Saturday, 12 January 2013

Who Am I...

We all question ourselves. What we are doing with our life, how we react to situations or interact with others, how we could have done something differently, and this is OK. Reflection is good and can be positive to our working life and personal relationships.
What isn't good is when we take these questions and start picking away at the little pieces that make us the person we are. The more picking and over thinking we do, the more self destructive we become. The person that we think we are starts to overshadow the real person within, the authentic person.
I know I talk too much :)  I also know when I get excitable or stressed/anxious I talk too quickly. I can be a bit hyper, in your face, like a coiled spring.  I have a problem with my memory sometimes and have great difficulty in getting the words out that I want to say. I also have a bit of a lisp and blink too much and a bit of a nervous sniff. Something again which will get worse If I am stressed. All these things I have grown up with, are part of me and despite trying I have been unable to change.  Throughout my childhood I was very conscious of these things because they were constantly pushed in my face, either at home or school.  I grew up believing they were not normal so therefore I must not be normal and didn't fit in. Even as an adult going back to that environment these feeling came back.
There are many situations growing up, many from School that I won't dwell on which gave me the belief that I wasn't good enough, that I was stupid, ugly or not worth it.  I can still heard the words to this day in my head. I had very little belief in myself or my abilities.
Over the years these are what would come back to me in conflicting situations, times when I thought I could have done better, times when I thought I had done 'wrong.' How easy it was to be taken back to being a little girl again......
As a child I accepted this, but as an adult I began to question?  The way I treated myself was appalling. Would I have treated a good friend of mine in this way? No. So why did I do it to myself.
I was basically doing what I had learned.  from here began a vicious circle of self-hatred, abuse which would continue on and off until I had the courage to accept myself and forgive......

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