Word of the Day 5-8. Sincere.Warrior.Honesty.Trouble.

I have a feeling my fingers, heart and eyes will be sore after todays blogging!!  Due to an appointment with a sun lounger on a beautiful Greek Island, I have not blogged for what seems like an eternity. (More about the holiday later)
So today I will endeavour to continue with Junes Bloggers challenge so you will find many days in one post.

Sincerity

I ask,

you reply,

with honesty,

frankness,

with love, 

and conviction.

It hurts,

but true words can also heal the pain.

I believe in you,

you believe in me.

Sincerity.

When given the word 'Warrior' the first people I thought of was She Ra from a childrens' cartoon, Joan Of Ark and that hot bloke from Spartacus.
But as this challenge is mostly linked into eating disorders pro recovery I will again plug the freedom fighters,
a group of women from different parts of the world who have battled with eating disorders and strive to educate others that recovery is an option and we should not be silent.

http://werfreedomfighters.webs.com/whoarewe.htm

For me warrior means fighter, taking on a challenge, a cause, a battle and continuing the fight until you win.
And for those of you interested, here is a photo of hot bloke from Spartacus :)

Nice Pants :)

During the early parts of my eating disorder honesty was not my priority.

Honest did not allow me to continue with my behaviours, honesty would bring me shame, honesty would damage my relationships and my health or so I thought.

Realistically being honest with myself and others gave me back the control to become well.  Honesty allowed me to focus on what I was feeling and speak about it.  Honesty gave me back the respect I had lost from people around me.

Honesty gave me the strength to break the silence, speak up and share my story.

Honesty goes hand in hand with sincerity.

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.  ~Tad Williams

As a child I always seemed to be in 'Trouble.'  I was very clumsy, constantly dropping and breaking things.  There are still things that I cant write but it was always 'wait til you're Father gets home,' then there'll be trouble.  I'm not sure if I was a particularly difficult child, although I was told I was very naughty and bad, something which stays with you for a long time.  I don't blame my parents anymore, they didn't have an easy upbringing but I certainly don't go along with the 'spare the rod spoil the child' concept.
As a teenager I became 'troubled' constantly.  By my home life, my school life, my appearance, my intelligence or seemingly stupidity.  I have memories of sitting in my room on numerous occasion's with a bag, trying to pack my clothes wondering if I could hitch hike away from what I felt was a troubled existence.  In 1985 I packed my troubles behind me and moved away to only be troubled by my past, my lack of self esteem and confidence and an eating disorder. To this day I hate to be 'in trouble' be it at home or work.  Raised voices and conflict scare me, I can be reduced to tears by a harsh look or stern words, but that's a story for another day.

"Trouble"
Coldplay

Oh no, I see,
A spider web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
Oh no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
Oh I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,
And oh, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And oh, and I never meant to do you wrong,
And oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
Oh no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,
Singing out, oh I never meant to cause you trouble,
Oh, I never meant to do you wrong,
Oh, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh no, I never meant to do you harm.
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

Word Of The day. Day 4 Crazy

When I was a child there was a local Psychiatric hospital called St Lukes nearby, which was often referred to as the 'Looney Bin.' My parents would often comment if I was 'misbehaving,' you will drive us to St Lukes! That never happened, instead I developed an Eating Disorder and became an inpatient in a different 'looney bin,' many years later, for 'crazy' people.  I met a lot of 'crazy' people in my short time there. Elderly patients with dementia, young mothers with post natal depression, teenagers with bi-polar.  These weren't 'crazy' people they were people like me with an illness, people who needed support not to be judged or labelled.
For me now. I see crazy as a good word, the same as I see bonkers or mad. I used to dye my hair pink and red using crazy colours.  I can often wear crazy outfits.  I can be impulsive and do crazy things. I have crazy friends. I love crazy.

Driven Crazy or Crazy Driven

Are you driven crazy or crazy driven?
Are you driven by what people say OR are you crazy driven by an awesome day.

Are you driven crazy after a big fight OR crazy driven by a long night

If your driven crazy don't let anything get under your skin.
And if your crazy driven. It's your time to sin... 

Shauntae Taylor

Word Of The Day. Day 3. Power

I would almost describe my eating disorder as a tug of war, especially during recovery.  The constant nagging thoughts in my head, not sure which way to turn, the power struggle between good and bad!  I think this picture symbolises it really well, the one foot on and one foot off the scales.  The trepidation of standing on fully in fear of what it would tell you, but also the success in being the powerful one and pulling that tug of war rope just that little bit harder and succeeding in not standing on them.

Power, belief, love, strength.

Word Of The Day. Day 2. Invisible

Invisible.

I look to you but you don't see me,

I can hear you speak but you don't hear me.

I reach out for you but your not within my grasp,

I speak to you and my words are swept away

floating on the empty nothingness of my existence.

I feel pain, I cry tears, I can see my reflection,

but what do you see?

Nothing.

For I am unimportant, I am not needed.

I am invisible.

Jackie. June 2012

Word Of The Day. Day 1 Change

After eventually succeeding in completing the May Bloggers challenge, although at times a little later than others, I have become a glutton for punishment and decided to give the June challenge a shot.  I will pre warn you though that from June 6-13th I shall be sunning myself on a beach in Rhodes and shall probably be reading rather than writing so shall be playing catch up again when back.

I have a wonderful young lady to thank for the June Bloggers challenge. She is called Arielle and is active within a community which promotes eating disorder recovery.  She is possibly one of the most inspirational people I have come across and although irrelevant has bloody lovely hair :)

You can find Arielle here http://tearstowords.blogspot.co.uk/  here,http://www.youtube.com/user/arielleleebair

and herehttp://www.youtube.com/user/arielleleebai    As you can see she is one busy lady with one positive message. Recovery from an eating disorder is possible.

Back to the challenge.  Basically I have a word a day and I write about it, its as simple as that!!  Here's to hoping.

CHANGE

Verb. To make or become different

Noun. An act or process in which something becomes different.

Some changes we have little or no control over, like the weather or the economy.

Some changes are inevitable like ageing or death.

Some changes are a consequence of other changes like depression, unemployment, grief or divorce.

What we can control though is how we deal with these changes and how we react to the feelings we get from them. The wanting to change and the motivation to do this ultimately has to come from you. Yes, you can get support, therapy, encouragement from others but you really need to want, deep inside to change the way you think about and react to things.  Feelings and emotions have to be recognised as what they are and not to be transposed onto your body. Change can happen and can be good.

Man In The Mirror

Micheal Jackson

I'm gonna make a change,
for once in my life
It's gonna feel real good,
gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right...

As I, turn up the collar on
my favourite winter coat
This wind is blowing my mind
I see the kids in the streets,
with not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind?
Pretending not to see their needs

A summer disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change
(Na na na, na na na, na na, Na nah)

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realise
That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan
Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone

A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart
And a washed-out dream
(Washed-out dream)
They follow the pattern of the wind ya' see
'Cause they got no place to be
That's why I'm starting with me

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Ooh!)
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change


I'm starting with the man in the mirror
(Ooh!)
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Change his ways - ooh!)
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make that..
CHANGE!

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
(Man in the mirror - Oh yeah!)
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Better change!)
No message could have been any clearer
(If you wanna make the world a better place)
(Take a look at yourself and then make the change)

(You gotta get it right, while you got the time)
('Cause when you close your heart)
You can't close your... your mind!
(Then you close your... mind!)
That man, that man, that man, that man
With the man in the mirror
(Man in the mirror, oh yeah!)
That man, that man, that man,
I'm asking him to change his ways
(Better change!)
You know... that man
No message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make the change
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Na na na, na na na, na na, na nah
(Ooooh...)
Oh no, no no...

I'm gonna make a change
It's gonna feel real good!
Come on!
(Change...)
Just lift yourself
You know
You've got to stop it,
Yourself!

day 31 Reflections

Think back/look back over the previous thirty days. How did you find this challenge? Did you find anything difficult? Were you pleasantly surprised in some way? Did you learn anything from your writing? Did you read other people’s blogs? Did you learn anything from others? If you could write one sentence to express what you want people to know most of all about eating disorders and recovery from this blog challenge what would it be? And why?

I started to write my blog in November of 2010 at the point when I had made the decision to recover from my eating disorder. I knew very little about blogging and had come across it by chance when I was trawling the Internet for recovery support.  I was gobsmacked at the information out there and was inspired by the bloggers who wrote it.  One blogger was a young lady called Keira who I would chat to online.  I was amazed not only by her achievements but also in the way she wrote. She had such passion but also gave sensible and logical advice.  I am happy to say that Keira is still on my facebook friends, one of only 2 that I kept from online forums.

my blog posts were never planned, they had no fixed agenda, If something came into my head I wrote about it.  I am not the greatest writer but was amazed when I could write poetry again after numerous years.  My blog posts helped me to get some perspective, they helped to relieve stress, anger, to deal with emotions. I can look back on them now and not recognise the person I was then.

The better I got the less posts I made but to be honest my blog was originally about my recovery so if I'm recovered is there any reason to continue writing?  I came to realise that i actually enjoy it and the HFC bloggers challenge has given it a purpose again.

I have found some days more difficult and i will admit that I may have taken the easy option at times, but for good reason. I have loved reading others posts and have been quite humbled by what others have written, how they have survived what they have gone through amazes me.  I have laughed and cried, and at times have found some stories a little too close to home, but do not regret any of it.

This challenge has lit a fire in me and given me a little spark.It has given me something to stand up for, and people to stand up for. 

It has made me realise that I was never alone, there people out there that could help, I just wish I had found some of them before I hit the bottom.

Recovery, its worth it. You are worth it.

Day 30 Someday I....

write a ‘someday list’. You can share a list you have written in the past if you wish, or it can be a list you write with regards to what you hope for in the future. Do checkout the trailer for Someday Melissa on the website above for inspiration for this blog challenge and to take a sneak peek into the new DVD. http://www.somedaymelissa.com/

In the words of a Blue Peter Presenter, 'Heres one I made earlier.'

This is my Wish List from February 2011

My wish list

To eat from the same size plate as the rest of my family.

To eat takeaway without having to have consumed far too much alcohol beforehand!!! With the exception of kebab, you can not eat one of those sober!

Reduce my alcohol consumption, I do not need it to be confident, funny or enjoy myself.

To choose items from the supermarket because I want them, not because of the fat or calorie content.

stop being critical of the way I look, to embrace my curves (when they get here)

Not feel guilty/bad/unworthy when I have something I would otherwise deemed as unsafe food.

Not to have safe/unsafe foods.

Eat at a restaurant without needing to see a menu beforehand.

Not be ruled by numbers, be it on a scale, a calorie, a clothing size.

And Im very proud to say that my 'someday' came and stayed.

My future  Someday......

Someday

I will learn to drive and actually get past doing a three point turn, not hit a tree, or a dog on the beach and get put forward to my test.

Someday

I will finish a project. Look, Im nearly here, only one more day to go. Ok I may be 5 days late but Ive done it.

Someday

I will be confident enough to just be me.

Someday

I will get Gary Law back on his double bass and sing Peggy Lees 'Fever,' at the Ritz Acoustic Club.

Someday

I will stop over analysing situations and see them as they are.

Someday

I will stop blaming myself for things that have been out of my control

Someday

I will finish the ironing!!

Someday

I will forgive and stop blaming myself