Wednesday, 22 December 2010

The Camera never lies.

I have been looking through some photos taken of me over the past year, New years party, Halloween and my school reunion, and I am mixed with emotions.  Through photos you can revisit wonderful experiences, good times with friends and family, but you can also remember the pain, the hurt, the sorrow, feelings of hopelessness, fear and dread for the future and disgust at the person you have become.
I choose to keep my 'thin' photos, not because of how good I think I may have looked at the time but as a reminder of what a souless empty shell my eating disorder turned me in to.
Who was I kidding to think I looked good??  Obviously myself, my inner voice, my insecurities, my failings, my need for perfection, achievement and control.  I am still very underweight, by body apparently thinks it is still in starvation mode but I am dealing with that.  I may have only gained 8 pounds but I feel so much healthier physically and emotionally.
I am now comfortable with challenging my thoughts, with correcting myself....being critical over how I look but in a more positive way.  I have a determination to beat this, an inner strength and motivation.
I need to live not merely exist!  I cannot live a life ruled by food.

I saw my dietitian today who suggested an increase in my protein, carbs and dairy which I am lacking.  I have taken this on board and will try to increase my daily intake.  I know this will be hard and some days I will struggle, but my mind set is I CAN do this and I WILL do this.....I have so much to live for, so much to give and I am fed up with wasting so much energy on something which is a shit existence.
I used to think of anorexia as my friend, my comfort blanket.  It was something I was in control of and made me feel secure....rubbish...it controlled me...if I let it.
Christmas in a few days and I have lots of plans, lots of positives and am looking forward to it.  Cheers. xx

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