The wonderful things about Bee.

The Wonderful Things About Bee

B is for beautiful, inside and out,

A cliche maybe, but its true without a doubt.
B is for blessed, how I feel to have her as a friend,
Her humour and wit I would highly recommend.
B is for beaming, her smile and her grin,
No wonder she takes her milk with gin!
B is for bouncy, bubbly and bright,
Brainy and brilliant in her own right.
B is for bodacious and worth admiration,
She's one of a kind, unique no imitation.

Judgement free zone

I have possibly spent most of my childhood being judged either by those who thought they knew what was best for me or those who actually don't know me at all.

I was judged on the area I lived, the things I owned, the clothes I wore, my height, my weight, the glasses I needed to wear, my school grades, the religion I followed,my friends, my family, the list is endless.  As a child you believe what is said about you because you trust those people, you have nothing else to compare to.  You look up to them and believe their word is practically God.  Why would you think anything less? When whatever you give is not enough, what's the point in striving for anything greater?

If only it was so easy to not  listen, to feel confident to question, and  to not carry the baggage around with us throughout our adult life.

I believed I was stupid and would never amount to anything.  I could never imagine that anyone could love me never mind find me attractive. In a way I compensated with my lack of 'looks' by being a bit of a clown, the chatterbox, when inwardly I  was terrified of people seeing the real me, just in case they disliked me even more.  Over the years I fed my fears with more judgments, this time coming from myself.  I would over think situations adding more negativity to what was zero self esteem, how on earth was I expecting others to love me when I had so much disgust and disregard for myself?

How I got to where I am now is difficult to pinpoint. It has been through learning and compassion for myself and others.  Forgiveness is a word which I have used many times and is something I truly believe in.  I do not bear grudges, I see no point in dragging things out, life is too short.  I believe in accepting your life for what has been, trusting your instinct, never being afraid to ask for help and valuing the positives around you. 

I love me......

I Love me........

Yep, you heard me right. 

I love me.........

Every spot, every lump,

Every wrinkle, every bump.

I love me.

I love my tummy that sticks out when I eat,

I love my orange peel thighs and my rather odd shaped feet!

I love that flicky bit of hair,

at the front that wont stay  right.

I love my lack of ear lobes 

And my teeth, not so pearly white.

I used to have a hate campaign,

Against this bod of mine,

I used to starve it, made it ill I thought I looked divine,

It took a lot of searching until I could escape hell,

Til I could learn to love myself and like myself as well.

Jackie

I Am Woman

I Am Woman.

I am.

A woman with a story,

Who breathes in life and exhales hope.

A Woman with a family

Who struggles sometimes to cope.

A Woman with a past,

That often darkens my dream,

A Woman with a future,

So bright you can see it gleam,

A Woman with a passion,

For belief in what is right,

A Woman who has won a battle

Who won't give up the fight.

I am Woman

Jackie 

Anyone For more?

Anyone For More?

More food is more calories,

More calories equals more fat,

More fat equates to more guilt,

More guilt brings on more harm,

More harm leaves more scars,

More scars trigger more memories,

More memories leave more shame,

More shame,

More blame,

No gain,

More anyone?

More Searching for more answers,

More answers give more questions,

More questions with more perspective,

More perspective brings more hope,

More hope shines more light,

More light prompts more strength,

More strength builds more courage,

More courage,

More fight,

No blame,

More anyone? 

Self Acceptance

I am unique

There is no one like me,

For I am unique,

One of a kind,

The one that broke the mould.

Some-days I may not seem like myself,

Or I may try to be like someone else.

But where it matters,

Inside my heart,

I am true to myself.

Parts of me I like,

Bits of me I love,

Things I'd like to change,

Like the way I talk,

Or the hobble when I walk.

But hey that's just me,

And that's what makes me different,

From you, and him and her...

For I am unique,

And I'm OK with that.

Who Am I...

We all question ourselves. What we are doing with our life, how we react to situations or interact with others, how we could have done something differently, and this is OK. Reflection is good and can be positive to our working life and personal relationships.

What isn't good is when we take these questions and start picking away at the little pieces that make us the person we are. The more picking and over thinking we do, the more self destructive we become. The person that we think we are starts to overshadow the real person within, the authentic person.

I know I talk too much :)  I also know when I get excitable or stressed/anxious I talk too quickly. I can be a bit hyper, in your face, like a coiled spring.  I have a problem with my memory sometimes and have great difficulty in getting the words out that I want to say. I also have a bit of a lisp and blink too much and a bit of a nervous sniff. Something again which will get worse If I am stressed. All these things I have grown up with, are part of me and despite trying I have been unable to change.  Throughout my childhood I was very conscious of these things because they were constantly pushed in my face, either at home or school.  I grew up believing they were not normal so therefore I must not be normal and didn't fit in. Even as an adult going back to that environment these feeling came back.

There are many situations growing up, many from School that I won't dwell on which gave me the belief that I wasn't good enough, that I was stupid, ugly or not worth it.  I can still heard the words to this day in my head. I had very little belief in myself or my abilities.

Over the years these are what would come back to me in conflicting situations, times when I thought I could have done better, times when I thought I had done 'wrong.' How easy it was to be taken back to being a little girl again......

As a child I accepted this, but as an adult I began to question?  The way I treated myself was appalling. Would I have treated a good friend of mine in this way? No. So why did I do it to myself.

I was basically doing what I had learned.  from here began a vicious circle of self-hatred, abuse which would continue on and off until I had the courage to accept myself and forgive......

The Value Of Hurt

Hurt

I choose not to believe the words I was called,

Stupid, ugly, smelly, gay.

The hurt was not 'in love' or for 'my own good,'

I don't care if that's how it happened in your day.

You chipped away bit by bit at what little confidence I could muster,

I was hurt, lost,scared,

Alone and feeling bad.

Your tongue left scars deeper than a knuckle duster.

My scars were healed with love, acceptance and trust,

Forgiveness of those who 'knew no wrong'

 A belief in myself and where I belong.

I have a purpose, a meaning I am no longer 'Just.'

Jackie 2013

New Years Eve 2012. Happy New Year

Happy new Year

Its been an interesting year to say the least!!  One major operation and on crutches for what seemed like an eternity. Dignity going out of the window and having to accept help from friends with bathing (blush) and several month off work.

What this experience did teach me was not to take your body for granted.  It needs to be taken care of, nourished and loved both physically and emotionally.

It was during my time off work that I began the Hungry for change blogging challenge and really started my love for writing, especially poetry.   The topics we wrote about were thought provoking and at times emotional.  Sharing experiences was so empowering and for once I found myself not triggered or upset by sharing, but motivated.  I no longer felt shame or embarrassment over what I may write, I can put myself out there along with everyone and be proud of my achievements.

I may not be the best writer, but I love what I do and I do it in the hope that someone may read it and think, yes, there is a way out, I can beat this.

So now to bore you all with a compilation of my year in photos. Happy new year, here's to a healthy 2013.