Please don't tell me..

Please don't tell me I look well....

How you perceive me on the outside is not how I am feeling on the inside.
'Looking well'  is not being picked up by the police in the early hours of the morning after worrying your friends and family half to death...
'Looking well' does not tell you how I sleep at night, trying to shut up the dark thoughts which remain with me the next day.
'Looking well' does not explain how one day I can be bright, animated and fun; but the next the smile slips, the brightness dims, my heart is numb.
'Looking well' does not show you how many times I weighed myself this morning. How I went from elation to desperation in a period of a few seconds and how my whole day is now focused on that number.
'Looking well' is screaming 'why?'
'Looking well' is making my heart bleed.
I have no care for how I look, I just know I do not feel well.

I can't get no sleep!

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

The night-time always seems the worst.
My body is exhausted and yearns for rest but my mind won't switch off.
The thoughts are bouncing back and forth, some good some bad.  I lay awake, distracted by the sound of my breathing as I try to count backwards from a thousand which seems to work better than counting sheep.
I focus on a comment passed on my weight.
I know my clothes are loose, the scales tell a story and I'm not so blind that I cannot see, but why do I see things differently to others?
I focus on my thighs and legs but the discomfort from lying down tells me something different from what's going on in my head.
The hunger in my stomach is almost punishing.  The noises a reminder that yes, I have succeeded in another day of not being good to myself, and for what?
I can see the pain in my Husbands eyes, hear the concern in my Sons voice, feel the love of those around me...... and still I allowed this monster back into our lives.

It is so very tough at the moment.  I know that it is me that needs to turn things round but with no professional support ( still waiting)  I struggle to make sense of things.
Take care.

No literary masterpiece here. Just honesty

My writing in the past has concentrated on the subject (eating disorders, recovery, mental health, body image) as well as trying to inject an element of humour or poetic prose. 

 Today I am not going to do that.

Its not about engaging people or getting followers. My punctuation and grammar will no doubt be all over the place but in this moment I just need to get it out.  No holds barred.

Its been a really tough few weeks. After my last entry I spent a week in Portugal with my Husband and a good group of friends.
The weekend before I wasn't going to go and had pleaded with hubby to go without me if I didn't feel up to it. There was no reason why my circumstances should stop my other half missing out. Kev was having none of this and assured me he would be staying too!!
I tried to focus on all the positives and put a lot of energy into taking this step.  I am so thankful that I did this.
Despite a twisted foot, and a few wobbly moments, the villa was spacious enough to have my own space if needed and had a relaxing and much needed holiday.
The downside for my friends though was that I did become a bit of a feeder and spent a lot of time in the kitchen preparing food.  I didn't hear any complaints.
I tried to get back into a routine as much as possible at home but this was proving difficult.
A week away not knowing what I weighed made me more cautious about what I was putting in my mouth.
I had no idea if I was gaining or maintaining.  This then developed into a more obsessive way of thinking at home.
The nights are now worse......
Thoughts are very food focused, calorie focused and weight focused.  This combined with other pressures which I won't go into is giving me a total head fuck.
Sometimes I have wanted to run away, dissapear and just not be here.  Feeling like a waste of good air and a problem to others is not a good thought to have!!
Some days I really want to beat this and other days I feel so screwed up I don't know what I want.
The lack of proffessional support makes me feel like I don't deserve it or don't need it.
I am so pissed with myself that I don't feel the strength I had before.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted but trying to take one day at a time.
On a positive note, the anxiety is manageable.  My blood work came back clear.  My GP bypassed the mental health team to refer me to the ED team and I have nice nails.
 Rant over........

Much love xxx

Tell It How It Is.

I have heard the phrase 'Recovery is a journey,' many times. This is a journey 5 years ago which I thought and hoped had ended.  Most journeys end with something pleasant, something worth the wait, with a clear road, no red lights or diversions.
 Other journeys may need a bit of refuelling, a top up of oil and a battery recharge before reaching the final destination.
So where did I take a wrong turn?
Why is this shiny new Porsche  now feeling like a burnt out old banger!!

I knew that it would never be an easy ride as I'd driven this road before but I thought I knew which way  I was steering. I didn't expect to be back in a dark tunnel, but maybe this is how 'it' maps out.
I can see how it started and I know how it can end.

The depression kicked in first. Slowly bringing me down, putting me down , letting me down.
Its friend anxiety paid me a visit too, preying on my every thoughts, picking at my confidence, whispering over my shoulder to do better, sitting on my chest and squeezing the breath out of me, taking away my voice, my passions, my beliefs in me. My trips outside became less and less and usually included earphones in, head down, and panic. My time indoors would be spent just sat, doing nothing.
I stopped being I will, and became I can't.

The energy it takes on a daily basis to function in this frame of mind is immense.  Not answering the door unless I am expecting someone, hiding in my bedroom away from the noise.
The fear of being outside, in places where I can't get away, where I don't feel safe. Where I think people are looking at me because 'They know.'
Sleeping for most of the day through medication or just the sheer need for rest, and not being able to do a simple task without needing a rest again.  Having a really good day then feeling it emotionally and physically the day after because you have given as much as you can.
The food issues wheedled their way in.....skipping meals due to lack of time, routine or circumstance.  What started as something most people do, was sneaking up on me and waiting to catch hold.
I didn't recognise it at first, but others did.
I was questioning my relationship around food and making excuses to myself and others.
'Its the medication, its a normal reaction to being depressed, I eat every day, but I'm not underweight.'
Yes, all the above is still true, but why I am feeling driven to continue, why can I not eat 'normally,' why do I get anxious around food.'
The fact that I am still questioning myself is a positive thing. It means I still have my healthy voice telling my ill voice that I don't want it.
Often my ill voice wins, but the healthy voice is still up for the fight.


Things are getting better.
I am less tired and more focused this week.  The tablets seem to be doing some good and a friend suggested grounding techniques and mindfulness, something I never thought would be for me, but so far so good.
I am aiming to get out each day.  Either for a walk, a visit to a friend or the dreaded supermarket.
I am now getting quite good at focusing and counting on items at the checkout to bring me back to the here and now, rather than the anxiety and sensations of panic.
I set myself goals, however small or insignificant and try not to berate myself if I haven't managed them.

I have seen a nurse at my local practise for bloods etc. A counsellor told me to think of this as self care as opposed to medical.  I think she was right.  I am lucky that I am still classed as being within a healthy weight range for my height ( I've apparently shrunk!!)  I have to tell myself this does not mean that I do not need or deserve any professional help, The only person judging me is myself.

This is me getting off the highway to hell and back on the road to recovery.

Best Foot Forward.

In March of this year I stood in front of a group of Counselling students and gave a talk about my experience going through recovery from an eating disorder.  My finishing line stated, that after my Husbands heart attack, 'If I can get through that without using e.d behaviours I can get through anything.'
So why is it, over 4 months later I am struggling again?
Maybe I was fooling myself that full recovery is possible.
Maybe I was too complacent.
Or maybe, relapse is part of this completed and never clear process.
Whatever the reasons; what I do know is that I have beaten this before and have more knowledge, tools and a good support network to get back on the right track.
Recognising and being honest with myself and others is the first step.
I have many more steps to take, some forward, some back.  I will stumble and fall down, but will always  get back up and start again.
Best foot forward, here goes......