Friday, 26 November 2010

Day Five...My worth is not determined by a number.

OK, so curiosity got the better of my and whilst visiting a friend last evening I committed the ultimate sin....I weighed myself!! First reaction...all scales weigh differently, its cold, I had an extra jumper on.....
despite telling myself, 'its only a number,' the sudden increase in x pounds HAS affected me, I has crept into my dreams at night, it has increased my anxieties to the point where I have woken early, tidied the downstairs and cleaned the shoes!!!
On reflection and looking through my food diary I can see why this has happened.
Over the weekend and subsequent days I have let my guard down with ALCOHOL!!!  Yes, a few glasses here, there and everywhere I have have begun to nibble a bit late in the evening, the knock on affect of that is then restricting during the day and again craving/bingeing of sweet things again in the evening. When I say 'binge' can I just clarify 1 croissant not the content of my kitchen!!
I suppose this is a little like the old, if a tree falls and no one hears it did it really fall?  If i eat chocolate and no one sees me does it really count.
Now I can see you sat there, frowning and wagging your finger.....put you have put on x pounds, surely that is a good thing?
Yep, it is....but when my ED mind takes over it is not a good thing.  Anorexia isn't about weight, its about control, and at this present moment I feel like I am losing my grip slightly and falling falling into a murky pool, probably filled with chocolate and wine.
So the plan for today, try to stick to the meal plan, eat healthily, lay off the booze, go for a walk, think positive.  Don't worry about the numbers on the scale, that's all they are numbers and I am worth more than that.

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