Breaking The Silence....My Story

Tomorrow is the start of eating disorders awareness week.  A week in which local support services, national charities and ed organisations go public.They hit the media, TV, glossy mags and newspapers and tell people how it is, what eating disorders are really about.  They try and break down the stigma and isolation of what can be a silent and very lonely illness. Last year along with Family and Friends we arranged several fund raising events locally to raise money for a local support group and also raise awareness of eating disorders, this year I am going to be a little braver. There will be a lot of gaps in this piece, some because I have forgotten and others because you just don't need to know.  It has been hard to be honest without been too graphic and triggering so i hope I have managed to get the balance right.

My Story.......
As long as I can remember, even as a child I have never been heavy.  I was what you may class as naturally slim. As a teenager I even attempted to buy 'weight on,' tablets in an effort to gain a few pounds, so my preoccupation with food and weight loss later in life was a surprise to most.
I was born on march 17th 1967 in Middlesbrough in the North east of England.  My parents were North East born and bred, both came from typical working class backgrounds and had typical Northern values.
I arrived several weeks early with a weight of just over 3 pounds!! having to stay in hospital for many months until I had reached my healthy weight. This was not the only time in my life this was to happen!!!

Mum with my  eldest Sister, I'm the little one in her arms.

Fast forward now to several years later, I'm 11 years old and in secondary school.  The next 5 years were to be some of the worst days of my life.

I was a very nervous and quiet child which to some made me a pushover and an easy target for the bullies.

I was small for my age, skinny and lanky, national health glasses and an extremely unflattering uniform. What little self confidence and self esteem I had was soon to be bashed and taunted out of me. I couldn't escape when passing the school gates either, I was taunted by kids I didn't even know.  I didn't feel able to confide in anyone and although I loved my parents dearly parenting does not come with a manual and most of us learn from experience.....

I reached puberty late in life and whilst those around me were blossoming and trading in their vests for ladybird bras I was lagging behind and this didn't go unnoticed! 

Our school P.E department had those horrible communal showers and we had an evil teacher who would insist that we all showered together after games.  This was embarrassing enough but even more so when you had a chest as flat as an ironing board.  One day whilst showering a group of girls turned the water temperature up full making sure I had to run out.  They had of course hidden my towel and my clothes and left me standing there naked, in tears whilst they all pointed and laughed.  This was one of many incidents too many and hurtful to mention.





School Photo Aged 12

I didn't have a huge amount of friends at school, just a few who knew me in class but didn't know the real me.  It was many years before I would let anyone know that person.

I was generally a good kid.  Didn't smoke, didn't drink, helped with the jobs at home, had a paper-round, went to Girl Guides, Sunday School, church and did my Duke Of Edinburgh award but still there was something missing inside me.  I tried to find it within the church, I became a christian, read my bible daily, went to fellowship groups and tried to be 'good,'. I did make some good friends during this time, real friends but  uultimately when I started college a few years later this was just something else to add to my long list of things to tease me about.

At the age of 18, only a month after leaving college I moved 300 miles away on my own with a suitcase, a tape player and ten pounds in my purse.  I had managed to get a job in a little Somerset village with live in accommodation. My new life had begun, or so I thought.

The people I worked with were really friendly although most a lot older than me, the job was good but extremely unsociable. We all worked long hours then spent most evening together in the local pub.

Drinking alcohol was not something I was used to and very soon I had started on the hard stuff.  I was still very lonely, a long way from home and the only spirit I was receiving was in a bottle of Gin!!

At the age of 18 I had never had a boyfriend, not for the want of trying!!  One evening I had a friend over for dinner, a male friend who was several years older than me.  We drank some and without going into detail he pushed the friendship a little too far.!  I was made to feel it was my fault, it was a situation which made future attempts at relationships difficult. 

I made two very good friends in my first few years in Somerset, one which had a huge impact on my life and things which had happened.  I even bought a house with them and went on what was to be be the first of many foreign holidays.  We would sit and share stories of our lives, where we were brought up, things that had happened.  It was during one of these evenings that I had a realisation, a realisation that made me question certain aspects of my life.  With these questions came sadness, more alcohol and a gradual downward spiral in my life.

I would take the long coach trip home several times a year and it was on one of these trips that I had a comment from my gran.. Have you put on weight?  You're looking a little chubby.

It was on the same trip back that the sandwiches cut into little triangles that Mum had made went into the bin when I arrived back.

Now I'm not blaming dear old gran for my eating disorder, that throw away comment possibly triggered something brewing anyway.  I was already feeling pretty low, hated the way I looked, I saw myself as ugly and never dreamed that anyone could love me how I was.  My life was pretty shit and I was going to make it better..or so I thought.

The next period of my life is a bit of a whirlwind involving starvation, bulimia, alcohol, exercise and laxatives. I have no idea how long it went on for  but it ended with a diagnosis of Anorexia and a stay in a psychiatric hospital. I will never forget the day that my friends drove me to the beautiful village of Wells in Somerset, (where the film Hot Fuzz was filmed) I had agreed to go in as a voluntary patient to try and make me well again.  To be honest at that point I was so physically week I would have agreed to anything.

It was a stereotypical Victorian 'asylum' building, a huge, haunting but beautiful piece of architecture set in the most amazing grounds and gardens.  I was on an open ward in a side wing with patients who were less vulnerable.  I can remember being checked in, my bags being searched for any prohibited items then having a full physical examination.  At the point any dignity I had, had just left the building never to return again.

The hospital had very strict rules.   I was not allowed to exercise, could not do any occupational activities or see the therapist until my weight had reached an acceptable level!! I was to eat three meals a day plus snacks, which was ridiculous considering I didn't eat.  I was given a certain amount of trust until a fellow patient used to swop plates with me and leave me with an empty plate.  Good old George.  After getting caught I then had a Nurse chaperon and poor George got a ticking off.

Mendip hospital was a depressing place to be. I shared a room with 5 other women, some who would wail in the night and scream before they were due to go off for their electric shock treatment,  You couldn't bathe after 8pm as there was insufficient staff if you killed yourself in the bathroom and the washbasins were all communal.  Hideous. I would relieve the boredom by going to the pub for the evening with friends then finding the front door of the hospital locked on my return.  The night staff were not impressed when I had to ring the  bell to get back in.

The consistency of care was dreadful.  I would be weighed every other day, at different times in different times!!  I would even pop into town to the chemists to pick up 'supplies' without being found out. Generally though, I was a good girl, I did what I was told...eventually, and discharged myself before I got to my target weight and buggered off to Holland on a camping holiday.

I met my first Husband shortly after leaving hospital and we hit it off straight away.  The first few years were amazing.  We went to concerts, theatre, ballet, meals out the works. He was the first man I met who really loved me and honestly didn't care about all the superficial stuff. Despite people thinking we were an odd couple I thought we were a match made in heaven.  Things move pretty quickly, we got married, had an amazing wedding and at the age of 24 we had our first and only child.  6 years later we had separated.

I still feel sad that things didn't work out as I see it a a failure but we are both happy now.  I was a complete bitch for a lot of our married life and I think that's due to me not accepting myself and not liking myself.  I was very insecure.

It was a very hard split ultimately due to the fact that a child was involved.  This saw my eating disorder again rearing its ugly head, trying to give me some control and order in my life and numbing the painful feelings.  This was also the first time my new Partner and now Husband had any dealings with 'it.'  This time though I had become more devious and more secretive.  This was something I was bloody good at.  It was a lot of pressure on him as I had lost a lot of friends through my separation and also through a change in job.  I'm surprised he has stuck around for so long and is still with me now.

Its weird how each period of past disordered eating remains fuzzy to me now, chaotic and madness.

For most of you following my blog you already know how Ive got on over the past 18 months so I will fill you in on the bits Ive missed out.

I had a 10 year clear of ED.  I have probably had the same body image issues that most people out there have, my stomachs too big, my thighs are wobbly blah blah blah.I would have a few hiccups where I become obsessive over calorie counting, restricting food but would generally snap out of it.

This time, and probably the worst period of my illness crept up quickly.  I was referred to the gym due to problems with my hips and muscle strength.  At the same time I had booked a holiday and was worrying about a bikini body, along with this I was struggling with insecurities over a friendship...all combined a sure disaster and a full blown eating disorder.

For the next 10 months my life was a nightmare of depression, self loathing, panic, hatred, fear and anxiety.  My life involved around food.  I would lie, take to my bed pretending to be ill, say Id eaten, throw food out, binge, vomit, drink too much,overspend on cookery mags, trawl through pro anorexia websites.  My face would be puffy from crying and vomiting, I had toothache, sores on my knuckles, hair on my face, it hurt to lie down, I was constantly dizzy, couldn't sleep,freezing cold, joints hurt, stomach swollen, throat hurts, headache, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, passing out, osteoporosis.

All this I thought would make me happy, would make me feel good about myself, would make others like me.........it wasn't about being thin.  Yes, I would look at myself and want to be thinner, but it was the achievement, the sense of control over your life,the ability to numb the feelings and emotions and not accept what was happening, just one more pound, then another, then another.

The more I got deeper into it the harder it was to get out. I was taking medicattion for depression and was sinking further into a dark hole of despair and nothingness.  I had no care for myself oreven those around me.  I was selfish and self loathing an ampty shell of a person. I had reached  rock bottom and now it was either do or die.  I decided to DO. What helped alongside the support of family and friends  was my understanding of the illness, the way malnourishment affects your way of thinking, the knowledge given to me on how my body would change through recovery and what to expect.

Recovery was hard, please never underestimate what a person with an eating disorder has gone through in order to recover, not just those with anorexia but also those with bulimia, or other ed. I cannot express how much emotional pain and anguish I felt throughout, but need to stress how worth it the journey was.  And it is a journey, I doubt I have reached the end and maybe never will but in Eating Disorders Awareness week I want to tell others that you can do it, it is worth it, and you are worth it. Please do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

This to shall pass.

Whilst laying in bed last night alternating between the rising crescendo of snores and the never ending hip and chest pain I had written today's blog in my head.  The title; each word flowing with ease, but today putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard not so easy.
I think a lot at night; my thoughts similar to my day to day conversations.  Flitting from one topic to another never finishing one train of thought before moving on, but in the forefront was that niggling voice.....
Its been a difficult month.  I started to get ill with the usual cold and cough early December, moving on 6 weeks, several courses of antibiotics later, 2 chest x-rays, numerous weeks off work, a hacking cough and chest pains, one postponed hip operation and I began to feel quite low.
My height of 'depression' came on February 11th, what would have been my closest friends Birthday.
Becky had been my friend for nearly 13 years and when she died nearly 3 years ago we had not spoken for over a year.  The circumstances around our fall out were difficult and unfortunately sometimes when things are said and done, theres no going back.
We had a difficult friendship at times, we would argue, she would strop off and we always made up......but not the last time. When she died it was final, no saying sorry, no chance to say goodbye.
Becky always loved her birthday, an excuse for getting dressed up and hitting the town.
How bittersweet that I spent her Birthday celebrating the Birthdays of two close friends which I wouldn't have missed for the world.
Back to that niggling voice.  Maybe Ive had too much time on my hands, maybe my eating disorder goes hand in hand with my mood.  For months now I have had a positive relationship with food, but recently I have had to start checking myself.  My emotions and feelings have started to have an impact on how I approach food and how I feel about myself.  .
To whoever is reading, please don't panic and I don't want to talk about it.  Things are ok, I'm acknowledging how I feel and will act on it in a positive way.
Next week is Eating Disorders Awareness week, so expect a little bit more of me....

temptation

So far  I have gone 7 days, 21 hours and 44 minutes without a cigarette, although after I have finished writing this It will be near to 8 whole days. Have I been tempted to have one in the past week? Not until now.......
I have been able to let go of things that have happened in my past, people that have hurt me intentionally or not, situations that have been out of my control but today I was reminded of an individual that I despise with every inch of my being.  The anger and hurt that I felt a year ago was back again like my heart was being wrenched out, my trust and faith in friendship again felt shattered.  I felt vulnerable, fragile  and wide open.  I felt pain for the hurt caused to those close to me, those taken in by ‘its’ manipulation.  I wanted to damage ‘it’ physically and emotionally and make them feel my pain and that of those they have dragged down with them.
But, I haven’t had a cigarette.  I haven’t resorted to previous coping mechanisms.  I am a better person than that and will get over this, with the help of a lovely glass of rose J

Debs suprise

On Saturday January 7th, myself and Deb set off to Bristol for her surprise.  Now Deb was no easy lady to buy for!!  I'm not saying shes high maintenance (although Hubby may disagree with me on that one ) but Deb is a little like me, if she wants something she will buy it, and why not? 
So July last year I wracked my brains trying to think of something she would like.  Now she didn't do heights so the usual 'experience days,' were out off the question, we had already been to a spa  a few years previous and the last time we went to the theatre I got drunk and fell asleep!!!
It eventually came to me, spooks!!!  Deb had an interest in the supernatural and all things ghostly and eerie.
My challenge then began with hours trawling the Internet looking for clairvoyants, psychics, anyone half decent within a decent area for driving or public transport.  I eventually came upon a psychic medium called Bernie Scott who lived just outside Bristol, the only problem was she had no free weekend appointments until January!!  Thinking this means she may actually be good I went ahead and booked appointments for both of us giving only my first name. 
Fast forward to January, a few days of a nervous Deb beforehand and what ended up as a brilliant day out in Bristol.
Now I have seen a few clairvoyants in my time and always approached the subject with a bit of scepticism and thought of it as a bit of a laugh.  The last one I had a reading with shook his head whilst chanting to get rid of previous spirits then told me I would be having another baby despite a full hysterctomy several years previous.  His reply to that was, 'well it is reversible isn't it?'  Since my Father  died in 2005 I have always hoped there was something out there, some comfort I could hold onto and felt this even more since my Mothers passing in March 2011. Up until now I had received no real 'message', to make me believe.
Deb had also had previous experiences so this could be interesting.  I didn't tell her until we were nearly at the door but she hadn't been put off despite my earlier hints at colonic irrigation and her guess of a circus skills workshop!!
We were pleasantly surprised. Bernie was an extremely warm and welcoming person who put us both at ease as soon as we arrived.  Deb agreed to go first with the agreement that she wouldn't give her opinion until after I had my reading.
It is difficult to write about Debs reading as It is difficult to interpret from a tape and it was also personal to her.  What I can say is that things were said which yes could be guessed and could be read into, but there were also things which could only have been know to those close to her family, those that had known the family for years, their children, relatives and places they had lived.  The reaction from Debs Husband also confirmed that hopefully it wasn't a wasted journey.
My reading was a little clearer, possibly as I have had many close relatives die, most which I still remembered and had memories off.  The session started with Bernie explaining that she was not a fortune teller but connected with the spirit world. It was difficult at first to understand or get a connection as the hope is always there, the wanting to believe that someone may be looking out for you after all.  I was not disappointed.
There were too many coincidences, too many things that surely she would not be able to guess.
On several occasions I had tears down my face, the mention of the book my Mum left which we found after she died, the words which she had written about me repeated by Bernie practically word for word.  How could she have known about the writing that I do, both in my personal life and at work? My involvement in charity work, the pain in my hips, the sweet peas in Dads garden, Mum telling me not to skip breakfast, a legal case I was involved in and far too much of other stuff to mention!
I do believe there is something after we die and for the moment I take comfort in Bernie's words.
Anyway, back to the day!!!
After a morning of emotion and searching for souls we set off for Bristol Centre and afternoon tea at the Royal Marriott Hotel, where the only spirits would be alcoholic champagne.
We were led to the very decadent drawing room with beautifully draped windows, opulent decor and an atmosphere of....posh.
The tea was wonderful.  A three tiered cake stand with a selection of scones, cream pastries and  various finger sandwiches.  Made a change from a couple of pints of cider and a kebab on the way home.

We finished the day with a very reserved window shopping trip consisting of us looking at loads of shoes whilst making various 'ooh' and 'aah' noises.  Can you believe we didn't buy any??
Well Deb, I hope you enjoyed your day out, just a small way of showing my appreciation for you sticking by me. Love you. xx

On January 10th 2012 I would have been back at work for a year and discharged from the eating disorders team for 6 months.  What an achievement! Unfortunately I now have a touch of pleurisy so am taking it easy at home and thought I would update or even backdate my blog with snippets I have missed out over the months.

So moving on swiftly and taking you back to August last year and Jens surprise :)
There have been many friends that have supported me throughout my illness and recovery and sometimes saying thank you to them just hasn't felt enough.  I wanted to show them in a way which I would hope they could remember and would make them smile, Jen certainly did.
Now for those of you who don't know Jen, she is a larger than life character, full of fun, a bloody flirt and has a cracking voice that she wont admit to. Cue the surprise and several weeks of evil winding up.
I had initially told Jen that we were going to Weston Super Mare on the train on a certain day and that she wouldn't be told what we were doing until we arrived!!  The questions began to flow.  'What do I need to wear,' 'Do I need to take anything with me,' 'does it involve heights.'
Poor Jen was getting scared and to make things worse I started posting pictures of items she needed to take on her facebook, the usual objects, talcum powder, feather boa, sexy pants!!!

Well the day final arrived and Jen turned up at mine looking ever so slightly scared.  We headed off on the train, calling at a local hostelry for a swift cider before the journey, no change there then!
We arrived at our destination early to give us time to find the venue, unfortunately I had misjudged the location and we walked for what seemed like an eternity to find Mikes house.  After another light refreshment we reached our location, Jen looking even more nervous when she realised we were actually going to someone's front room!!
She was pleasantly surprised.  As soon as she saw the song book on the table and numerous guitars around the living area it clicked, we were in a recording studio.
Cut a long story short Jen had a brilliant day recording several songs to a CD (one which I have uploaded below)  I did join her but I would not inflict my rendition of Wuthering Heights on anyone other than the X Factor rejects.
So Jen this is your very first CD recording, well done girl and stop hiding your light under a bushell.
Tomorrow I will tell you about Debs spooky surprise!

Dying to be thin

It was through waves of tears that I watched 'Dying to be thin,'on TV yesterday evening.  I felt sadness for the parents of these troubled and ill children, anger at the media and the pressures they put on our young ones and empathy with the thoughts and feelings the young girls had.
I was sickened at the story of the girl aged 6 who was tube fed after a diagnosis of anorexia, the helplessness of her parents as they carried her from hospital to the private clinic.
The programme highlighted the increase of eating disorders in young girls and also the increase in awareness of body shape in children as young as 7.
An experiment conducted showed the groups of girls photos of themselves airbrushed smaller and larger than their actual size, the maximum being 10%.  All but one girl liked the smaller picture of themselves and all disliked the larger, it was sad to hear the girls describe themselves as 'fat' in the pictures which were enhanced by 10%
The thin ideal is everywhere, magazines, pop videos, airbrushed models, diet commercials. Being thin does not make you happy, successful and popular, the strive for the 'perfect' body makes you unhappy and batters your self esteem.
I am not pointing the finger of blame at the media as an eating disorder is generally a symptom of a much larger problem, but it does not help someone who already has insecurities over their body image.  Things need to change and we can make I start by accepting ourselves and giving our children positive body image message.

Talk To Our Children

one year on

My lack of postings have been due to a combination of contentment with my life and a fear of boring you all to sleep!
I think I will start with how good life is at the moment and a far cry of how it was this time last year.
The weeks leading up to Christmas were filled with the usual excitement and business but tainted with the fear and dread of food, food and more food.  This year will be different....this year will be fun and I will be living.

When I think back to last year it makes me sad.  Sad that I wasted so much time obsessing about the way I looked and what I put or didn't put in my mouth.  This year I love the way I look and cannot wait to sit down for Xmas lunch, open the tin of chocolates and sit on the sofa with that feeling of stuffed contentment.

I feel sad for those out there who are still struggling, particularly for those who are not quite ready to take the next step to recovery.  I say to you, just try it, just take that first baby step, I did and I won.
I wish i could help, just say something to make you cross that line.  When I hear of sufferers who have had periods in hospital I realise how people who care about me would have felt.  I just want to do something to help, to make it go away, but I feel so helpless. Don't give up hope, I am so proud of how far you have come and I know you can move on further.....you know who you are. xxx

For those of you who have been following my blog you will know who SWEDA are, many of you helped with fundraising, remember that 7 mile walk, blowing a gale with sand in our faces!!
Somerset & Wessex eating disorders Association are a small charity which run a specialised service for sufferers of eating disorders and their families/carers. To my knowledge they are the only one in this area!
I have attended many of their monthly support groups which provided a safe and non judgemental environment in which to share experiences and offer support to each other.  They also offer an affordable counselling service which is a gods send as the NHS waiting lists is horrendous.
I heard the sad news recently that the primary care trust that provided 50% of swedas funding is pulling their financial support as from January 2012. What this means for sweda long term I am unsure but I'm disgusted that this is happening.
Anorexia has the highest death rate of all mental illnesses, does this not mean anything?
Currently treatment for anorexia is dependant on an individuals BMI.  I for one was told that my weight was not low enough initially to warrant being a priority on a waiting list, it soon bloody was!!
Something drastically needs to change within the system.  Eating disorders are misunderstood, most people are ignorant of them until they see them first hand, even then friends and family can be judgemental, insensitive and think the person is behaving in an attention seeking or controlling way.
I was given a link to a lady who was running a campaign for eating disorders awareness week in Feb 2012, who needed people with experience of eating disorders to help with the campaign.
I jumped at the chance, anything to cut through the stigma. I was unfortunately disappointed.  It was a company of journalists who sold stories to TV shows, tabloid press and glossy women's magazines; the same kind who airbrush models and constantly drum into us how we should look and what we should eat!!  Not for me thanks.
So February 2012 I will need to put my thinking cap on and try to promote ed awareness week in a positive way, a way which can break down the barriers, smash the taboo...please feel free to join me.