Being Proactive

Proactive–adjective

serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or difficult one; anticipatory

Or in other words, looking  to a positive future, kicking my ass into check, not being controlled by my eating disorder and planning a way foward,

Had my now weekly appointment with the ED Nurse on Monday, didnt go too badly.  She noticed that I was more alert, more responsive and engaged, able to actively listen and respond to her questions.

Proof that not eating makes me fuzzy and vacant whilst eating regularly  helps with rational thinking.

Did the compulsory weigh in, gained less than a pound but thats ok, too much would be scary too little disapointing.  Discussed my rather rigid eating patterns and set a goal to add variety to my food and just maybe change from the small plate to the bigger plate......we shall see.

Made a huge step forward and phoned my previous counsellor and left a message to make an apppointment.

Quite ironically she phoned me back straight after dinner, whilst I was in the loo contemplating the inevitable!! 

I now have a few divertions in play for the times when I feel 'fat' unworthy and maybe thinking about behaviours I shouldnt be.

1.  Play music....I will listen to Ingrid michaelson..Ok, to give me lift, to remind me that things can get better and I will beat this.

2.  I will fill a bath, indulge in a bath bomb from Lush, light some candels and listen to that song...on repeat.

3.  I will write down all the pros of recovery, then all the cons.

4.  I will look at photos of the people who mean a great deal to me, and me to them. 

Today I had chocolate desert, may only have been weightwatchers but my god it was yummy.

Now back to those people who mean so much to me.

My wonderful Husband Kevin.  I have put you through so much worry and heartache.  You have never known what to say for the best but have always been there for me.  You have watched me fade away in body and spirit but have never given up on me.  You are my rock, my soul mate...I love you.

My beautiful sister Susan and my gorgeous Son Toby.
Susan, we may not have been close when we were younger but I think that has changed now.  I am so proud of what you have achieved as a Mother and a student. You have been a gem and have helped in many more ways than you could imagine.

Toby, I know it must be difficult for you to understand why I am the way I am.  I promise you that things will change.  You mean more to me than anything and I am so proud of the young man that you have become.  You fill me with joy with your funny stories...thank you for not judgeing me. xxx
                                

My best friends Debbie and Glyn.  We may have only been friends for a few years, we have had our ups and downs but hey thats what friendship is about. I have always had concerns about putting on you both but if the tables were turned you know I would be there for you.  Thank you for being there, for listening, for laughing and crying with me.  The closeness in your family is enviable, I love spending time with all of you.  It is effortless.  Thank you. xx

Dear Mandy, My boss and above all my friend.  I respect the way that we can keep the two seperate, certainly keeps me on your toes.  You have to be one of the most honest, genuine and caring people I have met (must get it from me!!)  You have been a great support

 and I know will always be there for me.  Thank you. xx

I apologise for the lack of photos for my next entries, apparently my blog has an error!!!

 Jen, Steve, Sam and Robyn, thank you for allowing me to use your home as a haven, as a place to find my thoughts, for your support and sensible advice.  I miss you all dearly and look forward to my visits and the partying that comes with it.  You may live miles away but you are never far away in my heart.

Jen, you make me laugh!! You help me make sense of what is often a mixed up existence, you are a strong woman in some ways but sometimes need to listen to your own advice, only because I love you. x

Bee.
Oh Bee....what can I say. A joy to behold, a mixture of inteeligence and nonsence (without the stuff)  You are gorgeousness personified.  I am so pleased to know you.

John and Carole,  always there, with a smile, a kind word, a laugh and a lovely glass (or two) of wine.  I feel bad when I havent spoken to you (carole) for ages, Im sorry for neglecting you at times.

Heather, my friend from over the pond.  I have enjoyed our late night phone conversations, you have great spirit and empathy.  you have brightened my evenings and lifted my spirits.

To all my friends, I am doing this not only for myself but for you.
Thanks for sticking with me. xx