For Becky, rest in peace. xx

We Can't take back the things we said,

We cannot change the things we did,

Two years have gone since you have passed,

I still feel guilt, the pain, the loss.

It will be two years today since my friend Becky died.  We were best friends for over twelve years but we hadn't spoken for a year before her death.

We had a brilliant friendship, but unfortunately things got in the way, words were spoken which couldn't be wiped clear and the friendship ended.

Despite this I could never forget the good times we had.  I suppose its a bit like when you get divorced, you may not be able to live with a person anymore but you often long for the fun times that you had..and we had so many!

Times with Becky were mostly fun.....yes she had her faults, who doesn't, but she was always fun to be around.  She was a very head strong person, always gave a good argument, was usually always right (or liked to think she was!!)  but always stuck up for her friends.

My favourite memory has to be one new years eve, after playing drunken twister, and 'guess who' (cue Kev sat with a post it not on his forehead!!)  we both ran to the pub wearing pink fluffy slippers with sparklers in our hands to sing on the karaoke...

Becky loved her karaoke.  She was full of confidence when up on a stage but in other ways she could be shy and lacking in confidence.  She was a bit of a prude and certain rude words could turn her a shade of pink in a matter of seconds...

She would belt out rock songs and rap songs whilst I stuck to the ballads...a big girl with a big set of lungs.

We would sing this every week.....

Rest In Peace Becky....I wish things could have been different.   xxxxxx

believing in yourself

Have been looking back on my 'Wish List' which I wrote in February.  The list of my hopes for the future, my goals and what I want to achieve with my recovery, and haven't I done well!!!

I haven't changed my plate size yet, so my portion sizes are possibly still on the small side but there has been improvement.
I now eat virtually the same as the rest of my family, occasionally I may have a bit of a swop with the carbs or protein but again, I'm getting there.
I do not rely on alcohol to eat a takeaway.  Instead, If I'm hungry I will go for the healthier option, ditch the kebab and go home and make a sarnie. 
Sandwiches!!!!! yes..I am now eating bread.  And I have to say I love the way it tastes, I love the smell and the fact there are a multitude of scrummy things you can put inside it.
I have no urges to over eat, I have 3 meals a day and nibble on snacks when at work.  I have started to become very tired and often dizzy which I think is my body telling me it needs more fuel to work, I listen to my body and refuel it. (thank goodness for graze boxes)   Makes sense.  My metabolism has changed and I need to recognise this.
If I want chocolate or biscuits, I eat them.  I deserve them.  I can stop before eating the whole bar but if I don't, no problem.  Tomorrow I wont be the size of a hippo I will still be me.
My thoughts are not flooded with food, what to eat or not eat.  I look forward to shopping, I am enjoying buying and trying foods I haven't eaten in ages....it is like a whole new experience and I cant wait for the new day to start when I can feel it all again.
I have no idea what I weigh and have no desire to find out.  I am aware that some of my clothes are getting tighter so I shall but new ones.

I still have insecurities about the way I look and I doubt I will ever lose them.  But I am dealing with these, I am trying to love myself inside and out.
It is support group in 2 weeks, I thought about not going, telling myself I don't need it anymore.  Maybe I don't.  What I do know is that the other group members need to know that there is hope, you can beat it, they are strong enough, and for that reason I need to attend and believe in them too.

Dear Body....six months on.

Well its been 6 months since my first 'Dear Body', so lets see what has changed,

Dear Body,

you have had a lot of stress the past few months, both physically and emotionally.  I often wonder how you have managed to keep going, must be the fighter in you!!  I haven't been treating you well, sometimes I didn't think you deserved it, other times I needed to change you....to make you look differently so I could feel or even not feel.  I am trying to put that right.

Dear Hair.... you are still red!!  I apologise for the dreadful incident with the peroxide, one of my impulsive but regret later moments.  I cannot promise this won't happen again but I am pleased that you are getting your shine back and  that I have more on my head than in the plug hole or on the pillow.

Dear Eyes,  you have shed a few tears recently, you have been empty and dull, but now you are beginning to sparkle and see in the mirror what others see. 

Dear nose,  no change!!!

Dear Boobs.....is it extravagant to buy 9 new bras?  I think not.  You deserve them, both of you. 

Dear Tummy, you're still there, the thing I like the least...I wish I could love you.Instead I cover you up and try to squeeze you down out of sight.  I hope one day our relationship will change.

Dear Bottom, It no longer hurts to sit down on you, this I like.  You may not be as pert as you once were but the right fitting jeans help.  I do wish you were not so noisy....   :)

Dear Hips,  you are now covered how you should be.  Your bones no longer stick out, I like your shape.

Dear Legs, you rock!!!

Dear Feet, I still treat you badly by being a fashion victim, I made up for it by letting the lovely fish at the spa nibble on you.  It tickled....I will do it again

In conclusion.....I will continue to give you the nourishment you deserve and keep you well and happy.  I look forward to having you around for a very long time. x

I'm 'allowed' a bad day.

I hate this time, and Ive been here before.  The time during recovery when your body starts changing and you begin to notice.  The time when you feel sick eating different types of food, the bloating, the stomach ache the choking anxieties, the lack of acceptance of your recovering body.
I look at pictures of other woman who are very thin, and I know I shouldn't, I see their beautiful faces and think they shouldn't be going through this, they don't need to change...
I look at my self and think, I deserve everything I get!!
Getting ready to go out for the evening yesterday was a trauma.  Nothing seemed to fit, I looked and felt dreadful, my bedroom floor was cluttered with clothes that had been taken on and off whilst I sat at the end of the bed in tears.  I wanted to just put on a massive jumper and cover everything up.  Out of sight out of mind.
But I didn't, I found a floaty top that covered the areas I wasn't happy with, styled my hair differently to give me a boost and went out and had a bloody good time!!
Today has been filled with lots of contemplation, lots of self-talk and a little bit of uncertainty.
Tomorrow will be better. xx

I don't 'do' labels.

Had my fortnightly meet and weigh in with the ED nurse today and good news, I have progressed from having an anorexic BMI to being underweight. How good I feel to have lost that label......
But eating disorders are not all about BMI, they are about how you feel, your self esteem, your self image and your relationship with food.
The decision to give up your eating disorder is one of the most difficult things you can do.  By decision I do not mean you can change things overnight, that can never happen. Ultimately the choice is simple, live or die....and I chose to live.
Each day can still be a struggle but I am a stronger person and able to challenge my thoughts, able to fight against the disordered thinking and win.  I may not eat the same as my family, I may still choose the diet or low fat option, I still struggle with food shopping, I still have safe and unsafe foods, I worry what people will think if they see me eating cake!!!!  BUT.....I am healthy, I am happy, I eat regularly, I am moving on.
I have learnt what my triggers are and if there is a next time, I will be ready to bite back.....

I have an appointment with the ED nurse in July, she wont discharge me yet so fingers crossed for next time.

Thank You. xx

Today we did the 7 mile beach walk in aid of sweda (somerset and wessex eating disorders association) and I would like to thank all those involved, from the heart, for supporting the cause and taking part.
I had my first experience of a support group 10 years ago and vowed I would never go back.....I'm glad I did.
I met a group of like minded people, all striving for recovery in a relaxed and safe environment.  I have the utmost respect for all the volunteers of sweda who give their time with no charge.
I have never felt isolated or triggered in the group, I look forward and enjoy the monthly meetings always taking some positivity and direction from them.

For me, today was a humbling experience, we didnt have a huge amount of walkers but the people who turned up did it for me.....that may sound like Im bigging myself up but Im not.   These people have been my support, my rocks, my stability and I can't thank them enough.
Also to those who werent able to do the walk but contribute with sponsorship...not sure how much but I think we are nearing the 1K mark....

mandy losing her hat....

Becky getting her stride on...

all smiles from Deb and Jen...

Joe and debs before they got stuck in the mud!!!

Kate and Tom

Russel and Louise racing for a pint!

A well earned pint for Glyn the marshall

Oh dear Vicki, hobbling a bit.

Kev and Damien bringing up the rear.

Moi!!

Off to bed now, well earned rest., 

My A to Z, The letter K

Ok, its been a while since I have posted my A to Z so thought it a plan to continue with the lighthearted stuff..

The letter K

Karaoke....Karaoke is a word formed from putting two Japanese words together. "Kara" that comes from Karappo and means empty and "Oke", shortened from Okesutura meaning "orchestra". So Karaoke means "empty orchestra
As sad as it may seem, I love Karaoke.  I love to sing it and I love to listen to it.  I work on a Friday evening at a local  pub where I am, DJ Jackie, maestro of the krappioke karaoke.
I see a few characters there, some can sing well, some can't but all have the balls to get up and do it and bloody good for them.
My favourites are people who do not take themselves too seriously, can laugh at their flaws and are generally good entertainment.  I love a trier.  I also like those singers who get up, have amazing voices but actually don't realise.....
My pet hates.....the phrases you hear every weekend 'Im just staying for one, can I go on next?' (when they are blatantly staying put the whole night) ' but I'm really good' 'Turn the backing up' 'more reverb'. The list is endless!!!!
i love to sing , but often feel there is an expectation of a karaoke host to actually be good, to sing well!
Now I am no Catherine Jenkings but I can hold a note.  I do not have a varied range but know what I can and cannot do.  I tend to leave my song until last.....traditional really but also because at 1am most of the customers have already gone home!!
My fave karaoke songs at the moment is Adele 'someone like you.'

Kitchen.  I eventually got my own way and I now have my own cupcake kitchen, it is heaven.  The walls are marshmallow pink, shame I couldn't have got the paint from Willie Wonka as I could happily have spent days licking marshmallow flavoured walls.

When I had finished it hubby said,'wheres all my crap gone?' My dear, its in the cupcake bag of course!!!!

My beautiful Kitchen sign

I have to laugh at this picture.  The party rings were for display purposes only until I realised I was rather addicted to them!!  Funny thing is, the neck of the biscuit jar is so narrow that Kev can't get his hand in!!  More for me...yeah!

Cupcake jars with compulsory mugs

Sexy Cupcake pinny!!  Ever woman should have one (or man)

Bought for my by my lovely friend Bee, all I need now is a pair of pink fluffy mule slippers and a feather duster.

Oh, how did that get there?  It was taken in my kitchen so it almost counts....my new tattoo.  Cupcake of course.

Kev.  my wonderful husband.  We are like chalk and cheese, but we gel.  We compliment each other.

I honestly have no idea how he puts up with me sometimes, I never sit down and I never shut up!!

He is my rock, my friend, my soul mate, and I love him dearly.

Kefalonia.  My favourite Greek island.  We first went to kefalonia (Cephalonia) about 5 years ago and fell in love with it.  It had the charm of old traditional Greek without the commercialism.  It was peaceful, tranquil, friendly, just perfect.
We decided to have our wedding their in 2008 which was the most beautiful day, more than we could have imagined. The stress of organising a wedding abroad faded into the distance whilst we had our photos taken against the backdrop of clear Sky's and crystal blue seas

Kip.  slang for sleep, which Is what I need right now...night all, xxx
Oh hang on, how could I forget kebab..the compulsory culinary delight after a night on the cider.

bum!!!

I look in envy at the relationship between a friend and their mother.....I yearn for what they have.  I mourn for what I have lost, for what I may never had had....too much wine maybe!
Its been a brilliant weekend, special times spent with special people, but at the back of my mind the sadness is still there.
I am trying so hard to move on but its not easy, no one ever said it would be.  I have spent the afternoon reading through old letters from my Dad to my Mum, I wont divulge anything here but they spanned the 3 years of Dads national service and they made me cry,,,,,,,,
They truly loved each over and I am so proud to have them as my parents.   I so wish they were here today, at 44 I still feel too young to have lost both parents.
Sometimes I think I am kidding myself, other times I feel on top of the world....elated, ready to take on anything. If I'm honest  I actually dont' know what  I want, maybe I'm just out to please everyone but me..
maybe tommorrow is another day and I will feel differently.