Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Reflections...

At a time of change there is also a time for reflection, for looking back on your life; seeing what could have been done differently and what can you change for the better in the future.  There is no room for regrets, for blame, for feeling sorry but only for progression, contemplation and positivity.
I have only been writing my blog since November so for a lot of readers you will know very little about me before then.
September/October was a very challenging time for me.  Despite my eating disorder being in full flow and being off work for several months I made a decision to go back. I think I wanted to be back in the flow, be seen as normal, and push my anorexia to the back of my mind.  Needless to say I didn't cope well and lasted only a few weeks.
I hit the point of crash and burn....I was at my lowest point, my lowest weight and if I was to be honest with myself  knew no way out but the inevitable.
I was crying out for help inside, but didn't ask those around me.  Long story short I ended up sat in a room with two mental health workers terrified that I wouldn't be going home, but also wishing that someone would just take the control away from me, even for just a short while to  make me well again. 
I hated what I had become, it had changed my perception of myself, physically I was wrecked and I wasnt a wonderful person to be around.  I had become depressed, anxious and basically an empty person.

I am telling you this as in order to see what I have achieved and know what is achievable, you need to know where I came from.
This was possibly the start of the rest of my life......I knew I needed to change, needed to live, needed to bring myself back again, but I also knew it would not be easy.
I am not brave, I am not courageous, I am no one special.  I am just me, trying to fight back, to win, to beat this and I know I can and will.
I no longer walk in the shadow of my eating disorder, I am in front, telling it to back off.  I have days which are not so good but I remind myself there is always tomorrow, I will have slip ups but I can and will get myself back on track.  I will not be beaten down!!!
I have learned a lot during this time but ultimately how important my family and friends are to me, I will never take them for granted.
I will always trust my instinct, especially with people, I will not allow others to make me feel negative or bad.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but takes great strength, as does to continue fighting and not give up.
I will not be happier, more successful or popular by being thinner......
I am me, I love me, I love writing my blog and i hope you love reading it too. xxx

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