Whilst laying in bed last night alternating between the rising crescendo of snores and the never ending hip and chest pain I had written today's blog in my head. The title; each word flowing with ease, but today putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard not so easy.
I think a lot at night; my thoughts similar to my day to day conversations. Flitting from one topic to another never finishing one train of thought before moving on, but in the forefront was that niggling voice.....
Its been a difficult month. I started to get ill with the usual cold and cough early December, moving on 6 weeks, several courses of antibiotics later, 2 chest x-rays, numerous weeks off work, a hacking cough and chest pains, one postponed hip operation and I began to feel quite low.
My height of 'depression' came on February 11th, what would have been my closest friends Birthday.
Becky had been my friend for nearly 13 years and when she died nearly 3 years ago we had not spoken for over a year. The circumstances around our fall out were difficult and unfortunately sometimes when things are said and done, theres no going back.
We had a difficult friendship at times, we would argue, she would strop off and we always made up......but not the last time. When she died it was final, no saying sorry, no chance to say goodbye.
Becky always loved her birthday, an excuse for getting dressed up and hitting the town.
How bittersweet that I spent her Birthday celebrating the Birthdays of two close friends which I wouldn't have missed for the world.
Back to that niggling voice. Maybe Ive had too much time on my hands, maybe my eating disorder goes hand in hand with my mood. For months now I have had a positive relationship with food, but recently I have had to start checking myself. My emotions and feelings have started to have an impact on how I approach food and how I feel about myself. .
To whoever is reading, please don't panic and I don't want to talk about it. Things are ok, I'm acknowledging how I feel and will act on it in a positive way.
Next week is Eating Disorders Awareness week, so expect a little bit more of me....