Monday, 18 April 2011

Stop!!! I want to get off...

It has been a month now since Mum died and yes things are getting easier.  Life does go on and I must carry on too.
A few significant things have happened since my last blog.  I went to a friends BBQ and helped along by a few lethal cocktails I absoloutely broke my heart, it came from nowhere and was a build up of emotions over my Mum, her death, how I felt about her and the way that I was treating myself.  The next few days were a mixture of sunshine and self-pity.  My visits to the counsellor were unproductive, I was evasive, argumentative and unwilling to share.  I couldn't give a damn' and was quite happy with carrying on restricting as the alternative of allowing myself to 'feel' was too painful to deal with.  To those around me, all was well, I had lost a bit of weight but was dealing with things ok.....
The mornings were getting more difficult, I didn't want to go to work, I would think of any excuse possible not to go in then drag myself out of bed, neck a coffee and face the world.  I'm sure for most of you that is a common feeling but for someone who has fought to get back to work this was different.
I had a wonderful Saturday night out with friends.  We went for a meal which was originally planned a month ago on my Birthday but was postponed.
And It was a good night..great company apart from the meal.  I hated every minute of it.  I got through my salad and even ordered a chocolate dessert, but my emotions were all over the place.  I ate mechanically, wishing I could be elsewhere. On the way home I decided to prove I can do this, I can win so bought chips.
I ate 3 then sat sobbing.
How the hell had I let myself get to this point again, why am I wasting my life?  A quote from another said, 'It will take you longer to get out of this than it did to get in to it,' very true.
So here I am now, wanting to stop, to get off this rollercoaster, the ride is not a thrill it sickness me to the stomach.
If I stay on this path I risk losing my Husband,my friends, my job, my life.
So I have looked at the things that are stopping me from moving on and will read them daily, no sharing here I'm afraid!!
Wish me luck  No doubt I have repeated myself from previous blogs but with repetition comes learning.
Much Love. xxx

1 comment:

  1. When things become intense we tend to turn to what we know best. It has taken years of to and fro before other ways of coping with stress became my first response.

    And still there are days where I find myself eating a little less when things get tough. But, I am not harsh and judgemental when it happens. Because, for me to need to use the old coping strategies (the ED) means I am already feeling pretty low.


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