Wednesday, 22 December 2010
The Camera never lies.
I choose to keep my 'thin' photos, not because of how good I think I may have looked at the time but as a reminder of what a souless empty shell my eating disorder turned me in to.
Who was I kidding to think I looked good?? Obviously myself, my inner voice, my insecurities, my failings, my need for perfection, achievement and control. I am still very underweight, by body apparently thinks it is still in starvation mode but I am dealing with that. I may have only gained 8 pounds but I feel so much healthier physically and emotionally.
I am now comfortable with challenging my thoughts, with correcting myself....being critical over how I look but in a more positive way. I have a determination to beat this, an inner strength and motivation.
I need to live not merely exist! I cannot live a life ruled by food.
I saw my dietitian today who suggested an increase in my protein, carbs and dairy which I am lacking. I have taken this on board and will try to increase my daily intake. I know this will be hard and some days I will struggle, but my mind set is I CAN do this and I WILL do this.....I have so much to live for, so much to give and I am fed up with wasting so much energy on something which is a shit existence.
I used to think of anorexia as my friend, my comfort blanket. It was something I was in control of and made me feel secure....rubbish...it controlled me...if I let it.
Christmas in a few days and I have lots of plans, lots of positives and am looking forward to it. Cheers. xx