BodyLove

On Friday 28th July at 1 pm in London I shall be taking part in the first ever Body Love  Flash-mob organised by Body Gossip.  For those of you who have never heard of Body Gossip, it is a positive body image campaign  run by the wonderful Ruth Rogers & Natasha Devon who work endlessly to banish body shame and encourage everyone to be the best version of themselves (no cover versions here.)  I talk about them here, here and here.

I was first inspired by Body Gossip after coming across a video on you tube called 'This one is For You.' It was a poem written by a young woman with anorexia and amongst other things was what started me on my journey of discovery and writing. It has taken me a very long time to really appreciate myself for who I am as a person, and possibly even longer to see past the physical imperfections that I, like many others, may have focused on.  Body bashing can seriously damage your self esteem, so can full length mirrors and communal changing rooms!!!

Body Gossip are actively doing something to stop this. They are showing the great British public that you can be proud of who you are, no excuses, just un-apologetically you!

Since 2006 Body Gossip have made many other videos, been on TV with Gok Wan himself, published a book containing body stories from the general public as well as celebs, brought out their own range of 'rocking' T-Shirts and now the Flash-Mob.

Why a Flash-Mob you may ask?

Well, Body Gossip are asking us to write on a heart,the name of  a part of our body that we love,and show it to the world through twitter and facebook. This is a statement to show all those companies, magazines, who for financial gain constantly make us feel we are not good enough, not thin enough, not young enough, not firm enough that actually, yes we are enough....... because we are who we are, we are individuals, we are beautiful and we are unique. To quote Natasha Devon, we 'rock our own brand of gorgeous.'

So on Friday, I shall be joining a lot of other gorgeous people and I will be shouting out that I love my Bum :)

Why don't you join me and fight back against body shame. Say yes to Body Love.

kiss my ass :)

I was driven to write this blog by the influx of weight loss promotional crap that I have come across on the book of face this evening and I have to say I am truly peed off with it!!!

As I look at the rather unflattering picture here of me taken yesterday on a charity 5k run I see the following;

strength, determination and positivity. I can see past the extra inches I am carrying around my waist, the double chin or the thighs which have thankfully doubled in size over the past 2 years. That is no longer important. What is important is how I feel about myself, how I see myself and that is so much more than fitting into a size 8 jeans (UK size ;)

Now I will tell you I committed the immortal sin recently. I weighed myself!!! Not because I was concerned, but because I was interested. I have not known my weight for a very long time. 

I needed to know how my weight would affect me, I know that could have been a risk but in the back of my mind I always stayed positive, not about the number, but about my reaction.

I also knew that for total recovery I needed to know how this affected me and I was pleased :)

My weight is the heaviest it has ever been, except when I was pregnant, and I am OK with that. The number had no effect on me whatsoever. It has made no difference to who I am, how I feel about myself....apart from I now can evidence that I am seriously worth so much more than a number.

Today I saw an advert on a bus saying, 'do you feel like the back of a bus,'well my ass may be growing and catching the bus up, but what I have to say to you and to facebook ads is, I love my ass, I don't want to buy your slimming exercise pants, I love me, so kiss this :)

Mental Health Awareness Week, Exercise is good for the mind.

This post should have been written yesterday if not even earlier in the week, but that just about sums up how my week has been!!!  I had it mentally written it in my head at about 2 am this morning and at that point should have acted on it.  After a particularly stressful and busy day at work I came home with the beginnings of a migraine. Trying to kick it into touch I decided to go to bed at 5 pm  waking at 9.30 pm and subsequently was unable to sleep for the majority of the night.

Not a good start to my first aid training today. I'm sure at one point my lack of interest and droopy eyes would have given the instructor good reason to confuse me with the resuscitation dummy. The only visible difference was that I had legs!!

Anyway, back to the reasons behind this post. This week has been Mental Health Awareness Week, and the theme being Exercise and Well-being I thought I could share my recent experiences of exercise and fitness and the benefits to your mental health.

To a lot of people you mention exercise, and visions come to them of testosterone packed gyms, sweaty bodies, pumping iron or pounding the pavements. There is so much emphasis put on the body beautiful, the visual, improving your physique, getting a flat stomach or 'bikini body' and fat burning. What about reducing your risk of diabetes, heart disease, stroke, osteoporosis or keep your body and mind active?  Not forgetting the social aspect, enjoyment and fun. Yes.... exercise and fitness can actually be fun. Have you ever tried Zumba?

Whats going on inside of your skeleton is more important than what you look like outside of it!

I originally signed up with a personal trainer because I needed to get my body back to the strength it was before I had an operation, and also because I needed to tone up the muscles which hadn't been used due to immobility. I was aware of concerns friends had due to my history of eating disorders but was confident in my ability to be mindful of what I could achieve, and I was the one in control......or rather Phil the trainer was!

So for the past 3 weeks I have been out twice a week if not more being pushed and motivated to run, walk, jog, punch, lift kettle bells, plank, crunch, squat and various other punishing exercises. I have no idea if I have  changed my body in any way shape or form yet but what I do know is this,

* I have a great sense of achievement from reaching a goal, however small.

* I feel like I am looking after my body rather than abusing it.

* Despite the often hard routines I laugh and keep my sense of humour.

*When I have had a bad it gets rid of my tensions and angst.

* It helps me to sleep better.

* It increases my mood and energy level.

*I have an increasingly healthy appetite!

*My lung capacity has increased.

* I am motivated :)

What a brilliant list of things that improve my mental health and well being without taking medication, drinking excessively, smoking or eating too much or too little. 

Other things I have learnt from exercising:

* regardless of the size of your boobs 2 sports bras are better than one.

* star jumps are no good if you haven't done pelvic floor exercises after childbirth!

*The man on the seafront likes to watch me do chest presses so now I face his lounge window :)

*Kettle bells hurt if you hit yourself in the leg.

* My coordination is crap but makes it funny.

*When Phil says'duck' move your head out of the way or you may get hit.

* visualise someones face on the pad when boxing, I can guarantee a stronger punch.

*Star jumps are better if you sing YMCA along to them.

* The hokey cokey can be sang along to most exercises.

*When I do squats I look like I'm having a poo.

*Lycra is never attractive......end of!

*apparently I gurn a lot.

* I look like I'm having sex when doing several floor movements. (not sure how Phil knows this)

*I say, "I can't" a lot, then do it and swear.

*I like to run up grass banks, but get a little scared going back down.

So there you have it. Exercise is fun and good for you, but know your limitations. On that point I must share I'm having a week off as I've knackered my knee. My exercise this week will involve lifting a glass to my mouth and pointing the remote at the TV. Have a good weekend.

Don't Panic!!!

So yesterday I have my first ever panic attack, and it scared me. I felt totally out of control, my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was about to leave my chest, I could barely breathe, I couldn't see from the tears clouding my eyes, I feared I would either throw up if I moved or pass out if I stood up. Throughout this time I was at work. I was in a position of responsibility, caring for others, supporting staff around me and what a bloody crap job I was doing!!  I knew why It happened and I need to deal with that. I am currently not at work, advised to stay at home until Monday.
Maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I am too emotional...or just maybe I am just too fucking stupid!!
A friend said to me, turn it around, make something positive out of it, so here goes....
The past few days have been shitty. I could have smoked but I didn't.
I could have got blind drunk, but I didn't.
I could have restricted my food to numb my emotions, but I didn't.
I could have eaten mounds of chocolate and thrown up,but I didn't.
I felt stressed, sick, at times numb and emotionless and made myself eat because I knew I needed too.
This is being positive, this is turning things round, this is true recovery.
This is me saying, I am not a push over, I have the strength to deal with this. I will bounce back.....

To Whom It May Concern

I was a little unsure of how to approach this subject without sounding ungrateful, so I will go with what I usually do and say it from the Heart.

I know that I have hurt my friends and family in the past, and I can never take that back......but that was not the real me. That was my eating disorder, and that has been and gone. 

I have never felt more positive about myself. Yes, I do have off days where I feel old, don't like how I'm looking but the difference is those odd times don't turn into months. They do not control me or define me. I do not restrict my diet or obsess over calories or my weight. I still have no need to know the number on the scale.

The past few years have taken such a toll on my body, my shape has changed dramatically due to surgery, my weight never really got back to 'normal' my muscle tone has disappeared and I want to change this.

I have thought about this a lot and at first I felt like a hypocrite  Was starting a training regime going against all I stand for? Was I letting the people down that I try to support? Was I back on the road downhill?

When It came down to it I could honestly say no to all of these questions.

My Anorexia was never about my weight, it was about my control. You need to understand that in order to understand what I am doing is a life change, a change for the better. A fitter healthier me.

I am also a bit of a lazy bugger, so a personal trainer is my motivation. I also have a goal to reach, I want to run a marathon and raise money for Sweda. 

I do understand why you worry, and I love you all for that. I have reached a place in my life where I am happy, I am at peace with myself, and within that place you will still find chocolate, takeaways, cider and moments of being a couch potato :) Thank you for being there for me.

Boobies

Due to my past few posts being a little melancholy I have decided to change direction and go for something a little more uplifting :) Boobs.

Unlike my Mother, my Sister or Dolly Parton I was never blessed with an ample bosom. I was a late developer and yearned for the day I had a chest! When all the girl at school were having their bra straps pinged by the boys there I was still in my ladybird vest.......

I practised in the privacy of my room stuffing Mums bras with loo roll or socks and surveying my profile in the mirror, just to see what if?  Alongside my Adam Ant make-up practice I'm sure I was becoming more appealing to the opposite sex on a daily basis.

Then the day came....  I had started to blossom slightly. OK they were more like a couple of gnat bites than budding breasts but we all had to start somewhere.

I was allowed my very first trainer bra (actually was my elder Sisters cast off.)  I can remember it well. White  (slightly greying from a mixed wash) with red polka dots, fraying elastic back and bent hook and eye fastening!! Should have kept it, would have been vintage now. 

This begs a question. why the hell are they called training bras? What were my Boobies in training for? They were pretty good at standing up on their own, was there something exciting awaiting these Boobs of mine that I wasn't ready to be exposed to yet?

I do wish I had taken a Booby photo a day, imagine that on fast forward :)

So back to Bras. I love Bras. I don't think my Husband understands the importance of having so many bras, especially now they have retired and come out of training.

There's Bras for T-shirts, seam free of course, Bras to push them up and separate them, ones that give you a uni -boob or a cleavage that to be honest can quite often resemble my arse, my knees or the crease in my elbow. (I dare you to take a photo without laughing.) There's blow up Bras, Gel Bras, peep hole Bras (never had One) sports Bras, under wired, no wires, bedroom bras, balconette, halterneck, strapless, the list goes on and on.

Of course you need the pants to match the Bra, along with the handbag and shoes. God forbid you were in an accident and were caught wearing underwear that didn't match!

As I came out of my teens I am pleased to say my Boobs did catch up and we have had an interesting time together. Being pregnant is like having an instant boob job. After having my Son they were just there, 2 massive bowling balls stuck to my chest which leaked like a bloody dripping tap and I had to carry down the stairs.

It suddenly all clicked into place; this was the training the Bra was for!! Ouch.

From then on it was a downward spiral. I was transported to my childhood days, back in front of the mirror, surveying my womanly Bosom. This time it wasn't loo roll, it was tit tape, just to see what I would look like with an uplift.  Hilarious.

My Boobs have given my child comfort, a place to rest a weary head, my Husband pleasure ;)

Boobs, Tits, Breasts, Jugs, Knockers, whatever you want to call them, they're all mine, and I love them.

Girlie's, a little note also to check your boobies

Missing piece of the puzzle....

Something is missing and I'm not quite sure what.  I have a great life, a job which I enjoy most of the time, a wonderful family, the best friends, enough money to live and enjoy life and I have my health.....so why do I feel there is a piece of this puzzle missing?

I have been feeling disheartened for a while now and put it down to a difficult time at work and the 'coming down' from my bubble after the book going live but I wonder if it's more than that?

Thinking back over the past few years to say it has been difficult is an understatement. I have found out more about myself and the pain and love of others than I ever thought possible, and to those that supported me I will remain forever thankful.

In a way the waves of my life has just settled down to a ripple, maybe its a ripple that I should just slowly sit back and take in rather than try to ride on the waves? Maybe I'm not used to having a quiet period and I need to learn how to chill, reflect and just be with myself. 

Easter time has made me question if its something spiritual I am searching for, something which I had many years ago. I have downloaded the Bible onto my IPad and have started reading, I shall be attending a local community church next week just to see......

At the back of my  mind is the teasing and name calling of my college years when I was involved in the Christan Union, I am hoping that those that see me as their friends will accept any decision I take and love me for that, and I hope that I may find what ever it is I am looking for.