Missing piece of the puzzle....

Something is missing and I'm not quite sure what.  I have a great life, a job which I enjoy most of the time, a wonderful family, the best friends, enough money to live and enjoy life and I have my health.....so why do I feel there is a piece of this puzzle missing?

I have been feeling disheartened for a while now and put it down to a difficult time at work and the 'coming down' from my bubble after the book going live but I wonder if it's more than that?

Thinking back over the past few years to say it has been difficult is an understatement. I have found out more about myself and the pain and love of others than I ever thought possible, and to those that supported me I will remain forever thankful.

In a way the waves of my life has just settled down to a ripple, maybe its a ripple that I should just slowly sit back and take in rather than try to ride on the waves? Maybe I'm not used to having a quiet period and I need to learn how to chill, reflect and just be with myself. 

Easter time has made me question if its something spiritual I am searching for, something which I had many years ago. I have downloaded the Bible onto my IPad and have started reading, I shall be attending a local community church next week just to see......

At the back of my  mind is the teasing and name calling of my college years when I was involved in the Christan Union, I am hoping that those that see me as their friends will accept any decision I take and love me for that, and I hope that I may find what ever it is I am looking for.

Have Faith.

Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try, how well you think you do something it only takes one little knock to smack every little bit of self confidence you have into touch. And that is what has happened to me recently.......

I don't have a problem with my appearance or my self-image, I've pretty much reached a pinnacle with that one, but I'm beginning to lose belief in some of my decisions and judgments.

When your confidence falters you can hear it in the shakiness of your voice, you can feel it in the pounding of your heart at meetings, the endless thoughts and worries when you try and sleep at night, the numerous trips to the loo when you get to work with a dodgy tummy!!

I used to be such a bloody tough cookie. Granted I'm not everyones cup of tea and I have been told I can blow hot and cold (Must remember to take my HRT) but out of everything I had the belief in the work that I did.

When I think back to what has changed I think the catalyst was my eating disorder. I had several months off from work, isolated myself from my colleagues and when I returned found it hard to fit in and in some ways still do! A year later I was again off work for several weeks at a time with pleurisy and then another 4 months following an operation.  These experiences change people. Lack of social contact changes people.

Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist and am frustrated by not having enough hours in the day to achieve what I want to make me feel like I'm doing a good job. Maybe I need to just give myself a slap and regain some faith in myself!!

Hopefully I have just had a bad week and blowing everything out of proportion. 

We shall see.

Gremlins

They creep in at night,

Keep you from your slumber,

Make your chest feel all tight.

Pounding through your rib-cage,

Silently screaming into your sub conscious,

Questioning.

Climbing into your throat,

Constricting,

Tight,

Taking away your appetite.

Voice breaking as you speak,

Confidence melting,

Your strength into meek.

Damned if you do,

Damned if you don't,

Good intentions put out to rot,

That's how you make me feel...

Worry, Anxiety,

Stress,

F**k the lot...

What Are You Going To Teach Your Sons?

As I write this I think of the young Woman in America, brutally violated by two Men, judged and mocked by her peers and now courageously trying to get her precious life back together. 

I am saddened by the pity and compassion given to the perpetrators over the loss of their future, whilst showing total disregard for the future of their victim. I was sickened by the tears they shed in court when they caused pain and suffering to another human being who will be crying silently inside probably for the rest of her life. 

I am disillusioned in our society......

As I Mother I strive to protect my child regardless of their age, I cannot imagine the pain her Mum must be feeling knowing there was nothing she could have done to prevent the hurt to her Daughter.

I wonder too how the Mothers of the 2 young Men must be feeling........In the words of the poet Andrea Gibson, 'What are you going to teach your Sons?'

Andrea Gibson-Blue Blanket

I wonder.......

I wonder...

What would you make of all this?  Would you think my writing too personal or have I said things you wouldn't approve of? Would you have been the first person to buy my book then rush to the neighbours to show off about it?  I wonder....

Would you have listened to my interview with a proud smile on your face whilst thinking,'That's my girl.'

Would you have recorded it then played it to any poor person who entered the house like you did with my CD?  I wonder....

Would you be proud of what I have achieved, my recovery, my positivity and my future. 

I think you would.....

This time 2 years ago I had the news that my Mum was seriously ill, she passed in the early hours of the morning and I was unable to travel in time to see her.

The first anniversary of her death passed me by as I was in a haze of morphine after an operation, and In a way I was grateful for that distraction. This year I have no distraction and the feelings are something I will need to deal with.  I wish My Mum could have seen me as I am now. I hate the fact she didn't know that I had recovered. Eating disorders show little regard for the feelings of others!!  With Dad gone too I am grateful for what family I have left and the closeness of my friends. 

Thank you.xx

For your support, belief and encouragement I thank you.

For putting up with my hyperactivity, constant ramblings and face-book postings I thank you.

For your honesty, critique and feedback I thank you.

For being there, and staying.......

I will never forget.

All of you......

A face For Radio

Today was my radio interview to promote my book, and I made a joke of 'having the face for radio' before I went in. Many years ago I would have believed this. As a little girl I dreamed of the knight in shining armour, being a beautiful princess and living happily ever after.

In reality I was not pleasing to the eye, was rather skinny, lanky, geeky, wore glasses and un-fashionable clothing. I was a magnet for the name callers, those who possibly had as low self-esteem as myself and those who just liked to abuse others for fun!!

Quite ironically, Emma the presenter picked out the poem The Weight Of Your Words to read. The ending being, 'which words do you carry with you each day?'  I spent years carrying the negativity, the words which battered me black and blue, made me cower in corners and fearful of those I trusted...... but not any more.

Now my beauty is more than the way I wear my hair, the make-up I apply or the clothes I use to frame my body. My beauty is in the compassion I feel for others, my confidence In who I am, my zest for life and what it throws at me.  Maybe its time others took a look at their perception of beauty.

Before & After

My Sister And I

Whilst trying to promote my book I was approached by a company who research and sell 'human interest,' stories to Womens magazines in the UK. Most of my UK readers may recognise the likes of 'Take a break,' 'Chat,' 'Bella' and 'Womens Own.' Now these are magazines that in the past I have bought and at times poured through every article looking for diets and advice on how to be a better woman on the outside!!  They are filled with pieces on lifestyle choices, cosmetic surgery gone wrong, how to drop a dress size, have a better sex life, find a man,woman or dog. They tell us who is in or out in the celeb world, whilst pointing out all their wrinkles, muffin tops and bad hair days. Shock horror probe, skinny celeb papped eating doughnut!!  Is this really news? Is this really what we are about?

Forgive my rambles, the point being whilst the researcher was in fact interested in my book and story, the sad thing was that the Magazines would want photographs of when I was ill!  Why?  What purpose was this for other than to sensationalise the story of a woman who had an eating disorder. We all know what someone looks like emaciated for goodness sake, what people are not aware of is that not all sufferers of an eating disorder are underweight.  And just because someone was thin and is now looking a little more healthy does not mean they are recovered!

The whole point of my book was to raise awareness as well as money for an eating disorders charity, not to plaster photos that could trigger others who were vulnerable.

I spoke to my Sister about the photos this evening and she was correct in pointing out that I do have photos on my face book account. Yes I do, but they are there alongside my friends and family making good memories, and there they shall stay.  Within my control.

The Cupcake Queen Bites Back is available on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com