What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Today I feel proud, and I will shout it from the rooftops.
I was officially discharged from the Dietician, still need to see the E.D Nurse but I see this as a huge positive step forward.
I feel ecstatic,elated and have a greater sense of achievement than losing any amount of weight has given me.
This past week has been my best.  I have eaten a 'normal' diet for most days, yes have suffered the physical complaints, indigestion, bloating, wind (no change there), nausea, mood swings but have persevered on, fighting every negative thought and feeling on my way.
I am not kidding myself that things are how they should be, nor will I become complacent,I still need to make some changes but I am certainly winning.
When I first started writing my blog my aim was to map my journey, and now I can look back on my earlier writings and see how far I have come.
I still feel the pain and the hurt when I look back, think of what I could have become and how my life could have mapped out.  At times I did not recognise myself and I am so pleased to have the old me coming back.
I hope you will welcome me back too.

With Love. xxx

Moving On

Moving On

Its time to say goodbye,

To rid myself of a living lie,

I'm moving on. I'm biting back,

Best foot forward, right on track.

I will not mourn the friend Ive lost.

I hope again our paths wont cross,

What I love is inside me,

Not the figure in the mirror I see.

Good riddance to this shit disease,

The expectations I never achieved,

Perfection does not equal thin,

But biting back means I will win.

I’m stronger now, Ive fought the fight,

And now I ‘ll savour ever bite,

Farewell my anorexic friend,

Lets hope this truly is the end

The harsh reality.

I came across a website, a forum, an online community when I was at the start of my eating disorder.  I was not looking for support or friendly advice, I was looking for 'thinspiration', ways of hiding my illness from those around me.  What I found when I stumbled across 'We bite back,' were a group of like minded people, all wanting recovery, all being pro-active, supporting their forum 'oranges.'  They started to change my mind and offered me hope.
I would spend hours on an evening, especially when feeling in the depths of despair reading their online journals, taking in the positivity and strength, reaching for their one common goal.....recovery.
I had found a place where I could be open about my eating disorder with the understanding that there were ground rules.  people listened, and replied.
I didn't post as much as some but would always go back to the sticky notes when I was feeling down, needed some motivation or a reason to move on.
Today I was reminded of that reason.  A forum member died.  Now this is someone I have never met but was allowed into her thoughts, her feelings her fight to get her life back.
This is the harsh reality that ultimately eating disorders kill, even when you are ready to take the road to recovery.
God bless you Linda, if I ever needed a reason to continue eating you are it.
I am writing this whilst eating a magnum chocolate ice cream, I had a huge bite for you. Here's to biting back. xxx
http://www.webiteback.com/

Stop!!! I want to get off...

It has been a month now since Mum died and yes things are getting easier.  Life does go on and I must carry on too.
A few significant things have happened since my last blog.  I went to a friends BBQ and helped along by a few lethal cocktails I absoloutely broke my heart, it came from nowhere and was a build up of emotions over my Mum, her death, how I felt about her and the way that I was treating myself.  The next few days were a mixture of sunshine and self-pity.  My visits to the counsellor were unproductive, I was evasive, argumentative and unwilling to share.  I couldn't give a damn' and was quite happy with carrying on restricting as the alternative of allowing myself to 'feel' was too painful to deal with.  To those around me, all was well, I had lost a bit of weight but was dealing with things ok.....
The mornings were getting more difficult, I didn't want to go to work, I would think of any excuse possible not to go in then drag myself out of bed, neck a coffee and face the world.  I'm sure for most of you that is a common feeling but for someone who has fought to get back to work this was different.
I had a wonderful Saturday night out with friends.  We went for a meal which was originally planned a month ago on my Birthday but was postponed.
And It was a good night..great company apart from the meal.  I hated every minute of it.  I got through my salad and even ordered a chocolate dessert, but my emotions were all over the place.  I ate mechanically, wishing I could be elsewhere. On the way home I decided to prove I can do this, I can win so bought chips.
I ate 3 then sat sobbing.
How the hell had I let myself get to this point again, why am I wasting my life?  A quote from another said, 'It will take you longer to get out of this than it did to get in to it,' very true.
So here I am now, wanting to stop, to get off this rollercoaster, the ride is not a thrill it sickness me to the stomach.
If I stay on this path I risk losing my Husband,my friends, my job, my life.
So I have looked at the things that are stopping me from moving on and will read them daily, no sharing here I'm afraid!!
Wish me luck  No doubt I have repeated myself from previous blogs but with repetition comes learning.
Much Love. xxx

mayonnaise and coffee.

Something to think about, and very true, author unknown.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar..and the coffee..
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a resounding ‘yes’. The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand
The students laughed.
‘Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things-your family, your children, your faith, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, And your car.
The sand is everything else-the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another round of golf. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.’
Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled.
‘I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend!’

My A to Z, The letter J

Back by request, my A to Z.
I have decided to reopen my blog and not allow myself to be bullied into submission by others so here goes....

Jen. 
There are 2 Jens in my life but I will start with the one who I have known for the longest and have such good memories of.  The lovely jen wade.....we met many years ago when our children were at Nursery and have shared many happy and sad times.  She has been a great strength to me particularly over the last 6 months.
I had the honour of jen being at my side at my marriage to kev in 2008 in greece, a time I will treasure forever.
I laugh when I think of our nights up at the Carousel Club, cry when i think of the time she moved to the North west, a place which i class as my second home.
I miss Jen and her family so much, well apart from Sam her Daughter who is now lodging at our house. (yes Sam, I did say lodging,  You haven't moved in permanently yet!!!)

Jen Nicholson.
Oh my god!!! I think that may be Jens catch phrase.  I have only known Jen properly for about a year or so, and what a laugh she is.
We have shared many funny and sad moments.  She has been a shoulder, the voice of reason, the sun on an otherwise cloudy day.
i have loved the sunday afternoon green goblin cider incidents, the friday, 'Im not going to the Pier,' which have ended up with Me and jen sat up till 5am, eating Chicken, playing with the cat and generally putting the worlds to right.  Jen you are one in a million.  Thank you..

Jammy.  As in 'you jammy beggar,'  I think possibly a northern phrase, something which I was often questioned upon its meaning when I moved 'down south.'

Jamie Oliver.    I love the way this guy cooks.  The way he rips at things with his hands, mixes everything in....totally scrummy.  The male version of Nigella.  He could be my cupcake King any day.

Justified and Justice!!!  Some people just have it coming there way....

Jono and the Joanies.  I was reminded of this a few days ago by Tammy my best friend at school.  Apparently when I was about 13 myself and 3 school friends attempted to start a band!!! I played the glockenspiel and the only think we could play was 'Yellow submarine!!!!.'  We even had badges made!
Sometimes i
I do wish Tammy did not have a very good memory.

Joe.

Just for you....good luck in the election. xx

motivation.

Anybody have some I could have? 
Difficult to find motivation at the moment, everything still feels a little surreal, I feel slightly jaded, a little deflated, my sparkle has gone and no amount of glittery bath bombs are giving it back.
I suppose It is understandable, I have dealt with a lot over the past few weeks and no I am not wallowing in self-pity, I am trying to come to terms with my loss, my disappointment with myself and my failings and the return to normality.
I knew that so early on significant stress could set me back but this is not something I could plan for, no writing of lists could stop it happen, no amount of talking will make the pain go away.  To be honest I'm fed up with talking to professionals, it tires me....
I am no different to anyone else who has suffered a loss, I'm sure most people deal with things in similar way.
I need to give myself time, try not to be too hard on myself, accept that I have had a set back but with a set back there is also a way forward, a way forward to a healthy life and a sense of normality.
I cannot see it around the corner, no doubt it will be a road well travelled with hurdles, obstacles in my way to trip me up but at the end.....freedom.

Trust

Dont think I have ever felt so hurt by one individual intentionally.
 What gives someone the right to use another persons thoughts against them, for no other reason than to make themselves look just that little big bigger.
Well guess what?  you didn't, you made yourself look like the pathetic individual that you are, and I am still here, head held up high, not ashamed of what I said or who I am. 
How dare you pretend to be my friend, abuse my trust and kick me when I am down.  Knowing what I have been through the past few weeks and knowing what I am still dealing with you should be ashamed of yourself.  I have no other words to say......I am seriously pissed off, angry, upset that I have needed to close my blog for fear of you linking me to local forums.  This was my one outlet, my sounding board and you have now f**ked that up!!!!
Screw you.....

My A to Z. The letter I

I.  Me, myself, I am unique, one of a kind.
Impatient. Very!!! I like things to be done there and then, 'Im an instant fix girl which is why I have never been successful in either growing my hair or nails. I think I have now learnt that watching the microwave go round is not going to make it cook any quicker!!!

Iridescent.  Love it.  Again I have images of pearlised pastels, glittering hues, bubbles,rainbows and all things girly.  Not tacky like those dreadful two tone trousers you could get in the 80's  Now how many of you will admit to wearing those?

Impulsive. Dreadfully so...past incidents of impulsiveness have resulted in, 4 tattoos, eyebrow piercing, cropped hair, pink hair, blonde hair, any hair you name it and Ive had it, far too many items of clothing and footwear too mention and a very expensive band for a birthday party (thankfully have now cancelled!!!)

IPod. Couldn't be without it.  My music goes everywhere with me and will often determine my mood.
Music is great for linking into your feelings, evoking emotions and memories from periods in your life. I am very much an 80's girl and will spend hours trawling you tube and Spotify for old tracks.....ahhhhhhh.

Inverness. Went there once on a holiday in a wooden cabin.  Was eaten all week by midgies, got stuck on a loch in a rowing boat when I dropped my oar, the hotel had stuffed dead animals looking at you all the time and the damn piper played his bloody bagpipes every evening in the car park!!!!  Can't wait to go back!

Invincible.  I sometimes think I am.
Nothing can touch me, everything will be fine, no need to change.
But I am not invincible, not Mrs Incredible, I am me....the fragile person under the often hard exterior. 
The shell is cracking, breaking off bit by bit with each little knock that life gives.  Eventually the soft interior will be exposed, bared open for all too see...a scrambled mixed up mess,

J tommorrow.
Much Love xxx

How should I be feeling?

How are you supposed to feel when a parent dies? When the person who brought you into this world is no longer there?
I keep asking myself, What is normal?  What should I be feeling?  How should I be reacting?
The truth is I don't know how to feel.  I am terrified of the emotions and use food to block out the hurt and the feelings of sadness. 

I was weighed today and no surprise to find out that yes I had lost weight.  I was neither elated nor disappointed. It no longer has anything to do with my dress size or how I perceive myself.  Restriction gives me a sense of control in my life, a focus, a way of numbing what I am feeling and dealing with difficulties.
Ultimately I know this cannot continue, I need to nourish myself, I have come so far in recovery but still have a long way to go.
At some point I will need to let go, to acknowledge my feelings, accept them and deal with them.
 I am scared of this as it makes me feel weak and I feel very alone.
 I hope you can understand this and have patience with me.
Thank you for listening.

My A to Z For Elaine, the letter H

Heron.  My maiden name, My Dads name, my Mums married name.
Herons are medium to large sized birds with long legs and necks!!  Ok I will go along with the long legs but that is where the similarity ends!!  I always had problems with the pronunciation of my surname due to being tongue tyed, hence why I didnt go back to my maiden name after my divorce.  Its spelt H E R O N!!!! How many times do I have to repeat it?  Visitors to our home were greeted with a beautiful stained glass heron displayed on the front.  Now I am proud to be a Heron.

Hope.  I live in hope.  Hope that I can be happy with myself, content with who I am inside and out, hope that my summer holiday will not be tainted with worry and anxiety over meals out, hope that i can complete the sponsored walk I have organised and hope that I can begin to live again,

Hate.  my Mother always said 'hate is a strong word,' and for once I agree with her.  I don't think I have ever really hated anyone, yes I have had a strong dislike for a few people, their actions, the things they have done to others or how they have made me feel, but probably not hate.

Horny.  just don't give me strawberries......

Hustler.  My old comprehensive school.  I do not have many happy memories of my school days, I kept out of trouble, knuckled down to my school work and just got on with things.  I was bullied terribly but didn't speak up.  As a child when things happen you accept it as the norm...I do not feel any anger towards anyone I went to school with as you never know what there life was like.
I am happy to say I have recently regained contact with some people from school and we have become good friends.  I couldn't have asked for a more supportive group of people even considering the hundreds of miles between us.

Heights!!!  One of my greatest fears, along with flying.  I hate going up ladders, walking over bridges especially when you can see the water beneath your feet.
As a child I can remember going to the top of York Minister and crawling around on my hands and knees just to make me nearer to the ground. 

Holidays.  I used to hate holidays, the change in routine would throw me into chaos.  Now I live for them.
July cannot come around quick enough when we jet off to Turkey for 2 weeks (with Valium for the flight of course)

History.  I wish I had taken more notice during lessons at school.  There is so much that I don't know about and am ashamed to say makes me feel so ignorant...time to get reading I think.

Home.  So glad to be back with my family and friends.  Back to the routines however mundane they are my mundane routines and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Help. Sometimes I should accept it......

letter I tomorrow, night all. xx

Mothers Day....

It is hard enough dealing with the death of a parent but even more so when it is totally unexpected.
On march 16th I received the news that my Mother had died suddenly, after being ill for less than 12 hours.
How i felt then and how I feel now I cannot put into words, probably as I don't quite know how I feel.
45 minutes after receiving the message I had set off on a train to her home 300 miles away, this has to have been the worst train journey I have had to encounter.
The past few weeks I have survived on adrenalin, stress, cigarettes and wine.
I felt the need to be the strong one, the reliable one, the one who will keep everyone else together when their lives are falling down around them.
My mums husband, they have been together 5 years, married for 2 and I am pleased to say they have had a happy but short life together.
My younger Sister, at 29 this is too young to lose her Mum, especially after losing dad 6 years prior.  She was used to calling mum almost daily, talking over problems with her 4 kids, what was happening with her Uni course, usual sort of stuff...I hope I am able to fill that gap in her life now as she is very much on her own.
I don't know how I managed to get through the funeral, brandy helped!!  Again, I stayed strong, put on a brave face, comforted those around me...kept it all in...I'm afraid of the day that the emotions will come out.
I would be lying if i said my relationship with mum was a bed of roses, It wasn,t.  Despite our differences I hold close the memories of last August when I spent 2 weeks with Mum, Derek, Susan and her children.  I was so pleased to visit Mum in November last year with my Son, a weekend I know he wont forget.
mum died the day before my Birthday, today I opened my birthday cards along with sympathy cards from friends, I still have the card from Mum unopened, as yet I  cannot bring myself to read it.
Myself and my Sister had the task of sorting out Mums things, moments of sadness mixed with moments of humour.  How did Mum end up with a pair of my shoes and a bottle of my Sisters perfume!!!! It felt wrong going through her things, bit like snooping for pressies at Christmas when we were kids!
I have come back with memories from the loft, but it is always the memories in my heart I will hold dear.
For anyone coping with a bereavement food and eating is probably the last thing on their mind, I know this was the case for me.
I have found it impossible to keep on track, in some ways it helped block out the emotions, gave me something else to focus on.  I know this is not right, and will endeavour to be positive and keep myself well....
I have a lot to thank my friends for, I would not have gotten through this without them.  The kind messages were a huge comfort, the visits from old school friends when at Mums and the friendly 'old' faces at the funeral.  Thank you. xx
Well tomorrow is Mothers day. I shall be thinking off you, will buy some flowers and put the cards up which I bought and ironically was delivered the morning of your funeral.
Rest in peace Mum, will miss you and love you.