Monday, 7 February 2011

Theres always tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish I could be taken away from all of this.  The turmoil, the pain, confusion, upset....the torment, not knowing which way to turn.
I had my appointment with the E.D nurse today and  I was shocked!!! I had gained!! Not quite  a pound, but I was so certain that I would  have lost weight and that would have left me elated...
Where had I gone wrong?  
The last few weeks of feeling like crap; of not wanting to eat, wanting to restrict has ultimately left me with a feeling of nothingness. Not sure if that's a real word but we will go with it for now.
My head is all mixed up at the moment, I have a combination of rational v eating disordered head and the eating disordered is winning over,
So I sit and go through the motions, talk about how I am feeling.  I am embarrassed, I feel like I have let those close to me down.  I don't know what to do.  I look at the floor....
We agree to me seeing her next week rather than monthly, probably a good idea.  I could be referred to psychotherapy but that would be a 3 month waiting list...bloody NHS.  Private counselling  and extended overdraft we go again!!!  I will try and stick with  it, I know its hard she says....yeah right, try being me!!!
Today is not a good day, maybe tomorrow will be better.

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