Beaten by a sandwich!!

What a day!!  Occupational health appointment received for first week of January to discuss my return to work. Ha, I thought, envisage the help of my eating disorders nurse...no such luck!
As lovely as she is,she would not put her name to encouraging me back to work.  I can see her point....have I gained a reasonable amount of weight...NO.   I am actively eating regularly...NO..... But..I feel well. I am so much better in myself.
God I want to be normal and wish this all away.
So...this afternoon I feel hungry, off I traipse to the local pasty shop, too late, all the good ones have gone!!
Venture home and  tuck into a cheese, salad and pickle sandwich.....living hell!! Who would have thought a sandwich would cause such a commotion.  I did try, try very hard, but only managed about a quarter.,  This was the first non-diet food I had eaten in months and it was like hell on earth, a dead weight in my stomach.
I moved on to this evenings meal, again a struggle, a small amount a mountain to conquer!!
This evening I went to a friends house for karaoke...great fun but I was shocked when I saw the video he took of me.... I could see the bones on my chest, my collar bone, the veins in my neck... a shadow of the bubbly, luscious person I was a year ago.  What happened??  I don't know...but I do not like it. I need to turn this around, for myself, for my health, my family and my friends.  i do not want to  be a shadow of my former self, to have my thoughts overwhelmed with that of food, to have my day determined by what I eat, what I weigh and how many calories I consume.  I detest my sad existence, my feelings of worthlessness, my envy of others, my need to be thinner, prettier, better...and now I am going to bed, to think, to dwell, to sleep....and tomorrow...who knows!