Debs suprise

On Saturday January 7th, myself and Deb set off to Bristol for her surprise.  Now Deb was no easy lady to buy for!!  I'm not saying shes high maintenance (although Hubby may disagree with me on that one ) but Deb is a little like me, if she wants something she will buy it, and why not? 
So July last year I wracked my brains trying to think of something she would like.  Now she didn't do heights so the usual 'experience days,' were out off the question, we had already been to a spa  a few years previous and the last time we went to the theatre I got drunk and fell asleep!!!
It eventually came to me, spooks!!!  Deb had an interest in the supernatural and all things ghostly and eerie.
My challenge then began with hours trawling the Internet looking for clairvoyants, psychics, anyone half decent within a decent area for driving or public transport.  I eventually came upon a psychic medium called Bernie Scott who lived just outside Bristol, the only problem was she had no free weekend appointments until January!!  Thinking this means she may actually be good I went ahead and booked appointments for both of us giving only my first name. 
Fast forward to January, a few days of a nervous Deb beforehand and what ended up as a brilliant day out in Bristol.
Now I have seen a few clairvoyants in my time and always approached the subject with a bit of scepticism and thought of it as a bit of a laugh.  The last one I had a reading with shook his head whilst chanting to get rid of previous spirits then told me I would be having another baby despite a full hysterctomy several years previous.  His reply to that was, 'well it is reversible isn't it?'  Since my Father  died in 2005 I have always hoped there was something out there, some comfort I could hold onto and felt this even more since my Mothers passing in March 2011. Up until now I had received no real 'message', to make me believe.
Deb had also had previous experiences so this could be interesting.  I didn't tell her until we were nearly at the door but she hadn't been put off despite my earlier hints at colonic irrigation and her guess of a circus skills workshop!!
We were pleasantly surprised. Bernie was an extremely warm and welcoming person who put us both at ease as soon as we arrived.  Deb agreed to go first with the agreement that she wouldn't give her opinion until after I had my reading.
It is difficult to write about Debs reading as It is difficult to interpret from a tape and it was also personal to her.  What I can say is that things were said which yes could be guessed and could be read into, but there were also things which could only have been know to those close to her family, those that had known the family for years, their children, relatives and places they had lived.  The reaction from Debs Husband also confirmed that hopefully it wasn't a wasted journey.
My reading was a little clearer, possibly as I have had many close relatives die, most which I still remembered and had memories off.  The session started with Bernie explaining that she was not a fortune teller but connected with the spirit world. It was difficult at first to understand or get a connection as the hope is always there, the wanting to believe that someone may be looking out for you after all.  I was not disappointed.
There were too many coincidences, too many things that surely she would not be able to guess.
On several occasions I had tears down my face, the mention of the book my Mum left which we found after she died, the words which she had written about me repeated by Bernie practically word for word.  How could she have known about the writing that I do, both in my personal life and at work? My involvement in charity work, the pain in my hips, the sweet peas in Dads garden, Mum telling me not to skip breakfast, a legal case I was involved in and far too much of other stuff to mention!
I do believe there is something after we die and for the moment I take comfort in Bernie's words.
Anyway, back to the day!!!
After a morning of emotion and searching for souls we set off for Bristol Centre and afternoon tea at the Royal Marriott Hotel, where the only spirits would be alcoholic champagne.
We were led to the very decadent drawing room with beautifully draped windows, opulent decor and an atmosphere of....posh.
The tea was wonderful.  A three tiered cake stand with a selection of scones, cream pastries and  various finger sandwiches.  Made a change from a couple of pints of cider and a kebab on the way home.

We finished the day with a very reserved window shopping trip consisting of us looking at loads of shoes whilst making various 'ooh' and 'aah' noises.  Can you believe we didn't buy any??
Well Deb, I hope you enjoyed your day out, just a small way of showing my appreciation for you sticking by me. Love you. xx

On January 10th 2012 I would have been back at work for a year and discharged from the eating disorders team for 6 months.  What an achievement! Unfortunately I now have a touch of pleurisy so am taking it easy at home and thought I would update or even backdate my blog with snippets I have missed out over the months.

So moving on swiftly and taking you back to August last year and Jens surprise :)
There have been many friends that have supported me throughout my illness and recovery and sometimes saying thank you to them just hasn't felt enough.  I wanted to show them in a way which I would hope they could remember and would make them smile, Jen certainly did.
Now for those of you who don't know Jen, she is a larger than life character, full of fun, a bloody flirt and has a cracking voice that she wont admit to. Cue the surprise and several weeks of evil winding up.
I had initially told Jen that we were going to Weston Super Mare on the train on a certain day and that she wouldn't be told what we were doing until we arrived!!  The questions began to flow.  'What do I need to wear,' 'Do I need to take anything with me,' 'does it involve heights.'
Poor Jen was getting scared and to make things worse I started posting pictures of items she needed to take on her facebook, the usual objects, talcum powder, feather boa, sexy pants!!!

Well the day final arrived and Jen turned up at mine looking ever so slightly scared.  We headed off on the train, calling at a local hostelry for a swift cider before the journey, no change there then!
We arrived at our destination early to give us time to find the venue, unfortunately I had misjudged the location and we walked for what seemed like an eternity to find Mikes house.  After another light refreshment we reached our location, Jen looking even more nervous when she realised we were actually going to someone's front room!!
She was pleasantly surprised.  As soon as she saw the song book on the table and numerous guitars around the living area it clicked, we were in a recording studio.
Cut a long story short Jen had a brilliant day recording several songs to a CD (one which I have uploaded below)  I did join her but I would not inflict my rendition of Wuthering Heights on anyone other than the X Factor rejects.
So Jen this is your very first CD recording, well done girl and stop hiding your light under a bushell.
Tomorrow I will tell you about Debs spooky surprise!

Dying to be thin

It was through waves of tears that I watched 'Dying to be thin,'on TV yesterday evening.  I felt sadness for the parents of these troubled and ill children, anger at the media and the pressures they put on our young ones and empathy with the thoughts and feelings the young girls had.
I was sickened at the story of the girl aged 6 who was tube fed after a diagnosis of anorexia, the helplessness of her parents as they carried her from hospital to the private clinic.
The programme highlighted the increase of eating disorders in young girls and also the increase in awareness of body shape in children as young as 7.
An experiment conducted showed the groups of girls photos of themselves airbrushed smaller and larger than their actual size, the maximum being 10%.  All but one girl liked the smaller picture of themselves and all disliked the larger, it was sad to hear the girls describe themselves as 'fat' in the pictures which were enhanced by 10%
The thin ideal is everywhere, magazines, pop videos, airbrushed models, diet commercials. Being thin does not make you happy, successful and popular, the strive for the 'perfect' body makes you unhappy and batters your self esteem.
I am not pointing the finger of blame at the media as an eating disorder is generally a symptom of a much larger problem, but it does not help someone who already has insecurities over their body image.  Things need to change and we can make I start by accepting ourselves and giving our children positive body image message.

Talk To Our Children

one year on

My lack of postings have been due to a combination of contentment with my life and a fear of boring you all to sleep!
I think I will start with how good life is at the moment and a far cry of how it was this time last year.
The weeks leading up to Christmas were filled with the usual excitement and business but tainted with the fear and dread of food, food and more food.  This year will be different....this year will be fun and I will be living.

When I think back to last year it makes me sad.  Sad that I wasted so much time obsessing about the way I looked and what I put or didn't put in my mouth.  This year I love the way I look and cannot wait to sit down for Xmas lunch, open the tin of chocolates and sit on the sofa with that feeling of stuffed contentment.

I feel sad for those out there who are still struggling, particularly for those who are not quite ready to take the next step to recovery.  I say to you, just try it, just take that first baby step, I did and I won.
I wish i could help, just say something to make you cross that line.  When I hear of sufferers who have had periods in hospital I realise how people who care about me would have felt.  I just want to do something to help, to make it go away, but I feel so helpless. Don't give up hope, I am so proud of how far you have come and I know you can move on further.....you know who you are. xxx

For those of you who have been following my blog you will know who SWEDA are, many of you helped with fundraising, remember that 7 mile walk, blowing a gale with sand in our faces!!
Somerset & Wessex eating disorders Association are a small charity which run a specialised service for sufferers of eating disorders and their families/carers. To my knowledge they are the only one in this area!
I have attended many of their monthly support groups which provided a safe and non judgemental environment in which to share experiences and offer support to each other.  They also offer an affordable counselling service which is a gods send as the NHS waiting lists is horrendous.
I heard the sad news recently that the primary care trust that provided 50% of swedas funding is pulling their financial support as from January 2012. What this means for sweda long term I am unsure but I'm disgusted that this is happening.
Anorexia has the highest death rate of all mental illnesses, does this not mean anything?
Currently treatment for anorexia is dependant on an individuals BMI.  I for one was told that my weight was not low enough initially to warrant being a priority on a waiting list, it soon bloody was!!
Something drastically needs to change within the system.  Eating disorders are misunderstood, most people are ignorant of them until they see them first hand, even then friends and family can be judgemental, insensitive and think the person is behaving in an attention seeking or controlling way.
I was given a link to a lady who was running a campaign for eating disorders awareness week in Feb 2012, who needed people with experience of eating disorders to help with the campaign.
I jumped at the chance, anything to cut through the stigma. I was unfortunately disappointed.  It was a company of journalists who sold stories to TV shows, tabloid press and glossy women's magazines; the same kind who airbrush models and constantly drum into us how we should look and what we should eat!!  Not for me thanks.
So February 2012 I will need to put my thinking cap on and try to promote ed awareness week in a positive way, a way which can break down the barriers, smash the taboo...please feel free to join me.

Fat talk and foibles.

I think this post may be a bit of a scrambled rant, and those readers who know me personally will recognise the constant going off topic and the             pauses mid sentence when I have forgotten what I was saying!!!

Fat Talk...
This is something I had difficulties with during recovery and still do now.   Now I know some off us may need to lose a few pounds, may need to eat healthier and exercise more, but is it really necessary to have a daily berating session over the size of your stomach, hips and bum!!! It appears to be a socially accepted norm to have the 'Im fat, no your not,' conversations.  I try to steer clear, wanting to pull my hair out and scream at these beautiful not overweight women who at times make me feel huge!! 
I went out at the weekend to celebrate a friends Birthday.  A group of us decided to stay overnight in Bristol, so apartment sorted, posh frocks on we hit the city centre for dinner and a club.  Long story short one of the prettiest girls both inside and out was again slagging off her (very flat) stomach...aagghhhhhhh  Oh please girl, take a look in the mirror...
This set me on edge straight away, I was comparing her legs to mine, who's were thinner?  How much was she eating and to make matters worse some young lad asked me if I was my mates Mother!!! It was like being kicked in the teeth (actually I had rotten toothache after 4 fillings and an extraction.)
At that point I wanted to leave, I felt bloody old but that just made it worse. But I didn't leave, I did what any self respecting 44 year old would do...have a couple of shots of cherry sourz and get pole dancing :)
I do hope that my marks and Spencer magic knickers were not on display!!

So to round up, ladies stop damaging your self esteem and those around you, ditch the fat talk and love the skin your in...I try to. (or you could just mount a pole)

Going completely off topic..well just a bit, I came across an old diary which I had started (and finished!!) last August and September.  It was written whilst I was in the throes of my ED and I hardly recognised the content.  Not only can I not remember writing it but I could not recognise myself in it.  Who was this frail, scared person trying to find some light through the darkness?  It certainly didn't sound like me.  Although at times painful it still had a glint of humour, the real me trying to escape. The food diary was shockingly sparse, and If I'm truthful It was probably exaggerated to look better with the therapist!  Thank goodness I don't write one now as I would need a bigger book :)

Nite all. xxxx

Get off my lap!!!

Theres an app on facebook which throws up old status's and today mine said ' I wish I could write a letter to a certain someone and have the courage to post it!'
Last week I saw that 'certain someone,' for the first time in over 6 months. I felt physically sick, wanted to punch her in the face (not me at all!!), all the hurt and pain she had caused to others was once again brought to the surface.  I carried on as normal, went grocery shopping and whilst browsing the shelves realised I was once again looking at the calorie values on packets!!!  The way I was feeling was showing in ways it shouldn't.
When I went to support group this week we discussed how the actions of others can affect the way you are feeling and how that in turn can move onto behaviours with food.  The need to be in control when you cannot control your emotions/feelings.
The group leader told us a story of how she would 'brush' others from her body, in a sense telling them to get off her lap...
So, this is my letter and I hope one day you may read it and know its especially for you!

I regret the day I met you, the day I befriended you, accepted you for who you were no questions asked.
I introduced you to my friends, chatted late at night over your troubles, trusted you....
How could I have known you had an ulterior motive, a hidden agenda.
You left a path of destruction wherever you went, you lied, you manipulated, you would tread on anyone who got in your way, in way of what you wanted. At the time I was at my lowest point and you knew that.  You lied about me and to me, accused me of paranoia and jealousy and at that time I was ready to give in to you but those close to me were worth more than that.
You hurt people, you damaged friendships, relationships.....but we were stronger than you.
I lost my faith and trust in people for a while but I'm getting back........so for the last time, GET OFF MY FUCKING LAP!!!!

Life is good.

It has been nearly 4 weeks since my last post and life is good.  :) 
My relationship with food has changed dramatically as has the relationship with myself.
I feel proud with what I have achieved both emotionally and in my every day life.
I no longer take any medication, except for osteoporosis.  It was a difficult time withdrawing from the Anti-depressants, periods of sadness, anxiety and physical symptoms.  At the time all of these were easy to use as an excuse for not eating, and yes on occasions this happened, but I stayed positive, focused on how far I had come and challenged my thoughts and motives.
I do not know how much I weigh and am OK with that.  I may grumble about my stomach on occasions but generally I like my body....and I like even more whats inside it.  My husband like it even more  :)

I have learned a lot over this period in my life..

• being thinner does not make me a better person.
• An eating disorder will initially make things seem better but in the long run it affects your way of thinking and ultimately lies to you.
• regular eating WILL stop you bingeing.
• Relapse does not mean failure.
• Giving up is not an option.
• Asking for help does not make you weak.
• friends and family will be there for you but there is a limit to how much they can take...they are hurting too.
• Life is too precious to mess up.

Much love to you all, stay healthy and happy.