It was with feelings of trepidation that I went to my appointment with the E.D nurse, the first weigh in for a month.
As I demolished my scales at home I had only my somewhat distorted view on my body shape and size to gauge what I would encounter when I stepped on the scales.
Thankfully we did the formalities first and It was not as bad as I thought....I had gained what was determined as a reasonable amount within the community, and for myself, enough to be able to cope with without completely freaking out!!
I had not had a wonderful few weeks, and had not done as well as I maybe should have but no point beating myself up over it.
I was surprised at my reaction as I became quite upset over the feeling of losing a part of my identity, If I did not have my eating disorder what would I have. Only those of you who have been here will understand this.
But I do have a life, a good life with supportive friends and family, most who have possibly put up with a lot from me that others wouldnt.
We looked through the pros and cons of moving on and staying how I am, and guess what?? There are not many pros to living your life with an eating disorder...it sucks. I know this, but still there is this inner battle between eating and restricting.
Why would I want to compromise my health, my family, my social life...there are so many good things out there for me I just need to let them in.
So start again....tommorrow is another day...I will plan my meals daily, little and often...one step at a time.
With determination and positivity I can do this, I want to do this.......Catch you alll tomorrow. xx