Thursday, 2 December 2010

I have a plan!!!

An eating plan....
Throughout my times of disordered eating I would have 2 lists, what I would call safe food and banned food.
My safe foods would include rice cakes, salad, certain fruits, low fat cottage cheese, and diet yoghurt's.  I would generally pick one or two items, eat these until I was bored with them then move onto something else.
My banned foods would be everything but the above!!  I thought about food all day, from the moment I was awake until I was asleep. I dreamt food....
My day would revolve around what to eat, how I could avoid eating. I became obsessed with baking, buying cookery magazines and cook books.  I would love to cook and bake for others but not eat them myself.
It is a standard joke in my house that the thinner I became the bigger my husband got!!!
Meal times were a huge challenge, I would eat from a certain sized plate and on the occasions where my routine was disturbed or I could not control my food or portion size I became irritable, stressed and argumentative.  I felt bad, guilty, disgusting...and fat.
I craved food constantly, the battle between have and have not was horrendous, I cannot begin to describe the feelings that go alongside Anorexia.  I was scared of eating certain foods at certain times of the day, generally when on my own, I was terrified of becoming out of control, of eating too much.
  I would compensate for the blandness within my diet with spices and herbs, I adored coriander and craved salt.  Now things have moved on........
Foods from my banned list have now moved over to my 'safe' list,  I try and have regular small meals to alleviate the feelings of wanting to overeat.  I need to remind myself to eat and make a conscious decision to do so as I still do not recognise when I am hungry and also when I am full....this will change in time.
The feelings are still there...but getting easier to cope with...I believe that the improvement in myself physically has helped with my may of thinking.   I have strategies in place to help me cope with the feelings of anxiety after eating.....I'm doing one now.....whilst helping my muesli and yoghurt go down :)  I may take a bath, listen to music, go for a walk or text a friend.
I wish I could say that everything is back to how it was, but I can't....what I can say is I'm moving forward...I have a plan....an eating plan, and I'm sticking to it.

2 comments:

  1. I've only just started being able to recognise and acknowledge my hunger. It has taken me a while of "training" by body to a regular eating...

    When I first started eating "bigger" meals the sensation of fullness was difficulty. I had a "soothing" plan to cope with the physical feeling of being full.

    I guess to look at it from a behavioural psych point of view (yeah, I've been studying). Every time you eat and do something "nice" (negative reward - alleviating anxiety, uncomfortable sensations) you tell your brain that eating = good.

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  2. You're so sensible! I can take something from what you say and use it.

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