Thursday, 25 November 2010

How did I get here?

I often sit and ask myself this question..and yes I know the facts of life, I was not found under a bush after delivery by the stork!
Without going into too much detail and hanging out my dirty laundry in public I will give you a brief history. 
I have 'managed' an eating disorder since the age of 19 and I am now 43...you do the math.
What was the catalyst?  I'm sure it could have been lots of different things, leaving home, social pressures or just an addictive personality, who knows?  What I do know is that I cannot diet, I do not do things by halves, I am far too good at it!
There are no shades of grey in my life, I see everything in black and white, its either do or don't.
I recognise my triggers, most are unavoidable like loss or stress, it is my way of coping with a situation, of regaining some sort of order or control over my life.  In reality though all that happens is I begin another chaotic and out of control way of life and way of thinking.  It is easier to slip back into that 'controlling' lifestyle than it is to get out of it.
So....what now?  Where do i go from here?
Self talk, I tell myself every day that yes I am worth it, I have my imperfections, I can be a complete bitch at times but when it comes down to it I am a good person.  I also try and tell those close to me that they are also worth it....they are beautiful and I love them.
I try to be honest with myself and others, this should work both ways, often it doesn't but that is something that I have to accept and move on....
I do not point the finger of blame...
I take responsibility for my own actions, I am in control of my own life and what happens to me...no one else.
Keep you posted...  :)

PS. Its bloody freezing, so.....how about a lush hot chocolate made with real dark chocolate, topped with squirty cream and choccie powder.

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