my A to Z. the letter L

Apologies for straying from my alphabet, time to crack on with the letter L.

Love....Noun: An intense feeling of deep affection.
I try not to use the word Love unless I actually mean it.  It is branded around indiscriminately which makes it pretty meaningless.  To love someone is to never imagine them not being in your life, to never have contact with them, to have a mutual respect, to hurt when they are hurting.  Now being in love is completely different!!  :)

Lillies...my favourite flowers, especially pink ones.  Yes I know they are traditionally funeral flowers but there is something special about lillies.  The petals feels like silk, the scent is amazing, the way they open from bud...love 'em.

Lonely....I have never been on my own..From the moment I left home I have either house shared or being in a relationship, so why sometimes do I feel lonely?  I have a great group of friends but I sometimes feel I don't fit in, I feel like the ugly one in the group of good looking people...the odd friend..I'm sure some of you reading can relate to this.

Lent...never given up anything and never intend to.

Little voice.....one of my favourite films. I can see myself in Jane Horrocks.  A timid, plain girl engrossed in a fantasy of her late fathers music with the most hypnotic and amazing voice.  (I wish!!)

Late...punctuality is not one of my attributes.  If you arrange a date with me I would suggest you tag an extra half an hour on to make sure |I arrive on time!!!!

what a change

Have been looking back at my wish list which I posted in February, and how things have changed.
I am pleased to say that I am winning, if not passed the winning line and got a gold!
Food is no longer my enemy, it doesn't scare me or haunt my every waking moment.
I can shop without the stress and anxiety, I pick out food becausee I like it not because it is low fat or low calorie.
I recognise when I am hungry and know when to stop!
I cook for the family and eat the same meal...on the same size plate.
Eating out is not a chore but a joy.
I eat chocolate because I fancy it, the same goes for crisps, biscuits and nuts.
I feel good about myself, healthy, worthy, beautiful.
Don't be despondent, don't give up, fight for your life...you can do it and you are worth it. xx

water babes.

Its been a while since my last post and things have been hectic but good.
I started my weeks leave from work with a camping trip on the Wye valley.  For those of you who are not familiar with this part of the country it is on the welsh border in the county of Powys or Herefordshire.
A group of nineteen of us stayed at the Hollybush campsite which is a very rustic campsite with a quaint pub and restaurant, it is on the banks of the river Wye and is popular with those wanting to canoe and kayak.
We had previous experience over a year ago when we camped in a very cold October......the site was cheap, and to be honest we got what we paid for!!! It is run by a lovely woman called Barbara, a bit of a barefooted, bra-less hippy from new Zealand.
She had her bedroom in the pub bar area and could be seen walking through the restaurant in her swimming costume as she was going for a shower!!
She is now a bit of a local TV celebrity as was recently on Channel 5's Hotel Inspector, I am pleased to say that after the show was aired her facilities are a little more usable whilst still keeping the quirky charm.
Background info done, back to the weekend.
We set camp on the Saturday after leaving home at the ungodly hour of 7am.  The site was very busy but we managed to find a spot in the tepee field, shaded by the trees.  Tents erected, kettles boiled, sandwiches made...the beginning of an adventure.
The first evening was pretty chilled, lots of humour, the cider was flowing and the compulsory game of fluffy bunny.  I cannot believe that Damien managed to fit 30 marshmallows into his mouth without chewing or being sick!!!
We all settled down for an early night ready for the next day of kayaking.....or so we thought!!!
I was one of the lucky ones, I will sleep through anything unlike my merry team of campers who were kept awake to the merry throngs of Kumbaya from the hooray Henry's in the tepees til the early hours.
The Saturday morning begun with a hearty breakfast cooked by Jen and Gly and after squeezing into my sexy wetsuit we set off for the river.
Now we had a few kayaking virgins with us, and they played safe by sticking to the almost unsinkable Canadian canoes.....note I said ALMOST unsinkable!!!!!
Some were 2 up and others 3, a few of us took to the one man kayaks and paddled upstream ready for the 13 mile trip which took us to the boat and anchor.  the river was at a good level, the rapids were gentle but had enough power to make you work a little over them.
What happened next I missed!!!   There was I, merrily paddling away, singing to myself along with my ipod and when I looked back there was no one....just me and the river.
I waited a while, then a little while longer before deciding to go back on myself to find the crew.
Well what happened was carnage.......they had been playing human dominoes on the weir!!!!  Not one, not two or three, but four of the almost unsinkable canoes had turned over. 
Andrea was hanging off a tree, one was wearing a canoe as a hat and as for poor Jen,  she probably peed herself as no one would notice!!!  Thankfully they all survived to tell the tale and were very grateful for the campfire when they got back to camp later.
Did I fall in?  Thank goodness no, but I did have a few wobbly moments I was choose not to happen again.
All in all it was a good weekend, great company, good food and hilarious memories.

For Becky, rest in peace. xx

We Can't take back the things we said,

We cannot change the things we did,

Two years have gone since you have passed,

I still feel guilt, the pain, the loss.

It will be two years today since my friend Becky died.  We were best friends for over twelve years but we hadn't spoken for a year before her death.

We had a brilliant friendship, but unfortunately things got in the way, words were spoken which couldn't be wiped clear and the friendship ended.

Despite this I could never forget the good times we had.  I suppose its a bit like when you get divorced, you may not be able to live with a person anymore but you often long for the fun times that you had..and we had so many!

Times with Becky were mostly fun.....yes she had her faults, who doesn't, but she was always fun to be around.  She was a very head strong person, always gave a good argument, was usually always right (or liked to think she was!!)  but always stuck up for her friends.

My favourite memory has to be one new years eve, after playing drunken twister, and 'guess who' (cue Kev sat with a post it not on his forehead!!)  we both ran to the pub wearing pink fluffy slippers with sparklers in our hands to sing on the karaoke...

Becky loved her karaoke.  She was full of confidence when up on a stage but in other ways she could be shy and lacking in confidence.  She was a bit of a prude and certain rude words could turn her a shade of pink in a matter of seconds...

She would belt out rock songs and rap songs whilst I stuck to the ballads...a big girl with a big set of lungs.

We would sing this every week.....

Rest In Peace Becky....I wish things could have been different.   xxxxxx

believing in yourself

Have been looking back on my 'Wish List' which I wrote in February.  The list of my hopes for the future, my goals and what I want to achieve with my recovery, and haven't I done well!!!

I haven't changed my plate size yet, so my portion sizes are possibly still on the small side but there has been improvement.
I now eat virtually the same as the rest of my family, occasionally I may have a bit of a swop with the carbs or protein but again, I'm getting there.
I do not rely on alcohol to eat a takeaway.  Instead, If I'm hungry I will go for the healthier option, ditch the kebab and go home and make a sarnie. 
Sandwiches!!!!! yes..I am now eating bread.  And I have to say I love the way it tastes, I love the smell and the fact there are a multitude of scrummy things you can put inside it.
I have no urges to over eat, I have 3 meals a day and nibble on snacks when at work.  I have started to become very tired and often dizzy which I think is my body telling me it needs more fuel to work, I listen to my body and refuel it. (thank goodness for graze boxes)   Makes sense.  My metabolism has changed and I need to recognise this.
If I want chocolate or biscuits, I eat them.  I deserve them.  I can stop before eating the whole bar but if I don't, no problem.  Tomorrow I wont be the size of a hippo I will still be me.
My thoughts are not flooded with food, what to eat or not eat.  I look forward to shopping, I am enjoying buying and trying foods I haven't eaten in ages....it is like a whole new experience and I cant wait for the new day to start when I can feel it all again.
I have no idea what I weigh and have no desire to find out.  I am aware that some of my clothes are getting tighter so I shall but new ones.

I still have insecurities about the way I look and I doubt I will ever lose them.  But I am dealing with these, I am trying to love myself inside and out.
It is support group in 2 weeks, I thought about not going, telling myself I don't need it anymore.  Maybe I don't.  What I do know is that the other group members need to know that there is hope, you can beat it, they are strong enough, and for that reason I need to attend and believe in them too.

Dear Body....six months on.

Well its been 6 months since my first 'Dear Body', so lets see what has changed,

Dear Body,

you have had a lot of stress the past few months, both physically and emotionally.  I often wonder how you have managed to keep going, must be the fighter in you!!  I haven't been treating you well, sometimes I didn't think you deserved it, other times I needed to change you....to make you look differently so I could feel or even not feel.  I am trying to put that right.

Dear Hair.... you are still red!!  I apologise for the dreadful incident with the peroxide, one of my impulsive but regret later moments.  I cannot promise this won't happen again but I am pleased that you are getting your shine back and  that I have more on my head than in the plug hole or on the pillow.

Dear Eyes,  you have shed a few tears recently, you have been empty and dull, but now you are beginning to sparkle and see in the mirror what others see. 

Dear nose,  no change!!!

Dear Boobs.....is it extravagant to buy 9 new bras?  I think not.  You deserve them, both of you. 

Dear Tummy, you're still there, the thing I like the least...I wish I could love you.Instead I cover you up and try to squeeze you down out of sight.  I hope one day our relationship will change.

Dear Bottom, It no longer hurts to sit down on you, this I like.  You may not be as pert as you once were but the right fitting jeans help.  I do wish you were not so noisy....   :)

Dear Hips,  you are now covered how you should be.  Your bones no longer stick out, I like your shape.

Dear Legs, you rock!!!

Dear Feet, I still treat you badly by being a fashion victim, I made up for it by letting the lovely fish at the spa nibble on you.  It tickled....I will do it again

In conclusion.....I will continue to give you the nourishment you deserve and keep you well and happy.  I look forward to having you around for a very long time. x

I'm 'allowed' a bad day.

I hate this time, and Ive been here before.  The time during recovery when your body starts changing and you begin to notice.  The time when you feel sick eating different types of food, the bloating, the stomach ache the choking anxieties, the lack of acceptance of your recovering body.
I look at pictures of other woman who are very thin, and I know I shouldn't, I see their beautiful faces and think they shouldn't be going through this, they don't need to change...
I look at my self and think, I deserve everything I get!!
Getting ready to go out for the evening yesterday was a trauma.  Nothing seemed to fit, I looked and felt dreadful, my bedroom floor was cluttered with clothes that had been taken on and off whilst I sat at the end of the bed in tears.  I wanted to just put on a massive jumper and cover everything up.  Out of sight out of mind.
But I didn't, I found a floaty top that covered the areas I wasn't happy with, styled my hair differently to give me a boost and went out and had a bloody good time!!
Today has been filled with lots of contemplation, lots of self-talk and a little bit of uncertainty.
Tomorrow will be better. xx