temptation

So far  I have gone 7 days, 21 hours and 44 minutes without a cigarette, although after I have finished writing this It will be near to 8 whole days. Have I been tempted to have one in the past week? Not until now.......
I have been able to let go of things that have happened in my past, people that have hurt me intentionally or not, situations that have been out of my control but today I was reminded of an individual that I despise with every inch of my being.  The anger and hurt that I felt a year ago was back again like my heart was being wrenched out, my trust and faith in friendship again felt shattered.  I felt vulnerable, fragile  and wide open.  I felt pain for the hurt caused to those close to me, those taken in by ‘its’ manipulation.  I wanted to damage ‘it’ physically and emotionally and make them feel my pain and that of those they have dragged down with them.
But, I haven’t had a cigarette.  I haven’t resorted to previous coping mechanisms.  I am a better person than that and will get over this, with the help of a lovely glass of rose J

Debs suprise

On Saturday January 7th, myself and Deb set off to Bristol for her surprise.  Now Deb was no easy lady to buy for!!  I'm not saying shes high maintenance (although Hubby may disagree with me on that one ) but Deb is a little like me, if she wants something she will buy it, and why not? 
So July last year I wracked my brains trying to think of something she would like.  Now she didn't do heights so the usual 'experience days,' were out off the question, we had already been to a spa  a few years previous and the last time we went to the theatre I got drunk and fell asleep!!!
It eventually came to me, spooks!!!  Deb had an interest in the supernatural and all things ghostly and eerie.
My challenge then began with hours trawling the Internet looking for clairvoyants, psychics, anyone half decent within a decent area for driving or public transport.  I eventually came upon a psychic medium called Bernie Scott who lived just outside Bristol, the only problem was she had no free weekend appointments until January!!  Thinking this means she may actually be good I went ahead and booked appointments for both of us giving only my first name. 
Fast forward to January, a few days of a nervous Deb beforehand and what ended up as a brilliant day out in Bristol.
Now I have seen a few clairvoyants in my time and always approached the subject with a bit of scepticism and thought of it as a bit of a laugh.  The last one I had a reading with shook his head whilst chanting to get rid of previous spirits then told me I would be having another baby despite a full hysterctomy several years previous.  His reply to that was, 'well it is reversible isn't it?'  Since my Father  died in 2005 I have always hoped there was something out there, some comfort I could hold onto and felt this even more since my Mothers passing in March 2011. Up until now I had received no real 'message', to make me believe.
Deb had also had previous experiences so this could be interesting.  I didn't tell her until we were nearly at the door but she hadn't been put off despite my earlier hints at colonic irrigation and her guess of a circus skills workshop!!
We were pleasantly surprised. Bernie was an extremely warm and welcoming person who put us both at ease as soon as we arrived.  Deb agreed to go first with the agreement that she wouldn't give her opinion until after I had my reading.
It is difficult to write about Debs reading as It is difficult to interpret from a tape and it was also personal to her.  What I can say is that things were said which yes could be guessed and could be read into, but there were also things which could only have been know to those close to her family, those that had known the family for years, their children, relatives and places they had lived.  The reaction from Debs Husband also confirmed that hopefully it wasn't a wasted journey.
My reading was a little clearer, possibly as I have had many close relatives die, most which I still remembered and had memories off.  The session started with Bernie explaining that she was not a fortune teller but connected with the spirit world. It was difficult at first to understand or get a connection as the hope is always there, the wanting to believe that someone may be looking out for you after all.  I was not disappointed.
There were too many coincidences, too many things that surely she would not be able to guess.
On several occasions I had tears down my face, the mention of the book my Mum left which we found after she died, the words which she had written about me repeated by Bernie practically word for word.  How could she have known about the writing that I do, both in my personal life and at work? My involvement in charity work, the pain in my hips, the sweet peas in Dads garden, Mum telling me not to skip breakfast, a legal case I was involved in and far too much of other stuff to mention!
I do believe there is something after we die and for the moment I take comfort in Bernie's words.
Anyway, back to the day!!!
After a morning of emotion and searching for souls we set off for Bristol Centre and afternoon tea at the Royal Marriott Hotel, where the only spirits would be alcoholic champagne.
We were led to the very decadent drawing room with beautifully draped windows, opulent decor and an atmosphere of....posh.
The tea was wonderful.  A three tiered cake stand with a selection of scones, cream pastries and  various finger sandwiches.  Made a change from a couple of pints of cider and a kebab on the way home.

We finished the day with a very reserved window shopping trip consisting of us looking at loads of shoes whilst making various 'ooh' and 'aah' noises.  Can you believe we didn't buy any??
Well Deb, I hope you enjoyed your day out, just a small way of showing my appreciation for you sticking by me. Love you. xx

On January 10th 2012 I would have been back at work for a year and discharged from the eating disorders team for 6 months.  What an achievement! Unfortunately I now have a touch of pleurisy so am taking it easy at home and thought I would update or even backdate my blog with snippets I have missed out over the months.

So moving on swiftly and taking you back to August last year and Jens surprise :)
There have been many friends that have supported me throughout my illness and recovery and sometimes saying thank you to them just hasn't felt enough.  I wanted to show them in a way which I would hope they could remember and would make them smile, Jen certainly did.
Now for those of you who don't know Jen, she is a larger than life character, full of fun, a bloody flirt and has a cracking voice that she wont admit to. Cue the surprise and several weeks of evil winding up.
I had initially told Jen that we were going to Weston Super Mare on the train on a certain day and that she wouldn't be told what we were doing until we arrived!!  The questions began to flow.  'What do I need to wear,' 'Do I need to take anything with me,' 'does it involve heights.'
Poor Jen was getting scared and to make things worse I started posting pictures of items she needed to take on her facebook, the usual objects, talcum powder, feather boa, sexy pants!!!

Well the day final arrived and Jen turned up at mine looking ever so slightly scared.  We headed off on the train, calling at a local hostelry for a swift cider before the journey, no change there then!
We arrived at our destination early to give us time to find the venue, unfortunately I had misjudged the location and we walked for what seemed like an eternity to find Mikes house.  After another light refreshment we reached our location, Jen looking even more nervous when she realised we were actually going to someone's front room!!
She was pleasantly surprised.  As soon as she saw the song book on the table and numerous guitars around the living area it clicked, we were in a recording studio.
Cut a long story short Jen had a brilliant day recording several songs to a CD (one which I have uploaded below)  I did join her but I would not inflict my rendition of Wuthering Heights on anyone other than the X Factor rejects.
So Jen this is your very first CD recording, well done girl and stop hiding your light under a bushell.
Tomorrow I will tell you about Debs spooky surprise!

Dying to be thin

It was through waves of tears that I watched 'Dying to be thin,'on TV yesterday evening.  I felt sadness for the parents of these troubled and ill children, anger at the media and the pressures they put on our young ones and empathy with the thoughts and feelings the young girls had.
I was sickened at the story of the girl aged 6 who was tube fed after a diagnosis of anorexia, the helplessness of her parents as they carried her from hospital to the private clinic.
The programme highlighted the increase of eating disorders in young girls and also the increase in awareness of body shape in children as young as 7.
An experiment conducted showed the groups of girls photos of themselves airbrushed smaller and larger than their actual size, the maximum being 10%.  All but one girl liked the smaller picture of themselves and all disliked the larger, it was sad to hear the girls describe themselves as 'fat' in the pictures which were enhanced by 10%
The thin ideal is everywhere, magazines, pop videos, airbrushed models, diet commercials. Being thin does not make you happy, successful and popular, the strive for the 'perfect' body makes you unhappy and batters your self esteem.
I am not pointing the finger of blame at the media as an eating disorder is generally a symptom of a much larger problem, but it does not help someone who already has insecurities over their body image.  Things need to change and we can make I start by accepting ourselves and giving our children positive body image message.

Talk To Our Children