Reflections...

At a time of change there is also a time for reflection, for looking back on your life; seeing what could have been done differently and what can you change for the better in the future.  There is no room for regrets, for blame, for feeling sorry but only for progression, contemplation and positivity.
I have only been writing my blog since November so for a lot of readers you will know very little about me before then.
September/October was a very challenging time for me.  Despite my eating disorder being in full flow and being off work for several months I made a decision to go back. I think I wanted to be back in the flow, be seen as normal, and push my anorexia to the back of my mind.  Needless to say I didn't cope well and lasted only a few weeks.
I hit the point of crash and burn....I was at my lowest point, my lowest weight and if I was to be honest with myself  knew no way out but the inevitable.
I was crying out for help inside, but didn't ask those around me.  Long story short I ended up sat in a room with two mental health workers terrified that I wouldn't be going home, but also wishing that someone would just take the control away from me, even for just a short while to  make me well again. 
I hated what I had become, it had changed my perception of myself, physically I was wrecked and I wasnt a wonderful person to be around.  I had become depressed, anxious and basically an empty person.

I am telling you this as in order to see what I have achieved and know what is achievable, you need to know where I came from.
This was possibly the start of the rest of my life......I knew I needed to change, needed to live, needed to bring myself back again, but I also knew it would not be easy.
I am not brave, I am not courageous, I am no one special.  I am just me, trying to fight back, to win, to beat this and I know I can and will.
I no longer walk in the shadow of my eating disorder, I am in front, telling it to back off.  I have days which are not so good but I remind myself there is always tomorrow, I will have slip ups but I can and will get myself back on track.  I will not be beaten down!!!
I have learned a lot during this time but ultimately how important my family and friends are to me, I will never take them for granted.
I will always trust my instinct, especially with people, I will not allow others to make me feel negative or bad.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but takes great strength, as does to continue fighting and not give up.
I will not be happier, more successful or popular by being thinner......
I am me, I love me, I love writing my blog and i hope you love reading it too. xxx

Before I retire...

Retire to bed, not from work...Im not that old!!
Welll what a blast tonight was.   Had a quiz at a local pub in aid of SWEDA(somerset and wessex eating disorders society) and raised £187.
Couldn't believe it.  Had a really great turn out and was so pleased to see my mates there, made me feel so supported.
Things are looking good at the moment, I love life, life loves me, need say no more.
I happily squidged my squidgey bits earlier and was I particularly bovvered? NO...love me love my squidgey bits.
Timef for bed now but I just needed to say how happy I feel, how positive and motivated I am and how I couldnt give a flying fig about my waistline.
Night all....xxxxx

EDAW 2011- 21/02/11 - Rachel - The Perks of Being Recovered!

My wish list.

Well I am pleased to say Its been a good week.  No restricting, no over eating and just a little bit of exercising!!  I am trying to be positive, taking each new day as it comes, and not kicking myself if things don't go quite to plan.
My head is in a good place, although I am constantly having to check myself and push aside the eating disordered thoughts....not easy all the time but I'm getting there. It helps to make sense of things when I consciously pay attention to what is going on in my life at the times I find I'm struggling,
So back to my wish list.  My goals for the future, for MY future.

• To eat from the same size plate as the rest of my family.
• To eat takeaway without having to have consumed far too much alcohol beforehand!!! With the exception of kebab, you can not eat one of those sober!
• Reduce my alcohol consumption, I do not need it to be confident, funny or enjoy myself.
• To choose items from the supermarket because I want them, not because of the fat or calorie content.
• stop being critical of the way I look, to embrace my curves (when they get here)
• Not feel guilty/bad/unworthy when I have something I would otherwise deemed as unsafe food.
• Not to have safe/unsafe foods.
• Eat at a restaurant without needing to see a menu beforehand.
• Not be ruled by numbers, be it on a scale, a calorie, a clothing size.

That's it for now..off to see the Nurse again tomorrow, the dreaded weigh in, but as I said earlier, I will not be ruled by a number.
Thanks for reading. xx

Being Proactive

Proactive–adjective

serving to prepare for, intervene in, or control an expected occurrence or situation, especially a negative or difficult one; anticipatory

Or in other words, looking  to a positive future, kicking my ass into check, not being controlled by my eating disorder and planning a way foward,

Had my now weekly appointment with the ED Nurse on Monday, didnt go too badly.  She noticed that I was more alert, more responsive and engaged, able to actively listen and respond to her questions.

Proof that not eating makes me fuzzy and vacant whilst eating regularly  helps with rational thinking.

Did the compulsory weigh in, gained less than a pound but thats ok, too much would be scary too little disapointing.  Discussed my rather rigid eating patterns and set a goal to add variety to my food and just maybe change from the small plate to the bigger plate......we shall see.

Made a huge step forward and phoned my previous counsellor and left a message to make an apppointment.

Quite ironically she phoned me back straight after dinner, whilst I was in the loo contemplating the inevitable!! 

I now have a few divertions in play for the times when I feel 'fat' unworthy and maybe thinking about behaviours I shouldnt be.

1.  Play music....I will listen to Ingrid michaelson..Ok, to give me lift, to remind me that things can get better and I will beat this.

2.  I will fill a bath, indulge in a bath bomb from Lush, light some candels and listen to that song...on repeat.

3.  I will write down all the pros of recovery, then all the cons.

4.  I will look at photos of the people who mean a great deal to me, and me to them. 

Today I had chocolate desert, may only have been weightwatchers but my god it was yummy.

Now back to those people who mean so much to me.

My wonderful Husband Kevin.  I have put you through so much worry and heartache.  You have never known what to say for the best but have always been there for me.  You have watched me fade away in body and spirit but have never given up on me.  You are my rock, my soul mate...I love you.

My beautiful sister Susan and my gorgeous Son Toby.
Susan, we may not have been close when we were younger but I think that has changed now.  I am so proud of what you have achieved as a Mother and a student. You have been a gem and have helped in many more ways than you could imagine.

Toby, I know it must be difficult for you to understand why I am the way I am.  I promise you that things will change.  You mean more to me than anything and I am so proud of the young man that you have become.  You fill me with joy with your funny stories...thank you for not judgeing me. xxx
                                

My best friends Debbie and Glyn.  We may have only been friends for a few years, we have had our ups and downs but hey thats what friendship is about. I have always had concerns about putting on you both but if the tables were turned you know I would be there for you.  Thank you for being there, for listening, for laughing and crying with me.  The closeness in your family is enviable, I love spending time with all of you.  It is effortless.  Thank you. xx

Dear Mandy, My boss and above all my friend.  I respect the way that we can keep the two seperate, certainly keeps me on your toes.  You have to be one of the most honest, genuine and caring people I have met (must get it from me!!)  You have been a great support

 and I know will always be there for me.  Thank you. xx

I apologise for the lack of photos for my next entries, apparently my blog has an error!!!

 Jen, Steve, Sam and Robyn, thank you for allowing me to use your home as a haven, as a place to find my thoughts, for your support and sensible advice.  I miss you all dearly and look forward to my visits and the partying that comes with it.  You may live miles away but you are never far away in my heart.

Jen, you make me laugh!! You help me make sense of what is often a mixed up existence, you are a strong woman in some ways but sometimes need to listen to your own advice, only because I love you. x

Bee.
Oh Bee....what can I say. A joy to behold, a mixture of inteeligence and nonsence (without the stuff)  You are gorgeousness personified.  I am so pleased to know you.

John and Carole,  always there, with a smile, a kind word, a laugh and a lovely glass (or two) of wine.  I feel bad when I havent spoken to you (carole) for ages, Im sorry for neglecting you at times.

Heather, my friend from over the pond.  I have enjoyed our late night phone conversations, you have great spirit and empathy.  you have brightened my evenings and lifted my spirits.

To all my friends, I am doing this not only for myself but for you.
Thanks for sticking with me. xx 

What a brilliant weekend.

There is nothing more fulfilling than seeing the smiles on the faces of those you love, and that is what I did on Saturday.
After months of my friend Debbie planning and plotting, her Husband Glyns surprise 50th birthday party went off without a hitch.  The day was spent with Deb going back and forth to shops, friends houses, the pub!!!  I was her excuse and needed to go shopping at least twice that day...
Poor Pete had taken Glyn out for the day kayaking and had to come up with random excuses to keep him on the river for several hours.  I bet it was more than their heads that were aching this morning.
The function room at the pub was filled with Glyns friends and  family that had travelled miles that day and had been hidden in various hotels and guesthouses around the area. 
It was an absolute pleasure to see his face when he saw his Mum, Son, Nephews and nieces.  You can't buy that feeling.
 Really made me think about my Family and that I do not see enough of them. Puts a lot of things into perspective about what is important in life......

Happy Birthday Glyn, it was a pleasure to be part of it. xxx
A small foot note....there was a buffet, I had eaten sensibly during the day and resisted any urges to eat the whole table, although I did find eating popping candy alongside strawberry cider quite an enlightening experience.

Getting back on track.

After a couple of dodgy weeks its time to pull myself back up, look forward to a brighter future and make some positive changes.....starting today.
Having a blip, a rocky patch, a relapse or whatever name you choose to call it by comes with a heap of emotional and physical crap.
I had started to retrain myself into regular eating. Regardless of how little or insignificant the amount or calorific value was to me it was a huge step.  I was doing well.
To go back to restricting your diet undoes the 'good' work.  Your body is hanging onto fat stores as it isn't sure where the next meal comes from; your metabolism slows down; the weight may not come off as quickly as hoped; the urge to overeat is intense and that in itself has consequences which I will not go into!
So the way forward again is regular small meals with a good balance of carbs, proteins, fats etc....
Not so easy at the moment as I have a stinking cold and cannot taste anything!
Back to the drawing board of meal plans.
That brings me to my domestic science or home economics class in secondary school with Ms Coats.
We use to have a little ditty we had to say at each lesson..fresh fruit and vegetables, oily fish and liver and brown bread.  Only works when singing it to put emphasis on the Brrrroooown bread!!
I showed some of my poetry to my Husband this evening, he said he wishes I would write about something happy and positive....well I think today is a pretty good start. Dont you?
Keep fighting the good fight with me, speak soon. xx

Black swan

The Black Swan had mixed reviews so I was interested to see the movie with a bit of a dark side.
It stars Natalie Portman as a ballerina with an over protective Mother, she is striving for perfection within her art and so wants to dance the Swan Queen.
Natalie in her role as Nina, is both strong, fragile and vulnerable. She fits the role of the White Swan beautifully whilst her ballet company friend Lilly, fits the role of the Black Swan.  In order to succeed Nina must be able to dance both parts.
The film is highly sexual with Nina swinging between self exploration, fantasising about her female friend and sexual energy between herself and the company director. Wouldn't recommend watching with your elderly parents!!!!
This film has quite a macabre, dark side which touches on self-harm and eating disorders whilst Nina is struggling with her fragile state of mind.  On occasions it had the shock factor.
This is not a film which I could say I enjoyed but it was certainly interesting and made me think.

Theres always tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish I could be taken away from all of this.  The turmoil, the pain, confusion, upset....the torment, not knowing which way to turn.
I had my appointment with the E.D nurse today and  I was shocked!!! I had gained!! Not quite  a pound, but I was so certain that I would  have lost weight and that would have left me elated...
Where had I gone wrong?  
The last few weeks of feeling like crap; of not wanting to eat, wanting to restrict has ultimately left me with a feeling of nothingness. Not sure if that's a real word but we will go with it for now.
My head is all mixed up at the moment, I have a combination of rational v eating disordered head and the eating disordered is winning over,
So I sit and go through the motions, talk about how I am feeling.  I am embarrassed, I feel like I have let those close to me down.  I don't know what to do.  I look at the floor....
We agree to me seeing her next week rather than monthly, probably a good idea.  I could be referred to psychotherapy but that would be a 3 month waiting list...bloody NHS.  Private counselling  and extended overdraft we go again!!!  I will try and stick with  it, I know its hard she says....yeah right, try being me!!!
Today is not a good day, maybe tomorrow will be better.

This one goes out to the one I love.

To my dear Husband...
I  know you wont read this.  Its not that you are not interested in what I have to say, you do...but I realise you find it difficult to cope with.
I understand you have been here before with me.  You knew my history when we first met me, you never judged, have always loved me for who I am, not what I look like or what shape I am.  You love the person from within.  You have supported me with so much and still stuck by me.
I remember when you came to a support group with me many years ago.  It scared you. You were faced with women who had fought eating disorders for most of their lives, you were scared that that was going to be me.  Was this thing something we would manage for the rest of our lives?
But I beat it, I came back, and you loved and supported me the same.
I didn't plan it to happen again...it just crept up on me. Waiting for a moment of weakness to grab me and tear my life apart.
I hate to see you suffer, to see you sad, helpless not knowing what to say and do.
Today you went out and bought me a weight watchers meal in the hope that I would eat something.
You said you were worried again.  I told you not to be.  I don't know what to say to make you feel better, to stop you worrying about me, about us, about our future.
Please believe I have not given up, I have so much more to give to our life, many things to see and do and to share with you.
To my dear husband, I love you more than you would ever know. xxxx

Wobbly.

Today I am am feeling a bit wobbly, no comments please on alcohol consumption!
In fact have been feeling a little 'wobbly' for a few weeks.
I try to keep my postings as light hearted as possible so I will endeavour to do the same today.
Things had been going pretty good, eating plan on form, weight gaining steady, mood pretty uplifting and going back to work all positive.
So what went wrong?  Me!!! No one else, just little ole me.
The increase in weight has been an absolute bitch and that has been dragging me down. It does nothing for my self-esteem and I know the only person that can deal with this is me.  I need to be able to accept the way my body is changing, rationalise over my thoughts and my fears.....stamp down hard on this wobbly!!
It is so hard to admit this to those close to me, I have been so positive, some say an inspiration to others and I feel that I am letting them down as well as myself.  Its easy to accept what is happening, go with the flow, become complacent and just ignore it as if its not happening. 
  I went to support group last night with a friend.  It was great to have someone with me, to feel they were there for me, being a support, but it was also difficult.
It is easy to forget that my actions and behaviour can have an effect on those I love, and to listen to someone  tell me how helpless they feel, hurts.  I want to say just being there helps.   Knowing that I have the support of my family and friends is a comfort.  You don't need to do anything, to say anything, just being there is enough.
I will get over the 'wobbly;.  I expected set backs, and they can only make me a stronger person.
Thank you for listening....I will be back x

words escape me.

The title says it all...

I never thought it would be this hard....
Talking is difficult, thank goodness for blogging.

This 'journey' is a struggle, pains me to the core,
 Sometimes I think I am invincible,
nothing can touch me, full of energy raring to go.
Other times I feel lost. hopeless, ready to give up.
The things I want are out of reach...
the goals I have are unrealistic...
the thoughts I think are unclear..
I can be deceptive, manipulative a bloody good liar.
But I am also so much more than this.
I am a good friend, wife and Mother.
I am not my eating disorder,
I am me....
No more
No less...

Bad hair day.

Today I had one of those impulsive moments.  You know the kind, reminiscent of the time after spending several years growing my hair I went into a hairdressers and had the whole lot cut off!!  Like the day I went out and came back with my eye-brow pierced then wore sunglasses for the day trying to hide it from Hubby.  Like the several times I have gone out and come back with a tattoo.
well today I decided to go blonde!!  Simple procedure for most but not for someone with bright red hair, dyed too numerous times to mention.
So I venture off to the local chemist and come back armed with my ammunition, colour remover and a wicked platinum blonde hair dye that would put Ms Monroe to shame.
With the lovely Jen on hand with her latex gloves, I start my mission to become a blonde bombshell.  Nothing could be further from the truth!!! The moment you remove the towel from your hair, look in the mirror and have a mass of yellow, orange and pink straw staring back at you is almost indescribable.
Absolute horror! 
I looked a cross between Gerri Halliwell, Toyah Wilcox and a Duracell battery.  No chance of phoning in sick tomorrow with a bad hair day!
Luckily for me I have a lovely young girl on hand, a hairdresser who thankfully saved the day after her long training at college.
We managed to tone the colour down with another dye, but unfortunately had to have it cropped quite short to get rid of some pink hangers on.  Good old Becky.
I actually quite like it, its growing on me.  Not sure what hubby will think when he wakes up in the morning and thinks hes gone to bed with Annie Lennox.
I can now go out again in daylight.