The past week has been exhausting. I tried to put the anger I felt after I was dismissed from my job into something positive. I emailed the company suggesting they revised the way they support staff with a mental health problem, and received the bog standard ' we take all our employees health and well being seriously' email back.
I have been trying to focus on the positives after going through a week of emotions and separating them from the facts. Although I may not agree with their decision, I understand why they made it.
Today I received another blow.
My care coordinator/eating disorder nurse who has been working with me since late 2016 has made the decision to transfer my care to Dom my therapist. This is not all bad as we have a good therapist/patient relationship but unfortunately the sessions are time limited.
My nurses reasoning for the change, is that I am not managing weight restoration and have only maintained for the past few weeks.
After my discharge from Hospital (that's for another blog post) I agreed to reach a certain BMI, this was unsuccessful so the goal was decreased and then we compromised on a maintenance weight.
Although I am engaging in weekly therapy, I know if my weight drops, cognitively I will not be able engage properly as starvation has a detrimental effect on the brain and your way of thinking.
I would be lying if I said I didn't know this was coming.
NHS waiting lists for eating disorder outpatient treatment are long and although the ed team in Somerset has increased over the past 8 years they still struggle.
So where does that leave me now?
I feel sadness at the loss of my support; failure that I was unable to stick to my meal plan; guilt that I have let my friends and family down; not good enough, rejected and alone.
Above all I feel scared. Very scared.
I understand the reasoning behind the decision, (must try harder) and am trying to use wise mind as opposed to emotional mind.
Someone on a facebook group said to me, 'Please don't take it personally or use it as a reason to mistreat yourself.' She is very right. I did not use my 'go to' behaviours instead I used compassion and kindness towards myself, something I struggle with daily.
Tomorrow is another day, another small step, another learning curve.
If all I can do at the moment is keep myself safe then that is enough.
Must do better.