Monday, 16 July 2012

Freedom

The Cupcake Queen has reached a milestone.  A year ago today I was sat in the office of the eating disorders Nurse, anxious, nervous awaiting my last weigh in.  I was scared of going it alone, worried that I would fall at the first hurdle.  I had not been able to see my way out for a long time but that day was here.  I was 'officially' no longer anorexic and a normal weight.  I can say I have only been weighed in the past year at medical appointments where it has been necessary.  I have not been curious about how much I weigh, it has no impact on my life, my happiness or how attractive I may be.
I would love to say it has been an easy ride, but it hasn't.  It has been an emotional roller coaster, exhausting, and at times frightening and lonely but It is a journey that has given me my life back.
I have learnt things about myself I haven't liked and also things about myself i love.
I have met people who are inspirational and empowering, who fight for recovery and support each other.
I have probably been guilty of boring people but only because I am passionate about getting to a place where you can truly say you are recovered and am happy with yourself, inside and out.
So what does recovery mean for me.....

It means freedom from negative thoughts about food.
eating when I am hungry and recognising when to stop.
Being able to over eat and not needing to restrict the next day.
Not using food to cope with my feelings and emotions.
Eating dessert because I fancy it.
Eating salad because Its good for you and tastes good, not because of its lack of calories.
Taking a walk for pleasure and not to burn calories.
Making cupcakes because I like to and not because I obsess over them!!
Sharing meals with friends and family and having fun, not stressing over menus.
Recognising that my body will change shape over time.
Wearing clothes that flatter not trying to change my shape to fit my clothes.
Grabbing something off a supermarket shelf without checking the calories on the packet.

Spread your wings and fly,
Kiss the demons goodbye,
Love the child within,
No mourning what has been.

Permission to love,
Something to be proud of,
Freedom in living,
Compassion and forgiving

Jackie 
July 16th 2012
Happy, content and at peace :)




5 comments:

  1. Such a lovely post!

    And yay for you on all the hard work, and the distance you've put between yourself and the eating disorder :)

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    1. Cheryl thank you. I never want to go there again, and I truly believe I won't xx

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  2. Angel - as I type I have tears in my eyes (yes i know im a soppy mare!)but I guess I know that battle, well I know that kind of battle and I know the pain and struggle and how much energy goes into bringing yourself from that place. People expect the battle and I guess it boils down to the million dollar question - is it/ am i worth it?

    You answer that.
    You ARE an inspiration - truly, such a wonderful courageous woman with such a beautiful heart. Your experiences, and the hope, wisdom and life you have gleaned from them and shared here - are gifts to yourself and to others.

    Happy, content and at peace - what a beautiful place - bask in it - you earned it xxx

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  3. Wow that is so fantastic that you've been able to step away from the scales and not let them rule your life. what a wonderful thing

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  4. So inspiring Jackie! Thank you for celebrating such a momentous milestone with us. xx

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