Saturday, 2 April 2011

Mothers Day....

It is hard enough dealing with the death of a parent but even more so when it is totally unexpected.
On march 16th I received the news that my Mother had died suddenly, after being ill for less than 12 hours.
How i felt then and how I feel now I cannot put into words, probably as I don't quite know how I feel.
45 minutes after receiving the message I had set off on a train to her home 300 miles away, this has to have been the worst train journey I have had to encounter.
The past few weeks I have survived on adrenalin, stress, cigarettes and wine.
I felt the need to be the strong one, the reliable one, the one who will keep everyone else together when their lives are falling down around them.
My mums husband, they have been together 5 years, married for 2 and I am pleased to say they have had a happy but short life together.
My younger Sister, at 29 this is too young to lose her Mum, especially after losing dad 6 years prior.  She was used to calling mum almost daily, talking over problems with her 4 kids, what was happening with her Uni course, usual sort of stuff...I hope I am able to fill that gap in her life now as she is very much on her own.
I don't know how I managed to get through the funeral, brandy helped!!  Again, I stayed strong, put on a brave face, comforted those around me...kept it all in...I'm afraid of the day that the emotions will come out.
I would be lying if i said my relationship with mum was a bed of roses, It wasn,t.  Despite our differences I hold close the memories of last August when I spent 2 weeks with Mum, Derek, Susan and her children.  I was so pleased to visit Mum in November last year with my Son, a weekend I know he wont forget.
mum died the day before my Birthday, today I opened my birthday cards along with sympathy cards from friends, I still have the card from Mum unopened, as yet I  cannot bring myself to read it.
Myself and my Sister had the task of sorting out Mums things, moments of sadness mixed with moments of humour.  How did Mum end up with a pair of my shoes and a bottle of my Sisters perfume!!!! It felt wrong going through her things, bit like snooping for pressies at Christmas when we were kids!
I have come back with memories from the loft, but it is always the memories in my heart I will hold dear.
For anyone coping with a bereavement food and eating is probably the last thing on their mind, I know this was the case for me.
I have found it impossible to keep on track, in some ways it helped block out the emotions, gave me something else to focus on.  I know this is not right, and will endeavour to be positive and keep myself well....
I have a lot to thank my friends for, I would not have gotten through this without them.  The kind messages were a huge comfort, the visits from old school friends when at Mums and the friendly 'old' faces at the funeral.  Thank you. xx
Well tomorrow is Mothers day. I shall be thinking off you, will buy some flowers and put the cards up which I bought and ironically was delivered the morning of your funeral.
Rest in peace Mum, will miss you and love you.

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