement, apprehension and nervousness.  Up early, bubble bath, compulsory coffee and ciggy (ok, one day I will give up) 2 different outfits later and off I go, as if I had never been away.
Yes things have changed at work over the past few months, same staff, same clients but a different structure to my day, routines and structure is something which at the moment I need.
Took a little while to settle in but If I'm honest that was mostly down to my insecurities and nothing else.
Guess what?  No one asked me awkward questions, no one watched what I was eating and no one looked at me ,like I had 3 heads.
 The work was fine,although I found not being able to plough straight in a bit frustrating.  I struggled with the social niceties, the chit-chat, the small talk...which is unlike me but I'm sure give it a week or so and they wont be able to shut me up!!!
Tomorrow I get to do it all over again and it can only get easier day by day.

One step further :)

Weigh day today!!  My monthly trip to the E.D nurse to discuss how things are going and to jump on the dreaded scales.  All positive I am pleased to say, a small weight gain which I was able to cope with and a general feeling of being on top of things.
I was a little scared as I seriously expected to tip the scales at least 5 pounds more than I had gained, but it was explained to me that regular eating will speed up my metabolism and I will burn more off.  Good to know that my Hot chocolate and baileys is not going to turn my arse into the back of a bus!!!!
Now on to more serious stuff.....lunchboxes. Ladies, behave, not that sort of lunch-box!!
Back to work tomorrow and need to organise myself.  Have always found lunchtime choices difficult, how am I supposed to know what I fancy for lunch tomorrow, now?  Went for the healthy option, cup a soup, banana (slow release) apricots, blueberries, granola (thank you Deb), yoghurt and a sachet of hot chocolate. This along with my drink supplement should keep me fuelled for the working day.
All I need to do now is get up in time and remember to take my lunch out of the fridge!
Wish me luck....

2 Blogs in one day!!!

Had an invite this evening to a friends Birthday meal which I accepted.  I only knew the Birthday girl which in itself, meal aside I knew would be a challenge.   Anyway, started the routine of a night out, candles in the bathroom, music, bath bomb from lush and compulsory glass of vino!
Got into glad rags and off I go...
Get near to the Indian restuarant and think about turning on my heels and go home..but NO!! be brave and venture into the unknown.
Eating in front of others is a challenge so bring it on.
Waiter: Sorry we are not doing starters, only main course.....aaahhhhh  I ask nicely for mixed tandoori kebab starter as a main and he obliges...with chick pea vegetable side.
Brings main course of chicken tandoori starter!!!  Never mind, tuck in and don't complain.
Nice man next to me  comments, 'are you on a diet?' Oh Bollocks, Ive been sussed, I don't want to stand out, I want to be like everyone else.  But you have only had chicken and beans he says...yep, that's what I like.
I have tried so hard tonight, I don't want to be different, I want to be like everyone else.  I knew this guy from years ago and he commented on my weight loss...bugger.
Thank you to the lovely Kate for inviting me, for not treating me any different to anyone else.
I did have bagel and cream cheese when I got home and was comfortable with eating it, never mind, walk before you can run.

You too could look like this...with an airbrush.

After weeks of unadulterated commercials for food and drink, urging us to over indulge and to drink 'in moderation!'we now have the plague of fitness and diet regimes.  Bum and Tums, Slimming world, Jenny Craig (who I would like to slap with a wet fish) and every celebrity has -been seems to be bringing out their own fitness DVD.  Granted, you may need to get a little more healthy, to take more exercise but do not be fooled by what you see.
I bought a couple of magazines yesterday and nearly every page had some diet or some celebrity telling you how they achieved their 'perfect' body.  Now the only way I could achieve that body is not through following their diet or exercise regime but with some clever airbrushing,digital enhancement or maybe a bit of the old nip 'n' tuck!!
 I have a multitude of exercise equipment gathering dust in my loft, usually purchased in the new year in a bid for the perfect body.
I have a wheel which supposedly will give me a flatter tum, a step machine which if I don't get my balance right fall off, and a wonderful device comprising of rubber straps and handles which invariably snap back and hit me in the face whilst attempting sit ups!!  Not for me.
I detest Gyms. I have lost several pounds  by joining a gym...monetary pounds, and gained a compulsion to the calorie counters on treadmills.  Therefore Gym and I are no longer an item.
My exercise of choice is walking, I love to walk, Ipod in ears taking in the lovely views from the sea front.
In the past few years I have completed the Playtex moonwalk (half marathon) and a couple of  race for life.
My pace has had to slow down slightly due to hip problems (getting older) but I am looking forward to being involved with some fundraising this year for the Somerset and Wessex eating disorders association.  I really could do with a walking buddy if anyone close to me would like to offer. :)
Best foot forward, be back soon.
P.S  whilst surveying my newly rounded figure in my full length mirror today and being slightly self critical, the following tracks came on my Ipod...

Hows that for a reality check......

Support.

No, I'm not talking magic knickers, spandex or push-up bras!!  Although I do have enough of these support under garments to hold up the Clifton suspension bridge.
I'm talking about support groups.
I went to my first group over ten years ago along with my Husband, he understandably found it very difficult and has not attended one since.  I think you need to be in the right frame of mind, a recovery frame of mind to take part in these groups as It is all to easy to compare yourself or 'feed' from the others around you.
I went to a local group in October which at that time I did not feel was right for me.  I went again last night and I'm glad I did.
It was a small gathering, people from different backgrounds, different ages, different stories..but all sharing a common goal, wanting to change, to make a life change and not to be controlled by food or their thoughts about food and eating.
I initially felt myself too 'fat' to go and joked about it, this is a common misconception during recovery, 'Am I ill enough,' 'Am I eating Normally', 'I look better so I must be ok.'
I have challenged myself over the past few months and with the date of returning to work looming I am questioning myself, my motives and how I really feel about recovery.
Listening to the group last night I am not alone. I could almost hear myself when others were speaking, they shared the same concerns, fears and hopes.  At one point I was crying as I was explaining how I felt about the physical changes to my body, how from the outside I may look like I'm getting 'better', but on the inside I still struggle and fight with myself on a daily basis.....when shopping today I picked up some bathroom scales, put them in my basket, continued with my shopping then went back and replaced them on the shelf.
I have tears as I write this, I'm so pleased I didn't buy them.
Its such a shame that SWEDA are only able to hold groups monthly, but they do have a telephone and msn support available.
I have attached a link in case anyone reading in the south west of England,needs their support.
http://www.swedauk.org/index.htm

Hi Ho, Hi Ho,its back to work I go.

  Ive attempted to write today's blog three times so far so this will be my final attempt, for today anway.
After a visit to occupational health I am officially fit for work.  Having been away for nearly 6 months the prospect of returning fills me with both joy and trepidation.  Joy at having some meaning and structure to my day and trepidation at trying to fit in again with my colleagues.  I have been in contact with most people during my absence and they are not in the least bit scary but  I have a few concerns that only I can deal with....

Fat Talk!!!  yes, the dreaded, 'Ive put on loads over Christmas and need to lose some' 'Does my bum look big?'  You know the sort of thing.  I don't expect anyone to behave any differently around me but can find this difficult to be involved with....most of them I would covet their arses :)

Eating around others. paranoia!!  Everyone is watching what I'm eating....No they are not. I just think they are. Reality check and move on to the next sandwich.

Had a call today from my old counsellor which was not expected and did come as a nice surprise. tried to explain to her my feelings over 'getting better' the feelings of loss and of losing part of myself, my identity and becoming 'just me.'  May sound a bit bonkers to others but I know what I mean.  It feels like I'm stuck somewhere, I'm doing all the right things, taking my supplements, trying to eat regularly, but even though outwardly I am looking better and I physically feel better I still cannot shake off the disordered thoughts.
How many of them are perfectly normal?  How many Women and Men restrict dependant on what they have eaten the previous day and see this as normal?  Maybe I am thinking too much and tomorrow I will feel differently....who knows!!

Yesterday

Well the decorations are down and things are back to normal.  Ventured into the loft and that is no mean feat I can tell you!!  Had a small tantrum as I couldn't find my abdominal exerciser.  If my body is going to change shape  I will make it look the best I can and zapping my muscles with electrical pulses seems an easier option than sit ups.  Found my dusty rusty step-up machine which is now sitting in the lounge corner waiting to be stamped upon.
Made an impulsive decision to ask Hubby to take me out to dinner then sat for ages swinging between go out, cook jacket potato, go out or cook jacket potato?  Decided on the going out option.  Arrived at pub and typical they are no longer serving food!!  Threw me totally off track so we ventured on up town stopping at every hostillery on the way as it would be rude not to. :)
After several pints of the black stuff (think of the iron)  We fell into the kebab shop and came out with a special mixed kebab. It was not so special I have to say....followed it with several maltesers, Christmas cake with baileys coffee and slumped not so comfortably into my primark special fleecy frog sleep suit.
Staying in just wasn't to be as after several phone calls I went to the local pub for karaoke (not still wearing frog suit)
Went to bed after midnight feeling bloated and full....I swear the kebab was just sitting there, reminding me constantly, egging me on but It stayed put. i had stomach ache, indigestion, heartburn the lot.  Bad choices.
 Today I will be sensible with my food choices.  What I ate yesterday would have been ok for most people but for me I may just have well eaten a whole cow!!
I may think that I have consumed 3 days calories in one evening but I have to be realistic and carry on today with 3 meals; maybe 2 as I didn't get up early enough for 3.
Appointment with the Occupational Health tomorrow to discuss my return to work the week after, I can't wait....keep you posted.

Out with the old and in with the new.

What a night!!!
Its been a long time since I have come home in the morning wearing a long dress, hair sticking up and eyes like pandas.  All signs of a good night out.
 We spent the evening with friends first at a lovely Italian restaurant, then karaoke and finished off the evening drinking champagne in a hot tub.
The meal was one of the challenges I had previously set myself and what a challenge.  I made sensible meal choices which was no different to anyone else around the table.  I would like to say it was easy but it wasn't.  It was a struggle, firstly to physically manage the meal and secondly coping with the feelings of paranoia eating in front of others.  These are things which I will face as a daily challenge but will get easier.
Surprisingly this morning, suffering dreadfully after far too much fizz I cooked bacon and eggs for my Husband and ate some.  It was lush.  After eliminating so many foods from my diet it is such an experience to eat them again, and what an experience it was.  I felt ok afterwards, not stressed, not guilty and not fat.
I cant guarantee I will have something later  but I will certainly put my mind to it, eating when not hungry is no easy task.
Most years I would make a resolution, and generally break it in the first week!!  This year will be different.
I will try to treat myself with the respect I deserve, give my body the nourishment and care it needs and cherish all those close to me who have been my rock.
Happy New Year to all of you, may you be healthy and happy. xxx